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The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. - A Bills/Dolphins Recap

11/16/2012

Well, that happened.

The Barrister

I don’t think my liver was really ready for that delightful mess of a game.

Defensive dominance? A special teams touchdown? Thrilling, last-minute interceptions? A 50/50 split of running and passing plays? Apologist buying round after round of preemptive victory shots, chased down by Lagunitas IPAs?

So. Much. Win.

As a new dad, and a Bills fan, I haven’t gotten many days or nights like that recently, and I’m not entirely sure I could handle it if one of my teams actually started to get good for once. I know the team is bad, and we’ll get to that, but fuck what a fun night.

Which isn’t to say it wasn’t ugly. After all, winning ugly – very ugly, mostly – appears to be the best we can reasonably expect from this enigma of a squad. But, after putting together one of their most complete games of the year in Foxboro this past week, only to fall short when it mattered, the Bills took an early lead at home and cherished it like the rare commodity that it is. They ran the ball often relative to their track record, relied on their best player to get them the points they needed – albeit via field goals – and made sure not to disappoint a home crowd itching to get that primetime monkey off its back.

It honestly shouldn’t have worked, seeing as they’re a garbage team coached by a garbage Chan and owned by a garbage taint, but it’s not like the Universe doesn’t owe us a game like that every once in a while. And even with the playoffs a supremely unlikely scenario for these Bills, a win is a win is a boy this team is not very good please god where is hockey?

Screw it.... On to the milquetoast takes!

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If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now. - Bills/Texans - Week 9

11/3/2012

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no chance this is the actual screenshot of that line, mind you

The Barrister

Ah the bye week. The time to appreciate a break from the often frustrating squad we've been saddled with for these many years, to watch football with few rooting interests, and to perhaps forget about football altogether when life takes precedence as it so often does, whether in big ways or small.

This week was certainly no different.

But now that we're back to thinking about this underachieving and tragically coached Bills team, as it matches up against a hilariously superior Houston Texans squad, it's tough to find much of anything to be positive about. Perhaps the only real reason to be excited about this game is as a welcome opportunity to step away from the enormous and ongoing impact of a crazy as shit storm. Seems a good enough reason to me.

Scizz is taking a much needed break after his hell-ish week, and I'm luckily drunk enough to think I can fill his shoes, having sucked down a few Buffalo Lagers. Those lagers, unsurprisingly, assisting me in my belief that the Bills actually have a shot to win this game, or - put more accurately - my willingness to at least latch onto the infinitesimally small shot the Bills' actually have to win and cheer with a detached relationship with rational thought.

I would describe this as the "beers equal delightful sports fantasyland" paradigm. It's a working title.

Moving on to our feature presentation...

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"I just lost a buck... to myself!" - Chiefs/Bills - Week 2

9/14/2012

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During the 2012 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will hit your eye holes every Thursday night/Friday morning. If you've been a follower of the Deeg for a while, you may remember that last season featured previews inspired by "The Big Lebowski." This year, as voted by our loyal/psychotic/confused readers, "Super Troopers" has been chosen as the ongoing cinematic theme. After a quick rundown of the game, the rest of the post has been inspired by his idol, Drew Magary, and his weekly previews on Deadspin, and will provide you with some solid predictions (false) and other incredible insight you can only get here (so false). So sit back and enjoy the (shit)show.

Actual autographed photo being shopped on e-bay.

The Scizz

Well shit. Where to begin? As I correctly predicted last week, I was a total idiot for once again getting my hopes up for a Buffalo Bills football season. But then again, at least I kind of/sort of saw it coming and drank enough alcohol on Sunday to numb the pain.

Of course, Monday was a different story. Still exhausted from the copious amounts of beer/vodka/whiskey (and a random Jager Bomb) that was consumed, I was forced to recount the previous day's outcome. Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like hot garbage. The defensive line is NOT who we thought they were. The secondary is an absolute joke. And of course, the injury bug has already hit big, as Fred-Ex is out for at least three weeks and David Nelson is out for the year, in a position of need where the team was already extremely undermanned. OH THE JOYS OF FOOTBALL!!!

Yet I'm not here to continue to whine and complain about how shitty the team looked in week one. There is enough of that everywhere (with obvious good reason). No, these previews aren't recaps, they are about looking forward and enjoying football, which is the most awesome-est sport in the world. In fact, as I said to the Yachtsman earlier today, I can't fully write this team off yet. I just can't. Because really, who am I betting against? If the Bills continue to suck, then it's just another year where by week 10 I have my Sundays back. Cool. However, If the Bills bounce back and show some of that early season 2011 spark, then maybe, just maaaaaaaaybe these ass clowns can still pull it together and all hope won't be lost. Naturally, as a fan I prefer the latter, but at this point in my life, I'm just going to enjoy football season and hope for the best. Brace yourselves, the Scizz is trying to keep things positive! Check it out after the jump....

