Ugh, I got sick last night due to something I ate, have since resigned myself to taking the day off, and this past weekend my beloved Liverpool looked as if they had caught some sort of bug themselves. A bug that makes it appear as if they're stuck being controlled by an increasingly drunk and button-mashing Scizz in a game of FIFA. They were that fucking bad.
So, needless, I don't really feel like doing this today. I'll make up for it by putting together something on the Sabres later today, so long as my gastrointestinal tract decides to chill the fuck out, but until then, check out my possibly disinterested recaps of the footy action after the jump. Or, don't. You probably came here for Bills news/swearing diatribes anyway. Guess what? They're losing this weekend. We all need to accept that.
Oh, and @davekellynyc returns to provide his recap of the Liverpool/Tottenham match as well, though he appears to have written it after watching some weird Japanese porn. Seriously, dude, you may have problems.
I'm giving you Dave's recap first, since much of what I want to say is not much more than making fun of his interesting word painting.
Then the cards came out.
One yellow for Spurs and six yellow cards for Liverpool in a span of 46 minutes. Here's a list of the bookings: Adam, 12'; Adebayor, 24'; Adam, 28' (Sent off); Skrtel, 36'; Coates, 40'; Suarez. 45'; Skrtel, 46' (Sent off). This will be taken as me being completely biased --F off!-- but all the cards were completely deserved. Flying arms and boots by the Reds kept finding body parts of the Spurs players, leading to the flowing bukkake of yellows from the ever generous referee. But, even with Spurs up 11 men to 10, and then 11 to 9, they couldn't get their second goal until Jemaine Defoe was left so open in the middle of the Reds' third he just had to control the ball around Enrique and then bury it past Reina. Two minutes later Adebayor got his first goal at home with deft possession over a sprawled out Reina, and then completed the brace with a cracker in extra time.
After Sunday's match, Spurs have now won three straight over Liverpool, extending to last season where they took 6 points from the Reds. We're not quite at the stage where the Scousers are our bitch yet, but if Spurs get another quality result and 3 points in February when the two meet again, then yeah, the Reds will be on the receiving end of some prison-style loving.
Until next time, come on you Spurs!
So, here are some things we just learned:
1. @davekellynyc and other Spurs fans involuntarily ejaculated on themselves Sunday morning. Glad we didn't watch together, Dave. Awkward.
2. An apparently appropriate metaphor for multiple bookings in football is, you guessed it, ejaculation...GROUP ejaculation.
3. The Tottenham Hotspurs require a two-man advantage to convincingly beat Liverpool.
4. Tottenham fans like bringing up the success they had against LFC in the Roy Hodgson years, which makes sense. I like bringing up the wide-spread heroin use and riots, so I guess we're even.
Listen, I didn't watch this whole game. I missed both of Charlie Adam's yellow cards as I was heading into Manhattan for pre-pre-Bills-game drinks. I hear from the Liverpool supporters at Patrick Kavanagh's that the first yellow against Adam was a little weak, but that the second one was legit. I rarely have problems with second yellows, since the purpose of the first is to caution and if a player can't rein in his play, it's arguably fair that he be shown the door. Charlie Adam is still a young guy, and he showed it on Sunday, leaving his team down a man and lacking a lot of skill from set pieces.
What I take away from this game is that Dirk Kuyt should be starting, not Carroll. I don't want to get down on Andy Carroll, since I've been disgusted at the rush to judgment displayed by so many Reds' supporters over the past month, but the proof IS IN THE FUCKING PUDDING YOU PONY-TAILED....ugh, I can't even finish that insult, as despondent as I am. I like Carroll, but I like him coming off the bench even better. If you were watching this game, you could see him struggling to create in a way that seems so outside his game - attempted back-heel passes, flick-ons, etc. - and I wonder if King Kenny has truly found a way to make use of all of the talent he has on his roster.
With two victories against pretty poor squads, and three disappointing results against Sunderland, Stoke and, now, Tottenham, I want to hope for the Dalglish Revolution at Anfield to continue, but apart from the inspired play of Luis Suarez, I have seen little that makes me get on board with expecting a top 4 finish for LFC.
That was sad to type. Excuse me while I delve into the reportedly soothing power of Japanese porn....
And I'm back and better than ever.
