I really wanted to write “Mother of God, the Buffalo Bills suck”, hit publish, and call it a day. That was the plan yesterday when I got douched on at my real job and handed a bunch of new work, but alas, it is super early Friday morning, and here I am trying to piece something together. Thanks go out to the Yachtsman who was going to take a crack at this today in my place (who am I kidding, he would have done a much better job), but since he was out last night with the Apologist celebrating the Orioles pushing a game 5 with the Yankees, I’m assuming he is still in drunken slumber.
Let’s talk about the Bills! /immediately regrets decision to write this.
Last week was an absolute atrocity. I talked with Joe Pinzone about it Monday afternoon on his Talkamania podcast (link), and could barely put together a single coherent thought. Not that that’s anything new, but this time I actually realized it. I suddenly had an awful stutter because I couldn't get the hate out fast enough. Every aspect of that game was so disgusting it became hard to identify specific problems with the Bills because EVERYTHING IS BROKEN!!!!!
-Fitzpatrick continues to prove he should not be a starting NFL quarterback.
-The offensive line, once this team’s biggest strength is, as predicted by the old Gods, falling apart with numerous injuries.
-The defensive line, which was supposed to BE the team’s biggest strength has no-showed three out of five game.
-The linebackers and secondary are still a bucket of AIDS.
-Even the clutch players like Spiller, Freddie, and Chandler are hurting this team by running the ball into the ground or not holding onto the damn ball at all.
This is exhausting.
Arizona is also without their top two running backs, as Beanie Wells and Ryan Williams are both out for the year. That leaves LaRod Elizabeth Mastrantonio and Bill Powell carrying the load. If Buffalo let’s a third and/or fourth string running back run all over them, then they deserve no better than 2-14. That is all.
I’m going to skip the “shitty analysis” this week because before I say who needs to step up, or where the team should focus, they have to actually show up to play some American goddamn football. Until this happens, I post no more fake knowledge.
Playlist Additions to fire you up for this week:
This week I pick songs to soothe your soul and help you relax. I’m going against the grain, and instead of posting raging hate music, I’m going to give you three songs that belong to my “chill mix”. Now excuse me while I go play hacky sack in the quad.
Red Barchetta by Rush. I fucking love this song. Not totally mellow, but also not totally rock out hard, Rush. This song makes me want to roll down the windows and just drive through back roads in Franklinville. (Sidenote: Everyone else in Franklinville is listening to Garth Brooks or Toby Keith)
Phone Tap by The Firm. I gotta have at least one hip-hop song on here. This short lived group headed by Nas dropped this gem back in the late nineties and it has always been one of my favorites. The instrumental version alone is enough to make me relax.
Anything by Jack Johnson. Errrrr...I mean Dispatch. Wait, no. I mean Damien Rice. I mean….uh…not really….I’m just kidding….who actually likes these guys? /uncomfortable laugh. STOP JUDGING ME!!!!!!!
Random Bills player of the week:
Is anyone else as sick of this section as I am? I thought it’d be a cool idea and now I’m bored with it. Meh. This week’s selection is Aaron Williams, who, if he keeps playing the way he has, will be a random Buffalo Bill within two years.
Legendary Drunken Hook-up of the week:
This week's entry comes from our good friend and member of The Jambrones, @Boner_shorts. Again, these are meant as idiotic escapades of drunken college kids and early twenty-somethings who don't know better, so try to not be offended. Can we get a female reader to chime in next week?? That would be awesome.
I've always assumed that women treat the uncircumcised penis the way a lot of guys treat redheads. If the opportunity presents itself, you've gotta try one out at least once. But let's face it, you're probably not going to lock one up long term. They're sort of weird, right?
Meet "Carrie". Carrie was a ginger in my class in college. She was a TV concentration, I was an audio/radio one, but our paths crossed in more general communications classes. She was the pretty "star" on the 90210-esque TV show on the campus station, I was the dude not watching the real 90210. I was playing shitty bands like Bolt Thrower on my radio show because I thought their name was hilarious. We didn't exactly have a lot in common. Girls like Carrie generally went for the meathead frat guy type, and I was far from that. But I had a band, and that tends to change things when it comes to your chances with women.
So one night after we played at a bar in town, Carrie grabs me by the door and says, "want to crash at my place?" Now, bear in mind the only real conversations I've had with her up until this point end up with her just sort of sneering, and being generally upset she's wherever it is she is standing. BUT... she's a redhead and I figure, why the hell not? She's got a great body and whatever, I am high on playing music and sort of drunk enough to think this is a good idea.
