Bucky Gleason is a Droning On and On Twat

The Commander

So hey there! I learned this morning that I’ve “graduated” from my trial period and will soon be getting my name on the little sidebar thing over there full time. I’d like to thank everyone for the opportunity, and I hope to do them proud until I graduate to Deadspin or Trending Buffalo!

I had no plans to write anything until at least the NHL Draft because I heard once you get a full time gig here, you don’t actually have to write, you just sorta hang out and make fun of people on Twitter. But then Bucky Gleason decided to regurgitate his annual GM For A Day column and I couldn’t resist busting into the old blogger standby and giving it the Fire Joe Morgan treatment. I also want you to know that after doing this, I clearly hate myself and I’m apologizing in advance for making you read part of a Bucky Gleason article.

Let's get on with it.

The biggest problem with being GM for a Day is that it only lasts 24 hours. Seriously, you want me to fix the Sabres in one day? Darcy Regier has created such a mess that it could take years to get this organization back into playoff contention. I’ll stand up for my record, but I’m no miracle worker.

Clearly, you can’t come up with more than 3 column ideas in a calendar year that don’t involve firing the GM of the local hockey team. If you’re getting into the miracle business you should start by writing about something else.

Honestly, when examining the roster now, I’m not even sure where to begin. The Sabres’ foundation doesn’t simply have a few cracks. It has disintegrated into a pile of dust that needs to be cleared. They need to dig a new hole. They need a fresh pour of reinforced concrete. The first step is hiring a new architect.

Funny, I think the same thing whenever I take a look at The Buffalo News sports section. HEY OHHHH.

The Sabres’ average finish since GM for a Day started in 2007 is between eighth and ninth place in the conference. Take away their division title in 2009-10, and it’s between ninth and 10th.

FYI: That’s pathetic.

Not going to deny this, it’s true, we all know it. Ignoring the whole TAKE THAT YEAR THEY WERE GOOD AWAY nonsense, the bigger problem to me is that the team is boring. It’s not fun to watch, it isn’t fun to go to games, it’s not fun to even armchair GM them into 5 straight Stanley Cups anymore. We get that part.

And that’s why you need me.

Someone was listening to their Taylor Swift albums while writing their GM For A Day column, weren’t they Buckster?

Look, every general manager makes mistakes every year. I’ve made blunders along the way, too. In 2009, I was so desperate for a top defenseman that I was prepared to throw Jay Bouwmeester a seven-year contract worth $50 million.

lmao

Jay-Bo was a bust in Calgary. It doesn’t guarantee he would have been a bust here. You never really know how a player will fit with a certain organization until he plays for the team. Regardless, it was too much money for him. Calgary recognized its mistake, traded him while he still had value and started in a different direction.

You’re right, it doesn’t mean he would have been a bust here. We can ignore the fact that before this season he never played in a NHL playoff game. We can ignore the fact that he was just massively hyped because UFA that year was probably the best class you’ll see in a long time and the Canadian media hyped the dude into getting paaaaaaaid. Calgary dumped him because he was average and didn’t live up to his contract. The return was about right, but no one would touch that deal until there was a year left on it. They couldn’t give him away before then, so he really didn’t have any “value” until this year.

My job for one day the last six years was adding and subtracting specific players and creating a roster that fit under the salary cap. My decisions were made based on what the Sabres needed while working with a base, a foundation. Now, with the foundation in ruins, they need a general approach rather than pinpointing players who can help.

With so many holes in the roster, creating a complete roster and detailed salary chart would be unrealistic. There are too many variables that come into play to say precisely what’s needed in one day. Real negotiations are required with other general managers. One move leads to several other moves down the road.

With no true core of players to build around, it’s become exponentially tougher.

