The Outlander
With the NHL unable to get their shit together, a time normally dedicated to debating the Sabres lines and going on an NHL ’13 binge must be allocated elsewhere. With plenty of the deeg covering the comedy of errors that is the Buffalo Bills, I’ve decided to offer you something almost as good: a weekly column dedicated to previewing the week’s college football games. It’s almost as good in the way that college football is almost as good as the NFL. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
With the NHL unable to get their shit together, a time normally dedicated to debating the Sabres lines and going on an NHL ’13 binge must be allocated elsewhere. With plenty of the deeg covering the comedy of errors that is the Buffalo Bills, I’ve decided to offer you something almost as good: a weekly column dedicated to previewing the week’s college football games. It’s almost as good in the way that college football is almost as good as the NFL. Adjust your expectations accordingly.
I don’t think many of you have heard, but my college football team and alma mater has had quite a crazy ten months and finds themselves the joke of Division I-A ball (I’m never calling it the FBS). In a way writing this column is half torture, half-therapy; kind of like someone who got his heart stomped on writing a dating column. That said I take this in stride. I love college football, in a way that many WNY’ers seem unwilling to, so I may be the perfect guy for the job, although I know far less than some of you, so this may seem rudimentary. If you think this sucks, I will return to my lair until the NHL comes back and I can return to trolling TBN columnists and showing up at press events. Seriously, NHL, get your shit together.
Whenever You're Ready, Assholes.
CFL Game of the Week: None
Yes, I’m starting you off with a curve ball. NBCSN has been televising CFL for a month or two and I gotta tell you- it’s the fucking tops. First of all, they simulcast the TSN feed and as any hockey fan knows, TSN is the biggest TV cocktease on the continent. You’re trying to tell me that if I lived ten miles away, I would be able to watch old Canada Cup games, hours of NHL highlights, all the World Junior games, and full draft coverage? Instead we get Skip Bayless and Around the Horn. Apparently the typical American fan wants Tebow and Heat coverage, and that’s why the typical American fan is a pile of hot garbage. If I had to live in Canada, TSN would almost make it worth spending forty bucks on a case of Molson.
The best football game I saw all week was CFL (Calgary v. Edmonton). A buddy and I picked a team, wagered ten bucks, and proceeded to watch the following:
-A touchdown pass on a botched field goal hold to end the first half
-A quarterback who spent four years on the Seahawks…as a Safety.
-One team almost erase a nine point deficit with three minutes left.
-A game-winning field goal attempt clang off the upright as time expired.
What entertainment! Unfortunately NBCSN isn’t televising any more CFL games until next month because they need to air IndyCar racing. I NEED MY FIX OF YOUR SILLY ONE-POINT TOUCHBACKS.
Rutgers at South Florida- Thursday, 7:30pm ESPN
Friends don’t let friends cheer for Tampa teams. This game is taking place in Raymond James Stadium, and since the Bucs can barely drag fifty thousand of these pretentious, overtan jackasses to a pro football game, I’m sure USF’s cheering section will consist of five shitfaced bros in Hawaiian shirts that got lost looking for Margaritaville. Also, does anyone consider Tampa “south” Florida? It’s like people that call Poughkeepsie “upstate” New York. I hate you. Read a fucking map for once. Oh and Sonic sucks too.
Wake Forest at (5) Florida State- Saturday, Noon ESPN
I suppose I should still be bitter at Florida State for bouncing my other alma mater from the NCAA tournament, but they didn’t make the decision to take the ball out of Nicholson’s hands on the last possession. Also, FSU’s recent shittiness has made me warm to them. I used to hate the place when they had Peter Warrick, Charlie Ward and company, but now I can see myself rooting for them to be the team that takes the championship away from the SEC. Also, you have to respect the most racist mascot in all of sports.
