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"I'm the warrior chief. I'm the merciless god of anything that stirs in my universe. You fuck with me, and you will suffer my wrath." - A Week 3 Recap - Bills at Dolphins

9/27/2015

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John Shale, Bills backup fullback and munitions expert
​The Barrister

UPDATE: We recorded a carcast en route to the bar to watch the game and Scizz just sent me the audio file from his phone so here it is! Bonus points for listeners who can decipher what's playing on my car radio at any given moment.
That was a fucking splendid afternoon of Buffalo Bills football we got yesterday. Unfuckingreal.

With a season as short as that of the NFL, generally a full week between games, every outing becomes a narrative-guiding metric even if we know it shouldn’t be. We should be able to relax and remain patient while we wait for a more reasonable sample size to come in for evaluation; we should be able to wait to see just how successful our particular squad is and, perhaps even more crucially, how good or awful the opponent really is, before putting much stock into any one week’s result. The Week 1 win against the Colts seems a little less impressive given how poor they’ve looked since; last week’s loss to the Patriots looks a little more forgivable now that we’ve seen another week wherein they dismantled their opposition (albeit to the most dismantle-able team in the league); and now yesterday’s win, well, it is both heartening and devoid of meaning given how good the Bills looked and how bad the Dolphins have been in their three games. 

So, what to make of it? The sample size went up a game, the Rex Ryan-led Bills showed us something new by bouncing back from a brutal day and parlaying their fourth quarter would-be heroics into a massively dominant afternoon against a division rival, and the Dolphins are a dog shit football team that most halfway decent teams should be able to beat. So the Bills are at least halfway decent. Maybe even pretty good since they won by thirty. Maybe stacked with enough talent both on the field and on the sidelines that they can make a true run at a Wild Card. Predictions are dumb in this sport, we’re still talking about less than a quarter of the season in terms of available data, and I’m most certainly wrong due to any combination of the following factors:
  1. Any predictions are entirely unable to account for the dumbfuckery of the NFL and its dumbfuck rules and the dumbfuck officials that enforce the aforementioned dumbfuck rules in a way that makes me wonder about the meaning of life and my impending death;
  2. #becauseitsbuffalo we will revert to the mean of sadness in substantial measure;
  3. The Patriots are developing a plan to thieve the DNA of Buffalo’s skill players and replace it with the genetic code of the morning show guys on WEEI;
  4. Tim Graham is bound to snap and murder me or someone I love someday, which is I suppose only sad for me, but fuck you for bringing that up;
  5. Paul Hamilton is going to give the team swine flu;
  6. The GOP’s insistence on banning stem cell research has stymied UB’s research into curing the Losing Disease, sucks to be us; or
  7. Carl Paladino is Buffalo’s version of Adrian Veidt (Watchmen references two weeks in a row, deal with it, chump ass motherfuckers), which means he is (a) creepy as hell with an ugly face, (b) a fucking idiot, and (c) going to send a massive [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS) to [REDACTED FOR SPOILERS] us all.  
But seriously, it looks like they’re going to be a good football team and bring us all the happiness we’ve so desperately craved because life always works out and I'm sleep-deprived and a little baked out so really I'm bound to believe anything right now. There's no way (read: every way) this can end badly!
 
Onto the recap!


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"Hold on to your butts" - Your Week 3 Bills Preview. Buffalo at Miami.

9/26/2015

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​The Scizz

First off, I’ve avoided much of twitter and football all week, so this week will be a very abbreviated version of my preview. But Speedz and Greasico will be dropping their weekly knowledge as is. Now back to the Bills….