I’m going to skim over this part, I re-read it like 6 times and all I could think about was what I’m going to get from Trader Joe’s for dinner. Don’t worry Buffalo, you’re getting a TJ’s soon…you’ll love the shit out of it. Even if they’re building it in the worst shopping center in the world and you’ll never actually be able to get into the store unless you take 2-3 days off from your job. If you do manage to get into it, here’s the top 5 things I recommend:

• 1)      Cajun Chicken Alfredo – for “stick this in the microwave for 3 minutes and eat” pasta, it’s probably the best I’ve ever had.
• 2)      Chipotle Chicken Skewers – Buy a package of these, pop them in the oven for 20 minutes, dice them up and you have a simple taco/burrito filling with a nice flavor to it.
• 3)      Cookie Butter – If you’ve ever flown Delta, this stuff tastes like the cookies they give out, only you can spread it on toast.
• 4)      Cheddar Bacon Ranch Dip – 3 things you love, combined in a delicious dip.
• 5)      Southwest Stuffed Chicken Breasts – I have no idea what’s stuffed in these, some sort of cheese, I’ve seen a black olive ot two, maybe some peppers…but you throw these in the oven for about 35 minutes and they have a delicious crust on them and one breast is a solid meal. They’re a little on the pricy side, even for Trader Joe’s food, ($12 for two breasts) but one pack can feed two people pretty easily.

Sorry, where were we…

Being the owner for a day would be much, much easier. I would fire Regier, hire Pat LaFontaine as president of hockey operations, hire Rick Dudley as general manager and allow them to hire the right coach and acquire the right personnel. The standards would never be lowered. They would be the same every year: Win the Stanley Cup.

HIRE ALL THE FORMER SABRES. RESIGN DRURY AND BRIERE AND FIND JP DUMONT LETS ROLL!!!! 07/01/07 NEVER FORGET!

And this column would end HERE.

If only I was so LUCKY. AND WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!!!

The general idea now is slashing payroll as much as possible, which gives me more flexibility; acquiring as many good young players as possible with the idea several will emerge as good players and, eventually, strong leaders; and blending in willing veterans who can help with the transition.

So you and Darcy are on the same page?? Oooooh, I bet your skin is crawling.

Getting this team back into contention is a tall order for anyone. Young players come with uncertainty and mistakes. It leads to misses. It leads to problems with the salary cap. It leads to losing. It leads to suffering. It leads to, well, 12th place.

Let’s get something straight. No GM should be allowed to rebuild his own team. Their job is to build. If a rebuild is required, which happens to be the case in Buffalo, it means a team was poorly built the first time. If you invest time and money in a core group of players, you need to be right. If you’re not, you need to be replaced.

Yadda yadda, you hate Darcy, we fucking get it. I want to feed your typing fingers to a badger.

Overall, the job requires a strong stomach to take risks, a quality lacking in Regier. If I make too many mistakes, fire me. I have another job for 364 days a year.

I’ve obtained this exclusive screenshot of what Bucky’s job entails for those 364 days:

Buffalo has the eighth and 16th picks overall in the upcoming draft. There’s almost no chance of Colorado giving up the first pick overall. If I can’t get Seth Jones, Nathan MacKinnon or Jonathan Drouin — the top three prospects — I’m looking to use one or both first-round picks as trade bait.

We’ve all read the reports that getting into the Top 3 is pretty much impossible at this point. I realize no one at TBN proofread this or suggested a correction because god knows I wouldn’t have made it this far into this article if I wasn’t trying to get across how much I wish you’d take up some other career. I’d rather shove ball point pens up my dickhole than read this willingly. I'm sure your proofreaders feel the same.

I’m willing to dip into the free-agent market for role players who are 28 or younger and will not kill payroll. Blackhawks winger Viktor Stalberg is at the top of a short list. Nathan Horton is a very good player, and tough, but I can only pursue him if I dump the salaries of Ryan Miller or Thomas Vanek or, preferably, both.

The UFA class sucks…Stalberg was the most sheltered player in the league at even strength, I guess he’s a “role player” if that role is “Yo bitches, I don’t do that defense thing”. And apparently Nathan Horton is going to get a 20mil per season contract, because I’m pretty sure they can afford him right now with no other moves. Not that he’d ever sign here or anything, but still.

The Flyers reportedly are listening to offers for Sean Couturier. Couturier is coming off a terrible season in which he had four goals and 15 points in 46 games. He had a 27-game scoring slump. There is no getting around such facts, but he’s a 20-year-old with good size (6-foot-3, 200 pounds). He would not be THE piece. He would be one piece.