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Synergy.

9/12/2012

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wait. was that racist?

The Barrister

While Yachtsman was busy putting a silly little hobbit in his place yesterday, Joe Pinzone had me on his Talkamania podcast and we talked a whole bunch about the Bills, Fitz, Mario, the shitty defense and our obsession with football players justifying the money someone else pays them.

For serious, it ran a little long, but that'll happen.

Sunday was bad. Really bad. But we're doing it again this weekend and the catharsis of chatting about these not-so-lovable losers is the best way to get me through the weekday doldrums and start to feel ok about sitting down for another potential ass-kicking.

Maybe I really am insane. Maybe the silly little hobbit was right. ... Nah, fuck it. Everything about everything I do is unassailable. All. Day. Long.

While you're listening to these spoken word hot takes, be sure to check out the litany of content over at Buffalo Wins.

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So Far Away....

7/9/2012

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The Scizz

I'm not even sure what I'm about to write here, and I sincerely apologize for any lack of consistency or salient points being made, but right now I'm giddy with excitement and want to spread the good word. I slept in until 8:15 am today, flipped open the laptop and randomly checked to see when Bills individual tickets went on sale (I little bug called the Yachtsman may have planted the idea in my head though). I then miraculously got lucky and saw that it was, in fact, 9 am today. Credit card in hand, I sat patiently at the computer waiting for 9:00 am to strike. When it did, I pounced, and now I have four lower level tickets to the Buffalo Bills home opener against the Kansas City Chiefs on September 16th. Am I excited?

Fuck to the yes I am.

You see, before this weekend there had been some chatter among DGWU Sports as to when we could possibly all make it home for a game this season. Sure, we will most likely attend the yearly debacle that is the Bills - Jets game in the Meadowlands, but this year we all really wanted to make it home for a game. But as always with us drunk lunatics, many a times it only ends up as talk. Not that we don't like to follow through with awesome plans, but when you work as many hours as we do, and have other minor things taking up your time like weddings and babies, not everything we want to do gets accomplished. And Buffalo Bills games are tough.

Making the trek to Buffalo for a football game is never easy. It almost always requires an extra day off on Monday to return to NYC (which is very difficult to take off in my field during the fall), or it involves an absolutely awful drunken/hungover flight that leaves you weeping upon arrival when you realize you still have an hour commute from JFK to get home, only to have to be up in 5 - 6 hours to actually perform at said job. So nine times out of ten, smarter heads prevail and we all decide to get drunk at McFaddens, or a random bar elsewhere, or Yachtsman's former man-cave (RIP). However, this season is different. I am more fired up for Buffalo Bills this season than I have been in a long time. Hell, just last year I wrote this post, talking about how I almost flat out didn't give a shit about the upcoming season. My morale had been crushed by Ralph's paper thin pocketbook and I was readying to just get drunk and watch the games with no level of expectations whatsoever. Yet, Bills fans are a bi-polar bunch, and so with the signing of Mario Williams and numerous important contract extensions that were taken care of, I can't blame Ralph for not spending money this year (although I will still blame him for tons of other shit over the past 12 years, thank you very much). All I can do is sit back, and get fired up for what I'm praying is great season of football. And I get to be there for the first two games of the season. One here in Jersey, and then my first Bills home game in five years. Yup. FIVE LONG YEARS. This year the difficult trip to and from the Ralph is worth it (screw that late Sunday flight, I gots Monday and Tuesday off, bitches).

Am I now VERY excited?

Double fuck to the yes I am.

All of this also means I have never tailgated in Orchard Park with my compatriots here at DGWU Sports. That's right. Can you imagine the levels of debauchery and insanity that will occur on this glorious day? Shit's gonna get weird.

Friday night we will haul ass to good ole' Western New York, hit the town in honor of the absent Derek Roy, and then mentally prepare for what could be one of the greatest days of sporting ever to happen. So get your Mario Williams jersey ready, get your Fitz beard ready, and most of all get those 30 packs of beer and soul-crushing expectations ready, because DGWU Sports returns to the promise land this September. If only it wasn't so far away....

Follow me on twitter @TheScizz. I'm a special boy.

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Go Ahead. Get Excited.

3/19/2012

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In stores this September.

The Apologist

It’s alright. I know your heart is telling you it’s too soon to fall again, but it’s ok. There’s reason to get excited, to believe. You’ve been hurt before, but this time, it really is different. We’ve truly never seen anything like this. So it’s ok to already be excited for the Bills’ season to start.

