The Yachtsman
No they motherfucking did not. OH YES THEY DID. SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
No they motherfucking did not. OH YES THEY DID. SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
Brian Moorman says "GET THE FUCK UP" Rian Lindell words were muffled by Moorman's crotch.
I'm trying to fight the urge to simply write "What now, bitches?" as my recap for this week. Goddammit I really want to.
"WHAT THE SHIT NOW!?!?! I AM A BESPECTACLED HILBILLY GENIUS!!!!"
No for serious though, what the shit happened this afternoon? Who are these crazy bastards wearing the coolest uniforms in the league and scoring points like it's a GD Madden game on easy!?!?!? IS CHAN RUNNING THE ONE BUTTON OFFENSE ON ROOKIE DIFFICULTY!?!?! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS.
SEMI-COHERENT OBSERVATIONS FROM THE MATCH
- Same old same old reared her ugly head around 2 PM today, with the Bills down 14-0 and Brady marching again. Of course, Brady threw a perfect strike to his Yao Ming-sized Polish American Eagle (OLD FIRST WARD REFERENCE) Tight End. I can't figure out if Gronkowski's big day was because Belichick wants to stick it to us hard because he's a local boy/traitor (no) or he's an All-Pro Tight End who will terrorize us for years to come (yes).
- What is with the second half adjustments? I have a weird theory on this. I feel like the Bills come out with that old gray cloud of losing over their heads, what with a week of built up expectations, play tight, get weird, get blown out, then go back into the lockerroom and realize they are the "Why So Serious" Gang, make outlandishly awesome adjustments, and come out and play like Montana's 49ers. ANALYSIS. SPORTS. I AM GOOD AT THIS.
- God that crowd look fucking PUMPED today. So many awesome shots of overserved Buffalonians finally having their day (literally) in the sun. After the Food Truck disaster, Byron Brown branding himself into oblivion, and the realization that Winter is coming (WINTERFEEEEELLLLL), Buffalonians near and far needed the shit out of this. SIDENOTE: JAZZED IS NOT A WORD TO USE WHEN DESCRIBING AWESOMENITUDE, EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET I LIKE TO READ. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING THIS WORD, IT REMINDS ME OF THIS:
SEMI-COHERENT OBSERVATIONS FROM THE MATCH
- Same old same old reared her ugly head around 2 PM today, with the Bills down 14-0 and Brady marching again. Of course, Brady threw a perfect strike to his Yao Ming-sized Polish American Eagle (OLD FIRST WARD REFERENCE) Tight End. I can't figure out if Gronkowski's big day was because Belichick wants to stick it to us hard because he's a local boy/traitor (no) or he's an All-Pro Tight End who will terrorize us for years to come (yes).
- What is with the second half adjustments? I have a weird theory on this. I feel like the Bills come out with that old gray cloud of losing over their heads, what with a week of built up expectations, play tight, get weird, get blown out, then go back into the lockerroom and realize they are the "Why So Serious" Gang, make outlandishly awesome adjustments, and come out and play like Montana's 49ers. ANALYSIS. SPORTS. I AM GOOD AT THIS.
- God that crowd look fucking PUMPED today. So many awesome shots of overserved Buffalonians finally having their day (literally) in the sun. After the Food Truck disaster, Byron Brown branding himself into oblivion, and the realization that Winter is coming (WINTERFEEEEELLLLL), Buffalonians near and far needed the shit out of this. SIDENOTE: JAZZED IS NOT A WORD TO USE WHEN DESCRIBING AWESOMENITUDE, EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET I LIKE TO READ. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING THIS WORD, IT REMINDS ME OF THIS:
Jazzercising.
THINGS I ENJOYED DURING THE PROCEEDINGS:
- Hello, my name is Fred Jackson, and I am the best running back in the league. Fast Frederick ran circles around Belichick's porous defense, and it was fucking GREAT. That slant over the middle from Wizard Beard on the Mayo blitz at the end of the game was something we haven't seen out of a Bills QB/RB combo since Kelly/Thurmanator. BACK WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND ZUBAZ PANTS WERE CONSIDERED FORMAL WEAR THROUGHOUT WESTERN NEW YORK. Look it up, those of you born in the post Cold-War world.
- Hello, my name is Fred Jackson, and I am the best running back in the league. Fast Frederick ran circles around Belichick's porous defense, and it was fucking GREAT. That slant over the middle from Wizard Beard on the Mayo blitz at the end of the game was something we haven't seen out of a Bills QB/RB combo since Kelly/Thurmanator. BACK WHEN MEN WERE MEN AND ZUBAZ PANTS WERE CONSIDERED FORMAL WEAR THROUGHOUT WESTERN NEW YORK. Look it up, those of you born in the post Cold-War world.
Is that Tom Ford!?!? No, it's famed Bills LB Shane Conlan. ALSO A FASHION ICON SO I CAN SEE WHY YOU WERE MISTAKEN.
- Ryan FitzBeard has that intangible every fired coach and washed up ex player on TV gets aroused by when being paid to analyze games for more money than I'll ever make in a lifetime: short term memory. Guy throws two picks, gets down by 3 TDs to insert-team-x-with-supposed-awesome-D-here and just goes out and plays like it's a fucking toss around with the slow kids taking a tour of the practice facility. SERIOUSLY WHAT SHELL SHOCKED BILLS QB OF THE LAST FIFTEEN YEARS WOULD THROW A SECOND HALF BOMB TO A WIDEOUT WHO DROPPED ELEVENTY BALLS IN THE FIRST HALF?!!? THE BEARD, THAT'S WHO. BECAUSE THE BEARD DOESN'T CARE. THE BEARD KNOWS THE LAW OF AVERAGES. BECAUSE THE BEARD WENT TO HAHV'D FAHCKIN YAHD.
