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"If I die, I will die well-dressed." - Week 11 - Bills at The Patriots of New England

11/23/2015

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The Barrister

Here we are. I dohwanna.

That said, the certainty of it all, a little less than twelve hours away from inevitable defeat and numbing heartbreak, may be the only bright side we have. Dare not hope because why fucking bother, right mom?

Existential crises put aside for a moment, I fucking hate the New England Patriots all the fucking same, and so do you. I hate their fans and their fans' stupid faces and their fans' stupid sense of superiority at having lucked into the best team in the modern NFL despite being a wretched collection of human beings that couldn't be bothered to show up for the better part of two decades when the team was trash with a side of cock chowdah. I hate all these godforsaken southern and central Mass accents and the fact that everyone comes from a town that makes you feel instantly stupider when you say it out loud. I hate their love of shitty Dunkin Donuts coffee and their claim to progressive social policies despite the fact that their sports teams were all basically governed under Jim Crow until Jimmy Carter was elected. I hate their interstate and their awful drivers and their stupid fucking bumper stickers and their insistence on showing up to MetLife for a Jets/Bills games shrouded in a jersey bearing the number of the biggest asshole who ever played the game so goddamn well. I hate how great this fucking team is and remains, against all odds, and how even when the NFL has them dead-to-rights on one thing or another, they skate by because the only law firm with more idiot lawyers than Paul Cambria's office is whoever the NFL hires to do their legal work. I hate how this fucking team and their fucking fans walk through football season like they own the place because - and this is what I hate the most - they fucking do. They've carved the Patriot Way out of a amalgamation of Boston Creme Donuts, liberal arts degrees, shitty beer, terrible grammar and poor personal hygiene, and the fact that it has happened to work is so fucking maddening I cannot stand it. It's not that they're trash or that they cheat (though they do enough) or that I think they're not that great. It's that THEY ARE THAT GREAT AND MORE.

​Fuck.

They're the team that makes me more fucking butthurt than any team in any sport, and here we are. 

​Again, I dohwanna.
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Oh, Bills, yeah I have your number right here. I've had it for well over a decade, yeah.
THREE THINGS TO BE TERRIFIED OF:

1. Gronk. Obviously. 100%. The Bills have not had an answer for this guy ever. Edelman being out is largely irrelevant because we still have no answer for the primary weapon at Tommy's disposal. Gronk will score a million points and I will smoke a million weed, wait what?

2. A Quasi-Theocratic Hyper-Nationalist State under Donald Trump. This scares me way more than the Patriots so I figure it's best to confront this one head on. TERRIFYING, fam.

3. Dying alone. Think about it. 


THREE THINGS TO ACCEPT WITH OPEN, LOVING ARMS:

1. That new Missy Elliot video. Shit is fire. There are a lot of hip hop acts from my younger years getting a reboot these days and that's a fantastic thing. Missy, Black Star, Tribe was just on Fallon. 19 year old me is fat, an idiot, and also high as shit right now, but also pretty pumped. 

2. Family. Christ, y'all. It's Thanksgiving this week. That's insane and also pretty rad. Drink some whiskey, eat some fowl and some pies, and maybe try to convince your mom to smoke a joint with you. Don't think too much about the Bills. 

3. On the off-chance that the Bills win, well, we'll all feel better than we have in months. Don't worry that this is sad and extremely pathetic. Roll with it. Just don't get too blue if the result goes as it's likely to go ... lotta season left for the Bills to build us back up and then lose in Week 17, missing out on the Wild Card on a tiebreaker. Talk about silver linings.  


DRINK OF THE WEEK:
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This ish just won Whisky of the Year in the Whisky Bible's ranking and I intend to find and drink a considerable amount of it between Thursday and Sunday morning. Good job, Canada. Your whisky is tasty AF and so is your new Prime Minister. Me-ow. 


Apropos of Nothing:

If the Patriots were a social movement they'd be Men's Rights Activists. You can print that.

