You don't drive a Subaru, do you Jerry?
The Yachtsman
I really like Jerry Sullivan. I may be the only one in the Buffalo blogotwatosphere aside from noted contrarians Beechsack, 3rd Man In, and/or Matt Stewart (of course, knowing them, they'll nay me on that ... contrarians unite!) who does. When looking at Sullivan, I can't look at him in a vacuum, but rather look at him as compared to his columnal colleagues Sal "I can't believe this guy has authored 17 books" Maiorana, Bucky "I am why newspapers are dying" Gleason, and John "Don't let me date your daughter" Vogl. So whenever Sully comes out with a truly great column (like his once a year NBA column that I'm sure he has to fight the News editorial staff to write) I trumpet it to the rooftops ... and by trumpeting I may deign to throw him a retweet or tell one friend.
But, alas, all's fair in poorly written internet blogging. So when Sullivan writes a column like "Bills' questions outnumber answers", I feel the need to give it the old DGWUS send-up.
I really like Jerry Sullivan. I may be the only one in the Buffalo blogotwatosphere aside from noted contrarians Beechsack, 3rd Man In, and/or Matt Stewart (of course, knowing them, they'll nay me on that ... contrarians unite!) who does. When looking at Sullivan, I can't look at him in a vacuum, but rather look at him as compared to his columnal colleagues Sal "I can't believe this guy has authored 17 books" Maiorana, Bucky "I am why newspapers are dying" Gleason, and John "Don't let me date your daughter" Vogl. So whenever Sully comes out with a truly great column (like his once a year NBA column that I'm sure he has to fight the News editorial staff to write) I trumpet it to the rooftops ... and by trumpeting I may deign to throw him a retweet or tell one friend.
But, alas, all's fair in poorly written internet blogging. So when Sullivan writes a column like "Bills' questions outnumber answers", I feel the need to give it the old DGWUS send-up.
Swing Voters.
[DISCLAIMER: This is totally ripping off Drew Magary's Fun with Peter King, but I don't care. Magary is my hero. Peter King is the king of hacks, and I think I think I hate him. Cheers.]
Will J.P. Losman ride into town with the Dolphins and beat the Bills next Sunday?
Obviously. We have reached the point where everything turns to garbage and nothing is good anymore.
OK, so do they think about taking one of the top three quarterbacks if one falls to them in the first round of the draft?
Yes. But to contradict my statement above, we will be out of the running for any of them because alas we WILL beat the Dolphins 7-0 on a 30-yard fake punt touchdown run by Brian Moorman.
Did you get the sense that the Chargers might have watched a little film of Spencer Johnson impersonating an outside linebacker?
No, he's just bad at football (but good at snappy comebacks on Twitter!).
Might Buddy Nix have been a tad more patient with Aaron Maybin if Nix had been the one who drafted him in the first round?
What is that!? Is that a call out on the Bills cutting Maybin, who the current administration DIDN'T draft, and who you called a fucking corpse every year he was here? Oh wait, it was a passive aggressive question in a mail-it-in-I-don't-care-anymore-almost-took-a-buyout-but-gotta-put-the-kids-through-college column. Fair. Carry on. Also, to be fairer, Maybin blew here. Fact.
If Tim Tebow had the Bills' defense on his side, would he be 7-1 as a starting quarterback this season, or more like 1-7?
Zing! Although, you should have asked, "If Tim Tebow had a horrifying offensive line, receivers who dropped everything, and 1,000 players on IR, would he be 1-7?" The answer would be no. He's Tebow. He's magical. 7-1 with a high school team.
When Chan Gailey says his guys have lost their confidence, doesn't it sound like he's mainly talking about Ryan Fitzpatrick?
Nope. If he was talking about Fitzpatrick, I imagine he would come out and say Fitzpatrick, you drumming-up-drama hack. Finally you have a coach that comes out and actually answers questions with straightforward responses, and you ask that? No. Also, isn't it evident by the scorelines of this garbage pail of a team that guys have lost what little confidence they had in the first place? What, is everyone Jason and the Argonauts out there but Fitzpatrick? This is why I have a blog ... so that I may rage into the quiet.
Does it make you crazy to know the Bills took Torell Troup one pick before Rob Gronkowski went to the Pats in the 2010 draft?
