The NFL as Heroin, An Obviously Late Week 2 Yachtsman Preview.

"BLEEEEEEEEEERRRRRGH!"

The Yachtsman

Well NFL fans, here we are: Week 2 of the season is upon us. In accordance with Interweb tradition, I'll be tackling a weekly NFL preview to generate pageviews and hopefully make this fucking shit show profitable (LAUGH). As with everything I do, I'll be blatantly ripping off the format my hero Drew Magary uses over at Deadspin (loud yelling and cursing.....so declasse). There are no byes this week, so no NFL fan will have a reprieve from the corporate megachine designed to suck all the joy of out the quiet Autumnal beauty occuring just outside our collective window (right Matt Stewart?!!?). THE LOSING DISEASE CONTINUES. ON TO THE PREVIEW.

Livestrong, Bro. Livestrong.

Just to prep you guys, I'll break down the games into four tiers. You can then pick which ones you want to watch accordingly. They are ranked in quality from first to worst.

Kelly's Korner.

JIM KELLY'S VODKA GATORADE GROUPING:

Everybody has that one story they like to tell when they meet new people. I have a story about peeing my pants at an age when it was totally unacceptable and passing it off as "sweating". Dubs has a story about that one time he ate an entire ham in his underpants while his wife was sleeping. Jazz Hands has his Jim Kelly story. Rumor has it that in the early 2000s, before St. Jimbo found Jeebus and got off the sauce, The Bills had an intern whose sole responsibility was to trail Jimbo with a gatorade bottle of fine quality vodka mixed with one of the citrus "colored" gatorades. One day I want to get that famous so I can stalk the sidelines of One Bills Drive as a distinguished alumni with an intern trailing me with a vat of scotch.

These games are as high as the quality of Jim Kelly's Gatorvodka:

BEARS @ PACKERS *THIS GAME ALREADY HAPPENED BUT FUCK YOU ANYWAY*

I really want to see a game at Lambeau, but I am petrified of the Ain't Got Shit To Do Rule. I have a theory that says the worse a town gets, the more viciously intoxicated you become if you are a visitor. I learned this rule during my 4 years at SUNY Albany. Albany is a notorious dump, but I got exponentially more hammered there than I did anywhere else because there was absolutely nothing to do. If I were plunked down in Green Bay, WI for a weekend I'd probably die of instant sclerosis.

BRONCOS @ FALCONS

Peyton Manning's robot infused neck looked awesome against the Steelers last week. There are few teams I love to watch lose more than the Shittsburgh Steeltaints. As a Bills fan, I feel like Fredo to their Michael. I would give anything to sell them out to the Miami Jewish Mafia.

LIONS @ NINERS

Not only is Megatron on the cover of Madden 13, I also drafted him in my fantasy league. I think we might see the NFL's first on-field fatality this year. Sorry, bro.

RAVENS @ FALCONS

I save every shit that my dog takes so that one day I may take a giant sack of poop and place it upon Michael Vick's grave. That may be creepy and weird but it's my little slice of vengeance.

Nobody fucks with the Taskmaster.

STEVE TASKER'S PILE-ON NUTSHOT GROUPING:

My favorite story about the Bills Glory Years is from retired All-Pro Safety John Lynch. In one of Lynch's first NFL games, he was in a pile-on after a fumble. He and Steve Tasker were at the bottom of the pile. Lynch had the ball. Tasker, the consummate professional and ultimate competitor, grabbed onto Lynch's junk and twisted as hard as he could. Lynch lost the ball. As they were getting up, Tasker screamed at him, "DON'T YOU EVER TAKE THE FUCKIN BALL AGAIN FROM ME, ROOKIE." Awesome. Nobody circles the wagons.

SAINTS @ PANTHERS

Week 1 is my favorite time of year, because I don't look like such a lunatic because everyone else is panicking around me too. CAM NEWTON FORGOT HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL. RGIII WILL WIN LEAGUE MVP. I'M DROPPING WES WELKER. WHY THE SHIT DID I NOT DRAFT MARK SANCHEZ!?!?!?! Everything will balance out by week 4, but in time being, let's sit back and enjoy going batshit crazy pants.

COWBOYS @ SEAHAWKS

Dogs are awesome, and here's why: My dog and I have identical feelings towards people. For instance, my dog loves my girlfriend more than anything in the world. She needs to be touching her at all times and follows her around the apartment whenever she's home, much like I do (co-dependent nervous laugh). She humps Dubs whenever he's over. She's wary of Jazz Hands at first but then warms up to him. I've never really seen her be negative towards people until this past summer, when I was living in an interim apartment with a rando roommate. He was a nice enough guy but sort of gave out that "I might masturbate into your T-Shirt drawer when you're sleeping" vibe. Scout noticed this too. In order to express her displeasure, she peed on his carpet. She's only peed in the house 3 times in 3 years. That's an awesome dog.