Manchester United 3, Chelsea 1
If you read me here, or on Twitter, you're likely aware that I HATE MANCHESTER UNITED. Earlier this year, Nick Mendola compared the NY Yankees to Liverpool (I think...way too lazy to check his website), but I've always thought the Bombers are more akin to Man U, particularly since Liverpool has been without any hint of championship results in the last couple years, while Man U has cruised to Cup after Cup, whether league or European. So, I repeat my aforementioned sentiment: FUCK THE MANCS.
And, so we all don't forget, FUCK THE BLUES AS WELL. Posh upper-crust footy fans make me want to murder furry animals. Maybe ferrets, but not dogs, since only goddamn degenerates do that. Looking at you, Michael Dwayne Vick. (Sidebar: I, for one, will not stop calling out Mike Vick for being a vicious puppy killer who is only moonlighting as a human being. And, lord knows Yachtsman won't be stopping anytime soon. If you're offended by this, some thoughts: (a) Please don't feel like you need to defend the integrity of a millionaire felon, and (b) VICK PARTICIPATED IN THE DEATH OF DOGS, SO GET SOME FUCKING PERSPECTIVE ABOUT WHAT "OFFENSIVE" MEANS. Jesus, people).
Two thoughts about the match. First, Wayne Rooney is going to lead the league in goals when all is said and done. I hate saying it, but the knuckle-dragging shovel face is on point lately. He got another one on Sunday. Second, Fernando Torres finally cracked through with a goal for the Blues, meaning that I'll have to wait for a few more matches - where he will, most assuredely, not score - before I can earnestly make fun of Chelsea again for signing him for such big numbers (casually ignoring Andy Carroll's transfer fee...). Bummer for me.
You're still a little bitch, Nando. And you and your team of bitches lost. So eat it.
Fulham 2, Manchester City 2
Also of note is Sergio Aguero's two goals on the day. If Rooney doesn't get the goals title this year, Aguero will. Dude has 8 goals on the 5 game season, only 1 behind the 9 currently tallied by Rooney. With third place belonging to Edin Dzeko, also of Man City (he has 6 goals), the Sky Blues should have no trouble scoring this year. Must be nice.
The Others: Blackburn beats Arsenal, QPR rolls, and Sunderland may be LEGIT.
While I watched a few other games on Saturday - wife was working, what else was I going to do...go outside? You clearly don't know me - only the Blackburn game was all that fun, since it was yet another notch in Arsenal's belt of 2011-12 suckitude. Reports are that Arsene Wenger will NOT be fired. Have fun with that Gooners. To be fair, recent signings may bear fruit over the next couple weeks, but I'm not going to speculate so long as I can poke fun at a team that is WAY worse off than my Reds. Suck it, Wenger.
The Queens Park Rangers continue to roll through their schedule and surprise EPL fans with their inspired play. A 3-0 win at Wolverhampton this weekend was more than impressive, and QPR is sitting pretty in the top half of the table with 7 points through 5 games. And, with rumblings that QPR may look to bring Becks back to England, I think it's clear that QPR intends to stay in the Premier League for years to come.
Sunderland, former home of new Red Jordan Henderson (you'll remember him as the lad who couldn't convert a breakaway against Stoke last weekend....I'm trying to be upbeat, really. Not really.), has been another early season surprise. Pounding cheeks at home on Saturday, they beat Stoke 4-0. That makes me feel slightly better about the loss to Liverpool's loss at Stoke last week, if only because it feels a little bit like karma for the team that narrows it pitch and jams its box, taking all fun out of the game. Sure, Sunderland only has 5 points and is sitting atop the lower half of the table, but a four goal victory is a big statement (I should know), and Sunderland's one goal losses to both Newcastle and Chelsea are not terrible results, even if they were at home.
Rounding out the action...fuck it, I don't care. Other matches happened, other goals scored. This is already more than I wanted to devote to this week's Closing Arguments.
Hopefully the Reds turn it around at Anfield next week and lay a smackdown on the Wolves. Dave's Spurs visit Wigan, so we should all expect him to ejaculate on himself sometime Saturday morning. Arsenal will have a chance to lose another one to a scrub side - this time Bolton - and Man U will visit Wigan Athletic. I expect Rooney to score at least 10. Anything less will subject him to my ridicule. And, finally, Man City will play Everton, who has turned it around of late, so perhaps we'll see the first big upset of the season?