The Bills are still a football team, which really bums me out. Fortunately I had Boner Shorts Day to look forward to this week and it was a great time. The next day at work? Not so much. As promised, here is my answer to last week's question: "what's the worst thing someone has overheard you say."
To preface this, my 11th grade history teacher was a total cockbag. He graduated from the school he teaches at, he was popular then, and then in his mid 30's he was still trying to relive his glory days. He loved making us listen to him talk, mostly inane anecdotes he repeated often. I think it was about the third time he launched into his "trip to Paris" story when he paused for dramatic effect and I leaned over to my friend/seatmate and said "Congratulations." Problem: I said this in my normal speaking voice, not a whisper, cue class laughter.
Mr. Cockbag decides that this is a good place to lecture me for my sarcasm and cynicism The joke was on him because he used both of those words incorrectly. I knew he was pissy, so I didn't correct him so I wouldn't get detention.
Epilogue: he goes to my church and the one time a year I see him he never speaks to me or my family, though we sit two pews away. Assclown.
First it was a total pleasure to meet you, and I am happy that I was a bit late so there were familiar faces around you when I arrived so I didn't have to go up to ever bro at the bar asking "Are you Boner Shorts?"
Blah, blah, blah "tight end/butt joke." The most fun position to watch for me are RBs which is fucking super depressing now, eat shit Chan Gailey. On defense my favorite position to watch: stud CBs. Tillman from Chicago had FOUR forced fumbles in one game. Holy shit is he amazing to watch. At least the Bills have Leodis and Stephon, they can't be as disappointing as their names are spelled right!
Related, I joked that we should rename "doggy style" "the wildcat" on Twitter in case you missed it. However, I have come up with a better sex act to call The Wildcat. Surprise anal. Why? Because no one in their right mind thinks it's a good idea, when you do it everyone groans, and you're likely to end up covered in shit.
Okay, well they all hate unions, and two are the subject of plausible draft conspiracy theories, so this is just worst to least worse. I'm going to do this in shitty haiku form because I am a ~*freespirit*~
Gary Bettman- Outdoor Life Network / Glow Puck we hardly knew you / because the lockouts
Roger Goodell- Unions are bad news / but so is CTE yet / nothing has changed.
David Stern- Four lockouts? Bitch please / Everyone really hates you / except for Bron Bron
Bud Selig- Steroids Steroids Ster- / -oids Steroids Steroids Steroids / Asterisk Steroids
You're lucky I love you lady! But as a New Yorker, I root for smashed face Eli and his salsa dancing hermano in the playoffs. Plus I hate the Pats so it's a pretty easy fit these days. But this year is different, I love RG3 so much he's captured the NFC portion of my heart. If Michael Vick becomes a Buffalo Bill I think I might be a Skins fan, or at least watch Skins games instead. He is unbelievable to watch, I love him, and miss u London Fletcher.
Mexican isn't even my favorite genre of Latin food. It's not even my favorite North American food (what up Salvadoran food?) The part of Queens I live in is largely South American, and god damn if that isn't the most delicious foods ever. I live right by an amazing Venezuelan place! Llapingachos from Ecaudor are crazy good, like beyond words. Jackson Heights is largely Colombian (and pro spelling tip: It's pretty easy to keep track of the Coloumbias; ColUmbia University, U's y'all) so I can get arroz con pollo and possibly the best drunk food ever: chuzos. Meat on a stick, that's it. They give you an arepa and you can put lemon sauce on it. Best ever.
But all this aside, my top two favorites are: Peruvian and Uruguayan. The things Peruvian people do to chicken are literally unbelievable. If you visit New York and don't go to Pio Pio I will punch you all in the cock, so just invite me I'll take you. My favorite restaurant is Uruguayan. Asado, it's barbeque, but elevated, it's so unbelievably good. And Chivito de Oro takes the mother fucking meat cake. I go there and order skirt steak rare. For $25 you get two foot long slabs of meat. YEAH.
Good question Rusty! This is also a screener to see how dumb the girl is, if she won't read subtitles don't waste your time.
5.Breathless (1960) - Jean Seberg is the reason any vaguely alt-grrrl wears stripes. After the film she'll think it's charming every time you try to take a peek up her skirt. And she'll feel too guilty when the film ends to be upset by your marginal lewdness.
4. North by Northwest (1959) - It's a Cary Grant movie, her panties will be in a twist, and a Hitchcock movie so it's probably been on both of your "to watch" lists. Bonus! They play it at The Museum of the Moving Image a bunch, so you can hold hands/grope in semi-public. Titillating!
3. Chungking Express (1994) - Especially for you Rusty since you love Asian girls. Everyone else: this movie is two love stories with the very "New York twenty-something" theme of "even when surrounded by people you're terribly terribly alone." Super cute!
2.Roman Holiday (1953) - Every girl wants to be a princess when she's a little girl. Then she gets older and if she has brown hair she wants to be Audrey Hepburn. Audrey Hepburn is literally a princess in this movie, and her male lead is Gregory Peck. YEAH, you're welcome.
1. Cinema Paradiso (1990) (you want the 124 min. version currently on Netflix) - If your girl isn't sucking your dick through a wall of tears at the end of this movie, you know she's not the right gal for you.
Bonus for hockey fans: Love Story (1970) - This is like A Walk to Remember (I'm guessing I haven't actually seen it) meets Slapshot, in that hockey and cancer are featured prominently. Pretty dopey, but girls dig that shit, and it's definitely dated, I'd say "sorry" but love means never having to say you're sorry.
Based on my recent conversation about my last question from Rusty with @_repete on the inverse: girl picking a movie to impress a boy. @_RePete says "western," so I ask for an example film, "anyone I could watch with a chick and still have her interested in me." So Deegers I ask you "Which westerns?"
I know we have a bunch of #COOLDADS in the crowd so I'm expecting good answers.