Yes. It makes me completely ill and bonkers. Even with Shitzpatrick throwing to him, Gronkowksi is good enough to put up 20 fantasy points per game (I don't care what you say that's how I measure players). Good one on that, Sully.
Has Arthur Moats made a meaningful play since knocking out Brett Favre in Minnesota last year? He can't beat out Spencer Johnson?
Nope. Newsflash: they both suck. On to the next question.
Will Stevie Johnson hand the ball to the official the next time he scores a touchdown, or succumb to his natural instincts to entertain?
Don't let the black man dance! That would be an affront to our historical tradition of championship football here in Buffalo! Christ almighty already with the celebrations. WHO FUCKING CARES. READ: OLD WHITE MEN DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOUNG BLACK MEN CELEBRATE ANYTHING. SAME OLD STORY. JFC, this is sports! Not the fucking UN! How about shitting on him for dropping balls and not being clutch!? I expect more from you, Jerry. You're better than that.
If the defense is all George Edwards' fault, then why did they bring in Dave Wannstedt in the first place?
I passed out trying to figure out the answer to that obfuscated question. I may have broken a tooth when my head slammed into the table. Let me try and answer that... the defense sucks? Yes. Okay. On to the next one. /tooth definitely chipped
What happened to the Wildcat? Doesn't Gailey share the blame for spending $3.6 million a year on Brad Smith?
I sort of agree. What the hell happened to the damn Wildcat? Oh, right, you can't run the Wildcat when you're down 17 in the first quarter and your offensive line is in shambles and you have 3 out of 6 WRs starting that started on the practice squads or were cut by other teams. Run on sentences prove points.
Will C.J. Spiller ever be good running between the tackles? Shouldn't they give him 20-plus carries at some point and find out?
Wholehearted agreement. However, to play devil's advocate: what tackles? We have tackles? I thought we just draft undersized players and shift them into positions they've never played.
Did it hurt to see the Texans clinch a playoff spot, making the Bills the only AFC team not to make the postseason this millennium?
Not really. Everyone stopped watching football after the Dallas game. Hockey and Jeopardy! Yay!
Wouldn't you still be willing to take your chances with A.J. Smith and Bill Polian running the show in Buffalo?
Yeah! Can we bring back Jim Kelly and Darryl Talley to start while you're at it? Maybe even hire Scotty Bowman to coach the Sabres?! I LIKE THE PAST TOO, JERRY.
Would they be better off losing out and picking high? Do you even care?
I actually love this question: Yes to the first one, no to the second. The Los Angeles Bills of Anaheim... catch the excitement!
Are we done hearing about how effective Tyler Thigpen was when he played quarterback for Gailey in Kansas City?
Who is talking about this?!?!?!? Wait, are there people who actually watch the games with the mute button off??? Wow. More power to you folks... you're clearly challenged.
Will a healthy Donald Jones, Naaman Roosevelt, Marcus Easley and Roscoe Parrish make that big a difference?
YOU MEAN THE DE FACTO AFC PRO BOWL STARTING WR CORPS, JERRY!?!? OF COURSE!!!!! TALENT!
Can the Patriots win in the playoffs with a defense that gets shredded by the Colts and Redskins?
Not while Aaron Rodgers has a pulse.
Is it astonishing to know that all 167 of the cornerbacks in the NFL are African-Americans?
Jimmy the Greek says no.
What's the over-under on rushing yards for Tebow against the Bills on Christmas Eve? A buck twenty-five?
TEBOW ON JESUS' FAKE BIRTHDAY!??! HE'S GONNA BREAK THE SINGLE SEASON RECORD! COME ON, JERRY! HE'S SURROUNDED BY THE JESUS FIRE!
Doesn't it seem as though half the Bills' defensive players are playing out of position?
If by "playing out of position" you mean "shouldn't realistically have a job in the League", then yes, Jerry, it does.
Aren't you getting tired of watching kick returners take a knee in the end zone?
Totally! You know what I DON'T get tired of?? SPINAL INJURIES!
Was there any doubt Bailey would miss the second kick Sunday night after the Giants called timeout?
Was there any doubt you'd be mailing it in harder than the Bills after Week 8? I'm sorry. Let me answer that: yes, there was a sincere doubt, hence why the referee allowed play to continue so he could attempt the kick. Wait... was that too literal? I'm bad at this.
