The Barrister
I just woke up. I remember something about Hoboken, a vagrant with a speech impediment and a Bills hat signed by Andre Reed, laughing at the bar as I came to terms with the supposed inevitability of a Bills loss, some masters of Dutch treats, Strongbow on tap, and friendship. The internet tells me that the Bills won a football game, but let's be real y'all ... that kind of nonsense fucks with our narrative and we all know that shit can't happen. Our narrative is sacrosanct. Our narrative is untouchable. It is rationally-developed and rock solid. Immovable. A thing with which one cannot, by definition, fuck.
Well, shit on a shingle, friends. Apparently pigs do fly.
I just woke up. I remember something about Hoboken, a vagrant with a speech impediment and a Bills hat signed by Andre Reed, laughing at the bar as I came to terms with the supposed inevitability of a Bills loss, some masters of Dutch treats, Strongbow on tap, and friendship. The internet tells me that the Bills won a football game, but let's be real y'all ... that kind of nonsense fucks with our narrative and we all know that shit can't happen. Our narrative is sacrosanct. Our narrative is untouchable. It is rationally-developed and rock solid. Immovable. A thing with which one cannot, by definition, fuck.
Well, shit on a shingle, friends. Apparently pigs do fly.
"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" - Saint Doug
Eat. My. Shorts.
This one felt really good, everyone. It was far from a complete effort and, sure, if we're being honest maybe the Bills should have won by ten or more given the kinds of opportunities afforded them by injuries on the other side of the ball, but come the fuck on. To watch the prevailing wisdom be so absolutely torn to pieces ... to watch the Bills win a game they're not supposed to win ... to watch Jay Cutler stare off into space as if just coming to terms with both his own mortality and his propensity to be an enormous cockbag in desperate need of a flamethrower enema ... it was all just so fucking sexy.
The reality, if I'm looking for it, is that this is a Bills team - at the moment - like all Bills teams of late: a team capable of winning one close game that they weren't supposed to sniff. This is a thing Bills teams do once or twice a year, mostly because the game of low expectations leads to the mathematical certainty that we'll be pleasantly surprised at some point. Our Bills have gotten so fucking good at looking incapable of winning football games that the world can't help but be surprised when they play sort-of-not-that-terrible and get a win in the face of widely-predicted oblivion.
The open question, then, is not "is this team capable of winning a close game on the road/against a better team/when the pundits say they won't?" The answer to that question is yes, just as it was yesterday and last year. That's the kind of thing the Bills do, though it never means a goddamn fucking thing come January. The open question today, and the only one any of us really care about, is "can they do that more often than not?" It's the question that has the potential of separating this team from all of the others that pulled off miracles in their own time ... separating them from that September of 2011, or any other time when we actually had a reason to cheer before the other shoe dropped. As of yet unanswered, it will determine whether this is yet another in a long line of meaningless moral victories within the journey of utterly shit seasons, or whether this is the year that an improbable early season win is the thing that makes all the difference.
For now, though, GET FUCKING LOUD. Our boys did some shit no rational person expected, they did it in all the ways we figured they wouldn't, and they gave us plenty of reasons to hope for the best, if only for one week.
THINGS I LIKED:
1. Erik Rodriguez Manuel, Jr.
You know, I kind of figured that after last season, even with the injuries and the missteps, that EJ had done enough to get the benefit of the doubt. The Panthers game had us all billieving with our pants down, the Jets game in Orchard Park had us giggling like infants, and in the midst of all of it there was enough promise to let us think that this player was, if not the real deal, a real enough deal to do some good for the team. His success gave us some palpable feels and things were, if just slightly, looking up. Fast-forward to preseason and the team looked terrible and everyone seemed to agree that EJ "clearly regressed" and last year's good will seemed to be lost.
For the record, we're all fucking awful and need to chill the fuck out. Leave it to Bills fans to breathlessly complain about the absurd nonsense that is preseason football and then proceed to flip the fuck out when our QB doesn't play well in games that don't count for anything. As the "best fans in the NFL," a league forever established as the crowned jewel in American sport's obsession with making everything way more complicated than it needs to be, it only makes sense that we'd work ourselves into such a frenzy of overreaction and nonsensical masturbatory pessimism about our team not winning preseason games. Good on us for embracing our neurosis and then, after embracing it, dry humping the neurosis while the last morsels of dignity ooze out with our vinegar strokes.
