And so it fucking goes, like the sands of time through my asshole, these are the things we spend time doing on a Sunday afternoon, then rationalize away on Sunday night and into Monday morning.
"They really played pretty well and pushed a likely playoff team to the brink" or some such tweet, sent into the ether of our shared understanding that this still feels pretty shitty, however we opt to sugarcoat it. Hoping for motherfucking better days has never worked out quite as well as we've hoped, but still... admitting that the present, assured reality is a waste doesn't feel too good either.
We buck the fuck up, as always, and raise a glass to the Bills in Week 6 ... pretty ok, great for a few brief seconds separated by really bad at times, but way more fun than any of us feared, and achieving that all for another week of football.
- The secondary. It wasn't 100% terrible. But it was more than 50% so I'm not buying what these guys are selling. The end-arounds, the screens, the complete inability to get off a block... and the above McKelvian moment of playing smaller than you already are and getting torched by AJ Green. Twitter called that Green TD inevitable given the height advantage. I call it getting completely worked.
- The defensive play-calling. Fuck you, Mike Pettine. I don't know what else to say.
- The offensive play-calling. See above. Unless that completely terrible run of goal line stands was purposed to set up the amazing play action to Goodwin in the second half, in which case still fuck you. I don't understand football very well, but if I can't pull it off a jumbo set fourth and goal from the 1 in Madden with the delightful Power of Grey Skull helping me through, you guys aren't going to make it happen what with your mandatory drug testing set against a life full of traumatic brain injuries.... I may have said too much.
- TJ Graham is still pretty bad. Take those 74 yards and make them the 100+ they should have been without the drops I remember (but can't be bothered to confirm) and I'll be impressed. You get no benefit of the doubt after all you've put us through.
- Situational offensive play-calling, as atrocious as it is, is slightly palatable for the moment because it's pretty obvious that Hackett has an offensive scheme that is well-suited for the high-imapct tools he has at his disposal, while also be accessible enough to be managed by, in essence, two rookie QBs. Sure, Jeff Tuel can't hang, but Jeff Tuel is also a terrible football player who I'd prefer became an accountant or regional sales manager of the company that sells those dispenser guns for meat and refried beans at Taco Bell. And maybe the fact that Thaddeus Lewis looked basically as comfortable as EJ Manuel and looked to have an even more latitude to make big plays than EJ Manuel has been given to date is a cause of some concern - "why the fuck is EJ not being given the opportunity to play action a soaring boner of football goodness into the eager hands of Marquise Goodwin?" for instance - but until EJ comes back and we see serious regression, I'm willing to simply accept the upside of having a scheme within which a player like Thad Lewis can be successful.
- Run on sentences best sentences. /fuck indicative verbs
- The running duo of Spiller and Jackson remains solid, particularly in light of Spiller's significant time out of the game in Sunday. It's a great thing, could be better, and I won't beat a dead horse because most of the dead horses I've pistol-whipped with prose this season have turned into some bitch ass zombies, tearing Buffalo's hope apart with their jaws, leaving us for dead and eventual rebirth into angry, ravaging shells of our former selves.
- Brian Moorman is back and it's a good thing. Not a great thing. He's not the best player on the Bills; not anymore, at least. He was never the kind of impact player to deserve the fellate-a-fest that Bills fans have given him, but he's also not deserving of derision simply because he plays a position that is itself is subject to derision on the grounds that, i don't know, people are still weird about soccer or something. Yes, it is pathetic that he was the Bills' sole Pro Bowl player for a couple years there, and yes he was the best player on the team at times and that's kind of sad. But the Buffalo Bills are kind of sad. Pretending it isn't so is worse, particularly if you allow yourself to be beaten into submission by the terrible historical quality of our team and the reinforced implications that arise when the squad's only deserving Golden Boy plays a position which, by its nature, has a brief and limited impact on a game's outcome. Fuck it, though, He's one of the best ever at his position, and certainly the best at his position in Bills' history, so the idea that we should reject the notion of any praise or happiness at his return is asinine. Yes, he's a punter. But, even in that limited capacity, he has done his job at the highest level, so why the fuck shouldn't we be happy he's replacing Shaun "Fucking Shitburger" Powell. It's a win.
- I realize that ^this statement contradicts last week's prosaic rage at the news of Moorman being good news only because we forgot that his quality fell off. Whatever. That punt at the end of the first half was #BonerJamz2013 and I'm, as ever, easily swayed to hype a guy when it serves my purposes as a bourgeoning contrarian and intellectual hipster. Now excuse me, I need to get my ego a striped cardigan.
And that fucking does it. Scizz should be back this week with the Week 7 recap, and I assume our other writers will be amped to talk about this up-and-coming Sabres team that is playing as I type this. Hopefully. I leave you with this. I love it just as much now as I did when I heard it last week, despite the fact that I shouldn't. Fuck me, I want to dance with Molly, too.