​Last week sucked. There is no other way around it. The team and fans have now been forced back down to Earth, as Brady has torn apart our heart and souls once again. Part of me is beyond disappointed, but the other part is just happy its over and looking to see what happens this week. If anything, how they play Sunday against the Phins will be a great show of what to really expect from here on out, especially after the Jets dismantling of the Colts. So hold onto your butts and let’s take this ride together.​

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“I'm into, oh murders and executions mostly. It depends.” - A Week 2 Recap - Bills vs. Patriots

9/21/2015

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The Barrister

Annnnnnnnnnd, we're here. 
Yet another proctologist's appointment appearing before our eyes despite our firm belief that, no, this can't be right, we actually scheduled a pleasant $45 Chinatown rubdown, what the fuck happened?. 

As if it was ever going to be different. 

We Bills fans love storybook scenarios. Of course they always end up falling apart in a fiery blaze before our increasingly weary eyes, but we love them all the same. We love wins, but we won't be buying those wins dinner and some over-priced gelato unless the wins follow a pre-selected script and satisfy our need for that story at the same time they toss another game in the W column. Sometimes I wonder whether the win is secondary to the story; whether we like the story because we can live it out for a full week before kickoff and we can enjoy that week without remorse, regardless of outcome. Whether we like it most because it's more within our control; because we can live five or six days with the agency that we so lack when it actually comes time for Sunday afternoon. 

Last week was one of those weeks - a week where fans were so convinced that the corner has been turned and is firmly in our rear view, where fans got the national media on board and some jamoke that even the #BillsMafia couldn't stand raised eight grand and got Guinness in the house because we weren't just convinced of our team's forthcoming success, but also of our own unflappable superiority as a gathered mass of frantic noise and endless, unceasing devotion.

And, of course, yesterday was one of those games - a game that stuck to the script for only a few fleeting minutes, that cultivated hope only briefly, and that left us to watch with bloodshot eyes that familiar dance of fire and metal and anger and fat, drunk men passing out at their seats as the Hindenburg of our hubris came crashing down, exploding the narrative for all the world to see. 

The fact that we haven't realized that the only plausible story when this team of ours plays a Belichick-coached, Brady-quarterbacked Patriots team is a story of death and destruction is a curious bit of trivia destined to be the topic of a short segment in the History Channel's series Sports: The Lower Dose Opiate of the People, which is reportedly set for production in 2025.

Anything good we can take from the game gets snatched up and re-purposed for this week's story. Anything good we can take from the game had little utility to the game itself, so we recycle and reuse and manufacture hope that our Bills can reduce their unshakable, ongoing propensity for moments of moral victories and little else.

So, shall we? 

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“Do you ever have déjà vu, Mrs. Lancaster?” - Your Week 2 Bills Preview. New England at Buffalo

9/18/2015

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The Scizz

Well that was unexpected. I mean of course I picked Buffalo to win last week, and of course this year has felt very different with all the changes to the organization, but a dismantling one of the top teams in the AFC never seemed plausible to me. Wow. Just wow.

But haven’t we been here before? As Barrister pointed out in his recap earlier this week, every year the Bills start with a big win we get excited. 2011 and 2014 all started out the same way. Hell, even 2013’s opening loss at home gave some of us hope. So is this year truly different? Is this the year the Bills get over the hump and make the playoffs? Or will I be writing this same week two opener next year (the answer to that is no as I’ll be sick of writing these previews by week 5, phoning it in until week 8, and then finally just deleting the Barrister’s number from my phone altogether).

The best part is that this week we can at least sit back and take in an easy win at home against the….wait what’s that? The Bills play who? MOTHERFUCKER!

Of course it has to be the Pats. Here to crush my dreams and inch me closer and closer to actually stalking Tom Brady and attacking him with a rusty butter knife. 

BUT THEN AGAIN, maybe this is a blessing? The Bills off a huge win get Tom Brady and the Pats in week two, nice and early in the season to see what this team is really made of. If they win, we can all stay hopeful, if they lose (or in most Bills/Pats scenarios lose BAD), we can all come back down to Earth a little and realize there is still a ways to go. Either way the hype is real and I can’t wait for it to be Sunday. Here we go……




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Pretend the title of this post is just the Fire Emoji.

