Well that was silly, wasn't it? I sat here in front of the keyboard for a solid 15 minutes before I knew what to say first. After thinking about it I figured I would just share this picture:
Let me preface this by saying that a minute later I was up and dancing with the rest of the fools, but in that moment....I couldn't cheer. I couldn't yell, I couldn't jump up and down, I couldn't fist pump like my lovely Jersey wife was surely doing. In that moment I was frozen. I never planned on just sitting there after the big play, in fact moments before I was bracing myself with a hand on Barrister's shoulder ready to react to either heartbreak or football ecstasy. Yet, when it all went down I couldn't move. I was frozen and just kind of sat there in disbelief, taking in the moment. I barely moved for about 30 seconds, simply soaking in this moment where E.J. Manuel became our hero. Right after I tweeted that this was the moment for E.J. to make us love him....he did. And the reaction of the crowd was nothing short of spectacular. Just youtube McFadden's/Bills/Panthers and watch the numerous videos (many of which with me, dancing like an asshole). Yeah, Ryan Fitzpatrick and J.P. Losman had some great last second wins, but something about this felt different.
Am I going to get over excited and start yelling playoffs?? Fuck to the no. This is STILL the Buffalo Bills after all. But....BUT....seeing this team march down the field like that, penalty or not, and snag victory was something I can hold onto this season no matter what comes next. Go Bills.
Now onto to the Jets. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck the Jets. As it says in the title, I fart in the general direction of the Jets and their fans. With the exception of maybe a handful of semi-normal friends who happen to enjoy wearing that vomit/snot colored jersey, I loathe everything about the Jets. So much so, that on Sunday, while I will be tailgating my ass off with DGWU Sports & friends, I won't be staying for the game. At 3ish I'll be high-tailing back to the comfort of my downstairs bar to watch the game in peace, away from that hell-hole and the demonic fans that inhabit it. Last year was the last straw for me. When some Jets fans started berating an elderly Bills couple, and Yachtsman tried to interfere, not physically mind you, security rushed over and tried to throw HIM out. What followed was one of the greatest moments in drunken lawyering ever witnessed. The Barrister absolutely hypnotized the security guards, yelling at them about how liable they will be for kicking out fans, who by all means were just helping an old couple being abused by the local fans. Security basically said "watch yourself" and walked away. The man was hammered and he didn't reason with them, he belittled them and we still got to stay. Amazing.
(Barrister here: I remember this going down a very different way, but hey, beers)
I should also mention (humblebrag approaching) that another reason I'm not staying for the game is the fact I'll be running 13.1 miles that morning in the Newport half marathon in Jersey City. I'll then be going straight to the tailgate after a quick shower, so I'm not exactly sure how my body is going to respond. Probably terribly, hence another reason to be close to home after ripping fireball shots for three straight hours. But if you happen to live near JC, come out and watch me rock my #SupportSally shirt during the race. Store716 was gracious enough to print a running shirt for me with the logo.
But yeah anyways, fuck the Jets and onto the lists:
Three Things to be excited about:
1. For the third week in a row at number one: EEEEEEEEEEEEEJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! I don't need to say anything else here. I know eventually all of us will be in for a letdown week, but until that day comes, E.J. is the man. End of Story.
2. The receivers came through. I was tough on Stevie last week, but man did he make it happen this week. Tough catches, big gains after the catch, and game winning touchdown means I'm eating crow this week, right on the tails of game where #13 usually comes up big. Hopefully Cromartie is too preoccupied trying to remember the names of all of his kids/counting his STD's to focus on the game.
On top of that, how about Robert Woods? Nothing huge yet, but shining a hell of a lot brighter than Hardy or Naaman current Mr. irrelevant, T.J. Graham.
3. This defense. Wait...this defense?!?!!!??? Mario Williams set a Bills record for sacks (Jerry Sullivan joke here) and the secondary still looks pretty good for a bunch of guys that by all means should be getting constantly torched. I absolutely love it. Toss in solid play from Dareus and Kyle Williams on the line, and Kiko Alonso and Nigel Bradham making some big plays, and for the first time in years I might....just might, be able to get really excited about the defense.
