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"You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood!" - Bills/Ravens - Week 4

9/28/2013

The Barrister

Good old Scizz has called in "pissed at this fucking team and pretty burnt out by life" this week so I'm handling this. Oh joy of joys, the task of previewing a game the Bills are sure to lose the week after they got worked by a pretty mediocre Jets team and made my eyes bleed live and in stunning technicolor.

Putting predictable letdowns at fucking MetLife Stadium aside, and before I go on to the hastily put together bullet points and hapless soundtrack recommendations, it must be mentioned that Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is a fucking masterpiece. Stoner movie stereotypes aside - and, let's be real, if you can't enjoy a good "oh man I'm so high" joke, get over yourself narc - man, that flick is genius. This film was my beloved companion during the year after college when I was selling vacuum cleaners badly and substitute teaching pretty ok and accidentally nailing the LSATs getting into law school. Every time I watched it, I would be reminded around the 12th minute of all the hilarious, random moments yet to come and laugh my ass off at how chock full of beauty the movie is. As for the big picture impact, this is the movie that sparked Neil Patrick Harris's return to show biz (sort of made up fact?), so everyone should love it always since now we get NPH hosting awards shows and doing dance bits and it's goddammed rad.

Back to the Bills!!!!!

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I think I have Kennel Cough and I'm dying.

9/26/2013

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Hey there gang, The Commander here...been a little while. I figured I’d stop playing GTA5 for a few minutes and drop some HOT SPORTS TAKES so that I don’t get fired. I think my SO brought Parvo home from school, so I’ve been downing DayQuil and Cold-EEZE like they were M&M’s. So I apologize in advance if this jumps around a lot, and it probably will. Think of this like me ripping off Bill Simmons or Larry King and just tossing some random shit out there. I’ve got a Sabres preview for you next week, and a few other things I’ve been working on for the NHL season, so stay tuned for that.

I’m primarily a hockey guy, so I’ve been hibernating for the summer, watching my lawn die because it hasn’t rained near me since April or something. Having a lawn in California is surprisingly rare. Most of the houses on our street have rock gardens and shit. I completely understand why now. One day I’m going to flick a cigarette butt somewhere and burn down about 15 homes.

My bad...

I hope everyone’s enjoying the EJ Manuel experience so far. I’m holding off judgment on him as a player because Nate Hackett calls an offense like a 15 year old calls a game of Madden. The fact that there’s so little play action and there seems to be two total running plays in the playbook makes me think they aren’t doing all they can to make him successful. The tools are there for sure though. At the very least, I don’t get the “OH FUCK NOOOOOOOOO!” feeling whenever he drops back to pass, which in terms of Bills quarterbacks is a massive improvement. The poor kid isn’t even going to be able to take a piss without having 50 armchair assholes critiquing it, so sit back and hope for the best.

One thing you don’t realize when you’re finally taking that big step and moving in with your SO, if they get sick you are absolutely fucking doomed. You’re going to get sick too. You share fucking everything…plates, cups, beds, furniture. Even if you pretend cooties still exist and girls are icky like you’re back in 3rd grade, you are absolutely going to catch whatever it is they have. My head hit the pillow the first day she was sick cursing her entire family and everything she stands for.

What are people going to do when they realize Zemgus Girgensons is European?? Are heads going to explode like that Scanners scene?

This is so Larry King so far that there should be an ad for Welch’s Grape Juice in it. I almost hate myself.

This is the dude who runs the Sabres social media footprint. Really explains everything about that organization doesn’t it?? I’m sure he’s a nice guy. I stopped following him on Twitter because he was Tweeting love letters at Sarah Palin. That photograph haunts my dreams. I’m sure it was taken after bodies were buried in the woods behind him. He has a very "I own Old Navy Fleece's in ALL THE FUCKING DIFFERENT COLORS BABY, YOLO!!!" feel about him.

Also he sucks at his job.

Did you guys know that Steve Ott is a bad hockey player?? Good hitter, good on faceoffs – sure. Positionally the guy is a fucking train-wreck. He leaves his guy to take stupid runs at people constantly. Also he had the worst possession numbers for a forward in the NHL last year. Oh and he takes dumb penalties too. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD DON’T YOU DARE PUT THE “C” ON THIS FUCKSTICK’S CHEST RON.

I’d buy everyone on the Bills a mini-fridge and some time at the shooting range if they were all as good as Mario Williams is. Don’t listen to the racist media shitdicks who have an agenda to push…watch how many times a game the dude is blatantly held or double teamed because HE’S THAT FUCKING GOOD.

