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Smarten Up! - Danger Zone

12/13/2012

16 Comments

 
Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane. 

The Bills are still a football team, which really bums me out.  Fortunately I had Boner Shorts Day to look forward to this week and it was a great time.  The next day at work?  Not so much.  As promised, here is my answer to last week's question: "what's the worst thing someone has overheard you say."

To preface this, my 11th grade history teacher was a total cockbag.  He graduated from the school he teaches at, he was popular then, and then in his mid 30's he was still trying to relive his glory days.  He loved making us listen to him talk, mostly inane anecdotes he repeated often.  I think it was about the third time he launched into his "trip to Paris" story when he paused for dramatic effect and I leaned over to my friend/seatmate and said "Congratulations."  Problem: I said this in my normal speaking voice, not a whisper, cue class laughter.

Mr. Cockbag decides that this is a good place to lecture me for my sarcasm and cynicism   The joke was on him because he used both of those words incorrectly.  I knew he was pissy, so I didn't correct him so I wouldn't get detention.  

Epilogue: he goes to my church and the one time a year I see him he never speaks to me or my family, though we sit two pews away.  Assclown.
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what's your favorite position? I mean in football, you sick fuck. @boner_shorts


First it was a total pleasure to meet you, and I am happy that I was a bit late so there were familiar faces around you when I arrived so I didn't have to go up to ever bro at the bar asking "Are you Boner Shorts?"  

Blah, blah, blah "tight end/butt joke."  The most fun position to watch for me are RBs which is fucking super depressing now, eat shit Chan Gailey.  On defense my favorite position to watch: stud CBs.  Tillman from Chicago had FOUR forced fumbles in one game.  Holy shit is he amazing to watch.  At least the Bills have Leodis and Stephon, they can't be as disappointing as their names are spelled right!

Related, I joked that we should rename "doggy style" "the wildcat" on Twitter in case you missed it.  However, I have come up with a better sex act to call The Wildcat.  Surprise anal.  Why?  Because no one in their right mind thinks it's a good idea, when you do it everyone groans, and you're likely to end up covered in shit.  
Rank the 4 commissioners in order from worst to best @essbeeay

Okay, well they all hate unions, and two are the subject of plausible draft conspiracy theories, so this is just worst to least worse.  I'm going to do this in shitty haiku form because I am a ~*freespirit*~

Gary Bettman- Outdoor Life Network / Glow Puck we hardly knew you / because the lockouts
Roger Goodell- Unions are bad news / but so is CTE yet / nothing has changed.
David Stern- Four lockouts? Bitch please / Everyone really hates you / except for Bron Bron
Bud Selig- Steroids Steroids Ster- / -oids Steroids Steroids Steroids / Asterisk Steroids

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Presented without Comment
Playoffs: who do you find yourself rooting for since the bills never make it? (Too harsh? Sorry bro) @SamanthaJoy124

You're lucky I love you lady!  But as a New Yorker, I root for smashed face Eli and his salsa dancing hermano in the playoffs. Plus I hate the Pats so it's a pretty easy fit these days.  But this year is different, I love RG3 so much he's captured the NFC portion of my heart.  If Michael Vick becomes a Buffalo Bill I think I might be a Skins fan, or at least watch Skins games instead.  He is unbelievable to watch, I love him, and miss u London Fletcher.
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I'm familiar with this body posture.
Is there a better genre of food than Mexican? -@MsBossyNoPants

Mexican isn't even my favorite genre of Latin food.  It's not even my favorite North American food (what up Salvadoran food?)  The part of Queens I live in is largely South American, and god damn if that isn't the most delicious foods ever.  I live right by an amazing Venezuelan place!  Llapingachos from Ecaudor are crazy good, like beyond words.  Jackson Heights is largely Colombian (and pro spelling tip: It's pretty easy to keep track of the Coloumbias; ColUmbia University, U's y'all) so I can get arroz con pollo and possibly the best drunk food ever: chuzos.  Meat on a stick, that's it.  They give you an arepa and you can put lemon sauce on it.  Best ever.

But all this aside, my top two favorites are: Peruvian and Uruguayan.  The things Peruvian people do to chicken are literally unbelievable.  If you visit New York and don't go to Pio Pio I will punch you all in the cock, so just invite me I'll take you.  My favorite restaurant is Uruguayan.  Asado, it's barbeque, but elevated, it's so unbelievably good.  And Chivito de Oro takes the mother fucking meat cake.  I go there and order skirt steak rare.  For $25 you get two foot long slabs of meat.  YEAH.
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Parrilladas-mixed grill is crazy stupid good
Hi, I'm not good talking to anyone, but especially women.  If I happen to trick one into hanging out with me in my shitty apartment, that fortunately has a microwave now, what movie can we watch so she thinks I am classy/will allow me to grope her? -Rusty (pictured center)

Good question Rusty!  This is also a screener to see how dumb the girl is, if she won't read subtitles don't waste your time.  

5.Breathless (1960) - Jean Seberg is the reason any vaguely alt-grrrl wears stripes.  After the film she'll think it's charming every time you try to take a peek up her skirt.  And she'll feel too guilty when the film ends to be upset by your marginal lewdness.

4. North by Northwest (1959) - It's a Cary Grant movie, her panties will be in a twist, and a Hitchcock movie so it's probably been on both of your "to watch" lists.  Bonus!  They play it at The Museum of the Moving Image a bunch, so you can hold hands/grope in semi-public.  Titillating! 

