The Buffalo Bills are a car and we fans are a giant, hairy beast that got hit by the car and taken into captivity only to be tricked into loving it there despite the fact that he had complete freedom before being run over and was probably fucking mad hairy beetches in the woods.
The Buffalo Bills are the hairy beast, living blissfully in the forest until the NFL drives into it, ceasing the beast's existence in the naive world of the woods, replacing said existence with the harsh reality of (1) people knowing it exists, (2) people knowing it's head would look good stuffed and mounted on a wall, and (3) people wanting to shoot it in the kidneys (does Harry have kidneys?) at the earliest possible moment. In this scenario, we are the Hendersons, except the only way we know to protect the beast is with some stupid fucking hashtags like #TheLegendOfKikoAlonso, #RockTheRalph, #LeadTheCharge or some other such bullshit.
And the role of John Lithgow's character in this morality play goes to The Outlander because of the hair thing.
These Bills went from "ok, let's go" to "Jesus H. this is not good, let's go home" in the blink of an EJ Manuel trying to get an extra couple yards and being a big fucking idiot. This subject has not been discussed enough. You make us love you, Erik James, and then you prove to be a stupid kid. I know you're a kid, but I really don't care. That was unavoidably asinine. Step out of bounds, you prick. Because of you I can't justify going to bars for games anymore this season and soon I'll probably have to go shopping with my wife on Sundays since she'll inevitably use her crazy lady mind powers to discover what I already know... this season is a goddamned waste.
1. It can't really get any worse. This team will, at best, win two games with Thad Lewis at the helm. Boy I hope I'm wrong about this, but it won't be good. Annnnnnd, I just looked at the Bills schedule and over the next six weeks there might be one winnable game in there between Pittsburgh and Jets back to back. So, really, that "two games with Thad" prediction/moment of hope was probably overstated. This team isn't winning shit without EJ.
Breathe it in. ..... Take a moment.
It really can't get any worse. ... Unless of course people relevant to Nos. 2 & 3 right here get busted up. /ducks
2. CJ Spiller remains an unbelievable football player. I know a lot of people were/have been down on him this season because his yards per carry is down by about 2 yards, but (1) his output remains extraordinary so your argument is dog shit, and (2) asking a guy to sustain 6 YPC is crazy pants so your argument is dog shit. Throw out the tough days against Jets and Pats, and you have a great first set of games. Keep those bad games few and far between going forward, and you have a solid year. This all with Fred Jackson already only 118 yards away from eclipsing his production last year. Both these guys are playing some great ball while battling their respective injuries. It's been awesome.
I could mention Kiko here for #3, but he had a pretty quiet Browns game, relatively speaking, at least from what I saw before quitting on the game and returning to my life of Candy Crush and listening to the new Miley Cyrus album (half true). The defense was pretty disappointing in the end of that game and while it didn't ultimately matter because Jeff Tuel was leading the offense off a bridge like Kiefer Sutherland falling into the fog, it makes me feel like not giving any of the defensive personnel credit for keeping the game close for as long as they did. So...
3. Jairus Byrd. A possible missing piece to correct some of the shit I was just italically bitching about just now.
I like Byrd a lot. Hell, I love him. He. Makes. Plays. On a historically "bend but don't break" defense that has made the don't break portion an illusion so very often, having a guy who goes out and picks off balls, makes hits, etc., may just create a unit that doesn't make me want to throw Leodis McKelvin out a window because oh look there's Jairus Byrd bailing him the fuck out. Awesome.
This was not the game I wanted Byrd back, though. I envisioned his return as some sort of seminal moment during which he would see, through the increased quality of the team, that sticking around - even if it means a hometown discount - is a solid choice. And I envisioned that the front office would see him bring the team to victory on some sort of Bills-sized run of success (two or three games in a row, say), and Whaley would see that he's worth top dollar. The relationship between the sides, strained as it is at present, could be repaired in that moment.
But then EJ went down and Stevie is hurt and the O-Line is garbage so none of that is going to happen, probably, and Jairus will decide to play for the Vikings and win a Super Bowl with Josh Freeman.
1. The Bengals defense. This unit is really good, everyone. They've kept all of their opponents to considerably less offensive yardage than each opponent's yards per game averages this season. The Bears fared best in Week 1, gaining only 29 yards below their current average, with Pittsburgh, Packers, Browns and Pats each gaining more than 50 yards less than their current averages. The Pats, shockingly, were 95 yards below their season average in the Week 5 game, which is nuts. The Bills will have a lot of trouble scoring, an incredibly safe bet due to the defense, but probably more so...
2. Thad Lewis. I'm not going to hate on the guy too much here, since he hasn't done anything to hurt my football team to date, but this is scary. I want to find silver lining, but this is a stretch even for me. Ugh, at least he's not Jeff Tuel.
I'm just glad it's not Pegula buying them. I don't want his blood money touching our football team.
Playlist song addition you may not know about:
Good Luck - Basement Jaxx feat. Lisa Kekaula
Some of you probably know this one, but you may not, and that's the header of this section. It came on my radar within the last few months, so maybe that's a sign it never really seeped into American consciousness. Whatever. These guys are British and they're awesome and this song rules and was nominated for a Grammy for Best Dance Recording but BrittBritt won so what the fuck ever.
