The Continental

I figured before I start spouting off what will undoubtedly be regrettable and reprehensible advice, I should introduce myself.  I am The Continental, and I'm from a town smaller and shittier than yours in Western New York.  Why The Continental?  Well, because like the breakfast I'm not warm, and like the airline I have a spotty safety record and require intense negotiations before entering a merger.  That or I'm a degenerate creep, you decide.  Now I rep the 718, pretty much as well as any white girl can.

Since I'm a Bills and Sabres fan I am also quite adept at hating myself, which could also be one of the reasons everyone thinks I'm Jewish perhaps?  Who knows. But moving to New York has offered me so many more opportunities to sulk; Enter the Knicks, Mets, and St. John's basketball.  (PS. Fuck you Syracuse turncoat shit sippers.) Onto the questions!

"Who is your daddy and what does he do" -- @ScottyMCSS

Retired school teacher, athletic enthusiast, and steeply banked in that old man alcoholism of Western New York. Every summer he used to throw down so many cases of Genny Cream, it was incredible.  Now that he has retired, his pension money is going straight to Labatt Blue Lights. You know how LBL introduced the Labatt Blue Light Lime? Well, my father thought it was bullshit they were charging more for a case of LBLL than LBL, so what is a retired science teacher to do?  Experiment.  Now he buys LBL's and throws in lime juice, which of course took him a while to get the exact ratio right.  My mother, who's still with him is either a saint or has a prescription pill addiction.  (PS: make a better Arnold reference next time, I'm no scrub.)



"Now that I don't have 3 hrs a night paid to do nothing, when's the best time to do my scrapbooking?" -Matt Ellis aka -@SabresScratch

Scrapbooking is no longer trendy in the ladyverse.  It is too time consuming and you actually have to do something with your hands.  Pintrest.  Pintrest everything.  Bitches love Pintrest.  But to you Matt Ellis, I think Tumblr is definitely more your game.  Why?  Porn, lots of porn.  Porn everywhere.  Real porn, not just lady porn.  Lots of any kind of porn you want.  A solid 45% of my porn consumption comes from Tumblr.

"Dear Continental, why do the Bills suck and why are all women insane? I assume these can be answered similarly." -@fgif

The Bills are bad because life isn't fair and women are crazy because life isn't fair.  You need to work with what football gives you.  Get blackout drunk, puke on a Jets fan, and enjoy spending time with your friends, because at the end of the day football and related activities make life more fun until we die.  Most importantly it's a safe place where it's okay if you get black out drunk before 3:30pm.  But honestly, we're just waiting for the perfect season to come along so we're biding our time, right?

Women? You just need the correct calibration of crazy.  Is she crazy in bed?  Almost always good.  Is she crazy to your friends and family?  Eh, how crazy in bed is she?  Basically what I'm saying to women everywhere is be nasty in bed and men will overlook all the lady-shit we love and they hate (Bravo TV, Ru Paul television shows, leaf peeping, dinner parties.)  Not a straight up freak?  Try harder!  But this bartering system also works with Die Hard and Lethal Weapon movies, so sit there and keep your mouth shut and he will mostly do the same the next time you want to watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge. And again, significant others make life more palatable, more so than football, so we keep at it because we're just waiting for the perfect one for us to come along/come on.  WORD PLAY!


"Miss continental, every sports team has a player that all the husky gals LOVE. Who is that player on the Bills this year?" -@boner_shorts

The thing about husky gals, especially husky gals still in the 716 is they totally lack a sense of proportion.  Odds are they think they could land Stevie with their "Mizz Thang" g-string peeking over their too tight denim miniskirt at whatever bar on Chippewa is hosting DJ Anthony from KISS 98.5 these days. That or the husky gal wants to feel positively waiflike and would go for a mega husker like Kraig Urbik or Erik Pears.  I'm guessing these girls will only sleep with white boys, but this could just be residual bias from my backwater hick-town. 

And here's where I want to ask you degenerate creeps a question in what I will call:

"Are you there Deegers?  It's me The Continental."

Where do you loyal Deegers stand on sleeping with someone who has the same name as an immediate family member? 

Drop your offensive answers in the comments or e-mail/tweet me to be posted next week. Keep those questions coming!