Do yourself a favor and DO NOT drop $60 on EA’s latest NHL effort. I buy the thing every year. I make up reasons to love it every year. I fanboy for the fucking game every year. So for me to say this, there’s REALLY gotta be some shit wrong with it. Basically, only about 30% of my online games even get a connection, and when they do it’s a coin flip to see if the connection lasts for 3 periods. Also, if you use one of the features in the game (custom soundtracks), it locks up your entire Xbox. Excellent work EA. It’s not even a $60 roster update because the rosters are from before free agency.

Do yourself a favor and ABSOLUTELY drop $60 on Grand Theft Auto V. The story is fantastic, the game is beautiful, the missions are fun and the characters are well written. I’ve gotten my $60 out of it already, and oh by the way they’re adding online multi-player on October 1st. That’s right, you can get a group of friends and rob banks, people, hookers and all kinds of shit. $60 is going to seem like a bargain by Xmas.

When you’re reading about all this FIGHTING IS BAD IN THE NHL AND BAN FIGHTING BECAUSE HEAD INJURIES, you should know that a long time ago fighting in the NHL was cool and served a purpose. This was before the 2006 Playoffs so many people probably aren’t aware of it. John Scott has a role on this team, and I’ll get into that more in my preview.

You should be excited about the long-term prospects of the Sabres. These kids who are coming up are legit and this team will be good again sooner rather than later. Even if Grigorenko busts out like many already think he has (because you’re stupid) – there’s plenty to like about the core of this team 3 years from now.

And mostly because Lindy Ruff isn’t around to fuck it up.

- You can follow me on Twitter at @essbeeay

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"The stories leaked, it's out there, we're doing this. It's going to be fine. They're lighting him from outside the window." -Outlander's week 5 College Football Preview

9/26/2013

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potentially unrelated

The Outlander

If there was any week for me to skip a college football post, last week was the right one. There may have been a couple of games worth watching and Boise St-Fresno St was as fun a game as we've seen this year but otherwise it was as barren a slate of games as we've seen thus far. In other words it was the right weekend to fall into a drunken netflix wormhole until six am on the morning you were planning on posting, or to attend a Saturday wedding instead of being stuck watching games out of sheer boredom. Luckily, not only is this week not a repeat of that, it could arguably be the best slate of games this season. While you're all enjoying the action, I'll be tailgating at the UB game with a few friends, my stepdad and a few of his fellow buddies from their college days. I haven't been to a UB game in approximately fifteen years but after watching their instant classic against Stony Brook, I intend to tailgate this in a similar manner to Bills games- get hammered in order to make the sport taking place on the field (football in name only) more palatable. My agreement to go to this game simply shows that us at the Deeg will indeed tailgate anything, and if you're for some reason attending this grudge match against UConn, let's have beers.

Also, after forcing oneself to sit through last week's Bills game, I cannot urge tuning into college football on Saturdays enough. It really is remarkable to see what the sport is supposed to look like sometimes.

Now onto the games.

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"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." - Bills/Jets - Week 3

9/21/2013

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During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....

The Scizz

Well that was silly, wasn't it? I sat here in front of the keyboard for a solid 15 minutes before I knew what to say first. After thinking about it I figured I would just share this picture:

That picture was taken just seconds after E.J. Manuel hit Stevie Johnson for the game-winning score. From Left to right standing is Joe from BuffaloWins.com, the Apologist, his brother Drew, & the Barrister. The schmuck sitting in front of them is me.

Let me preface this by saying that a minute later I was up and dancing with the rest of the fools, but in that moment....I couldn't cheer. I couldn't yell, I couldn't jump up and down, I couldn't fist pump like my lovely Jersey wife was surely doing. In that moment I was frozen. I never planned on just sitting there after the big play, in fact moments before I was bracing myself with a hand on Barrister's shoulder ready to react to either heartbreak or football ecstasy. Yet, when it all went down I couldn't move. I was frozen and just kind of sat there in disbelief, taking in the moment. I barely moved for about 30 seconds, simply soaking in this moment where E.J. Manuel became our hero. Right after I tweeted that this was the moment for E.J. to make us love him....he did. And the reaction of the crowd was nothing short of spectacular. Just youtube McFadden's/Bills/Panthers and watch the numerous videos (many of which with me, dancing like an asshole). Yeah, Ryan Fitzpatrick and J.P. Losman had some great last second wins, but something about this felt different.

Am I going to get over excited and start yelling playoffs?? Fuck to the no. This is STILL the Buffalo Bills after all. But....BUT....seeing this team march down the field like that, penalty or not, and snag victory was something I can hold onto this season no matter what comes next. Go Bills.

