As this post was written this morning, you will be able to distinctly tell when in the course of writing it, the Bills head coach became the Bills former head coach. The first paragraph may have already been proven wrong but Ralph Wilson still sucks so I am leaving the intro unchanged. Thank goodness it didn't actually happen this way....
The Outlander As this post was written this morning, you will be able to distinctly tell when in the course of writing it, the Bills head coach became the Bills former head coach. The first paragraph may have already been proven wrong but Ralph Wilson still sucks so I am leaving the intro unchanged. Thank goodness it didn't actually happen this way.... While the national media continues to make mistakes by assuming the Buffalo Bills are run like a professional franchise and #BerlsMafia start making their travel plans to New York City for Super Bowl XLVIII, I’m bringing you part two of my college football bowl “preview.” Trust me, this is much more palatable than digesting the fact that as less inept coaches are getting the ax, we likely have to wait for Chan and Buddy to take a carriage ride to suburban Detroit and throw themselves at the feet of Ralph Wilson like they’re fucking Catherine of Aragon begging for acceptance from their pathetic master. Because three seasons of futility aren’t enough and Ralph’s galaxy sized ego needs to look them in the eye and pass judgment upon his subjects only after seeing them tremble before him first. I hate this decrepit fool, this conniving snake oil salesman from the Mr. Burns school of the cartoonishly evil, feebly attempting to protect both his assets and his image while failing at both. He’s a villain from a Dickens novel, not a fucking hall-of-famer, but I digress. There’s four bowls this New Year’s Eve so I’m going to jump right into the games so this post can go up before they start. Also, I feel New Year’s Eve should be a day off in most offices. After all, those who took holiday vacations shouldn’t have to rush back or use a day off, and everyone’s looking ahead to filling their gullet with shrimp and champagne and spending the entire next day nursing a hangover. For The Outlander, I’m bypassing the usual house party for Hibachi and Elmwood. This is a delicate dance; I’m used to kissing the year goodbye by getting blacked out in front of friends, not complete strangers but I feel there will be enough fighting bros and crying drunk girls to make me less concerned about myself. On to the games!
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The Barrister
And they DID. Not much of anything good to say about the season, but man does this still put a huge smile on my face. Someone break out the champagne! - we have some cathartic, remaining casually apathetic celebrating to do! This probably changes nothing in the long run - Ralph "Odious Taint" Wilson, Jr. remains the owner of our Buffalo Bills - but it feels great to revel in the end of the Chan Gailey era at One Bills Drive. May the wind be ever at your back, dear Chan, and your tendency to over-use your goats and under-use your stars ever keep you out of the ranks of NFL coaches for the rest of your days. The Outlander With the Bills lease finally signed and the team likely here in Orchard Park for at least the next six years, subject to a penalty nearing half a billion dollars if they decide to leave beforehand, I feel it is time for us to acknowledge something the Bills have gotten right… … … ... …
… … Did you actually think I was going to come out of my exile to talk about the lease? Fuck that noise. Christ, with the NHL CBA there’s enough idiocy taking place in my sports world between douchebags in suits, and there’s no need to address what local politicians and taints like Russ Brandon will present to the public as some wonderful holiday gift. First off, if the NHL didn’t have its head so far up its ass, we would have forgotten about the Bills a month ago. The powers that be have just enough idiots yammering in their ear how important the Bills are to this community when as I’ve said, they’ve become nothing but a weight dragging our region’s resurgence down. Did anyone think they were going to move in May? No. So don’t present the certification of that fact like you’re signing the fucking START treaty. Now look, I’ve gone and broken my promise and talked about the lease. One of the better things of the next few weeks is that if you randomly turn your television to ESPN, there is a high probability of you catching a football game. Football that doesn’t involve the Bills is the best. I watched Old Dominion and Georgia Southern in the FCS playoffs a couple weeks ago and loved it. I kept watching this kid from ODU make throws that Ryan Fitzpatrick couldn’t make throwing against air. Fitz sucks at football, but he makes watching other people play football immensely more enjoyable. So