Wow. Weekdays suck. I started my week with a crapload of work all jammed together like the Buffalo News Sports staff trying to ride an elevator together, then followed it with a bunch of exhaustion, and now the week is almost done and I figured I'd scrap together a few thoughts to impart to you before the weekend. Why? Because fuck you that's why.
Join me. And imagine me saying that in as non-creepy was as possible.
- Ok, first things first. When in the fuck did we start using chemicals to disperse cloud cover as a means of ensuring happy and bright looking TV for our athleticy sporty things? And when did we allow Russia to start using them just because they had a holiday and even though no one was watching and even though all Russians are enveloped in a harsh embrace of sadness no matter if you give them a few days of sunshine? I know I probably should have heard about this crazy shit before but COME THE FUCK ON. Cloud Seeding?? We humans are dummies. Learn our lesson? Never! Fuck off.
- Speaking of sports! The Mets are fucking terrible. It's Father's Day this weekend and I get to go to a game with my kid which is great because first time at a game with your kid has got to be awesome. Except it won't be, will it? I'd be angry about Hefner pitching except he's actually been pretty decent lately and is finally getting his ERA down to a semi-respectable number. The hitting though? What. Had. Happened?? Team is batting .224 which is bad enough but when you take away the pitchers it only goes up to .229. Jon Niese, the opening day starter, is batting a fucking .235. METS BATTERS ARE BEING OUTHIT BY ONE OF THEIR PITCHERS. I use all caps because of rage and laziness and a general feeling of dontgiveafuck. Ugh. These guys are the pits. Ike Davis got sent down to AAA about a year too late after starting the year batting .161, struck out in his 3 at-bats in his first game with Vegas, and is curretly 3 for 11 with the 51s. The real actual name of the team in Las Vegas. The 51s. Whatever.
- How about those US Soccer guys, right? Pretty much the only thing keeping my sports sensibilities afloat these days is the fact that the US squad seems on the verge of qualifying for 2014. Sure, a lot needs to be done, including next week's match in Salt Lake City, but the team has looked sharp. Particularly when compared to the way they looked in the Hex's opening match loss to Honduras. Again -- lots to do. But the win in Jamaica took care of business and they fucking handled Panama in Seattle. Speaking of Seattle: the rumors were right and that place is vying for the best soccer market in America. Wow, what a show those fans put on there. The American Outlaws were out in full force but you have to believe that the Sounders' supporters clubs filled out the numbers and provided a lot of the excitement in their home park.
- What's that? More absurd shit coming out of Russia? Fuck you, guy.
- But seriously, I can't help it. There's apparently a lot coming out of the Good Ol Mother Country to keep my gears grinding these days. Though this one is really just about Don Cherry being a fucking idiot, which I feel is an internationally appealing story.
- Fuck Craig Schaller. This asshole keeps putting his foot in his mouth after reasonable thinking society - the part of society that isn't racist and can see their own dick - put you in your place, you keep on with your bullshit. Quit twitter. Kill yourself.
- Oh WAIT. I can't say kill yourself, right NFL. If I say something sarcastic or hyperbolic, people might believe I really want people to commit suicide because generally people can't be trusted to understand the flimsiness of hyperbole or sarcasm. ... Fuck this is a dumb story. And it's dumb for two reasons, very much in conflict: (1) no NFL coach or player really wants their opponents to die or get hurt badly, not really, and (2) fucking professional football can fucking kill you. Like for realsies. The heat raining down on the Bills is stupid. It's hyperbole when they say "go kill them!" ... though, to be fair, it's also insensitive hyperbole because of reason #2 above, but whatever. The NFL is in no position to gripe about this or a host of subjects precisely because it's profiting off of this paradigm of violence. And, so long as we consume it, we fans aren't in a position to get all pissed off either. Pro football is great and terrible and awesome and dangerous exactly because motherfuckers can die or get paralyzed or hurt forever. It is what it is. It's hypocritical for all of us to pretend it's something different. I love it and I hate that I love it, but whatever. If the Bills win a Super Bowl, I'll forget all these gripes pretty quickly while running naked through abandoned grain elevators on the East Side and doing crystal with some homeless guys. These gripes are infinitely more troubling because our team sucks and we have the time to think about them because thinking about the sucky team makes us want to cry. We, by the proxy of Ralph Wilson's wrinkly, weird smelling hand, pay these guys millions because of the on-field dangers. Is it fucked up? Kind of. Go Bills.
- #HateErie ... Fuck em up, FC Buffalo. But do so without hurting them at all, in case you were confused.
That's all I got right now. The NBA Finals are crazy, and the NHL Finals are exhausting, but I'll save those for one of the other assholes who writes for this site.