So I’ve compiled a list of pointers - a 16-step program (one for each round - get it?!) that will allow you to perform at least as well as myself in your fantasy league (2nd place if you're lucky) (me, “perform” HA!). Now, this isn’t meant to be some bible about fantasy football strategy or some analytical system that’ll show you where the value is in the draft, or whether you should draft a QB or a RB first. If you want that shit, give Matthew Berry a handie and be sure his dick is pointing directly at your brain as he climaxes. You know. For maximum absorption of his genius.
No, to be perfectly frank, I’m just in the mood to fuck with you. See, last week I was locked out of my parents home, and - stricken with boredom while I sat on dirty plastic outdoor furniture - I volunteered my services for fantasy advice and no one took me up on the offer! Not one! So I decided to write this shitty thing. Here’s the deal. Some of these 16 tips are actually good advice. Others are not! BWAHAHAHAH.... HAH.
WHY SO SURIOUS?!?
16. Pat LaFontaine sayeth “thou shalt not wait until 16 to take a kicker.” Yea, Thou, you fuckin idiot. You know who was the leading scorer of the Packers last year? Well, it was Aaron Rodgers. But AFTER Aaron Rodgers it was... OK, it was Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson and Jimmy Jones, but after THEM it was Mason Crosby! And he, like, sucks man. The point is that kickers score a ton of points, dude, so you better get a good one. I’m not saying you should take Sebastian Janikowski in the 1st round, but... maybe the 11th?
15. Join as many leagues as you can. It’s a numbers game. The more leagues you’re in, the better your odds of winning one. Plus it’s more fun. I mean. would you rather pay a ton of attention to 2 leagues or just set a dozen lineups every Sunday? Duh. Plus, if you only do a couple leagues then you can’t draft every player in the game. I mean, last year, you would’ve had to known ahead of time that Adrian Peterson was going to be a stud to draft him. But if you’re in a dozen leagues, chances are you grabbed him in at least one of them!! #championship
14. Make sure you only join leagues with really weird scoring systems. No points for kickoff return yards? No thanks. No drafting defensive players? See ya. No bonus points for 50+ yd field goals? Go suck a fuck. Join one of these cookie cutter “standard” leagues and you’ll just be sitting around cheering for touchdowns. There’s a lot more to this game called “futbol americano.” Embrace it.