for what’s left of 2012, I steer you towards the slate of annual bowl games with stupid sponsors, played in half-full stadiums. Also, I know very little about these teams and my insight will likely have nothing to do with players or predictions. Part two will come next week, and I’m also not addressing the national championship until we’re closer to game time (hint, both teams should be set adrift from the Greenland ice Sheet). Read on at your own peril. The Scizz I don't know about all of you, but I'm simply having a wonderful Christmas time! Tomorrow I start a lovely 11 days away from work that will be absolutely glorious. Since I'm in such a great mood, I've decided that I would pass on some holiday cheer to our dear reader(s?). As you surely know, receiving gifts is a fantastic part of the holiday season, but nothing really compares to spreading joy and the feeling you get when you give that perfect gift. So today, instead of another painstaking Bills preview, I've decided to share with everybody my gift-giving list this year. Somebody has to make your life more interesting, right? Insecure, Low rent Deadspin to the rescue! ![]() To my dear old friend, Mike Harrington: Night vision goggles, new tinted windows for the van, Misogyny for Dummies handbook, and a gift card to Super Cuts. ![]() To the official Buffalo Bills twitter handler: A bottle of scotch, an application for the New England Patriots social media department, and a "I would NOT want that job" face. ![]() To Jerry Sullivan: A mini-fridge. Maybe if Jerry knew how awesome a mini-fridge at the work place is, he'd lighten up and stop mailing it in on a weekly basis. If not, a book of stamps for said mailing it in. ![]() To Jay McKee: A book of non-gay insult jokes, Ultimate Fighter Season 2 on blu-ray, and a brony t-shirt. ![]() To C.J. Spiller: A new team. Demand a trade. Hold out for obscene money. Just go somewhere else where you will be used properly and have an MVP season. As long as Tweedle-Old and Tweedle-Older are around, you'll be wasted. ![]() To the Buffalo Bills front office and coaching staff: A lovely holiday party cruise with top-shelf open-bar, 5-star catering, and no life boats as it heads over Niagara Falls. ![]() Ralph Wilson Jr. circa 1972 To Ralph Wilson Jr.: A silver cross, some garlic, and stake through the heart you blood-sucking piece of shit. (Watch him live another seven years, just in time for the relocation fee to be waived #becauseitsbuffalo) ![]() To the intelligent Bills Mafia members (they do exist!): A different nickname. I know you do a lot of great things for charity, but go back to Bills Nation or anything for that matter. Or I'll even give Bills Legal non-profit organization if you want it, just try to avoid a name of a group that is associated with exploiting minorities, murdering thousands of people, and creating Atlantic City. ![]() To the other Bills Mafia members (those who compared Fitzpatrick to Jim Kelly, still defend Chan Gailey, brag about getting Dm's from players, or have Bills tattoos): Your gift is Mark Sanchez or Tim Tebow. Let's see you spin this one, you neanderthals. ![]() To the NHL: This giant dump I just took because that is what you have become. ![]() To Matt Ellis: A request to remove the restraining order so that we can finally be together. Don't lock ME out, Matty. ![]() To Jeremy White: A sincere thank you for appearing on our shitty, little podcast. You have been doing a great job, now please take a 20% pay-cut, slash your benefits, and just suck it up and accept it. ![]() To Joe from Buffalo Wins: A Strip Club of the month membership, a dictionary, and a niche. ![]() This seems about right give or take 40 lbs. To my new pal, Mike Straw: He went out and BOUGHT my original gift for himself; A snazzy new Buff State hat! So now I'm going to get him a new benchmark for "making it" since apparently being made fun of by us was his original goal. I mean we are all very successful and handsome, but he can do better! I'm going with "learn the definition of irony". ![]() To the city of Buffalo: With a new ten year lease for the Buffalo Bills and an added $400 million relocation fee, I'd like to give you a sadness hug. Just take a shower first you dirty fuck. ![]() To the DGWU Sports house band, The Jambrones: T-shirts from the first batch of the #becauseitsbuffalo clothing line and the Barrister singing background vocals on your next song. ![]() To Paul Hamilton: A new salt water tank with below zero temperatures so he can feel at home. And of course I cannot forget my colleagues here at DGWU Sports: To the Yachtsman: A book of big word British insults to continue making the rest of us feel inferior. To the Apologist: The NBA league pass so it hopefully inspires him to start consistently writing again. To the Outlander: A shiny new lawyering job in NYC so he can get drunk with us more often. To the Continental: A plug for how amazing her #BuffaloFestivus tweets were last night and a Jim Boeheim inspirational poster. To the Barrister: A new bow-tie for my wedding and a separate twitter handle for his political tweets. (I just registered @DubslovesWeiner) To myself: Therapy for my ragestorms, a sober January, and a Knicks collapse by early February so I can stop getting my hopes up. The Scizz