In the 20 years leading up to last Thursday, since the NFL implemented an unrestricted free-agent system, the most money Ralph & Co. had ever handed out was $7 million-a-year to Derrick Dockery. You know, the Derrick Dockery who has started four games in the last two seasons.

Ok, bad memory. But seriously folks, this time it’s different. The Buffalo Bills, owners of the longest playoff drought in the NFL today, went out and signed the top free agent at his position in the market to the largest contract for a defender in the history of the league.

Aside from the lift this gives the entire defense, Buddy Nix gets a huge boost in stature from this signing. In my eyes, this deal legitimized his leadership. All Foghorn Leghorn jokes aside, it cements his position as a straight shooter who sticks to his guns.

I say, I say, I gone and done it.

Maybe he won’t be able to keep that up. Life as a coach or GM in the NFL, or any other sport for that matter, seems to preclude the possibility of standing by your word (right, Boeheim? …too soon?). But he said he was going to find someone who had head coaching experience. He said they would always use draft picks to find the best athletes. He said he wanted Stevie Johnson back. He said he would make every effort to sign Mario Williams.

Done, done, done, and done.

Will he be able to keep it up by restructuring Fred Jackson’s contract and finding difference makers in this year’s draft? Only time will tell. But for now, you can’t find much to fault in the Bills’ GM.

For now.

But enough about the signing itself. After a while the luster of all those zeroes at the end of Williams’ contract will wear off and the big questions will still need to be answered. How good can this defense be? Will the 4-3 mask the fact that our linebackers & secondary are less than great? Is Dave Wannstedt the answer at defensive coordinator? Are we really going to pay Shawne Merriman $5 million to salvage his reputation?

I’m not sure I’m smart enough to answer any of these questions well. Obviously adding a player as talented as Mario Williams will only make us better, but how much better is impossible to determine with any certainty. No sport exists with more variables than football. Serious speculation is simply a waste of time. (Peter King’s 2011 Super Bowl Prediction: Falcons over Chargers. Oops.)

Simply let the excitement wash over you. Your Buffalo Bills made the biggest splash of the NFL off-season.

Hey. Mind if I take your job? / Ummm...

Ok, maybe not the biggest splash. But still, think back to where you were when the Bills’ season ended. Luckily for me, I don’t have to think too hard, because I vented all my rage here. I was distraught and depressed. A few days after writing that, I had basically stopped thinking about the Bills. I refused to look at a single draft board or even consider the Bills’ chances of reaching the .500 plateau, let alone the playoffs.

Today? I’m excited for the draft. I’m excited to see what our schedule looks like. I honestly believe the Bills have a shot at a playoff spot.

Foolish? Probably. Fun? Definitely.

As I’ve said time and time again, sports should be about fun. Splitting the hairs on Mario’s head is pointless until games are played. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the feeling that the organization finally cares and maybe, just maybe, has a clue. Yes, that says more about the level of my standards than anything else, but still, improvements were needed and they have been made, with more coming on the horizon. It's hard for me to find bad things to say about a team I shredded to the best of my ability two months ago.

Are things definitely going to be different? I don’t know how much, but they already are. The Bills of the last 12 years never made moves like this. These Bills resigned a true #1 receiver, then went out and got one of the two biggest jewels in the free agent market. And neither of them ever entertained offers elsewhere.

No one saw this coming. But it happened. So go ahead. Let yourself fall in love all over again.

For once, there’s a really good reason.

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The DGWUS CrapTastiCast - Episode 25: True Colors

3/16/2012

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True Colors....shining through.

The Deeg Crew, feat. Joe Pinzone & The Pink Elephant

Twenty-five episodes? Buffalo for real? Yikes.

Not only are we shocked that we have actually recorded 25 episodes, but the fact that we have kept a steady listenership and continue to gain subscribers blows our freakin' minds. So, on the eve of Yachtsman's 30th birthday, the Deeg drank lots of craft beer and gathered at the Apologist's apartment to record the big two-five, or the silver anniversary edition if you will. We open with a new theme dedicated to Mario Williams, and from there we go into rants of happiness about the big signing of our new high-paid, defensive monster. You will also notice that the Yachtsman probably had a little too much fun with Spotify during the recording (a lot of True Colors), but all in all, it made for some pretty funny moments, including actual hand-holding, high fives, and group hugs... and maybe some dry-humping.

The second segment is a little crazy, as we attempt to talk about the Sabres, but our overall excitement for beer and Mario leads us astray. We are joined by Apologist's roommate and friend of the Deeg, the Pink Elephant, for a good portion of the podcast, whose non-love of sports becomes hilariously apparent early on. However, he spends a good deal of time making fun of us for being idiots, so that evens it out.