That’s fine, he’s a good player. He should be a target. Oh fuck me, I agreed with you on something…I need a delousing.

Regier has two assets in Vanek and Miller, plus two first-round picks in the coming draft. Vanek and Miller are eligible for unrestricted free agency after the coming season and have shown little desire to stay through a rebuild. Every day they remain here, the Sabres lose a little leverage in the trade market.

No they don’t. Vanek is going to be wanted real bad now and 6 months from now. The goalie market is a big shit sandwich, there wasn’t much market for Miller yesterday, there’s not much market for him tomorrow, and even when he’s UFA it’ll take a little while before he’s signed.

Wayne Gretzky was traded, so everybody on my roster is available for the right price. And that includes Tyler Myers and Mikhail Grigorenko. I’m not actively shopping them, but rest assured I’m listening to all offers for them or anyone else.

Myers has become emblematic of their problems. He’s a young player who hasn’t produced, cannot be depended upon to build around and is overpaid. His game has regressed in recent years. He might become a very good player. I’m open to moving him for the right price, but I’m also not giving him away.

What’s the right price? Big, right-handed defensemen are hard to find. I would need a proven young player and either two solid prospects or a young star and a high draft pick.

I have this 2010 model car, it’s really expensive and it doesn’t run all that great but it’s only 3 years old! Will you give me your 2013 model, take me to dinner, and let me fuck your sister in exchange for it? Also your sister better do buttstuff.

My options going into the draft are twofold. The eighth and 16th picks could be used in a package to move into the top three positions of the draft or they could be used with Vanek and/or Miller for a good, young prospect with experience. I would not be inclined to keep both picks and take my chances in the draft. It’s too risky.

If you were really the GM, some untalented hack like yourself would write one article every 3 months about how much you suck and do fuck all other than that. All these players you want to TRADE ALL THE PICKS for are still with the original team they were drafted by. Teams don’t trade these guys very often, you have to draft well then fill in the pieces later. You don’t get anywhere just throwing draft picks away you fucking simpleton.

The Sabres need help down the middle yet again. Cody Hodgson is not a true No. 1 center. In my book, he’s a second-line center on a good team and perhaps a third-line center on a contending team. The trick is convincing another team to unload a good young center for a high pick and Vanek or Miller.

Adam Henrique is another good player, a second-line center on a good team but a first-line guy for the Sabres. He’s coming off a mediocre year (11 goals, 16 points, 42 games) but had 16 goals and 51 points in 74 games as a rookie. He’s 23 years old and has played in the Stanley Cup finals.

Would the Devils be interested in Vanek and a first-round pick for him? Or would they take Miller to take over for Martin Brodeur, plus a first-round pick? Yes, it’s a hefty price. It’s also getting something back for Miller or Vanek. If they become free agents, they can walk and bring nothing back in return.

I bumped up this piece about Henrique from below because he’s not as good as Cody Hodgson is. If you passed me some quaaludes, I *might* say they’re pretty equal as far as position on a team’s depth chart. So you aren’t sold on Hodgson, but you want a guy who’s been in the league the same amount of time and done less to bump him down the depth chart?? Henrique barely even played center last year, he spent a lot of time on LW, he’s nowhere near a first line center. Man where the fuck do we sign the petition to put you in charge?? I can’t believe Pegula hasn’t thrown buckets of money at you to right the USS Shitpile yet!!!

Remember, there’s a very good chance you’re losing Vanek and/or Miller if you don’t trade them. Would the Flyers be interested in giving up Couturier, for example, for Vanek and swapping the 16th and the 11th picks?

Google “Capgeek” you fucking twat. Try using it…at least make me believe you didn’t just fire up NHL 13 and start making trades with the salary cap turned off and vomited the results up into Microsoft Word. MAKE ME THINK THAT YOU DID SOME FUCKING HOMEWORK!

I don’t know for sure. If Philly buys out Ilya Bryzgalov, they could be interested in Miller.

And here you at least used “buyout” but only in the context of replacing goalie for goalie, not in the context of anything having to do with money. If you even considered putting 15 seconds of research into your delusional fantasy, you'd know how truly cap fucked the Flyers are right now, buyouts or no buyouts.