— Dubs (@theycallmedubs) November 23, 2015
My Prediction:

Pats 46, Bills 17. 


This is not going to be pretty, so least we can do is have a nice little evening with a hoppy beer or six at our side, a dutch rolled for halftime sadz, and knowledge that it'll all be over soon at the ready. 

Go Bills.
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"This is the capital of the world! The culture, the... UGH!... He just spit in my mouth!" - Week 10 - The Jets of New York

11/12/2015

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The Apologist

​Any scenario involving the Bills breaking their 15 year playoff drought begins tonight with a win in East Rutherford, New Jersey. This will be a homecoming for Rex Ryan and the biggest test of his progression thus far as head coach. The stakes couldn't be any higher facing off against his former team. A victory puts the Bills at 5-4 and gives them an edge in a potential tiebreaking scenario that could be a huge factor when they face the Jets again in Week 17. A loss does the opposite and forces Buffalo to win at least 5 of their last 7 games to keep even a mathematical hope alive for the playoffs. Not to mention it would be a blow to the psyche of a coach and team that has yet to find consistency 10 weeks into this season.

While last week's game against the Dolphins was enjoyable, it didn't exactly leave anyone brimming with confidence. The offense put together their best game of the season, but the defense allowed Ryan Tannehill (who botched a snap for a safety for the second straight week) to throw over 300 yards while also giving up 100 yards on the ground. Lord knows we'll take a win every way we can get it, but the team faces much stiffer competition this week against the New York Jets. Their running game has been lacking lately, but Ryan Fitzpatrick is arguably a better quarterback than Tannehill and Brandon Marshall is indisputably one of the best wide receivers the Bills will face this season. If the defense continues to give quarterbacks enough time to read a book and find an open man, there is no season-scenario involving a trip to the playoffs.

Of course, none of the above is what anyone's talking about this week. All anyone can talk about is Rex Ryan. And that is totally by his design. While fans of any team he coaches for will have to put up with bad flags and questionable strategies, we don't lack for entertainment along the way. This week has been no different. From wearing a Clemson helmet to a Q&A to naming IK"Oed Geno's Jaw" Enemkpali a captain, Rex is doing everything in his power to take the weight of this game and put it all on himself. And that's exactly why guys like playing for him. The players know if they win, he'll let them steal the headlines for the rest of this week. If they lose, he'll keep all of the blame on his shoulders. It might not always be effective, but at least it's fun.
​

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FUCK YOU, DOLPHIIIIIN! - Week 9 - The Dolphins of Miami

11/6/2015

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The Apologist

Remember when this was supposed to be the breakthrough year for Joe Philbin & the Dolphins? Or how confident we were about our chances of making the playoffs? Oops. Seasons that once felt so promising for both teams are feeling far less so coming off the bye week.

I was asked to and failed to write a recap after that Jaguars game because… well… sometimes I don’t feel like extrapolating some buried meaning from a giant pile of shit. And really, how much could have possibly wanted to read about that mess? After that awful stench in the second quarter when the Bills surrendered 20 points in a matter of minutes, I’m fairly certain I wasn’t the only person thinking of different ways to spend my Sundays for the next couple months.

But of course, the Bills being the Bills, rather than letting me cut the Yahoo feed and be done with it, E.J. & Co. rattled off 21 unanswered points, the defense grabbed a pick-6 to take the lead, and suddenly the postseason was back on!

For about 1 minute until Blake (F*%$KING!) Bortles rammed the ball right down our defense’s throat. I don’t care if we got flagged for one bad call or twenty. If the Jaguars drive 84 yards on you, it’s not the ref’s fault, it’s yours.

So here we are. 3-4. Not good, but not out of it. And here come the god damn Dolphins. And they don’t even have the decency to still be as shitty as they were when we faced them in Week 3! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SUCK LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO!!

So, no playoff talk can be taken seriously unless we take care of business this Sunday at the Ralph.

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