Yes, I’m starting you off with a curve ball. NBCSN has been televising CFL for a month or two and I gotta tell you- it’s the fucking tops. First of all, they simulcast the TSN feed and as any hockey fan knows, TSN is the biggest TV cocktease on the continent. You’re trying to tell me that if I lived ten miles away, I would be able to watch old Canada Cup games, hours of NHL highlights, all the World Junior games, and full draft coverage? Instead we get Skip Bayless and Around the Horn. Apparently the typical American fan wants Tebow and Heat coverage, and that’s why the typical American fan is a pile of hot garbage. If I had to live in Canada, TSN would almost make it worth spending forty bucks on a case of Molson.
The best football game I saw all week was CFL (Calgary v. Edmonton). A buddy and I picked a team, wagered ten bucks, and proceeded to watch the following:
-A touchdown pass on a botched field goal hold to end the first half
-A quarterback who spent four years on the Seahawks…as a Safety.
-One team almost erase a nine point deficit with three minutes left.
-A game-winning field goal attempt clang off the upright as time expired.
What entertainment! Unfortunately NBCSN isn’t televising any more CFL games until next month because they need to air IndyCar racing. I NEED MY FIX OF YOUR SILLY ONE-POINT TOUCHBACKS.
Rutgers at South Florida- Thursday, 7:30pm ESPN
Friends don’t let friends cheer for Tampa teams. This game is taking place in Raymond James Stadium, and since the Bucs can barely drag fifty thousand of these pretentious, overtan jackasses to a pro football game, I’m sure USF’s cheering section will consist of five shitfaced bros in Hawaiian shirts that got lost looking for Margaritaville. Also, does anyone consider Tampa “south” Florida? It’s like people that call Poughkeepsie “upstate” New York. I hate you. Read a fucking map for once. Oh and Sonic sucks too.
Wake Forest at (5) Florida State- Saturday, Noon ESPN
I suppose I should still be bitter at Florida State for bouncing my other alma mater from the NCAA tournament, but they didn’t make the decision to take the ball out of Nicholson’s hands on the last possession. Also, FSU’s recent shittiness has made me warm to them. I used to hate the place when they had Peter Warrick, Charlie Ward and company, but now I can see myself rooting for them to be the team that takes the championship away from the SEC. Also, you have to respect the most racist mascot in all of sports.
I Mean, Come On.
California at Ohio State- Saturday, Noon ABC
(13) Virginia Tech at Pitt- Saturday, Noon ESPNU
(16) TCU at Kansas- Saturday, Noon FX
The best thing about college football in my mind is that it’s everywhere. There are four games on national television at Noon Saturday. Why wouldn’t you be into this? The only answers I will accept are “sleeping off hangover” and “watching EPL.” A couple quick things about these games: First, fuck Ohio State. Just because they have Urban Meyer and got hit with some sanctions, we’re all supposed to start rooting for them? I’ve met one person who went to Ohio State for undergrad and she was one of those annoying girls who resembled a lemur and went into Seal Team Six mode anytime I tried to talk to her roommate. Fuck those girls.
As for Virginia Tech-Pitt, I’ve been to Blackburg twice. It’s a nice town but takes fucking forever to get to. If you’re driving from Buffalo that means you have to drive through all of West Virginia, and yes that is as bad as it sounds. Plan your gas stops accordingly because if you have to make an unplanned exit off the highway you’re suddenly finding yourself in a Rob Zombie movie. Seriously, those people are fucking terrifying. I have another Blackburg story to tell but its 9:45 in the morning and I’m not drunk so maybe that’s a story better told in person.
Coming into work today I saw a girl driving a car with a TCU sticker and license plate holder. I thought that was weird and said to myself “I should mention TCU in today’s column.” So here you go, random girl who probably doesn’t read the deeg and would probably have stopped reading this piece two paragraphs ago if she did because she went to TCU.
Furman at Clemson- Saturday, 3pm ESPN3
I can’t decide if it’s just because I relate Furman University to Mark Fuhrman, but this sounds like a matchup between the most racist schools in the south. I bet Greenville, South Carolina has segregation and votes for George Wallace every four years. Also, Clemson has the sharpest uniforms in college football and if there’s any southern school I would brave a tailgate, it’s Clemson.