1. This is kind of hard this week because of all the excitement from week 2, but first and foremost I'm terrified at the prospect of possibly losing to Geno Smith in Jersey and never hearing the end of it. Jets fans only linger on stupid shit, so even if the bills went 15-1 and the Jets went 1-15, they would still find that enough to feel superior. It's pretty terrifying. I could really use some bragging rights for few weeks, so I'm expecting the worse because I'm such a ray of sunshine.
2. Buffalo still can't cover Tight Ends. Granted, I think Greg Olsen is one of the best in the league right now, but still. The constant demolition of the Bills' coverage on TE's is beyond tiring. This is why I'm starting Kellen Winslow in flex spot this week. /ducks
3. As excited as I seem, I still can't get the Trent Edwards 5 - 1 start to a season out of head. I hate that man.
Pumpin Blood by NONONO: This video is so ridiculously hipster it makes me angry, but dammit the song is a catchy masterpiece of poppy goodness. In a weird coincidence "NONONO" is usually what I yelled every time Ryan Fitzpatrick threw the ball last season.
Party in the U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus: Go ahead, judge me. This song is awesome. I love it and most of my male friends no matter how masculine, when pressed will admit they love it too. If you are reading this now and you say you don't like this song, it means one of three possibilities.
1. You're lying.
2. You're a terrorist
3. See above options.
We have recently started working with the Gentleman who founded the Bills Mafia. Del has been a huge help with spreading the word for #SupportSally. HOWEVER, I still hate the name and the copious amounts of mouthbreathers who rock the twibbon. I understand Del can't control the monster he created, but you better believe I'm still going to search that hashtag once a week and find a gem like the TWO below.
While I just made fun of the Mafia, I also must use this space to commend them. Last week at Kenny aka Pinto Ron's tailgate, Del from the Bills Mafia sold out of all of his tweet-up Bills shirts, with all the proceeds going to Sally and Matt Kabel's family. A huge thanks to them for helping out.
We also sold a ridiculous amount of raffle tickets last week at McFaddens to help Sally. You can read more about the prizes we gave away and all the awesome people involved here:
Store716 sold 240 Sally t-shirts through their website, but because of high demand out here in NYC, they shipped us another 120 to sell this week between McFadden's and the tailgate. I will be with the rest of DGWU Sports in lot 26 if you want one. They are $25 and all proceeds go to Sally. Just look for a few guys in #SupportSally t-shirts and one in a luchador mask. Thanks to everyone who has been involved.
Jabari Greer memorial player of the week:
While Robey is still earning his week one award, Chris Hogan was a ghost last week until I saw him jump on Stevie after the final Touchdown. This week I go with big, bad punter Shaun Powell. I fake profiled Shaun last pre-season, never thinking he'd replace Brian Moorman, but here is. Although there has been a good amount of struggle from Powell, he seems to progressing nicely. I hope he finishes with a monster year so every idiot who flipped out about Moorman getting releases can suck a fat one. My only issue right now is he is starting to look horrifyingly like Spencer Pratt.
So far my reverse jinxing of this award has worked, as both Robert Woods and Cordy Glenn have been playing well. Let's keep it going. This week I go with everyone's favorite, Kiko Alonso. Sure he had a huge game last week, but he still struggles mightily in coverage, getting turned around easily. I also saw a few too many downfield Poz-esque tackles. Don't be average, Kiko. We need another London Fletcher. /Cries hysterically
Another college favorite, I'm going with Icehouse. Icehouse was around 4 bucks a 12 pack from the Super Walmart in Binghamton, so I drank a lot of it. It wasn't the most terrible beer, but it almost always caused me the most brutal hangovers. Yet naturally, I continued drinking it because it was so cheap. There was also a shitty townie bar/club in Binghamton called "The Icehouse" which was the place to go when you were in a hook-up slump. There was probably nothing easier than picking up a Broome County Community College girl. Classy.