Now onto to the Jets. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck the Jets. As it says in the title, I fart in the general direction of the Jets and their fans. With the exception of maybe a handful of semi-normal friends who happen to enjoy wearing that vomit/snot colored jersey, I loathe everything about the Jets. So much so, that on Sunday, while I will be tailgating my ass off with DGWU Sports & friends, I won't be staying for the game. At 3ish I'll be high-tailing back to the comfort of my downstairs bar to watch the game in peace, away from that hell-hole and the demonic fans that inhabit it. Last year was the last straw for me. When some Jets fans started berating an elderly Bills couple, and Yachtsman tried to interfere, not physically mind you, security rushed over and tried to throw HIM out. What followed was one of the greatest moments in drunken lawyering ever witnessed. The Barrister absolutely hypnotized the security guards, yelling at them about how liable they will be for kicking out fans, who by all means were just helping an old couple being abused by the local fans. Security basically said "watch yourself" and walked away. The man was hammered and he didn't reason with them, he belittled them and we still got to stay. Amazing.

(Barrister here: I remember this going down a very different way, but hey, beers)

I should also mention (humblebrag approaching) that another reason I'm not staying for the game is the fact I'll be running 13.1 miles that morning in the Newport half marathon in Jersey City. I'll then be going straight to the tailgate after a quick shower, so I'm not exactly sure how my body is going to respond. Probably terribly, hence another reason to be close to home after ripping fireball shots for three straight hours. But if you happen to live near JC, come out and watch me rock my #SupportSally shirt during the race. Store716 was gracious enough to print a running shirt for me with the logo.

But yeah anyways, fuck the Jets and onto the lists:

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Superheroes and Birthday Gifts and Wagons Circling - A Fun But Still Terrible Week 2 Bills/Pathers Recap

9/16/2013

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HUGS!!!!

The Barrister

I'm not sure if this is going to be easier or harder to writer than last week's Bills/Pats post-mortem, but it's going to be a lot more fun that's for fucking sure.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?? WHAT DID WE JUST WATCH?

Shit was pissing in your pants enjoyable, folks. From the defense to the special teams to the offense finally putting it together, sort of?, to the epic minute-thirty-eight-with-no-timeouts-and-don't-bother-spiking-the-ball-because-EJ-has-this-on-lock-bitches-march-down-the-field, this one was a goddamned JOY.

Sure a critical mass of us started watching the game with an air of disgust and disappointment as the Bills seemed to be pissing a game away. Again. But that's what made it great. The way the team has suddenly convinced us to love them again, not 10 minutes after we loathed them with the fire of a decade plus. Or as Scizz put it after spending more than 80% of the game mumbling about how much he fucking hates this team...

Here it is EJ. Make us love you.
— Scizzy Scizzdemeanor (@TheScizz) September 15, 2013

And EJ did. And now, most assuredly, we do. The recap continues....

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"We are not gonna quit. We are gonna survive this." - Panthers/Bills - Week 2

9/14/2013

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The Scizz

That's right. I used a quote from The Road. One of the most depressing films (and book, for all y'all uneducated mofo's out there) of all time. And why not? The Buffalo Bills are normally as depressing as humanly possible. This franchise has sent me into roller coasters of emotion like nothing else in my life....except when Hoboken was supposed to get a Trader Joe's and it was a G-Damn lie from a management company to get people to buy condos near by. Those bastards should be shot out of a cannon into that giant floating pile of garbage in the Pacific Ocean and forced to eat each other one by one as they die. Ok, that might be extreme, but the lesson? Don't screw with my emotions, BILLS!

But of course. that's exactly what they did to me with week one. Buffalo actually looked....[takes deep breath]....[sighs]....kinda decent. And there it is. A game with very low expectations that they just barely lost, leaving me in neutral. Do I get excited about some of the potential I saw? Do I say fuck it they didn't win and that's all that matters in the end game? I'm leaning towards the latter, but either way we're gonna survive this together, guys. Against the belief of many maniacal twibbon jerk-offs on Twitter, just because you lower expectations or refuse to get sucked into unfounded high hopes, that doesn't mean you "quit" on your team. It means you use your fucking brain and realize Bryan Scott was never any good at football.

Let's start with the positive anyways, shall we?