Is there a quieter hot team than Arizona, which has won five of its last six games?
The Packers are pretty under the radar.
Isn't it time to update my list of the Bills' ugliest road losses of the millennium?
IS IT EVER! I JUST SHAT MYSELF IN ANTICIPATION. (Side note: there is no better swear than the past tense of "shit", which of course is "shat".)
Who has the softer defense, the Bills or Sabres?
Oh! A real question. Hmmmm... Sabres. At least the Bills sort of look like they're trying. /stares daggers at Gragnani
Would Nix even consider bringing back Shawne Merriman?
I dunno, the News brought back Tim Graham... anything's possible, right?
All the way to San Diego and back for that? Is it safe to say the chips are finally off their shoulders?
Rhetoric! I get it! Oh Jerry, you slay me.
To reiterate what I wrote about three years ago at this time: When will I learn not to overreact when the Bills get off to a hot start?
When you win a Pulitzer. ZUH-ZUH-ZUH-ZING!
Leave your thoughts in the comments. Except you, Barrister. You're an idiot.
Will J.P. Losman ride into town with the Dolphins and beat the Bills next Sunday?
Obviously. We have reached the point where everything turns to garbage and nothing is good anymore.
OK, so do they think about taking one of the top three quarterbacks if one falls to them in the first round of the draft?
Yes. But to contradict my statement above, we will be out of the running for any of them because alas we WILL beat the Dolphins 7-0 on a 30-yard fake punt touchdown run by Brian Moorman.
Did you get the sense that the Chargers might have watched a little film of Spencer Johnson impersonating an outside linebacker?
No, he's just bad at football (but good at snappy comebacks on Twitter!).
Might Buddy Nix have been a tad more patient with Aaron Maybin if Nix had been the one who drafted him in the first round?
What is that!? Is that a call out on the Bills cutting Maybin, who the current administration DIDN'T draft, and who you called a fucking corpse every year he was here? Oh wait, it was a passive aggressive question in a mail-it-in-I-don't-care-anymore-almost-took-a-buyout-but-gotta-put-the-kids-through-college column. Fair. Carry on. Also, to be fairer, Maybin blew here. Fact.
If Tim Tebow had the Bills' defense on his side, would he be 7-1 as a starting quarterback this season, or more like 1-7?
Zing! Although, you should have asked, "If Tim Tebow had a horrifying offensive line, receivers who dropped everything, and 1,000 players on IR, would he be 1-7?" The answer would be no. He's Tebow. He's magical. 7-1 with a high school team.
When Chan Gailey says his guys have lost their confidence, doesn't it sound like he's mainly talking about Ryan Fitzpatrick?
Nope. If he was talking about Fitzpatrick, I imagine he would come out and say Fitzpatrick, you drumming-up-drama hack. Finally you have a coach that comes out and actually answers questions with straightforward responses, and you ask that? No. Also, isn't it evident by the scorelines of this garbage pail of a team that guys have lost what little confidence they had in the first place? What, is everyone Jason and the Argonauts out there but Fitzpatrick? This is why I have a blog ... so that I may rage into the quiet.
Does it make you crazy to know the Bills took Torell Troup one pick before Rob Gronkowski went to the Pats in the 2010 draft?
Yes. It makes me completely ill and bonkers. Even with Shitzpatrick throwing to him, Gronkowksi is good enough to put up 20 fantasy points per game (I don't care what you say that's how I measure players). Good one on that, Sully.
Has Arthur Moats made a meaningful play since knocking out Brett Favre in Minnesota last year? He can't beat out Spencer Johnson?
Nope. Newsflash: they both suck. On to the next question.
Will Stevie Johnson hand the ball to the official the next time he scores a touchdown, or succumb to his natural instincts to entertain?
Don't let the black man dance! That would be an affront to our historical tradition of championship football here in Buffalo! Christ almighty already with the celebrations. WHO FUCKING CARES. READ: OLD WHITE MEN DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOUNG BLACK MEN CELEBRATE ANYTHING. SAME OLD STORY. JFC, this is sports! Not the fucking UN! How about shitting on him for dropping balls and not being clutch!? I expect more from you, Jerry. You're better than that.
If the defense is all George Edwards' fault, then why did they bring in Dave Wannstedt in the first place?