It also would not be a silver anniversary edition without our dear friend, Joe Pinzone of Buffalo Wins! Joe skypes in from home and most likely regrets it immediately. His take on the Bills and Mario is fantastic, and as always, so much better than anything we can come up with. Well done, Joe. Phil from BBG was supposed to be on, but technology is hard for us drunk idiots. Maybe next time.

Musical breaks from Toto, Wings, The Meat Puppets, and Puff Daddy & Mase. Yup.
Download from Libsyn here or iTunes below. Easiest way is to hit the streamer.

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Feeling Like I Just Ate a 1up Mushroom

3/15/2012

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Stud Defensive Ends! Hallucinogenic edibles! Hugs & High Fives!

The Barrister, aka The Viceroy of Breathless Hyperbole

This was not supposed to happen. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes! The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

I FEEL LIKE I'M TRIPPING BALLS AND NOTHING CAN HURT ME.

Or something like that.

I am very bad at many things. Writing on this site, from time to time when I'm mailing it in by copy and pasting Ghostbusters quotes and interposing them with Mario Bros. references, is one of them. Knowing shit about sports other than what my gut tells me is another one. I cover it up with humor, with witticisms that search eagerly for a laugh as I hope you all don't notice that I barely know what separates a good player from a bad one other than basic stat lines and winning. Maybe that's enough. I suspect, sometimes, it is not.

I say all that because I don't know a ton about Mario Williams. Sure, I've seen him demolish a quarterback or two on the rare Sunday when I watch Texans football or Sportscenter highlights, but he's largely a mystery to me. So, in the wake of signing this big ass, overpaid dude to a gigantic, earth-shattering deal, if you want to tell me there are issues with his health, his fitness, whether he can still produce at this point in his career, I'm not going to argue with you. And if you want to talk about the risk of a big deal like this, especially on a historically snake-bitten franchise that has already seen one stud defensive player signed in the past few years only to see him collapse in a series of horrible injuries, then fine. You could be like the Apologist, who - when asked for a witty thought or quip about the contract - texted me today that "He's gonna blow his knee in Week 2." Have at it you effin negative nancies, because I don't care, and I suspect that none of these negatives would be brought up - at least not in the way that I've seen - if he had signed in another City with another team that doesn't get the kind of skeptical eye that the Bills do.

So have at it, if you must. As for me, right now, tonight, after hours and hours of waiting on this news and fearing that our team and our City would come back down to earth in a disastrous and inevitable reality check, this feels amazing. Shit, even Yachtsman, Crown Prince of Contrarianism, when asked for a thought to contribute to this post, had nothing to say other than "I'm just happy."

Yachtsman doesn't do happy, folks. This is huge.

Looking forward to more of this.

A lot of what, I'm sure, many Bills fans are feeling today is well summed up by The Scizz, who - in response to my request for a thought or two, texted me back the following: "The Buffalo in me really started to make me doubt it would happen. Since I got my hopes up on Sunday night, I felt like Mario not signing is what I deserved. That it would be another colossal disappointment. But now I feel like a kid. Like in the 90s when the Bills could land anyone. Like the Sabres this past summer... oh fuck."

Yes, the Bills still have a TON to prove, just like the Sabres still do with respect to their big money signings of last July. And yes, until Super Mario does it on the field at The Ralph, it's all, technically, speculation. But for the first time in a LONG time, the Bills went out and did exactly what they said they were going to do. And, more to the point, for the first time in at least this millenia, the stud free agent actually signed our dance card. Feelings of rejection, and fear of rejection, suddenly wiped away by the decision of one terribly talented and gifted football player accepting our request that he come play for us. That he come be a god within our sports world - we hope - not just for one year, but for six. SIX. This is not a flash in the pan. This is not a publicity stunt. This is not a guy past his prime using our team for a year to show the rest of the league that he still has it. (Cough! TO! Cough! YOU SUCK.)

This guy has committed to being a Buffalo Bill. Without question, he is now one of "our guys."

For that, unanswered questions or not - history of epic failures or not - it's ok to be dreaming big for our Bills tonight.

Cue the Bob Hoskins and terrible power ballad! I am awful.

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Forward>>

The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. - A Bills/Dolphins Recap

If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now. - Bills/Texans - Week 9

"I just lost a buck... to myself!" - Chiefs/Bills - Week 2

Synergy.

So Far Away....

Go Ahead. Get Excited.

The DGWUS CrapTastiCast - Episode 25: True Colors

Feeling Like I Just Ate a 1up Mushroom

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