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You're All Worthless and Weak! - Your Week 3 College Football Preview

9/12/2013

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The Outlander

These college football previews are pretty much the one concentration at the deeg that keeps me sane. This past week began with the usual autopsy of another cockpunch from the Bills against New England with the general consensus being this one was much better because the cast was different. Then there was the realization that the first Bills blackout wouldn’t come in week ten but week two because I don’t know, you all love redzone too much? Now Sabres camp has started and I’m reminded that the Civil War in the fanbase makes Syria look capable of conflict mediation. Aside from the USA win in Columbus on Tuesday and the fact that my baseball team is currently going gangbusters on hapless assholes in the American League, it’s the usual September nonsense, albeit nonsense subject to change.

That’s what makes college football so enjoyable. Whether you have a favorite team or not, whether that team is the alma mater of yourself, a loved one or no one, the disassociation to the rest of our teams only helps our enjoyment of it. Not to mention the faster play and lack of soul-sucking television timeouts and extended replay breaks give the games a greater flow. Hell, for what it’s worth I certainly don’t encounter such confusion and idiocy in deciding what a catch means in the college game, which is good for something.

While I didn’t get to post last week for family reasons, I did get to watch some games, namely the Penn State victory and the Michigan- Notre Dame game, so long as drinking heavily with Scizz, JoeBuffaloWins and Jambrones while Yachtsman screams at the television counts as watching. Heading into this week I am assuming the entire discussion of the slate of games will center around one game since the media is generally unable to focus on more than one thing at a time, so my goal is to remind you all that there are many games this week for us to enjoy.

Let's do this

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Dude, I Just Sharted. Now Let's Go. - A Terrible Week 1 Bills/Pats Recap

9/9/2013

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The Barrister

That was... less than it could have been.

That's all I can manage to say about this team, except we all know that's not true because I'm about to ramble on for a thousand words or so and it's going to be great.

Not pictured: area over Marrone's head where he is currently residing.

In past years at the Deeg, Yachtsman took care of these recaps. They were fucking great. One of my favorites was when the Bills beat the Pats in 2011. It was a booze-fueled moment of jubilation.

This is not that post.

On to the recap of sadness!!!

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"I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! Let's do it!" - Patriots/Bills - Week 1

9/6/2013

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The Scizz

First and foremost, go here and buy a shirt for #SupportSally if you haven't already. In fact, even if you have go buy another one. The support we have seen from Buffalo and the blog/twitter/facebook universe has been incredible. Keep it up. On to the foosball.

Where do you even begin with this offseason? My mood towards this team has changed so many times I can't even remember if I was excited after the draft or was certain of a 2 - 14 season. The good? The Bills are rid of the football herpes known as Chan Gailey & Buddy Nix. They hired young, motivated coaches in Doug Marrone, Nate Hackett, and Mike Pettine. They confidently reached at the draft for a future QB1 in E.J. Manuel. The bad? Potential shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore is out 6-8 weeks for an already thin CB squad, Jarius Byrd appears to hate the idea of being anywhere near Buffalo, and although E.J. Manuel appears to be healthy, the QB situation over the last couple weeks looks like something out of shitty ABC family T.V. movie.

But you know what? I'm sitting on the Yachtsman's couch in Buffalo right now, we're going to the game Sunday, and dammit all football is back. So similar to what my fictional idol Peter Venkman says in a time of fear, uncertainty, and almost certain death, "I love this team! I'm excited to be a fan! Let's do it!"

After the jump I ramble some more

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The Casted Foot - Episode 3: United, We Slain

9/3/2013

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Barrister running solo this week but gets a special guest for the second segment mostly because he hates the sound of his own voice.

Liverpool's win over Manchester United is the topic of the day. A boy named Phil gets Barrister all excited, as if he needed any motivation.

Music from The Beastie Boys, Daft Punk and Kanye.

Download here or here. Stream below or subscribe via iTunes below or the handy dandy RSS feed here.

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"You don't need dir- gah! Hurry up, dudes, hurry up! I'm losing wood!" - Bills/Ravens - Week 4

I think I have Kennel Cough and I'm dying.

"The stories leaked, it's out there, we're doing this. It's going to be fine. They're lighting him from outside the window." -Outlander's week 5 College Football Preview

"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." - Bills/Jets - Week 3

Superheroes and Birthday Gifts and Wagons Circling - A Fun But Still Terrible Week 2 Bills/Pathers Recap

"We are not gonna quit. We are gonna survive this." - Panthers/Bills - Week 2

You're All Worthless and Weak! - Your Week 3 College Football Preview

Dude, I Just Sharted. Now Let's Go. - A Terrible Week 1 Bills/Pats Recap

"I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! Let's do it!" - Patriots/Bills - Week 1

The Casted Foot - Episode 3: United, We Slain

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