Why the hell would I choose to write about the Buffalo Bills on a Tuesday morning? Especially after they got embarrassed last week in Toronto. Especially when it happens to be just a basic "news report" that DGWU generally stays away from. And especially when I could be writing about something awesome like the New York Knicks or this awesome breakfast burrito I just put away. Well, the answer is simple. Despite how disgustingly awful this franchise has been this season (and the twelve before), I really like the offensive line for the first time in a decade. Top to bottom this is the one facet of the roster that has finally become what I hoped it would become. You can even listen to me get hopelessly excited about them back after week 3. For years, the Yachysman and I lamented about the old days of dominant 90's Bills O-lines and criticized the front office for ignoring these positions in free agency and the draft. But now, I think this is one positive to take into next year. Scizz being positive? Am I on crack? I could be. My coffee WAS really strong this morning. Or maybe this is just to rub it in all of our faces even more so that this team finally has a great offensive line and an all-pro running back to match, yet with this an inept Head Coach, shitty quarterback, and senile owner, it will still never amount to anything. /jumps in East River I like Kraig Urbik. If I hadn't stopped purchasing Bills merchandise five years ago, this is the the type of odd jersey purchase I'd make. He plays hard, opens monster holes in the running game, and you rarely here his name during games, which is usually a solid way of knowing an offensive lineman is actually doing his job. He also can seamlessly shift to Center if need be, which of course with Eric Wood's injury history thus far, will most likely be needed often. He's still fairly young at 27 and he has been surrounded by other talented young linemen; Before his injury Cordy Glenn looked like an absolute beast at left tackle, and with a few more years could be straight up dominant. On the other end Erik Pears surprised many fans, including myself for doing a great job....also before injuries, and back-up Chris Hairston is probably better than a lot of starting right tackles in the league. Of course the Bills need to lock up Andy Levitre this off-season to keep the core together, and Eric Wood has to stop having gruesome injuries before his leg falls off, but overall this is something this team can work with. I don't dare give coaching any credit to this staff, but maybe Joe D'Alessandris is worth keeping around. Hell, even nobodies like Sam Young and David Snow have looked decent in the run game when filling in. (Sidenote: Sam Young & David Snow were definitely a 70's R&B duo, right?) Anyways, I know I've already said I'm over this team, and god forbid will I let them get my hopes up again, but for some reason I feel positive today and I like the Bills offensive line. Sue me. Feel free to mention that the pass protection is still not even close to what it should be, but then again, this line has barely played every game together this season. Oh look! Conditioning is an issue with a Buffalo sports team again! There you are negativity! I've missed you so. @TheScizz The Scizz (& friends!)
I'm about to flip the switch on y'all this week. No Super Troopers. Its too happy. After last week's embarrassing loss to the Rams, and another failure of a Buffalo Bills season almost in the books, I took to Twitter to see how my fellow Bills fans were reacting. There was heartbreak, confusion, indifference, acceptance, and everyone's favorite, pure unadulterated rage. If you're like me, you probably have experienced all of these emotions at least once throughout this dismal season This week I endured a new one....exhaustion. The Bills have exhausted me. They have left me tired and bewildered, and these "scars" keep getting worse season after season. By 5pm on Sunday I knew that there was no way in Hell I could write my normal Bills preview for the upcoming week, so I decided to reach out to some twitter friends and readers to help me voice some opinions on this franchise that we are supposed to love with all of our heart. First up, @Bleez17 from twitter, who actually inspired me to make this a community project, and provided the amazing quote from Dark Knight that lends itself to this post. I can not take credit for that brilliance. Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane.
