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Life is Piss...a Fuck You Ted Nolan Story.

3/31/2014

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TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE!!
Hey kids, it’s been a long time (unless you listen to the Podcast, and you probably should listen to the podcast). Everything about Buffalo sports sucks complete monkey dicks and when I think about it, I want to die. So sitting down and putting those thoughts into long form isn’t exactly something I look forward to doing. But let's give it a shot. As a bonus, there’s some mailbag-ish Twitter questions that I chose to answer below about cats and other neat stuff.

First off, before we get to the mailbag, I feel the need to throw some additional dirt on the corpse of Ralph Wilson. I’ll keep it brief because others have made the same point I’m about to more eloquently than I probably will, but it needs to be reiterated. Don’t ever forget while you’re sucking back Genny Cream Ales at the Ralph Wilson Memorial Tailgate Party that Ralph was a cheap old fuck who did absolutely nothing to secure the future of the Bills in Buffalo. When he died, my mind didn’t go straight to “Oh man, this sucks…we should celebrate everything that nice old man did for us!” and jump into the “My Favorite Bills Memory of the Time I saw Ralph at the Stadium and He Shook My Hand And It was Fucking Magical” circlejerk. My first thought was, “How soon do the Bills leave Buffalo?” It’s sad, I wish I could have been able to say goodbye to Ralph without sounding like a petulant little shitbag, but that’s his legacy to me. He left that door open and I ran right through the motherfucker. Not in a rude way, but not with the reverence that would have been deserved had that stubborn old codger actually given a fuck about us. Compared to The Outlander and The Barrister, I was downright polite.

Ok, lets take some Twitter questions, because hey I hate myself and so should you! There’s a definite Ted Nolan theme to all the questions that I was asked. I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I have a mild dislike for Captain Compete Level, but we need to dive deeper. I’m totally going to ignore the Buffalo Blue Collar Compete Level Work Hard bullshit, because I’ve made it abundantly clear in this space that I fucking loathe it. Steve Ott, Blue Collar, Ted Nolan, Work Hard - all of it can go die in John Ramsey’s wine cellar for all I care.

@essbeeay how are the sabres ever gonna be good. And is ted Nolan a zombie. Thanks

— Alex Sheridan (@Lawnie2) March 20, 2014
I picked this question because of the way it was asked, I think the two things go hand-in-hand. Part of the issue I have with Nolan is that he’s just flat out the wrong guy for the development of young kids. If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice that aside from noted superstars Matt D’Agostini, Mike Weber, and Jamie McBain, we have a lot of youngish kids and like 50 billion draft picks coming through here the next few years.

Now, I know that realistically not all of them will become NHL players, not to mention GREAT NHL players. But I think the odds of either just decreased with this Nolan extension. He’s never shown that he likes to play rookies in any meaningful way until this year with Zemgus Girgensons. s that a testament to how good Zemgus is? Or was it “hey, this guy is on my Olympic team, so I should probably keep him around me.”? It’s probably more of the former, but who the hell knows…the latter wouldn’t shock me one bit based on Nolan’s past or the fact that he plays D’Agostini 20 minutes a night because the guy coaches at his hockey school. Hopefully he’s on-board with developing these kids, and not giving John Scott their ice time because “THEY DIDN’T EARN IT,” but based on his magical Try Real Hard Fairy Dust crap, that is the only thing he understands or ever talks about. 

He's a singularly focused creature that can't be bothered with the nuances of good hockey, keeping his dick out of the vaginas of other dude's wives, or waiting a reasonable amount of time between meals. So, yes, Ted Nolan is a zombie. 

As far as Mikhail Grigorenko and Joel Armia?? I’m writing them off now. There’s no fucking way they amount to anything under Nolan. He’s not going to let them. So this move has already cost them 2 quality young players, both first round picks. How long will the final trail of Marek Zagarapan-ish dead be?
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Seen: Mikhail Grigorenko’s dog (for real) riding in the backseat when Grigorenko flees Buffalo due to Ted Nolan, circa 2016
The other aspect of Ted Nolan, NHL Coach that’s been surfaced by many people is the fact that he readily admits to having no knowledge of X’s and O’s and that he’s not an X’s & O’s guy. Cool, that’s good news. I mean, it’s not like over the course of the next 3 years there will be – lets say 10 – guys who have never played NHL hockey coming to him for advice and knowledge that he doesn’t have. TRYING SUPER HARD AND STUFF is fantastic don’t get me wrong. I’m probably a shitty person to confirm that for you, because I do just enough to get by and it’s worked for 30+ years, I’m basically the Cody Hodgson of life. So if they don’t bring in assistants who have exceptional knowledge of NHL systems and what it takes to play in the NHL besides “try hard”, there could be some serious trouble ahead.