So we go back to her place, do our thing, and I end up going home that night. We never speak of it, (this is all before texting and email, mind you) and a few weeks go bye. She seems fine that we're not pursuing this much further and is still a fucking twat whenever I see her. Not directly to me, mind you, but just in general. She exudes bitch.
Two weeks after it happened, she approached me again out of the blue at a bar. But this time we had to go to my apartment because someone was staying at hers and using her room. Now, banging Carrie was one thing, but banging her on my home turf was another. All my roommates knew her and we all fucking hated her. Sure, she was hot, but goddamnit she was lame. So, I agree to take her home to my place hoping that my roomates would understand that this is about banging a redhead, not Carrie. I walk in my door and my buddy Al shoots me this look of "dude... what the fuck is SHE doing here?!" I give him a "don't you judge me I know she sucks but come on she's a redhead and has nice titties" look and we head up stairs.
We start off, and like anyone in college in the 90s was told I put on sixteen rubbers because sex will KILL YOU. We're a few minutes in to it, and something happened - I look down and I see it's this fucking bitch Carrie under me. There she is, sort of sneering, and being generally a mediocre lay at best. And I distinctly remember thinking, "What am I doing? I fucking HATE CARRIE. This chick sucks. I gotta get out of this." So I did what my only option was - I faked it. Yup. I faked an orgasm, because this chick sucks so bad that I couldn't even enjoy having sex with her. So I let out a few moans, curled the toes, and then immediately whipped off that condom as fast as I could and got it in the trash. We laid there about 5 minutes and then I said, "I think you should probably get out of here." And that was the last time I banged a redhead just for being a redhead.
@Hpurricane aka "The Continental" - That's right, DGWU Sports is adding a lady into the mix. We are aware this will proably end horribly wrong and with numerous lawsuits, but she's cool, swears a lot, and is a fellow ex-pat, so how can we turn that down? If you have any questions for the her, tweet us at @DGWUSports or e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. If all goes well, she'll be starting a weekly Deeg mailbag next week. Get on that!
Worst Twitter Bills fan of the week:
I was going to go on a rant about Mike Harrington here but decided against it. I know you're disappoined, but just look at the guy. He has to wake up alone every morning and look at himself in the mirror. I'm feeling sick just thinking about it.
So this week's nominee is @BuffaloBills because I say so.
I couldn’t be bothered to look at last week’s picks because I was afraid I’d throw up, and these shoes are brand new. But what the hell, let’s try this again.
Top Stat line of the week: Ryan Fitzpatrick – 13/19 189 yards 1 touchdown 0 interception.
Surprised? Me too. But if Chan hasn’t figured out his only hope of winning games is keeping Fitz under 20 attempts, then all is lost. Pray the running game works and they limit his throws.
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Donald Jones – 1 catch -2 yards.
This just feels right. I demand more T.J. Graham because he is the answer! Until Chan gets him more involved this team is lost! (That was my impression of every other WGR caller)
Potential Cardinals Injuries of the week:
Adrian Wilson - Leitch Syndrome (This is where you are well respected and loved by everybody on the internet and then become kind of a tool bag that people sneer at when they hear your name, but you never really changed, the internet just hates everybody after a couple years of popularity... I think I lost the point in there.)
Larry Fitzgerald - Frustration Seizures
Todd Heap - Shock from the career game he is going to have.
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
I should probably take a week off from this since a few of these players were actually injured. So I'll use this space to congratulate Tarvaris Jackson on his baby mama viewpoints and passion for wearing condoms. Travis Henry he is not.
Drunkest Deeg member of the week:
For last week, I’m giving it to the Barrister because he was out drinking for the first time since little T-Dubs was born. I know I wasn’t drunk and I'm pretty sure Yachter wasn’t either. Aps was with Dubs, so he I can’t give it to him, and although Outlander could have been smashed, we didn’t talk this week so I have no clue.
This week is a tough one.
The aforementioned T-Dubs aka “The Scion” will be getting baptized on the Upper East Side, and the entire local Deeg crew will be out for this amazing celebratory moment. With that said, does it mean we won’t be going out after for football and beers? Probably not. Even so, I’m going with the Outlander, as I assume he has no religious functions on Sunday, and also because he made fun of me last night for not “wanting it enough” in regards to getting drunk on some wine from WNY. Class people, class.
Overall Score: Why the fuck do I do this to myself?
Bills 24 - Cardinals 13