(1) Alabama at Arkansas- Saturday, 3:30pm CBS
Apparently this is the game I’m mandated to have an opinion on, lest I lose my college football fan card. My opinion is fuck Alabama. I was driving home from a business trip in Albany this week and saw a truck with a massive “ROLL TIDE” window decal on it, a truck which proceeded to cut me off. The only things that were missing were a pair of truck nuts and those two rapists from A Time to Kill. I’ve met two men from Alabama, one of whom was a Marine who informed my buddies and I at Dwyer’s Irish Pub in North Tonawanda that we should still have slavery. This was after he licked the inside of my friend’s supposedly empty tin of Skoal. Roll Tide is right.
(13) Virginia Tech at Pitt- Saturday, Noon ESPNU
(16) TCU at Kansas- Saturday, Noon FX
The best thing about college football in my mind is that it’s everywhere. There are four games on national television at Noon Saturday. Why wouldn’t you be into this? The only answers I will accept are “sleeping off hangover” and “watching EPL.” A couple quick things about these games: First, fuck Ohio State. Just because they have Urban Meyer and got hit with some sanctions, we’re all supposed to start rooting for them? I’ve met one person who went to Ohio State for undergrad and she was one of those annoying girls who resembled a lemur and went into Seal Team Six mode anytime I tried to talk to her roommate. Fuck those girls.
As for Virginia Tech-Pitt, I’ve been to Blackburg twice. It’s a nice town but takes fucking forever to get to. If you’re driving from Buffalo that means you have to drive through all of West Virginia, and yes that is as bad as it sounds. Plan your gas stops accordingly because if you have to make an unplanned exit off the highway you’re suddenly finding yourself in a Rob Zombie movie. Seriously, those people are fucking terrifying. I have another Blackburg story to tell but its 9:45 in the morning and I’m not drunk so maybe that’s a story better told in person.
Coming into work today I saw a girl driving a car with a TCU sticker and license plate holder. I thought that was weird and said to myself “I should mention TCU in today’s column.” So here you go, random girl who probably doesn’t read the deeg and would probably have stopped reading this piece two paragraphs ago if she did because she went to TCU.
Furman at Clemson- Saturday, 3pm ESPN3
I can’t decide if it’s just because I relate Furman University to Mark Fuhrman, but this sounds like a matchup between the most racist schools in the south. I bet Greenville, South Carolina has segregation and votes for George Wallace every four years. Also, Clemson has the sharpest uniforms in college football and if there’s any southern school I would brave a tailgate, it’s Clemson.
(1) Alabama at Arkansas- Saturday, 3:30pm CBS
Apparently this is the game I’m mandated to have an opinion on, lest I lose my college football fan card. My opinion is fuck Alabama. I was driving home from a business trip in Albany this week and saw a truck with a massive “ROLL TIDE” window decal on it, a truck which proceeded to cut me off. The only things that were missing were a pair of truck nuts and those two rapists from A Time to Kill. I’ve met two men from Alabama, one of whom was a Marine who informed my buddies and I at Dwyer’s Irish Pub in North Tonawanda that we should still have slavery. This was after he licked the inside of my friend’s supposedly empty tin of Skoal. Roll Tide is right.
Bama Fan Necessities.
As for Arkansas, I wish they were good since I don’t hate them as much as Alabama and LSU, but alas, they aren’t. Maybe the school should have just chilled the fuck out when they found out their coach was cheating on his wife with a coed instead of acting like he pissed on the Shroud of Turin. I mean, wasn’t the motorcycle accident punishment enough? The only thing left for Arkansas is to bring back Houston Nutt and Casey Dick.