So when will the Sabres be good?? Before this extension I would have said 3 years to playoffs, 4 years to serious hockey team. Now?? At least 5 years to maybe hitting 8th place, and I’m basing that off of the fact that 2 first overall picks will have enough natural talent to overcome the bullshit they’re going to be subjected to the minute they pull on that sweater.

The other part of the Nolan thing I hate is that it’s not a hockey decision by any means. It’s bullshit pandering to all the fucking horrible assholes who (I hope) are a very vocal minority and drink the Berry Blue Collar Kool Aid that Nolan dispenses, like a modern day Jim Jones – wherein Cheektowaga is like Jonestown. One day I hope to come home and find a bunch of fat, dead Pollacks in PatrickKaleta jerseys laying on Union Road with blue lips. Whereas Ralph Wilson died and did some shitty things, at least he never let the fucking WGR Whiner Line influence his decisions as it relates to his team.

You know, Buffalo is a tremendous hockey town…people will go watch hockey, even if it’s real bad. If the Sabres had a marketing department that was worth a shit, you wouldn’t need to hire bad coaches because people like them to keep people coming to games. You seriously waited until last week to do “Fan Appreciation” events?? Fucking Christ, teams around the league do all sorts of cool shit to get people to go to games. Promotions for students, promotions for LGBT groups, bobblehead giveaways, trading card giveaways, t-shirt giveaways, Star Wars Night, Lord of the Rings night…whatever. The Sabres do so fucking little of this that I understand why that arena has become a silent, miserable place. It has a little to do with THEY BAD and a lot to do with “going to games isn’t fun”. You have a market that will eat the shit you put out for it, and you can’t even put out some ketchup or mustard to dull the taste a little for them. Give some incentive for people to not race to StubHub and get that $7 for a Florida Panthers game. Make losing a little bit more fun than it has to be, there’s always going to be people mad that you suck shit as a hockey team that you won’t be able to placate – but those people aren’t going anywhere – do fun shit to keep fringe people interested in whatever the fuck it is you’re doing over there.

Fuck, lets move onto some fun questions before I start hemorrhaging.

@essbeeay will the Islanders be your second team when you move to LI? Related: how terrified are you of moving to LI?

— Dubsy (@theycallmedubs) March 20, 2014
NOT HELPING!!! Yeah, as it turns out I have to leave California this summer and head back East to live on Long Island for a year. I’m not real thrilled about it, because I fucking LOVE California…but the fact that I can meet up with Dubs and the gang for beers and sports will help dull the pain of leaving paradise. After that, we will end up somewhere else…so don’t get too attached. I have no idea what to expect from Long Island, other than it apparently costs more to live there than where I do now and it’s full of Jews. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but fucking seriously, that's what everyone who hears I'm moving there makes sure to tell me. It's weird. Oh, and I heard they have a Bennigans.

As far as other teams go – the Penguins will always be my second team, and I’m partial to the Sharks as well.

@essbeeay Do you think Ted Nolan decides what he has for a family pet based on its compete level? If so, where do you think cats rank?

— Aaron (@AaronTRW) March 20, 2014

@essbeeay Are your cats lazy? If so, have you tried screaming different, often misused versions of "compete" at them until that changes?

— Taylor Nigrelli (@Nigrelli93) March 20, 2014
Our cats are exceptionally lazy. Most cats are. One of them likes to curl up on my lap and sleep for hours on end. Which also shows how lazy I am, because I’m available to stop being a sentient being and instead just be a chair for hours on end. The only compete level in our cats revolves around food or occasionally staring at shit outside wishing they could go out there and get hit by cars.

@essbeeay claws or declawed

— Dennis (@djprosabre48) March 20, 2014
Clawed. Which means we don’t have nice furniture and will never have nice furniture. Or children.

@essbeeay do your cats sleep to the sounds of violent video games

— Zemgus Jagiello (@Husaria) March 20, 2014

@essbeeay why won't you play titanfall with me

— Zemgus Jagiello (@Husaria) March 31, 2014
I never play anything without a cat napping on my lap helping me shoot brown people or robots. I even announce that I’m going to shoot people and usually one of them will hop up and join me.

I’m always down for some man shooting or hockey pucks on the video game systems, but I usually don’t play until you east coast shitbags are sleeping. I have both Xbox One and PS4 (and Xbox 360 too) – you can hit me up at essbeeay on Xbox Live or essbeeay on PSN. I might not always jump on the headset if I'm being sensitive about making a shitload of noise and risking my dick being removed by an angry Vet Student.