9/16/2015

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The Commander

I really wasn't sure how to open this...because I'm writing it with some serious rage. My creativity isn't quite flowing past the bile that I'm gagging on at the moment. 

I'm a pretty nice guy, I try to be respectful of people and stuff. I limit my criticisms to open ended subtweets and passive aggressive shit, I try to stay away from the SJW type stuff that a lot of people get involved in, not because I don't believe in a lot of the good people are trying to do or because of my own values. I'm just not really that type of person. 

But man, when you take something I love and enjoy like oh..... Sabres hockey and make a complete mockery out of it, man I get a little punchy. 

This one's been building up for awhile, but it's coming to a head these past few weeks. 

It's time to face facts. The off-ice department of the Sabres is a complete fucking embarassment. 

I'll start with the easy thing: the decision to not live stream the Prospects Tournament. This is a layup for me to be mad about. 

I don't live in Buffalo, I can't go to this fucking thing and buy hot dogs and beers and hats. Does that make me any less of a fan? Does that mean I shouldn't be able to follow the prospects that I've been waiting on for a few years while the actual garbage hockey team was dressing waiver wire fodder and trading away actual good players to get these kids? 
 
The frustrating thing about this is that I know it's not a financial decision. It can't be, right?? I mean, there's a literal plaza and complex of hockey related shit down there that cost 14 billion dollars. There's a sports bar that draws a buttload of people. I know, even aside from the fact that the owner is a kajillionaire, they can't be hurting for money. 

If you're not going to stream it as a decision of some type? Just tell me why. I might not (ok, there's no way I would) accept your reasoning, but at least I'd know why you're being dickish about it. And hey, if I'm wrong and you want to squeeze money out of people, I'll pay $10 to watch the tournament online, because I'm stupid as shit. Give me the option. Give me SOMETHING besides ignoring the outcry and telling me it's on the shitfucking radio like I want to watch Phil Housley and this is 1982. 
 
Otherwise, I'll just happily sit here and point out that the fucking Nashville Predators, in the smoking hot hockey hotbed of NASHVILLE FUCKING TENNESEE is streaming theirs. 


That's the easy one, EVERYONE is pissed about the streaming thing. 
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Oh but there's more...there's SOOOOO much more. 

How about trying to buy merchandise from the Sabres Store when you live out of state? I just bought a jersey from there a couple of weeks ago. The process itself is easy, you call up, tell them what you want, the person goes to check stock, confirms said stock, takes your info and places the order.   

You see the problem I have is that I was charged $25 for shipping UPS Ground on a $180 order. Look here Sabres, I understand that you're not Amazon and don't have your own logistics company to offset the cost of doing this type of business. I mean, sure, charge me for shipping if you need to. But $25 for standard UPS is fucking ridiculous by itself... let alone when I'm spending $180. Also, since I don't live in the area, I can't take advantage of any sales that the Sabres Store has, so maybe free shipping on a $100+ order is a nice gesture, I dunno...I'm a sucker for trying to support my fucking team. I just don't want to get bent over so thoroughly when I do so. 

My retail spending habits aside, HOWEVER... The biggest, and most egregarious problem with the Non-Hockey portion of the Sabres office is the god damned Twitter account.

The motherfucking Twitter account. The cringe-inducing, make your butthole pucker up nice and tight while you follow along with it Twitter account.
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I'm not sure when this all started, and I'm certainly not the first to voice the dissatisfaction here. If you want to go back a few years even, I believe most people started to take notice of this when the account started egregiously retweeting shit like OMG IM AT THE SABERS GAME WITH MY BESTIESS!!! during games instead of providing any sort of game information whatsoever. The outcry over this eventually led to the creation of a different account for this pandering nonsense, which I guess is fine if you get off on being noticed by the Sabres Twitter account for showing up to a game - that's cool, you deserve it after the last few years. Go nuts. 