Navy at Penn State- Saturday, 3:30pm ABC
Penn State has three winnable games left on their schedule, with this being one of them. They’ve lost to Ohio and Virginia so I’m not really optimistic. I figured this season could go one of two ways: they’d scrape together a .500 season with a couple of highly emotional conference wins to restore some pride and tell the nation that yes, these games are part of the healing process. Or they would go into the tank and field a team that could barely beat a handpicked collection of drunks playing the Ralph parking lots. It would appear we’re headed towards the latter. By this point I’m just hoping for a last-second victory at home to avoid a winless season like in We Are Marshall. Although I have severe doubts that Matthew McConaughey would star in a movie about that, pedophile coaches and plane crashes not eliciting the same emotions and all.
An Excuse to Shoehorn the Bills into This
Like many, I found yesterday’s news from Russ Brandon and Mark Poloncarz about the Bills lease rather disconcerting. Some of this may overlap or coincide with the Yachtsman’s piece yesterday but I had been thinking many similar things.
First, the Bills, the County and the State couldn’t get their calendars in order? Sure seemed simple for state officials to make time when the Yankees, Mets, Nets and Giants wanted to meet about their new stadium plans. The state sure as shit had time to divert taxpayer funds to an ill-fated, short lived bid at this year’s Olympics. Anyone with a career can read through that and smell the bullshit.
I’ve always been a fan of state partition because of crap like this. I understand that downstate contributes an immense amount of tax revenue that is used upstate but it isn’t about that. It’s about attention. Were the state to be partitioned, Buffalo would suddenly be the largest city in the state and the state would be represented by upstaters at every level of government. It’s why all of Western New York voted for a raging lunatic for governor in 2010. It obviously wasn’t about policy, or mental stability for that matter, it was about attention.
Now Yachter says that Cuomo is blowing us off because the Bills don’t matter to the state, because upstate doesn’t matter to the governor. This could be true; I’m not in the governor’s head. But I’ve said since 2010 that if I were Cuomo I’d punish Western New York for being so mind-numbingly idiotic in casting their ballots, and maybe this is something to that effect. The Bills aren’t going to pick up and leave in March whether Cuomo’s minions decide to sit down with the County and team or not. The guy is probably aiming to run for the White House in 2016 so why the fuck would he want a failure, any failure, let alone something as high profile as an NFL relocation to tarnish his record? He doesn’t need Erie County to win re-election; he needs to maintain the smooth ride the state has had for the last two years.
We’ve been down this road before. In fucking 1970, Ralph Wilson was threatening to move the team if they didn’t build him a new stadium. In the late 90’s he was threatening to move the team if the stadium didn’t get the upgrades it needed. Leases got done. Hours after Russ Brandon casually mentioned on WGR that it was the state that was being the dicks, Poloncarz and Brandon announce they’ve agreed in principle to a year’s extension. No one’s loading up the Mayflower trucks to ship off in the middle of the night.
Long story short, I’m optimistic. Does it suck to be in the unknown? Yes, but we’ve ALWAYS been in the unknown in one way or the other. It is what it is. I have a feeling we’re not going to know anything about the inner workings of this team’s future until Ralph is threatening to move heaven to North Dakota. In the meantime I look forward to shotgunning beers with the deeg this Sunday at the Ralph where we are 100% certain there will be NFL football.
Okay where were we…
Navy at Penn State- Saturday, 3:30pm ABC
Penn State has three winnable games left on their schedule, with this being one of them. They’ve lost to Ohio and Virginia so I’m not really optimistic. I figured this season could go one of two ways: they’d scrape together a .500 season with a couple of highly emotional conference wins to restore some pride and tell the nation that yes, these games are part of the healing process. Or they would go into the tank and field a team that could barely beat a handpicked collection of drunks playing the Ralph parking lots. It would appear we’re headed towards the latter. By this point I’m just hoping for a last-second victory at home to avoid a winless season like in We Are Marshall. Although I have severe doubts that Matthew McConaughey would star in a movie about that, pedophile coaches and plane crashes not eliciting the same emotions and all.
An Excuse to Shoehorn the Bills into This
Like many, I found yesterday’s news from Russ Brandon and Mark Poloncarz about the Bills lease rather disconcerting. Some of this may overlap or coincide with the Yachtsman’s piece yesterday but I had been thinking many similar things.