I passed out trying to figure out the answer to that obfuscated question. I may have broken a tooth when my head slammed into the table. Let me try and answer that... the defense sucks? Yes. Okay. On to the next one. /tooth definitely chipped
What happened to the Wildcat? Doesn't Gailey share the blame for spending $3.6 million a year on Brad Smith?
I sort of agree. What the hell happened to the damn Wildcat? Oh, right, you can't run the Wildcat when you're down 17 in the first quarter and your offensive line is in shambles and you have 3 out of 6 WRs starting that started on the practice squads or were cut by other teams. Run on sentences prove points.
Will C.J. Spiller ever be good running between the tackles? Shouldn't they give him 20-plus carries at some point and find out?
Wholehearted agreement. However, to play devil's advocate: what tackles? We have tackles? I thought we just draft undersized players and shift them into positions they've never played.
Did it hurt to see the Texans clinch a playoff spot, making the Bills the only AFC team not to make the postseason this millennium?
Not really. Everyone stopped watching football after the Dallas game. Hockey and Jeopardy! Yay!
Wouldn't you still be willing to take your chances with A.J. Smith and Bill Polian running the show in Buffalo?
Yeah! Can we bring back Jim Kelly and Darryl Talley to start while you're at it? Maybe even hire Scotty Bowman to coach the Sabres?! I LIKE THE PAST TOO, JERRY.
Would they be better off losing out and picking high? Do you even care?
I actually love this question: Yes to the first one, no to the second. The Los Angeles Bills of Anaheim... catch the excitement!
Are we done hearing about how effective Tyler Thigpen was when he played quarterback for Gailey in Kansas City?
Who is talking about this?!?!?!? Wait, are there people who actually watch the games with the mute button off??? Wow. More power to you folks... you're clearly challenged.
Will a healthy Donald Jones, Naaman Roosevelt, Marcus Easley and Roscoe Parrish make that big a difference?
YOU MEAN THE DE FACTO AFC PRO BOWL STARTING WR CORPS, JERRY!?!? OF COURSE!!!!! TALENT!
Can the Patriots win in the playoffs with a defense that gets shredded by the Colts and Redskins?
Not while Aaron Rodgers has a pulse.
Is it astonishing to know that all 167 of the cornerbacks in the NFL are African-Americans?
Jimmy the Greek says no.
What's the over-under on rushing yards for Tebow against the Bills on Christmas Eve? A buck twenty-five?
TEBOW ON JESUS' FAKE BIRTHDAY!??! HE'S GONNA BREAK THE SINGLE SEASON RECORD! COME ON, JERRY! HE'S SURROUNDED BY THE JESUS FIRE!
Doesn't it seem as though half the Bills' defensive players are playing out of position?
If by "playing out of position" you mean "shouldn't realistically have a job in the League", then yes, Jerry, it does.
Aren't you getting tired of watching kick returners take a knee in the end zone?
Totally! You know what I DON'T get tired of?? SPINAL INJURIES!
Was there any doubt Bailey would miss the second kick Sunday night after the Giants called timeout?
Was there any doubt you'd be mailing it in harder than the Bills after Week 8? I'm sorry. Let me answer that: yes, there was a sincere doubt, hence why the referee allowed play to continue so he could attempt the kick. Wait... was that too literal? I'm bad at this.
Is there a quieter hot team than Arizona, which has won five of its last six games?
The Packers are pretty under the radar.
Isn't it time to update my list of the Bills' ugliest road losses of the millennium?
IS IT EVER! I JUST SHAT MYSELF IN ANTICIPATION. (Side note: there is no better swear than the past tense of "shit", which of course is "shat".)
Who has the softer defense, the Bills or Sabres?
Oh! A real question. Hmmmm... Sabres. At least the Bills sort of look like they're trying. /stares daggers at Gragnani
Would Nix even consider bringing back Shawne Merriman?
I dunno, the News brought back Tim Graham... anything's possible, right?
All the way to San Diego and back for that? Is it safe to say the chips are finally off their shoulders?
Rhetoric! I get it! Oh Jerry, you slay me.
To reiterate what I wrote about three years ago at this time: When will I learn not to overreact when the Bills get off to a hot start?
When you win a Pulitzer. ZUH-ZUH-ZUH-ZING!
Leave your thoughts in the comments. Except you, Barrister. You're an idiot.
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