Where I work, we use an outside agency to clean the bathrooms and provide general maintenance duties throughout the building. For some reason, they've sent some seriously incapable individuals to do this job for years. Cleaning a shitter shared by 90 people is a fairly important - and simple - task. Somehow, though, time and time again we deal with people so incomprehensibly bad at holding a mop and emptying trash cans that you have to wonder how they made it this far in life. The last kid even broke a fucking toilet seat trying to clean some curly alfalfa sprouts from under it. I'll say it again - he broke a goddamned toilet seat. Anything is an improvement over this neverending cycle of smarmy creatures.
They recently brought in a new body to throw on the pile. This cat's in his sixties, can't hear a thing, and skips half of the shit he's supposed to do every day. We like him, though, because he he's a little quirky, he's got some wonderfully creepy mutton chops, and he does the essentials. After clearing the trash in the break room, before scrubbing the johns, he'll dance and sing some shit that none of us can understand a word of. We don't care, he's entertaining. We're cool with it, he does enough to get by. The guy won't be here forever, but he's all we need for now.
If that lede didn't make it blatantly obvious enough, The Apologist isn't available this week so I've been called up in his absence. The janitorial situation we're now all aware of is all too similar to the wonderfully incompetent American football team we all share an interest in, and that really saddens me. For years (let's say fifteen of them), we've been through some serious shit as Bills fans - most of it stemming from their complete lack of comprehension when it comes to finding and developing a quarterback.
Jumping from clogged toilets like JP Losman to vomit-soaked carpet akin to EJ Manuel is really leaving us wanting here. We all do our part to get excited for the new guy, with hopes he's at the very least a slight improvement over the last. Unfortunately, most of them fizzle out before you get a chance to really give a shit about them, which is what happened to Manuel. This city is so thirsty for relevance that the majority of fans were calling for his head after a shortened rookie year. Given four more starts this season with average to terrible results, EJ was benched the reigns were turned over to journeyman and noted good-time machine known as Kyle Orton.
He's not ideal, and it's just one game, but he's (Christ... so, so sadly) the closest thing we've had to everyone's wanted in a Tom Brady figure in years. Speaking of Tom, he's coming to town this weekend with his New England Patriots and is more than welcome to go fuck himself. With the history these teams have had since Brady's been at the helm of the former doormat of the East, it's always satisfying to think about topping them and taking a win to wear as a badge of honor for the rest of the season. Every blogger's expert analysis when this matchup comes around is that the good guys have to get to Brady. At least that's what they write. Get them a few slugs of fireball, and you'll find that the more apt advice is to get him to the hospital. I'm not usually one who cheers for injuries to any athlete, but the thought of Touchdown Tom breaking his leg again in Orchard Park this Sunday got me to half mast quicker than David Carradine in a belt factory.
1) WHEN THE PEGULAS GO SHOPPIN', DON'T COME A KNOCKIN'
Kim and Terry Pegula just bought the team after years of opressive tyranny or something athletically similar. Kim and Terry rule, and people like that they're keeping the team in the area. That's exciting enough to get people moving. Add in a pregame ceremony where they'll be speaking and you've got the recipe for one loud, insane crowd. After Jimbo brought me to tears with his speech at the last game, I'm ready to puff my chest out like a manly brodude and scream the whole time to avoid any real feelings. That is, after all, what we're here for.
2) THE TOAST OF THE EAST
I really had to look it up for this, because I still don't believe it. we're entering week six and the Bills are leading the AFC East. They're tied in simple wins and losses with the Pats, which would mean that a win this weekend would give them the chance to finally eek their nuts out of their Daisy Dukes and let everyone know what's good. This, for every last one of us who has had to deal with some fuckhead at a family gathering or office function shouting "SAME OL' BILLS, EH?!" like no one else has ever pieced together the fact that they lost four straight Superb Owls, is a tickling good time.
The last time Buffalo led the East, we had Hope, Jobs, and Cash. Now we have a played out joke format and a total excuse to act like children who just watched Steve Austin give the entire McMahon family a Stone Cold Stunner.
The one constant expectation - from everyone - over the offseason was that this team would field an exceptional defense. Through the first five weeks, they've done nothing but shine. Even without Kiko Alonso, Kyle Williams (at times), and a cast of others, they're still 2nd in run defense and 8th in total yards. They'll be the ones to set the pace for the offense and keep Brady in check. For the first time in a long time, it seems they actually have the cast to do so.
With any hope, they'll perform well enough to show how insanely bad Bill Belichick has been at drafting outside of snagging the luckiest fucking lottery ticket in the machine back in 2000. When Tommy's off, the team is off and it's a beautiful thing.
1) TOUCHDOWN TOM
The guy's the epitomal personification of a douche, owns more Uggs than Nicole Richie, and has had a few rough games to start this season. He's still really fucking good, though, and that's always a problem. Run game is shit? NO PROBLEM. Offensive line isn't blocking? WHATEVA. Defense lets people into the endzone like Mighty Taco at 3am? OLD FAHKIN NEWS, BUB. All of that has been the case for the majority of his tenure as the face of that team, and he's still been an electric fucking unicorn who pisses touchdowns and shits sad Buffalonians. As we all know, it takes a lot to slow the guy and a miracle to stop him. When he's on, he just does things that make you shout "NO FUCKING WAY" and it's really the worst thing in the world that we have to see him twice a year. Forever.
2) IT'S STILL THE EAST
It's always a crapshoot with divisional play in this league. Matchups can usually get tossed out the window, especially in this division. Even if our pass rush is electric, even if their defense sucks (and it's not that bad this year), this is one of those games that both teams toil over film in preparation for way more than any other. Anything can happen that you don't expect. Hell, even Laurence Maroney had a few nice games once upon a time. Sun's gotta shine on a dog's ass some day.
3) BIG DADDY KYLE
Orton was decent enough to keep them afloat last week, and one could assume that he'll have access to a bit more of the playbook in this start, but it's still worrisome. For a team whose success is so heavily dependant on an authentic passing threat, he's still got to be just as good if not better than he was against Detroit to keep with Brady and his bunch. Team history alone has me weary about that happening. It's still Buffalo, after all, and we just can't seem to have nice things.
It's the fucking Patriots. Tom Brady. Bill Belichick. Tedy Bruschi. Joseph Stalin. Tim Graham. Shawn Michaels on that one Barbershop segment. The list. Goes. On. The best thing to come from that team since their inception was the logo on their now-throwback uniforms.
I think this game means a lot more for both teams than either would ever let on publicly. Between Brady's waning capabilities and desire to show he can still work with it and Buffalo's necessity for creating an identity, this should be a much more hard-fought game than we've grown used to seeing from these two recently. On what should be a cool yet sunny day, expect lots of passing against a strong Buffalo front and a more exhaustive selection of offensive plays from a team who just found out they like the quarterback they switched to.
I like the good guys in this one in a shootout. Bobby Woods is going to score a touchdown, and I'll be outchyea tweeting "Ooh, piece of candy!"
Bills 27, Patriots 26
I sincerely hope they find the means to hoist Pepper Johnson up and carry him around like Schwartz. That'd make me feel a little better after making that Carradine crack earlier.