You can also follow me there on Twitter, @essbeeay which is how I usually sign off…so bye!!

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The most #becauseitsbuffalo-iest piece of garbage that ever did buffalo. Buffalo. 

3/25/2014

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The Barrister

FOR. FUCK'S. SAKE.
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I don't subscribe to the Sabres email list - this email was sent to people who do, and the homie @Mechaphil tweeted it and has told me that he believes this is the first instance of any such emails while he's been signed up on this list for the last 6 or 7 years - but if I did, I would expect some degree of care and respect and, I don't know, not this fucking garbage. This email is (a) not hockey-related, (b) not Sabres-related, and (c) bullshit. 

Hockey Heaven this is not, assholes. 

This is a fundamentally asinine and abusive use of fan interest to increase revenue by a team that deserves far less fan interest than it currently gets. This is the Third Jersey of emails. This is the Big John shirsey of emails.  This is the Terry Pegula of emails.  

Monty Python would write sketches about stupid shit like this and we'd all laugh and it would be grand but instead THIS REALLY HAPPENED AND CHRIST YOU ARE AN AWFUL FRANCHISE.

When people ask me why DGWU Sports has basically become a soccer-and-soon-baseball website, at least until the Bills get going again, this is now going to the top of the list. This is inexplicable. 

You're now worse than the Bills, in almost every way. Congratulations. You did it.

Mr. Pegula, you've purchased a local hockey team that ought to be held in public trust, with community ideals held as sacred, and fan faith and love and interest cherished above all else.  Instead, not only do you not win, and not only do you show scarce signs that you have any fucking clue how to win, and not only do you miss the mark with team marketing more often than you hit it, but now this. It's so fucking easy to not be the corporate behemoth that treats its fan base as money trees to be slaughtered and left to waste, but I guess it's also equally easy to do exactly that.

We shouldn't be surprised. You've made your billions by raping the environment, and now decide to dig wells into your fan base, rip cracks into the foundation of a city's love for its team, and take whatever you can straight to the bank.  We don't even really know how inept the organization is, but we see signs enough to make us fear the worst. We ignore those signs out of little else than fear that these past 10 years might actually be the glory years when we're looking at the first pick in the 2035 NHL Draft, the Presidents Trophy and Divisional banners looking just as lonely as they do now.

I fucking love the Buffalo Sabres. But, as surely as I do, I hate the people insistent on ruining it. 

Fan goodwill is forfeit, you money-grubbing pieces of shit. If you wanted my attention, you've gotten it. Hell, maybe this will be a Sabres site again. I guess I was probably waiting for something like this.... maybe now I'll come here much more often to talk about how much I loathe you vile sacks of excrement parading as Buffalo's next generation of revitalization heroes.

Fuck you.
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The Casted Foot - Episode 7: Nine More Cup Finals

3/23/2014

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Well, technically 8 more Cup Finals now.
Obviously this monstrosity - and I mean that in a good way, I promise, this is great! - couldn't get edited and uploaded in time, so obviously that meant it going live after the match yesterday, but them's are the breaks with amateur, poorly crafted, digitally recorded, oral sports takes.

Barrister and Phil (@Mechaphil) linked up again to re-hash the joy of winning at Old Trafford and look forward to Liverpool's trip to Cardiff. In the middle of it, we talk about Julian Green committing to the U.S. Men's National Team, FIFA corruption, and the glory of American deliberate indifference. 

Bonus clip at the end of this massively long episode as we welcome the hottest of takes from Rochester's biggest (only?) Cardiff City supporter, recorded before the game, at halftime, and immediately after Cardiff's 6-3 loss to the Mighty Redmen. /farts

Download here or here. Stream below. Subscribe via the RSS feed here, or iTunes button embedded below. You want options? There are your fucking options.

As always, all of the DGWU podcasts are available at deargodwhyussports.libsyn.com.  Cheers.

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How do you find words to stand in for such unexpected, baffling, knee-weakening joy?

3/16/2014

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The Barrister

I've been grinning all day, trying to focus my thoughts on what a win like this means; what it means for the Club and the players and the supporters and, well, for me. What it means to be looking glory square in the face again, after such an arduous and unpredictable path away from it, and what it means to now find the necessary balance between reveling in what can fairly be described as "HOLY SHIT THIS RULES WHERE ARE MY PANTS?" and breathing deeply the reasoned cynicism well-taught by five years of ingrained and immovable disappointment.