"Hmmm. I feel like we need more beards, Chan."
- Bill Belichick is a fucking awesome coach. I hatelove him the most out of any football coach alive or dead. He has created a dynasty in New England by instilling a culture in a franchise that, excluding this decade, was as historically bad as the Bills. But what the hell was he doing at the end of the game? Originally I thought it was a brilliant mind game trying to delay the kick as much as possible, but then I realized he just lost organizational and schematic control towards the end. The burnt timeout? Ha! I can't believe it! We got the Hoodie to fuck up! Beauteous. (that word looks spelled wrong but it isn't. I lost a spelling bee final to a kid in 7th grade to that word and it still chaps my ass today. IT SHOULD BE BEAUTIOUS, WEBSTER. FUCK YOURSELF.)
- I love the George Wilson pick, because it was a total adjustment pick. Gronkowski was running the inside routes all day with tremendous success. Wilson realized Brady had only two guys he could trust with the game on the line, and he picked the right guy. By dragging on the route, he allowed his height to dictate the pick. Being a former wideout, it was like Brady teardropped the ball right into his hands. BEHIND THE BACK INTERCEPTIONS IN THE RED ZONE REQUIRE TECHNIQUE, POSITIONING, AND AN UNDERSTANDING OF FOOTBALL. ALL THINGS DONTE WHITNER NEITHER HAS NOR CAN SPELL.
- I love the George Wilson pick, because it was a total adjustment pick. Gronkowski was running the inside routes all day with tremendous success. Wilson realized Brady had only two guys he could trust with the game on the line, and he picked the right guy. By dragging on the route, he allowed his height to dictate the pick. Being a former wideout, it was like Brady teardropped the ball right into his hands. BEHIND THE BACK INTERCEPTIONS IN THE RED ZONE REQUIRE TECHNIQUE, POSITIONING, AND AN UNDERSTANDING OF FOOTBALL. ALL THINGS DONTE WHITNER NEITHER HAS NOR CAN SPELL.
i sense a Gladwellian algorithm here: your wins/playmakers/big plays will rise in proportion to the amount of players who have outlandish facial hair on your team. MATH.
THINGS THAT DISPLEASED ME DURING THE MATCH:
- Not one thing. We have a scrappy but awesome team making big plays at a time when big plays are needed. They play an exciting brand of football which has breathed life back into the hearts of Buffalo sports fans. We are a fanbase of people whom, for better or worse, tie a large proportion of their emotional well being to the fate of their franchises, and when they win everyone feels good. When they beat the Patriots after the worst streak since "O for the 70s" it feels motherfucking Euphoric with a capital E. This makes us all feel awesome.
- Not one thing. We have a scrappy but awesome team making big plays at a time when big plays are needed. They play an exciting brand of football which has breathed life back into the hearts of Buffalo sports fans. We are a fanbase of people whom, for better or worse, tie a large proportion of their emotional well being to the fate of their franchises, and when they win everyone feels good. When they beat the Patriots after the worst streak since "O for the 70s" it feels motherfucking Euphoric with a capital E. This makes us all feel awesome.
We're not there yet, but we're headed in the right direction.
AWESOME UPDATE REGARDING TOM THE CAT:
I'm pretty sure we found a home for Tom today. A girl who works with the Yachtswoman had a friend who was a big time animal lover (this is how these things usually go) and she graciously accepted Tom into her home on a trial basis. Before we got back to the house from walking Tom to the cab, she was texting us pictures of Tom exploring his newfound abode. FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS WORKS OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY, DEEGERS. Even though it is completely impossible to keep Tom, I will miss the little guy because he is an awesomely mellow cat who enjoys naps, food, and laying down...I TOO ENJOY FOOD, NAPS, AND LAYING DOWN..
I'm pretty sure we found a home for Tom today. A girl who works with the Yachtswoman had a friend who was a big time animal lover (this is how these things usually go) and she graciously accepted Tom into her home on a trial basis. Before we got back to the house from walking Tom to the cab, she was texting us pictures of Tom exploring his newfound abode. FINGERS CROSSED THAT THIS WORKS OUT FOR THE LITTLE GUY, DEEGERS. Even though it is completely impossible to keep Tom, I will miss the little guy because he is an awesomely mellow cat who enjoys naps, food, and laying down...I TOO ENJOY FOOD, NAPS, AND LAYING DOWN..
Tom & The Yachtsman, friends in laziness.
FINAL THOUGHT:
I still don't know what the shit happened today with that football squad. I seriously feel like I'm walking on a dream. WHICH LEADS ME TO A GREAT SEGUE INTO A HIPSTER JAM THAT WILL MAKE YOU PUT ON YOUR SKINNY JEANS AND YOUR CHECKERED KEDS/VANS AND DANCE THE JIG I WAS DANCING IN MY BUFFAKLYN BACKYARD WITH APS AND BARRISTER TODAY. DANCE THE SHIT OUT AND BRING ON THE BENGALS.
I still don't know what the shit happened today with that football squad. I seriously feel like I'm walking on a dream. WHICH LEADS ME TO A GREAT SEGUE INTO A HIPSTER JAM THAT WILL MAKE YOU PUT ON YOUR SKINNY JEANS AND YOUR CHECKERED KEDS/VANS AND DANCE THE JIG I WAS DANCING IN MY BUFFAKLYN BACKYARD WITH APS AND BARRISTER TODAY. DANCE THE SHIT OUT AND BRING ON THE BENGALS.
CREEPY VIDEO/AWESOME SONG.
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