The Bills are still a football team, which really bums me out. Fortunately I had Boner Shorts Day to look forward to this week and it was a great time. The next day at work? Not so much. As promised, here is my answer to last week's question: "what's the worst thing someone has overheard you say." To preface this, my 11th grade history teacher was a total cockbag. He graduated from the school he teaches at, he was popular then, and then in his mid 30's he was still trying to relive his glory days. He loved making us listen to him talk, mostly inane anecdotes he repeated often. I think it was about the third time he launched into his "trip to Paris" story when he paused for dramatic effect and I leaned over to my friend/seatmate and said "Congratulations." Problem: I said this in my normal speaking voice, not a whisper, cue class laughter. Mr. Cockbag decides that this is a good place to lecture me for my sarcasm and cynicism The joke was on him because he used both of those words incorrectly. I knew he was pissy, so I didn't correct him so I wouldn't get detention. Epilogue: he goes to my church and the one time a year I see him he never speaks to me or my family, though we sit two pews away. Assclown. The Scizz
A meaningless Bills game in December?? That means Christmas is almost here!!!!! Last week our beloved (in September - November) Buffalo Bills took it to the even more-so dysfunctional Jacksonville Jaguars in front of a crowd of 147 at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Seriously, my Albanian friend Tom's wedding to a Lebanese girl had more people at it (also, a belly dancer, but that's a conversation for different day). The Bills played well in almost every facet of the game, and I had a pretty nice time drinking a few beers and watching it without a care in the world. Until, of course as I mentioned last week, when I realized the win just pushes them further towards mediocrity and the 15th pick overall. Ugh, why can't they just "Billose" and let me get on with my life? (I just copyrighted that so back the fuck off.) I think the Continental handled that question well in her mailbag yesterday, but honestly I still don't know what to do anymore. Just like Office Mac explaining his second rendezvous with crabs, we've been here before haven't we? I sort of care about the games, but when all my non-Buffalo friends have teams with solid playoff aspirations, it just stings too much to still be that die-hard fan that mouth-breathers with Bills tattoos think you should be. The Bills are not fuckin' Rudy here folks, they're Giovanni Ribisi in The Other Sister; trying to take pride in what they do but failing miserably at it while making the people watching feel uncomfortable. I'm keeping it short this week because I literally have an hour to knock this out and I probably won't edit it either. Join me on this illiterate journey, won't you? Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane.
The Continental Alright, I'm just going to come out and say it. If the lockout ends this week it was absolutely due to CrapTastiCast 38 with Jeremy White. Because yeah, that was a thing that totally happened in my life. But really I kind of don't care about the NHL happenings because guess what the fuck is happening December 21, 2012: ZUBAZ NIGHT ... that's right! The Rochester Americans are doing $30 tickets PLUS your own pair of Zubaz. What a bargain So yeah, catch me there. I might have to wear these around Williamsburg and Soho every weekend to see if someone takes my picture for their Street Style Blog.
The Barrister
I am making a pact to not spend more than twenty minutes on putting this quick ragestorm of a post together because, honestly, the Buffalo Bills can go die in a fire for all I care. (Not really please don't move the team I love them inexplicably oh God) This morning, our 5-7 Buffalo Bills were given a gift. Russel Salvatore, WNY Meat King, agreed to purchase all remaining tickets for the Bills' remaining home games. Apparently, after just one blackout this season, Bills fans are getting bailed out of having to find illegal streams online or listen on the radio or ignore altogether, and the Bills are being bailed out of an ongoing PR nightmare - having to answer questions about ticket sales and TV blackouts without discussing, too much, the underachieving and disappointing team of elephants in the room. Everybody wins! Except, of course, on most weeks, the Buffalo Bills. Let me preface my anger on this point by expressing good feelings for Mr. Salvatore, though his good deed does little to impact my life living outside of WNY's blackout zone. And, to the extent that these extra tickets are given away and a few thousand people that otherwise would have stayed home make it to the game, I have no gripe. Nevertheless, the fact that this even has to be done is, and should be, an embarrassment. Yet, those Buffalo Bills are apparently the poorly wrapped and overpriced gift that keeps on giving. |
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