It's not that the Sabres Twitter is BAD. (Yes it is).  I mean it serves its purpose in a very basic way. It tells you there's a game tonight, it gives you some video of the players telling you they need to go out and give 100% and all the other cliched nonsense that the media drags out of those guys. That's fine, I'm ok with that - it's important. 

God forbid the Sabres Twitter actually had some decent original content to push out to us, though... funny videos, getting to actually KNOW the players, things like that. Other teams do this. Other teams EXCEL at fluff pieces like that - they get the players to buy in and do skits, and all sorts of fun things. I know the Sabres have some seriously talented people working in the Team Coverage department - shit, Kevin Snow was awesome before he left for greener pastures, Ian Ott is a totally normal dude who seems to get it, no other team has someone as dedicated to coverage of the teams' prospects as Kris Baker, Chris Ryndak was one of the most insanely talented bloggers in the Sabres blogosphere before he was hired. 


The problem is, you don't seem to hear from these quality gentlemen very often. The Sabres Twitter pimps the fucking hell out of that god awful Hockey Hotline show with those two idiots that host it - but I'd LOVE to see more original content from these talented people represented here. The blatant lack of self awareness of CK ANAL as he curates the content on @BuffaloSabres is what seems to drive everyone fucking nuts though. Holy fucking shit. When you're hosting a prospect tournament in your own barn, featuring one of the best hockey prospects of the past 15 years...your best play after the team decides not to stream it... is to tweet the most barebones information you possibly can with a vomit inducing amount of Emojis? 

We really can't do better than this? We can't find anyone better to run the public facing side of your social media presence than the person who uses the tool like you sat them in the "HERES WHATS COOL AND HIP ON TWITTER 2015!!" introduction class, gave them the password, and let them spam the red 100 emoji 15 times a tweet non-ironically? 
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Holy motherfucking shit. @BuffaloSabres is run like the Twitter for Applebees for fucks sake. I realize that the Buffalo Sabres are a #brand, but sports teams aren't like types of laundry detergent. They have history, they have colorful characters, they have a never-ending stream of #content. And I'm motherfucking insulted that your Twitter account panders to people like there's a buy one get one free sale on you at Target this week. 

Look, people who follow you already LIKE you. They've already "bought" the product. This nonsense like "no arena giveaways," "no web streams of shit," "no dressing up Patrick Kaleta like Shrek" needs to stop. I'm not asking you to be the LA Kings Twitter or whatever. I'm just asking you to not be the fucking Orbitz Twitter. It's a fucking embarrassment. Give me a sense that you actually know who Derek Plante *IS* when he's going to be on Hockey Hotline - he's a guy who scored one of the Top 5 Goals in the fucking franchise history by the way. Cover the prospects game better than your goddamned AHL franchise did for starters...that shouldn't be hard. Don't tell me the score of the fucking prospects game and in the same fucking tweet, spit in my fucking face and tell me I can listen to it on the radio like this is 1957 and Jack Eichel is crinkling paper to make fire sounds effects after he scores. Stop using Emojis non-ironically like a 13 year old girl who just figured out that they are a thing that exist on her fucking Hello Kitty iPhone. When the rest of the league is doing a #fun thing like watching the Mighty Ducks movie and tweeting about it, having fun, making jokes with each other - don't be MIA. 

Eyes are going to actually be on you soon and I'd prefer they know Jack Eichel as the motherfucking cock of the walk, not the USA flag Emoji. 

If you need any fucking help, and it's clear that you do, it's right down the hall - maybe you can Periscope your walk over there: 

That's cute. #RockTheRalph https://t.co/e5prkIYg4c

— Buffalo Bills (@buffalobills) September 15, 2015
You can block me at @essbeeay if you're so inclined. I already know you're petty enough, and I already know I won't miss anything. 