First, the Bills, the County and the State couldn’t get their calendars in order? Sure seemed simple for state officials to make time when the Yankees, Mets, Nets and Giants wanted to meet about their new stadium plans. The state sure as shit had time to divert taxpayer funds to an ill-fated, short lived bid at this year’s Olympics. Anyone with a career can read through that and smell the bullshit.
I’ve always been a fan of state partition because of crap like this. I understand that downstate contributes an immense amount of tax revenue that is used upstate but it isn’t about that. It’s about attention. Were the state to be partitioned, Buffalo would suddenly be the largest city in the state and the state would be represented by upstaters at every level of government. It’s why all of Western New York voted for a raging lunatic for governor in 2010. It obviously wasn’t about policy, or mental stability for that matter, it was about attention.
Now Yachter says that Cuomo is blowing us off because the Bills don’t matter to the state, because upstate doesn’t matter to the governor. This could be true; I’m not in the governor’s head. But I’ve said since 2010 that if I were Cuomo I’d punish Western New York for being so mind-numbingly idiotic in casting their ballots, and maybe this is something to that effect. The Bills aren’t going to pick up and leave in March whether Cuomo’s minions decide to sit down with the County and team or not. The guy is probably aiming to run for the White House in 2016 so why the fuck would he want a failure, any failure, let alone something as high profile as an NFL relocation to tarnish his record? He doesn’t need Erie County to win re-election; he needs to maintain the smooth ride the state has had for the last two years.
We’ve been down this road before. In fucking 1970, Ralph Wilson was threatening to move the team if they didn’t build him a new stadium. In the late 90’s he was threatening to move the team if the stadium didn’t get the upgrades it needed. Leases got done. Hours after Russ Brandon casually mentioned on WGR that it was the state that was being the dicks, Poloncarz and Brandon announce they’ve agreed in principle to a year’s extension. No one’s loading up the Mayflower trucks to ship off in the middle of the night.
Long story short, I’m optimistic. Does it suck to be in the unknown? Yes, but we’ve ALWAYS been in the unknown in one way or the other. It is what it is. I have a feeling we’re not going to know anything about the inner workings of this team’s future until Ralph is threatening to move heaven to North Dakota. In the meantime I look forward to shotgunning beers with the deeg this Sunday at the Ralph where we are 100% certain there will be NFL football.
Okay where were we…
Fuck This Clown.
(18) Florida at (23) Tennessee- Saturday, 6pm ESPN
I don’t know dick about either of these teams, but they have numbers in front of them so I feel this should be a game to keep tabs on. I thought Tennessee was destined to spend the rest of eternity being completely useless aside from producing fewer felons than Memphis. That said, college football is better with the Volunteers being good. The checkerboard end zones, one of the largest stadiums in the country, Knoxville is a place I would love to watch a football game. Probably won’t meet many MENSA members but they seem like people who would gladly offer you a sip of their homemade everclear.
(2) USC at (21) Stanford- Saturday, 7:30pm Fox
ZOMG Matt Barkley, you guys! Stop it. Why any self-respecting Bills analyst is wasting time scouting this guy is beyond me. We’re not finishing 1-15 and Barkley’s not sliding down to us like Grigorenko did with the Sabres. The Bills aren’t pulling an RGIII and offering up their draft for Barkley because we’re the Bills and that’s that. Matt Barkley’s the best quarterback in college football, be glad we’re getting the Cardinals out of the way this year because he’ll be throwing bombs to Fitzgerald for the following ten years. Watch him beat the piss out of Stanford with the enjoyment you get when you watch any other talented non-Bill play. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it more.
(20) Notre Dame at (10) Michigan State- Saturday, 8pm ABC
Notre Dame is good again? Or is this just one of those manufactured rankings designed to call all the annoying fair-weather Fighting Irish fans out of their caves? How much money in advertising dollars as NBC been losing by airing ND-Washington on national television these past couple years? I stopped watching Notre Dame after the Brady Quinn era and find it hard to believe they’re back. As for Michigan State, they have a wide open path to the Big Ten Championship since I’m pretty sure the only other eligible teams are Indiana, Wisconsin and the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles.