3. Chungking Express (1994) - Especially for you Rusty since you love Asian girls.  Everyone else: this movie is two love stories with the very "New York twenty-something" theme of "even when surrounded by people you're terribly terribly alone."  Super cute!

2.Roman Holiday (1953) - Every girl wants to be a princess when she's a little girl.  Then she gets older and if she has brown hair she wants to be Audrey Hepburn.  Audrey Hepburn is literally a princess in this movie, and her male lead is Gregory Peck.  YEAH, you're welcome. 

1. Cinema Paradiso (1990) (you want the 124 min. version currently on Netflix) - If your girl isn't sucking your dick through a wall of tears at the end of this movie, you know she's not the right gal for you.  

Bonus for hockey fans: Love Story (1970) - This is like A Walk to Remember (I'm guessing I haven't actually seen it) meets Slapshot, in that hockey and cancer are featured prominently.  Pretty dopey, but girls dig that shit, and it's definitely dated, I'd say "sorry" but love means never having to say you're sorry.

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By "sweetness and decency" she didn't mean hj's
Are you there Deegers? It's me, The Continental.

Based on my recent conversation about my last question from Rusty with @_repete on the inverse: girl picking a movie to impress a boy.  @_RePete says "western," so I ask for an example film, "anyone I could watch with a chick and still have her interested in me."  So Deegers I ask you "Which westerns?"  

I know we have a bunch of #COOLDADS in the crowd so I'm expecting good answers.
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Thanks for looking out for me
16 Comments
daKunt
12/12/2012 10:46:27 pm

As far as movies go for men, they are so predictable: Shawshank redemption (it is like the Breakfast of Tiffany's for guys), any movie about baseball (field of dreams, bull durham) but to seem really cool pick a Steve McQueen movie (the cool actor from Bullitt, NOT the director of Shame).

Reply
The Continental
12/12/2012 11:05:04 pm

I tried to pick movies that would still be watchable for men. So I'm asking for something that I wouldn't mind seeing too. Otherwise the answer to the crowd is just "every Lethal Weapon movie"

Reply
The Boner Of Shorts link
12/12/2012 11:23:59 pm

First off, a pleasure to hang out too - my 7 hour meeting in Nanuet... not so much. I woke up on my hotel bed fully clothed at 3:30am.

Anywho, I was always a fan of Jeremiah Johnson as a good pick. Redford getting all pioneer hobo-stylee. The Van is also a good choice, and if the guy is a musically inclined dude - Once is a must see.

If none of that works, throw in Cuckoo For Cocoa Cocks and see what happens.

Reply
The Continental
12/12/2012 11:34:49 pm

Once was too saccharine even for me!! I KNOW!!

Reply
The Boner of Shorts
12/12/2012 11:58:44 pm

What about Cocoa Cocks? I feel it lacked the depth and understated dignity of Jack Reacheround.

The Continental
12/13/2012 12:17:00 am

I'm partial to Backdoor Sluts 9, it makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2.

Jonathan
12/12/2012 11:25:56 pm

Westerns? So blazing saddles then. I think if a girl whipped out Fight Club id be like hey now.

Reply
daKunt
12/12/2012 11:48:30 pm

LOVE Fight Club...that is a win/win because the wommins love drooling over Brad Pitt (and maybe Ed Norton if you are into that kind of thing).

Reply
The Continental
12/12/2012 11:56:48 pm

I am DEFINITELY into Edward Norton. Also I love Blazing Saddles! If I could have I totally would have hit it with Gene Wilder. I'm getting his autobiography for Christmas, I didn't want to ask for "My French Whore" though for obvious reasons.

Outlander
12/12/2012 11:29:32 pm

Westerns? No. However I would be immediately impressed, intrigued and enamored with a crime/heist flick. Two that come to mind are The Town (just cuz it was on tv last week) and The Usual Suspects (because it is a top movie for me ever). Mob movies also qualify here, and I count Shawshank as well. Of course my most pleasant movie debut was watching Finding Nemo drunk my junior year of college, so I'm an enigma.

Reply
daKunt
12/12/2012 11:55:53 pm

Inside Man is a good one too.

Reply
NOT Rusty
12/13/2012 01:45:12 am

Two words:

DIE HARD

It's the holidays. You need to go with the theme.

Also, Ladies you're going to want to go with the Bourne Identity. Solid DJ Scratch and Sniff recommendation there

And next week, what movies do you recommend for those of us who will die alone under piles of boxes for microwaveable hot pockets. (Microwaves are awesome btw)

Reply
The Barrister link
12/13/2012 02:29:50 am

I think I'm really liking this Rusty character. All 80 pounds of him.

Reply
MsBossyNoPants link
12/13/2012 09:54:37 am

Welp, thanks for filling me in on other non-Mexican Latin types of foods. I haven't heard 95% of the words you wrote in those two paragraphs before, so safe to say, I've never had any of those foods. If I come to NYC in February [as I am likely to do] we should def spend a meal at that Pio Pio place. But only if we can go to Grandstands beforehand and get shitfaced.

Reply
NOT Rusty
12/13/2012 12:45:09 pm

Hey MsBossyNoPants, I'd be happy to show you around. I'm very non threatening.

Reply
Ironman92
1/2/2013 12:45:27 am

Rudy, didn't you watch Newsroom?

Reply



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