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"And you think life takes more than it gives, but not today. Today it's giving us something. It is giving us a chance ... to give a shit." - A Week 1 Feelings Recap - Bills vs. Colts

9/15/2015

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The Barrister

Sometimes it's really hard, inexplicably hard, to tell whether a moment in our lives really feels different than the ones that came before it, or whether we just want to believe it does for sanity's sake; whether it feels different because of objective facts available to us, or because our subjectivity refracts the available facts to such an extent that we can't help but believe; whether, right here right now, this past Sunday and the forthcoming autumn of 2015 was and is and will be actually, really, truly, objectively different than the morass of turd we've waded through this millennium, or whether we've simply begun yet another another revival of the one-act play we've written in the collective think tank of Bills fans incapable of not simply squeezing the most fun out of whatever it is we got.
We've been here before, surely, but the past informs our present and while it may be foolish to think too seriously about how this feels different than other teams and other hot starts to a season, here we are on a September Monday with a palpable sense that a change is gonna come. Indeed, it already has. - Me, September 15, 2014
We've been here before. Or at least somewhere close enough that a healthy serving of worry isn't necessarily unreasonable. 

Alas. I always go the other way when it's September. 

Objectively, we have a lot of facts available to us that can't be dismissed. The team's ownership is now vested in a new family with vision and resources that haven't been available to the club, well, ever. Their ownership was enabled by one last redeeming act of the club's previous owner, a man so entrenched in days-gone-by that we could not escape the fact that our Bills were always going to be a dozen steps behind as the NFL modernized into its current form of capitalist, monolith juggernaut; a man whose last mic drop was to ensure the Bills stayed in Buffalo and the wealth gleaned from the team's sale would be charitable in its purpose. 

Those facts aside, we remain in a place all-too-familiar: a place of hope without complete reassurance; with optimism based on small sample sizes; with the feeling of progress and the belief in enough rain to end the godforsaken drought we've had. All of it so fucking familiar and very possibly driven more by our persistent need for the sensation of belief than the team's actual capacity to sustain it.


Then again, maybe not. 

Good luck not letting your jaw drop watching this PERFECT 51-yard Tyrod Taylor TD pass to Percy Harvin. #INDvsBUF http://t.co/5HKrqNd8Q9

— NFL (@NFL) September 13, 2015
Belief ran deep in Orchard Park on Sunday. It was infectious and inescapable, thriving in the early-morning tailgates, reunions with old friends, hugs and high fives and, thankfully, in the stadium itself. It was a feeling like nothing I've felt in years, fuck, like nothing I've dared allow myself to feel.

Holy shit was that belief rewarded. 



THINGS I LIKED:

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"There's No Place Like Home" - Your Week 1 Bills Preview. Indianapolis at Buffalo

9/11/2015

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Stay Calm readers! Your eyes do not deceive you! 

FINALLY, The Scizz has COME BACK to DGWU Sports!
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That’s right, your not so favorite, foul mouthed asshat  of an internet troll has returned to do the 2015 Buffalo Bills game previews. Why you may ask? Well several reasons actually. First of all, the Bills offseason has just simply been too momentous for me not to get involved in the upcoming season. Sure, it could all burn down in a giant tragedy the likes of which nobody has seen since the stupid ass hick Bass Pro Shop fell through on the waterfront, but HEY, we got Rex, and Sammy, and TyGod, and the D-Line, and Shady, and Percy, and AND SOME GUY NAMED MATTHEW MULLIGAN! Get excited.

Second of all, the Barrister has been begging me to write something for over a year now and I like to make my little buddy happy (full disclosure he is larger than me and could crush me Of Mice and Men Style). So here I am Barrister, writing a flaming pile of crap on a shitty work laptop. You asked for it.

And finally, dare I say I miss it a little. Twitter and the blogosphere can really become exhausting, but in small doses I’ve been much better at handling the ins and outs of miserable pricks who complain about everything, fat assholes who always think they know more than you, and political jibber jabber that makes my eyes bleed. Also, I just used the term “jibber jabber”.

This year instead of picking one movie to use a quote for the title of each week’s preview, I’m going to ask twitter which one to use and take the best one. Try to keep it on theme week to week you creeps.


So let’s get started, shall we?


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