(25) BYU at Utah- Saturday, 10pm ESPN2
If you asked me to pick out from the week’s slate of games what the worst tailgate would be, it would be this one. The only way this could be less fun would be if it were at BYU. I can’t watch two teams from Utah play because I can’t get past what a pack of raging tools nearly everyone in attendance is. I have a feeling if you dropped a pack of twenty Bills tailgaters in the middle of the regulars before this game you could bring down the Mormon Church by halftime.
By the way, the honor code at BYU is fucking terrifying. I’d have been thrown out of school by the second day of classes. If you’re reading this, you’d probably be thrown out of school by the second day of classes. Take away alcohol, drugs, casual sex, AND iced tea!? You’re not left with college, you’re left with a fucking cult…actually, BYU makes sense when you put it that way.
With that ahead, enjoy all the games. Stay tuned for Scizz’s weekly Bills preview tomorrow and everyone consider themselves warned for the tornado of deeg goodness that’s coming to WNY this weekend. I’ll close with my personal Bills prediction of 13-10, Bills.
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
I don’t know dick about either of these teams, but they have numbers in front of them so I feel this should be a game to keep tabs on. I thought Tennessee was destined to spend the rest of eternity being completely useless aside from producing fewer felons than Memphis. That said, college football is better with the Volunteers being good. The checkerboard end zones, one of the largest stadiums in the country, Knoxville is a place I would love to watch a football game. Probably won’t meet many MENSA members but they seem like people who would gladly offer you a sip of their homemade everclear.
(2) USC at (21) Stanford- Saturday, 7:30pm Fox
ZOMG Matt Barkley, you guys! Stop it. Why any self-respecting Bills analyst is wasting time scouting this guy is beyond me. We’re not finishing 1-15 and Barkley’s not sliding down to us like Grigorenko did with the Sabres. The Bills aren’t pulling an RGIII and offering up their draft for Barkley because we’re the Bills and that’s that. Matt Barkley’s the best quarterback in college football, be glad we’re getting the Cardinals out of the way this year because he’ll be throwing bombs to Fitzgerald for the following ten years. Watch him beat the piss out of Stanford with the enjoyment you get when you watch any other talented non-Bill play. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it more.
(20) Notre Dame at (10) Michigan State- Saturday, 8pm ABC
Notre Dame is good again? Or is this just one of those manufactured rankings designed to call all the annoying fair-weather Fighting Irish fans out of their caves? How much money in advertising dollars as NBC been losing by airing ND-Washington on national television these past couple years? I stopped watching Notre Dame after the Brady Quinn era and find it hard to believe they’re back. As for Michigan State, they have a wide open path to the Big Ten Championship since I’m pretty sure the only other eligible teams are Indiana, Wisconsin and the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles.
(25) BYU at Utah- Saturday, 10pm ESPN2
If you asked me to pick out from the week’s slate of games what the worst tailgate would be, it would be this one. The only way this could be less fun would be if it were at BYU. I can’t watch two teams from Utah play because I can’t get past what a pack of raging tools nearly everyone in attendance is. I have a feeling if you dropped a pack of twenty Bills tailgaters in the middle of the regulars before this game you could bring down the Mormon Church by halftime.
By the way, the honor code at BYU is fucking terrifying. I’d have been thrown out of school by the second day of classes. If you’re reading this, you’d probably be thrown out of school by the second day of classes. Take away alcohol, drugs, casual sex, AND iced tea!? You’re not left with college, you’re left with a fucking cult…actually, BYU makes sense when you put it that way.
With that ahead, enjoy all the games. Stay tuned for Scizz’s weekly Bills preview tomorrow and everyone consider themselves warned for the tornado of deeg goodness that’s coming to WNY this weekend. I’ll close with my personal Bills prediction of 13-10, Bills.
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.
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