Good old Scizz has called in "pissed at this fucking team and pretty burnt out by life" this week so I'm handling this. Oh joy of joys, the task of previewing a game the Bills are sure to lose the week after they got worked by a pretty mediocre Jets team and made my eyes bleed live and in stunning technicolor.
Putting predictable letdowns at fucking MetLife Stadium aside, and before I go on to the hastily put together bullet points and hapless soundtrack recommendations, it must be mentioned that Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is a fucking masterpiece. Stoner movie stereotypes aside - and, let's be real, if you can't enjoy a good "oh man I'm so high" joke, get over yourself narc - man, that flick is genius. This film was my beloved companion during the year after college when I was selling vacuum cleaners badly and substitute teaching pretty ok and accidentally nailing the LSATs getting into law school. Every time I watched it, I would be reminded around the 12th minute of all the hilarious, random moments yet to come and laugh my ass off at how chock full of beauty the movie is. As for the big picture impact, this is the movie that sparked Neil Patrick Harris's return to show biz (sort of made up fact?), so everyone should love it always since now we get NPH hosting awards shows and doing dance bits and it's goddammed rad.
Back to the Bills!!!!!
Um... well.... fuck it.
1. We still have a football team? Sort of? For now? WOOOOOOO!!!!!
2. Ryan Fitzpatrick is no longer the quarterback of said team.
3. Ralph Wilson will die soon. Hopefully not so soon that I feel any guilt about wishing for it publicly just now, but whatever. I'm no god.
Three Things to be Absolutely Terrified About:
1. The motherfucking offensive play calling is motherfucking atrocious. We were sold a delightfully shitty bill of goods this offseason about the revitalized offensive scheme and how the days of throwing any available object at the television because Chan Gailey is a piece of shit were behind us. Instead, we have this eminently likable dude Nathaniel Hackett - a guy who was pumping up his guys during camp and preseason, giving us all a reason to believe the myriad offensive tools on the roster would suddenly fall into place - and the plays he calls (or EJ calls, whatever, it's Hackett's rodeo) just look... confused. Confused as to the kinds of skill sets available. Confused as to the situation and the demands of such situation. Confused as to how to get CJ Spiller the fucking ball without defensive lineman gobbling him up like a plate of fucking tasty as hell Swiss Chalet. We can assume it will get better if we want, but we've seen absolutely no evidence such is the case, so don't be an asshole and hop on the Express Train to Sadzville with me. I hear they have beer there.
2. The defense - in its entirety - is as inconsistent as a new dad's sex life. Jesus. BILAL POWELL. Asshole won't be in the league in five years and he ran for 149 yards last Sunday. I don't even know what to do with that. And this isn't even mentioning the fact that Jairus Byrd is never going to play for the Buffalo Bills again (oh shit I mentioned it), since I don't want to bum you all that much (oh shit I bummed you out that much). Last Sunday, facing the worst offense they'd seen all year, after putting up respectable and good efforts against the Pats and Panthers, respectively, the defense looked like their old self again. Want to run on us? Have at it! Want to torch us deep with your rookie QB? Sounds great! Just use a little lube, if you wouldn't mind. This isn't prison, after all.
Or is it??
3. The Ravens are better than the Jets. By a significant measure. Maybe not on the offensive side of the ball, though we could have that debate, but their run defense - currently 4th in the league despite having faced Arian Foster last week - is scary enough considering that hif the Bills have any chance at recovering from last week, their running game is their only hope.
Just What To Do - Beat Apetit feat. Rabbi Darkside
As a general rule, I love everything Rabbi Darkside has been involved in because (a) it's, as a rule, always dope as hell, and (b) kid is straight up Buffalo. He graduated from my high school the same year as my older sister and my best friend's older brother, so I know the guy and am super biased because he's a recognizable and friendly face in a city full of assholes, but this guy runs his game the right way. Hip hip educator, MTV Made beat box coach, master lyricist... there is a lot to love about what Rabbi brings to the table. His new album is killing it on a lot of college and indie hip hop charts, but this song was probably the first glimpse of him I got several years back. If you love supporting artists from Buffalo or love good, positive hip hop, do the right thing and toss this guy on your Bills tailgate mix.
Playlist song addition that you probably know but should be on every playlist ever:
Hold On - Wilson Motherfucking Phillips
This song is a lot of things, and all of those things are awesome. If you don't like this, you probably don't like getting hammered and singing along to great music with friends and people you just met before going to watch the Bills get lit the fuck up by the Jets at MetLife on a warm September evening.
Also, this song's appearance in Harold and Jumar Go To White Castle is some hilarious ass shit.
#BillsMafia Tweet of the Week:
Scizz generally puts in some disclaimer here about how great Del Reid is, and how this section is just making fun of assholes who use the hashtag as some sort of cloak for their shitty opinion, so let it be known I love you, too, Del. Now on to the fun.
Jabari Greer memorial player of the week:
I'm not really sure I understand the point of this section, but I'm going with Ron Brooks. For some reason, I kind of like this kid - probably because he impressed me straight out of a hangover when I went to training camp this summer. I admit that he hasn't been, um, killing it lately, but I'm using my superior powers of wanting things to be true and watching them be sort of not really true. Like God.
Erik Flowers memorial player of the week:
TJ Graham. TJ Graham. TJ Graham.
Fuck TJ Graham.
Keystone Light. This terrible beer was the most popular beer at my college, as the local Wegmans carried a 30 rack for something like $19 and they kept it in that awesome walk-in cooler that kept beer cold for about 26 hours. My college, mind you, was (and is) full of trust fund dickholes and girls who would go to brunch in sweatpants, their STD-ridden boyfriend's oxford collar shirt, flip flops and a matching set of fucking pearls.
They went to brunch with pearl necklaces. All of them. Gross.
AAAAANYWAY, this beer is fucking awful and equally delicious. I love it so much. It's also one of the main reasons that I had so much game with the ladies between the years of 2000 and 2004. Not because they were too drunk to notice how fat hideous I am (was?), but because I WAS too drunk to notice. Hashtag science. Hashtag outkicking your coverage. Hashtag always wear a condom.
El Greasico Hot Tomato Gruel Pick of the Week:
Unfortunately, unassailable Deeg sources have revealed to me that El Greasico has been kidnapped by the Knights Templar Cartel and is being held for $100 ransom. While we hope for the best and his safe return to a free life, an anonymous source has also forwarded a video taken of El Greasico when he crashed a tailgate last weekend. Chokes me up just thinking the world will never see his beautiful visage again. Thoughts and prayers, you greasy motherfucker.
Bills 10, Ravens 37.