JETS @ STEELERS

It's weird that my only positive interaction with Jet fans was at their stadium last week. Up until that point, I'd never met a Jet fan that wasn't somehow an obnoxious doucheface aside from college friends. That being said, wouldn't it be great if none of the toilets work at Heinz field this weekend and Jet and Steelers fans alike are doused in their own waste and filth? No? *crickets*

BUCS @ GIANTS

Fuck me Warrick Dunn was an amazing video game running back in his prime.

Dave & Buster's!

WILLIS MCGAHEE'S TRANNY TRAIN GROUPING:

I may or may not have had a relative who may or may not have worked security at Bills games in the early 2000s who may or may not have seen Willis McGahee hanging out with a couple trannies in the tunnel at Ralph Wilson Stadium once. He may or may not have told me this after several beers during Thanksgiving Dinner in 2005. HENCE THE TRANNY GROUP (Brazilian judge gives this group a full 5).

VIKINGS @ COLTS

I think my favorite Minnesota moment is when my Minnesotan family member of mine got all hammered at a family wedding at the Carlyle Hotel in New York City (ALERT: ONE PART OF MY FAMILY IS SUPER FANCY. NOTE: IT'S NOT THE BUFFALO PART). He and I were THOROUGHLY enjoying the top shelf open bar (for real, Johnnie Walker Blue. I'm not kidding) whilst wearing our super fancy Tuxes. I was taken at the time, but he was a swinging bachelor. Being a former college football player, he had the highest swag/douche rating out of any 23 year old I knew at the time. I marveled at his lady grabbing skills. I also marveled at his GIANT HUGE BALLS when it came time to find a place to bed the monster MILF he picked up at the after party. HE ACTUALLY ASKED THE GROOM IF HE COULD SPARE THE MARITAL BED FOR A FEW WHILE HE TOOK HER UPSTAIRS. Douche? Perhaps. Legend? Absogoddamnlutely.

CARDINALS @ PATS

BEANIE WELLS YOU GIANT FUCKING DICKCHEESE. Not only did you fuck me hard when you played at OSU (see: gambling problem, several years ago) but now you are fucking me in fantasy. WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO FUCK ME, BEANIE. AND WHY IS YOUR NAME BEANIE. Sidenote: Fuck Tom Brady.

REDSKINS @ RAMS

Robert Griffin III. I respect him for so many things, but mostly for updating Jamie Foxx's iconic do-cut from the 1997 Opus "Booty Call". Cheers, RG3. Here's to many more phenomenal haircuts/touchdowns.

TITANS @ CHARGERS

Chris Johnson, thank you for continuously fucking everyone and their mother in fantasy since 2011. I love you.

Sweet goat, Jim.

THE JAMES HARDY PULLING A GUN ON HIS DAD BEFORE HIS ROOKIE YEAR AND CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE WE WASTED A SECOND ROUND PICK ON THIS SKINNY VERSION OF ROBERT ROYAL!??!?! GROUPING:


I feel like the title speaks for itself. Of all the shitty fucking second round picks the Bills have had in the past several years, James Hardy is far and away my favorite. A classic reach for a guy with a shitty background and no potential....he was a 2008 draft pick and he's not even in the league anymore. Ah One Bills Drive.....DECISIONS MAKING AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL. Also, he pulled a gun on his old man, so there's that.

CHIEFS AT BILLS

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY ATTENDING THIS NIGHTMARE OF A SHIT SHOW. We'll be at La Galleria parking lot, the same place I've tailgated for the past eleventy years. This game will be a phenomenal coming out party for Chiefs fans. We will get crushed. At least I can troll some KC tailgates for phenomenal barbeque. God I love to tailgate. 

TEXANS @ JAGUARS

Texas and Florida battle to the death in the trophy for shittiest secondary in-state football teams that nobody really cares about. Have you guys ever seen a picture of the new owner of the Jaguars? He looks like the boss of an N64 game level. His hobbies probably involve hammer throwing and beating his chest angrily.

RAIDERS @ DOLPHINS

This game just brings joy to my heart. These two franchises are the two we, as Bills fans, can look at and say "Well, at least we're not them." I can't wait to watch the cutaways during this game to see how many roving bands of Raider sociopaths are chasing old retirees through the empty stands looking to rob them for beer money. Tremendous.

SONG TO DESCRIBE OUR FEELINGS ABOUT THE BILLS THIS WEEK:


"It's Oh So Quiet" by Bjork. 