Sidenote: We all know how awful everything about Florida is, but when I went on Spring break my sophomore year, you could have three types of beer at the hotel. They had cheap $1 mugs of Bud Ice, $2 mugsof Budweiser, and $3 premium mugs of.....wait for it.....ICEHOUSE. Icehouse was premium. God, I hate that state.
Many of you know that we sometimes hang out with the guy that runs this website. Since he won't speak to us anymore, we had to reach out to his evil and insane Mexican Luchador cousin, El Greasico. We asked him to make a weekly NFL gambling pick. These are transcribed from voicemails he leaves us from a payphone. You're welcome.
I never realized that the last two weeks of El Greasico posts were actually dialed back to about 7. Be forewarned, this week he cranks up to 11. Apparently he doesn't like link sites.
It is El Greasico, the charismatic sex crazed enigma for Mexico. I'm calling you, ese, from the Titty Twister Bar in Mexico. Forget Red Lobster, if you want some crabs, this is the place to be at.
So, the fucken Bills don't fucken suck after all. I saw some fucken video from an Irish shithole in NYC of you guys and my cousin celebrating a win. Judging by the video, I thought TV added 15lbs to your culo, but when I saw you pendejos, holy fatness. You Gordo fucks add about 50lbs to it. I heard a bunch of you fucks are going to the Jets/Bills game. How many more ugly people can you fit in a car? Even if Fire Marshall Ed wasn't hosing you guys down with acid, you will leave that stadium as the ugliest bucktooth bloggers in allllllll of Mexico and America.
So, after fucken taking out hotbox last week, it is time to take on the most overrated website in Buffalo. It is these milktoast or milquetoast, fuck you I spell as I like, fucks from Buffalo Droppings. These guys are suppose to be famous in the blogoshpere.
I remember when I was on Twitter trying to Catfish Sabres Cutie (She fell for it) that I saw those jackoffs from the Buffalo News, you know, the KKK founding father and the Gun enthusiast jackoffs, start kissing their asses. So, I went to their site and....ZZZZZZZ..ZZZZZZ...Normally, I'd fall asleep reading your crap because I was a bottle of Tequila in, but at that point, I was fucken on LSD and I ended up falling asleep anyway.
HOLY FUCKEN COPY AND PASTE!?
That's all these Homers do. They venture to the circle jerk group of WGR/TBN/Bills.com and just copy quotes and offer zero analysis. No wonder Poindexter from Revenge of The Nerds (Graham cracker) and Skinny Newman (Scully) fucken lick their taints. THEY JUST LINK THEIR CRAP.
They are more overrated than Fake Darcy's shitty mailbag!
They are more overrated than Anchor Bar wings!
They are more overrated than the Griswold family!
They are more overrated than that shitty fucken beer Fatsman sells out of the trunk of Harrington's white van to minors!
They are more overrated than Buffalo food trucks.
Perception is reality, but wake the fuck up. Those guys suck.
Now, let me tell you about Cake Fingers [Someone is nibbling on my neck]
Oh, this feels good. Which stripper is this? [Turns around]
HOLY MIERDA! THESE STRIPPERS ARE VAMPIRES AND THIS FANGER IS BITTING ME! Wait, Titty Twister? This is the same place George Cloney and Quentin Tarrantino went to in Dusk til Dawn. FUCK! I gotta get my guns and kill these vampire strippers! No, I wont fucken titty fuck them when they are dead, you fucken assholes!
Oh, my cock lock of the week is Colts/take the points.
Apologies as always.
Crazy Drunken Story of the Week:
I'm running a little low on time and Mrs. Scizz missed her deadline to contribute this week, so for now I'm going with TBD. With an epic tailgate planned tomorrow, I'm sure I can fill this part in midweek with several stories.
I kid you not that I had a dream that the Jets won 24 - 20. What a nightmare. If that comes true I'm not watching another game this season. So Let's go with....
Bills 24 - Jets 20
I PUT MY THING DOWN, FLIP IT, AND REVERSE IT.