Playlist song that you definitely know but should be on every playlist ever:
The Chain - Fleetwood Mac
OBVIOUSLY. I tend to go old school with these to ensure it's a song you all know, but this is my joint. I saw Fleetwood Mac at the Prudential Center this year and while I sort of pined for the years when they were all on so many drugs (see below), it was the best concert I've seen apart from all the shows I've caught at The Tralf (to be specific, about 6 Moxy Fruvous shows and an incredible Soulive concert). Legit, Lindsey Buckingham should be in every conversation about the best guitarists on earth and the fact that he's not is a travesty. He still rocks leather pants and I'd kiss him on the mouth if he'd let me.
#BillsMafia Tweet of the Week:
Del is great and I'm sure his immediate crew is pretty ok, too, but this guy is something else entirely...
Brian Moorman Player of the Week:
The man himself. Welcome back, homie. I joke about how stupid it is that we love a punter so much - actually, I'm serious, it is stupid, but it's the Buffalo Bills. I'm going to stop pretending we aren't a pathetic mess of rationalization and whiskey. Yay punter!!
Get the fuck off my team you dick. You're the poor man's Landry Clarke, which made you perfect for the Bills for a quick minute there but the times they are a changin' and we're trying to avoid personnel who are utterly terrible when it comes to their intended purposed in life. And that's you. Peace.
Utica Club. Yup.
I discovered this beer sometime between late 2002 and early 2004 (don't expect me to remember when because beer) at the Fastrac between Geneva and Ithaca on Route 96. Ithaca was the spot to go to if you wanted a college town experience since Geneva, where my college sat and still sits, is largely a genuine shit barn. I'd make it a habit, when I wasn't scraping by on pennies, to stop at beer purchasing locations on my trip back from Ithaca so I could see the variety not available at Wegmans (pre-craft beer bubble) or the Geneva's lovely gas stations. I'm sure Tops may have had a slightly different selection, but let's not kid ourselves I wasn't going to the Geneva Tops.
Utica Club was a good beer pong choice as I advanced in years, beer pong being my most common activity when I wasn't a capella-ing or growing my bitch tits via pretty much every food product I could get my hands on. When I drank Utica Club, I pretended to have better taste than the 19 years old swilling Keystone Light, which I still drank a lot, of course. Utica Club is pretty terrible, all the same, and Utica is a fucking awful place to even think about, but this beer was the first beer sold after Prohibition ended, so enjoy drinking history.
It's also brewed by the same company that puts out Saranac, which I didn't know until just now and, yup, I like it a little less with that knowledge in hand. Ah well.
Many of you know that we used to hang out with the guy that runs this website. Since he won't speak to us anymore, we had to reach out to his evil and insane Mexican Luchador cousin, El Greasico. We asked him to make a weekly NFL gambling pick. These are transcribed from voicemails he leaves us from a payphone. You're welcome.
OH, you didn't know? Your ass better call EL Greasico?!!!!!!!!!!
It is me, the human sex-trafficking machine, El Greasico. I gave those fucking Federales the slip because I'm one smooth and nimble motherfucker. Nothing can stop El Greasico.
So..about those Buffalo teams. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Holy shit. I'd rather go to a male strip club and see socks on the dicks of the Die by the Blade crew than watch these pendejos play sports. You fucken guys make me sick. Oh, poor EJ Manuel. He broke his leg. Did my fat incoherently bad spelling cousin call Leather B. to ask what do the Gods have against Buffalo to make the city into a cesspool of Fatsman's odious farts?
How about the Sabres? Jesus Christ! I thought the shitty tennis playing Pegula daughter was busted, but these cockroaches were beaten by the ugly stick with the way they have played lately. Anyone who fucken believes in this group of ass clowns must be a bigger dreamer than Chubs, who dreams of naked strippers giving him head AKA: My fucken Sunday mornings.
Speaking of dreamers...
Who the fuck is this Closer, loser or Hossy asshole? Nice fucken blog name asshole. I thought being called Scizzy Scizdeamnor was a stretch of being stupid as fuck. You take the cake dick face.
This guy is ripoff of that that fat fucken kid in Moneyball. I bet he's probably fat and he can't get laid just like that pile of lard in the movie.
"Oh, E=MCsquared. Let me get my charts out and mad scientist potion and white jacket. Why aren't the playing the Grigo or the baby players? Oh, puck possession means everything! Im a fucken dork and have a small dick"
Fuck you, you Matthew Coller wannabe. Is that all you do is look up stats? Here's a stat you will never be associated with...34-24-36. Those are the stats/measurements of a hot ass girl I'm fucking tonight. Something you will never do!
Let me ask you, do you fucken put on your taped up "Revenge of the Nerd" glasses before or after you blow Jim Corsi's wrinled cock to rip off his stats? Probably after so you don't get any stains on your glasses. You fucken dork. Go cheer for the Mets with Chubs and Fatsman so you can all fucken fall into the flames of hell with the rest of the Buffalo sports teams.
Alright, let me tell you about this Cake Fingers chick!
Oh, fuck! I forgot! Tonight is the Machete Returns movie premiere. I gotta go and hit up the red carpet in Mexico City and fuck Selma Hayek's maid.
Oh, my lock of the week are the Jags against the Broncos. Fuck your point spread! Chad Henne is taking it all!
I don't know what that was. I apologize for the language and for any statisticians hurt in the process.
Fuck it.... Bills 3, Bengals 17.