It's definitely going to be a weird home opener. Getting blown out by a division rival in Week One after an offseason of massive expectations will make even the most loyal Bills fan pause. I'm wishful thinking with my song pick this week....I hope I jinx us into becoming the mad raving lunatic horde that we're known for. Beers help.

Also, fuck Bjork, she blows.

"We're talkin' proud!"

FAKE CARL PALADINO'S LOCK OF THE WEEK:


Many sports websites incorporate the use of a funny schtick to pick their "stone cold lock" of the week. ESPN uses fat shit Mike Golic and leather enthusiast/racist Chris Berman, Bill Simmons uses some version of his buddy Jacko/Jimmy/House/Awful, and WGR uses sports yelling. We here at DGWU like to get on the horn with our good fake buddy, Fake Carl Paladino. Fake Carl, take it away!


"I'll tell youse who I like this week: the Pittsburgh Steelers -5 to the New York Jets at Heinz Field. The New York Jets clearly don't put America first, sitting a true American hero with true American Christian values on the bench while they let an immigrant from California take his job. That's why I'm picking the Steelers. Hard working, tough, true American heroes. It's money in the bank: when playing against Mexico, always bet on America. Even if that fella coaching Pittsburgh isn't white."

Fake Carl's 2012 Record: 0-0

Shithead.

FANTASY FAILURE: THE PLAYER WHO FUCKED ME THE HARDEST LAST WEEK.


This weeks award goes to shithead Beanie Wells, the Ohio State product-cum abject failure of the Arizona Cardinals. He has more talent in his chin than most other NFL tailbacks, but hasn't been able to string together a successful season ever. He is the biggest cocktease in the world. OF COURSE I DRAFTED HIM IN A ROUND THAT NO ONE SHOULD EVEN BE GOOGLING HIM. I fully blame the state of Ohio for all the woes this country has faced since 2000, Beanie Wells losing out slightly to George W. Bush as the top offender. I hope the kid who dots the "i" tears his ACL in front of his parents and the entire stadium.

Jacko!

SUICIDE POOL PICK OF THE WEEK.


Apparently Cam Newton's Dad stopped paying off the refs last week, thus eliminating the Panthers from my list of teams. Unfortunately it forced me to fall into the ranks of the Week 1 buyback reprieve, so now I'm in for a cool hundo instead of original fifty bucks it cost me to be in my work league. But the pot is upwards of 6 Gs, so I'm fine with it.

This week, I'm going with Sassafras Quarterback Philip Rivers and his merry band of underachievers against the woeful Titans. 

I'm not very good at this.

5Chan.

CHAN GAILEY FIRING DEFCON LEVEL: WEEK 2


This week's 5Chan Firing DEFCON level holds steady at DEFCON: Levy. In the eyes of the ancients (Buddy/Ralph), getting blown out after arguably the biggest offseason in history (aside from Kelly in '86) on the road to the Jets ain't gonna put you on the hot seat. If Dick Jauron can go sixteen consecutive seasons of 7-9, 5Chan still has at least another decade under his belt.

Last Week's DEFCON level: Levy.

Gold Metal.

WEEK 2 CRAFT BEER OF THE WEEK.


I love craft beer because it allows you to get esoteric and artisanal with my struggle with alcohol addiction. That's why I've made it my career. And I apologize for this week's obvious homer pick, but fuck you. It's my blog.

The Home Opener is a special time in people's lives. You drive out to the game, see friends you haven't seen since last season, and get sunburned and shitty on a stark patch of pavement in the blaring sun. So for this week, I'm not going to bombard you with a monstrous IPA with astronomical ABV or some facepunching stout that will force you to sleep in your camping chair after two. No, this week we're going long haul. I present to you Mama's Little Yella Pils, from Oskar Blues Brewery of Longmont CO (homer alert). A crisp refreshing 5.3% pilsner, this is what shitty macro North American Lagers wish they could be. Brewed in the traditional Bohemian Pilsner style, this beer has won multiple awards, most recently Best Pilsner at the 2011 GABF. 

Also it's easy to drink and you can drink like 36 of them before game time. And when you're done you can crush it on your forehead.

MOVIE YOU SHOULD WATCH INSTEAD OF THE BILLS GAME: THE BURBS.


"Ray, there's no doubt anymore. Your neighbors are murderin' people.". - Art


The Burbs may be my favorite movie of the 1980s. I can repeat every line because I've probably seen it 1734 times, and it never gets old. Unfortunately, The Burbs is one of those "love it or hate it" movies. Watch it. Judge for yourself. If you like it, chances are you and I will get along.