Would the Blue Jackets be interested in trading away high-scoring center Boone Jenner, a former second-round pick, or defenseman Ryan Murray, the former second pick overall who is coming off a shoulder injury? Both are 19-year-old prospects of a team desperate to make the playoffs and looking for a scorer (Vanek) after losing Rick Nash.

I’m guessing Marian Gaborik spontaneously combusted sometime between the end of the regular season and now. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family.

Is there any way I can get my hands on Matt Duchene or Ryan O’Reilly, even if it means trading Miller or Vanek (and more) to Colorado?

No, there’s not.

Could the Oilers move Magnus Paajarvi, a former 10th pick overall who has had a slow start to his career for a team loaded with young skilled forwards? Edmonton needs a goaltender.

Edmonton would bend over to get something decent for Paajarvi. He’s considering buying property in Bustville.

Panthers GM Dale Tallon is listening to offers for the second pick overall. It’s time to give him a call and find out the price tag. I would be willing to trade Miller, Vanek and a first-round pick for the second pick overall. Why? Because the chances of keeping one or both is minimal. It would require them signing extensions with Florida, of course.

Do you know how many NHL teams line up to give you good, low cost assets for the privilege of eating up $14 MILLION DOLLARS in cap space? The list is as long as the list I have entitled “Bucky Gleason Articles That Use Critical Thinking and Knowledge of Subject Matter”.

Is that possible? Anything is possible. Now do you see where this is going?

If I wasn’t 2500 miles away from you, it would be heading towards jail time or at the very least a restraining order.

One player on my radar is Kings goaltender Jonathan Bernier, who is stuck behind former Conn Smyth winner Jonathan Quick. Bernier and Jhonas Enroth would be battling for the No. 1 goaltending position until further notice. Both would get their share of opportunities until one emerged. If neither did, start looking again.

Bernier, 24, has a 29-20-6 record with a 2.36 goals-against average and .912 save percentage in 62 career games. He still has plenty to prove, but he’s a former first-round pick with potential. It’s time to call the Kings for the asking price.

I would be more willing to give up a first-round pick for someone who’s already an NHL player, than willing to risk taking one eighth or 16th overall. The Kings need a first-round pick. How about giving the Kings the 16th pick overall and Drew Stafford for Bernier and the Kings’ second-round pick?

Bernier was traded to the Leafs shortly after this article went up, I’m not going to fault Bucky for that. He gave up way more than the Leafs had to though, so he’s still an idiot. Also, the Kings were looking for some cap relief in return for him, which Contract Year Stafford doesn’t provide them, so again, still an idiot. He also spells Conn Smythe wrong, real crack staff you got there TBN.

Conn Smyth

Miller and Vanek would be traded before or during the draft. It’s time to begin life without them. Just know they will not bring the return you would hope because the Sabres lost leverage by keeping them after the 2013 trade deadline.

It’s a shame the Sabres have reached this point. But if they followed my suggestions over the years, they wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.

There’s a whole recap section of past GM For A Day columns in the article where Bucky pats himself on the back for a bunch of shit that would have never realistically happened and continues stroking his Darcyhate boner until he reaches glorious climax, releasing a giant load of I TOLD YOU SO all over himself and wiping it clean with a 06-07 President’s Trophy Winners T-Shirt. I’m not going to go into it more in depth because I don’t hate myself or my new friends here at the DEEG that much.

Instead I want to play GM For A Day as well. Only I’m taking over The Buffalo News Sports Department.

Fire Bucky, Fire Harrington, Keep Vogl, throw a bunch of money at Bill Hoppe and hell, I’ll even keep Sullivan around, because even as much of an asshole as he can be, he at least throws out some stuff worth reading here and there.

Look at how simple that was. I didn’t need 400 paragraphs of self-gratifying nonsense and fantasy to shore up what is Buffalo’s true #1 sports disappointment. Fuck, I even did as much homework as Bucky did.

Enjoy this until TBN threatens to have us take it down for using paid content or some other little vindictive bullshit that they excel at as opposed to putting out good content.

-          You can follow The Commander on Twitter at @essbeeay