So I’ve compiled a list of pointers - a 16-step program (one for each round - get it?!) that will allow you to perform at least as well as myself in your fantasy league (2nd place if you're lucky) (me, “perform” HA!). Now, this isn’t meant to be some bible about fantasy football strategy or some analytical system that’ll show you where the value is in the draft, or whether you should draft a QB or a RB first. If you want that shit, give Matthew Berry a handie and be sure his dick is pointing directly at your brain as he climaxes. You know. For maximum absorption of his genius.
No, to be perfectly frank, I’m just in the mood to fuck with you. See, last week I was locked out of my parents home, and - stricken with boredom while I sat on dirty plastic outdoor furniture - I volunteered my services for fantasy advice and no one took me up on the offer! Not one! So I decided to write this shitty thing. Here’s the deal. Some of these 16 tips are actually good advice. Others are not! BWAHAHAHAH.... HAH.
WHY SO SURIOUS?!?
16. Pat LaFontaine sayeth “thou shalt not wait until 16 to take a kicker.” Yea, Thou, you fuckin idiot. You know who was the leading scorer of the Packers last year? Well, it was Aaron Rodgers. But AFTER Aaron Rodgers it was... OK, it was Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Jones, but after THEM it was Mason Crosby! And he, like, sucks man. The point is that kickers score a ton of points, dude, so you better get a good one. I’m not saying you should take Sebastian Janikowski in the 1st round, but... maybe the 11th?
15. Join as many leagues as you can. It’s a numbers game. The more leagues you’re in, the better your odds of winning one. Plus it’s more fun. I mean. would you rather pay a ton of attention to 2 leagues or just set a dozen lineups every Sunday? Duh. Plus, if you only do a couple leagues then you can’t draft every player in the game. I mean, last year, you would’ve had to known ahead of time that Adrian Peterson was going to be a stud to draft him. But if you’re in a dozen leagues, chances are you grabbed him in at least one of them!! #championship
14. Make sure you only join leagues with really weird scoring systems. No points for kickoff return yards? No thanks. No drafting defensive players? See ya. No bonus points for 50+ yd field goals? Go suck a fuck. Join one of these cookie cutter “standard” leagues and you’ll just be sitting around cheering for touchdowns. There’s a lot more to this game called “futbol americano.” Embrace it.
12. Use math. Like, arithmetic, or even some statistics. NO, that doesn’t mean LOOK at numbers and scratch your scalp like an ape pondering which piece of ape tail he’d like to impregnate, it means DO stuff to the numbers. Manipulate them. Here’s an example. Maybe you’re the guy that’s pondering whether you take Aaron Rodgers in the first round. But you’re wondering, of course, “how shitty of a running back am I going to get stuck with if I wait til the 2nd and 3rd round?” WELL, you might want to take a look at aaaaalllll of the quarterbacks in that league, and how many points they scored, and where they got drafted, compared to allllll the running backs in that league. Maybe, like, you can see how many fantasy points you can expect to lose by waiting a full round with a QB compared to how many fantasy points you’d lose by waiting a full round for a RB... hmmm... WHAT COULD YOU DO WITH THAT INFORMATION?? … I’m sorry I’m being a pretentious dickhead. But I rarely edit these things, so I guess I’m just going to leave it like it is. I’m sure your mother loves you very much.
11. Let me guess - you’re a Bills fan, right? Great. Just don’t draft anyone that wears a Patriots, Dolphins, Jets or, yes, BILLS jersey. Just don’t do it. Especially the Jets because they ALL blow chunks. There’s not one player on that roster that I would recommend drafting. But for the rest of them... you’re going to overvalue Bills players and thats not a smart thing to do. Especially if you’re drafting with other Bills fans. I promise you, Stevie Johnson is not worth the 3rd round pick it’s going to cost you to draft him. “But, like, I wanna tell all my friends that I got Stevie on my team!” well, great, man, but you’ve got some money on the line and there’s a much more economical way to show your pride in the Bills and Stevie Johnson. Do what I do: just suck their dicks whenever you see em. Then, you can tell your kids some day that you met CJ Spiller or EJ Manuel with a little smirk on your face, and maybe look at your wife, and a small piece of her soul - the part that loves you - will die. But you’ll be happy. Proud. You gave CJ a BJ. Fuck her, who cares.
Oh, right and the Dolphins and Pats guys? Sure Brady’s going to put up a ton of points, but then you’re going to hate yourself. Even if you win a bunch of money and you can throw it up in the air, and watch it flutter to the ground, and then lie there on the floor with it and make little snow angels - that’s the hard-earned-cash of your friends that you kinda like sometimes in small doses! And you won it because you were disloyal to Ralph Wilson! Sleep on THAT, pal.
10. Don’t trash talk. You’ll make enemies too quick, and then all of the sudden when you want to fleece someone in a trade they won’t trust you. Plus, this is serious stuff - trash talk is for the middle school basketball court. Grow up Peter Pan. Count Chocula.
8. Do not, under any circumstances, draft a Wide Receiver from San Diego. Don’t wanna listen to me? Fine. Have fun when Vincent Brown has a career ending knee injury in week 4.
7. Keeper leagues suck. Besides, you won’t talk to those assholes next year anyway. No thanks.
6. Jaquizz Rogers has an awesome name, and is worth your 6th round pick or later. You’re just going to have to trust me on this one. STOP. Do NOT go type Rogers, Jacquizz into that rotoworld search. 2 reasons: a) you’re probably spelling it wrong. hell, I’m pretty sure I spelled it wrong. b) they’re full of shit. just listen to me. He’s got a grandpa and a grade B fatty in front of him on the depth chart. Come week 5 they’ll be dead and you’ll be cruisin’ with the ‘Quiz.
5. Cam Newton is a cancer and selfish and immature and should be avoided at all costs. Go with Andy Dalton instead. And tap your confederate flag on the wall for good luck.
4. I’m quickly realizing that I don’t have 16 intelligent things to say about fantasy football. Which is pretty depressing when I consider how much of my fucking life I spend thinking about it. Why, even tonight I have a fantasy draft in my dynasty league and (in addition to writing this) I’ve already decided that ZERO work will be done on my part for my employer today.
Oh, you still wanna tip? Umm... stay away from Luck, RGIII, Wilson, Kaep. QBs pretty typically sophomore slump. And yes, I know, settle down, I know that last year was not Kaepernick’s rookie year, but it was his first time starting.
3. Pick out ahead of time which round you would like to take each position. OK, OK, I’ll be really generous and just give you mine:
16. Marquise Goodwin. Duh.
Conversely, every league has a Moriarty. A Man in Black. A Venom. An Ivan Drago. A scoundrel. And if you don’t take advantage of the Andre, this contemptible little weasel will. Bet your bottom dollar. He’ll take advantage of any rules loophole he can think of.
1. The #1, numero uno rule of Wild Card’s guide to Fantazy Foozball, is READ THE TEA LEAVES. Fantasy Football gods are a fickle bunch. Mercurial. Unpredictable. Vengeful. They will send you messages in very cryptic ways. Maybe you’re standing at the pisser with a guy wearing a UC Aaron Rodgers jersey. Hm. That’s odd isn’t it? Or maybe you go out to dinner Saturday night and your waiter’s name is Julio. Very odd. What are the gods trying to tell you? Sometimes I even deliberately consult with people who have no knowledge whatever of fantasy football. Debating who to throw into your flex spot? Ask your wife/girlfriend. “Honey, should I start Rashard Mendenhall or Lamar Miller?” “Uhh... what?” “Just pick a name!” “Ok... the first one.” Good choice, babe. Good choice.