If I'm honest, the balance has shifted in a way that's both uncomfortable and welcome, since dreaming again is what we'd been waiting for all along. Dreaming is what makes sports worth anything when stripped from the bullshit economics and the vague morality plays. Dreaming is why we have lucky jerseys and fan rituals and why we bother to have favorite players to do the things we wait for them to do ... the hope for a moment of beauty and achievement and, if we're lucky, perfection. Sports can be perfect, as marred as they are, through how they might at some point make us feel. Dreaming of that is an end in and of itself, and to have even just that dream is pretty fucking fantastic.

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Earlier this season, when Liverpool sat in roughly the same position in the League Table as they do now, midfielder Lucas Leiva said, and I'm paraphrasing, that it was good for fans to dream. It didn't matter if it was premature or folly or whatever, since it was the players' jobs to make sure that they kept themselves and their aspirations in check and that they got the job of each game done, but fans didn't have that responsibility. Cheer. Dream. Believe in a miracle run to a Premiership title. Have at it, Lucas said. It's fun.

Of course, it hasn't been fun lately. Not until about 14 months ago, and even since then it's felt necessarily precarious. We saw how quickly success could vacate the Club - a title chase quickly transitioned into near bankruptcy and then into terrible management and a slow crawl back from the edge - so we were guarded. We'd let ourselves hope for a Champions League berth, but no more. A line in the sand, such as it was.

But then we had a thrashing of Tottenham away, and two close losses at Chelsea and City, and then the resounding win against Arsenal at home. And we had other affirmative statements of our club's dominance or even just its ability to win when it shouldn't, making us forget the weak moments and the disappointing moments; helping us move past the regret of dropped points that does a fan no good when he controls so little. So when the time came, a trip to Manchester seemed, because it simply was, important in a way that it hadn't been since we'd really started on the road to mediocrity.

Win and this all seems genuinely doable. Lose and the opportunity to win the League would be genuinely lost.

"We'll lose, for sure. It's Old Trafford after all" ... This or some other similar caveat tossed up as the defense mechanisms that fans don't need, but somehow cling to so that they can shrug off the sadness that feels strangely and inappropriately like shame if their team's failure indeed comes.

Except dreaming is allowed. And at this point, for fans of the Liverpool Football Club, it's all but required.

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The DGWU Sports CrapTastiCast - Episode 43: Deadline Day Douchebaggery!

3/7/2014

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Tim is unimpressed with our takes
Back with actual Buffalo sports talk in a Dear God Why Us? Sports podcast, The Barrister, The Outlander and The Commander form a critical mass of the Deeg and break down what happened with the Sabres over the last few days. Good God, it was messy and beautiful and let's do it again soon.

Musical interludes by way of The Jambrones, The Mooney Suzuki, Talib Kweli, Architecture in Helsinki and Basement Jaxx. Throw your hands up.


Download here or here. Stream below. Subscribe via iTunes below. Subscribe via RSS here. Do your thing the way you want it. 
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Farewell, #30

3/4/2014

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The Outlander

In the midst of what is, if not rock bottom for the Buffalo Sabres, at least the lowest any of us have experienced up until this point (have to always consider the possibility for things to deteriorate further), I can say from my observations that no one seems to be handling it particularly well. That is not to say that everyone is handling it in the same way, just that no one seems to be handling it well. Maybe a good way to handle a situation like the one the Sabres find themselves in doesn’t exist, at least not for the fans who follow the team closest and have done so for years. Everyone is pissed off at someone, or some group, whether that be ownership, management, or the media for using the vulnerability, confusion and disappointment of the team’s fans to push what in the end is nothing but rumors, conjecture, and scapegoats in an effort to prey on their attachment to the team for page views and newspaper purchases. The fire sale was always coming, yet its arrival has brought fewer calm and reasonable voices than it has frenzied debates that have no winners.

In the end it’s sadly appropriate that this is how Ryan Miller departs, an afterthought, overshadowed by larger front office and ownership disarray, being merely the first domino in the final gutting of a team that has been rotting from the inside for years. He couldn’t even have the transaction to himself, had to share the podium with a guy that had spent barely enough games here to constitute a full season, couldn’t have the final home game before the deadline to himself, getting yanked from the lineup with most fans in traffic on the way to the FNC or downing their pregame wings and beer at Cobblestone. Aside from the RT’s of the St. Louis Blues twitter- which aren’t in any way as interesting or applicable as some think- the discussion has already shifted to who’s next, what’s next for a team that seems at once to be rudderless and piloted by capable hands. Discussion about what Miller looks like in a Blues jersey, or says about his new home, or produces for his new team is only relevant in what conditional draft pick the Sabres end up receiving in return.   I’ve never understood the purpose of keeping a dossier on a player’s actions following his departure to a new place, I think it’s far better to look back at the time he was here, the times we got to watch him and remember how lucky we all were for that.



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