This one felt really good, everyone. It was far from a complete effort and, sure, if we're being honest maybe the Bills should have won by ten or more given the kinds of opportunities afforded them by injuries on the other side of the ball, but come the fuck on. To watch the prevailing wisdom be so absolutely torn to pieces ... to watch the Bills win a game they're not supposed to win ... to watch Jay Cutler stare off into space as if just coming to terms with both his own mortality and his propensity to be an enormous cockbag in desperate need of a flamethrower enema ... it was all just so fucking sexy.
The reality, if I'm looking for it, is that this is a Bills team - at the moment - like all Bills teams of late: a team capable of winning one close game that they weren't supposed to sniff. This is a thing Bills teams do once or twice a year, mostly because the game of low expectations leads to the mathematical certainty that we'll be pleasantly surprised at some point. Our Bills have gotten so fucking good at looking incapable of winning football games that the world can't help but be surprised when they play sort-of-not-that-terrible and get a win in the face of widely-predicted oblivion.
The open question, then, is not "is this team capable of winning a close game on the road/against a better team/when the pundits say they won't?" The answer to that question is yes, just as it was yesterday and last year. That's the kind of thing the Bills do, though it never means a goddamn fucking thing come January. The open question today, and the only one any of us really care about, is "can they do that more often than not?" It's the question that has the potential of separating this team from all of the others that pulled off miracles in their own time ... separating them from that September of 2011, or any other time when we actually had a reason to cheer before the other shoe dropped. As of yet unanswered, it will determine whether this is yet another in a long line of meaningless moral victories within the journey of utterly shit seasons, or whether this is the year that an improbable early season win is the thing that makes all the difference.
For now, though, GET FUCKING LOUD. Our boys did some shit no rational person expected, they did it in all the ways we figured they wouldn't, and they gave us plenty of reasons to hope for the best, if only for one week.
THINGS I LIKED:
1. Erik Rodriguez Manuel, Jr.
You know, I kind of figured that after last season, even with the injuries and the missteps, that EJ had done enough to get the benefit of the doubt. The Panthers game had us all billieving with our pants down, the Jets game in Orchard Park had us giggling like infants, and in the midst of all of it there was enough promise to let us think that this player was, if not the real deal, a real enough deal to do some good for the team. His success gave us some palpable feels and things were, if just slightly, looking up. Fast-forward to preseason and the team looked terrible and everyone seemed to agree that EJ "clearly regressed" and last year's good will seemed to be lost.
For the record, we're all fucking awful and need to chill the fuck out. Leave it to Bills fans to breathlessly complain about the absurd nonsense that is preseason football and then proceed to flip the fuck out when our QB doesn't play well in games that don't count for anything. As the "best fans in the NFL," a league forever established as the crowned jewel in American sport's obsession with making everything way more complicated than it needs to be, it only makes sense that we'd work ourselves into such a frenzy of overreaction and nonsensical masturbatory pessimism about our team not winning preseason games. Good on us for embracing our neurosis and then, after embracing it, dry humping the neurosis while the last morsels of dignity ooze out with our vinegar strokes.
We certainly didn't deserve the kind of calm, altogether decent performance that we got from our QB today. EJ was not great, and maybe it's up for debate as to whether he was good, but he quarterbacked the team to a win in Soldier Field and did so when fan opinion was largely united in derision for his quality. His teammates showed up for him in spades and even if that means scary moments like Woods making a bananas catch in order to cover up a bad throw from Manuel, they showed up for him all the same. As imperfect as they were, EJ's throws were worlds better than we saw over the past month of games that don't matter, and his higher quality was paired well with a game plan that worked. We didn't see an elite stat line, but we also didn't see a meager game manager. Manuel made plays at key times, he ran the read option well enough for it to be a useful weapon, and the issues with inaccuracy resulted in only one true mistake. Give me that every week, please.
2. Corey Graham.
Bruh. It's like you got held on that one play, your arm tugged down by the Bears receiver, and you took all the rage at not getting a call and focused it into fucking shit up all over the place. And not in the way that Leodis usually fucks shit up, either. Your interception was perfect, your coverage was gnarly as hell, and you were an all-around delight to the senses. Man of the Match for me.
3. That running game.
It is something we've come to depend on and today we weren't disappointed. Perhaps the only gripe is that Spiller still inexplicably insists on avoiding the holes in the line, but he still had 53 yards and his TD catch was a wonderful curbstomp following the Graham pick set up great field position. The 193 yards - ONE HUNDRED NINETY THREE OH MY LOINS - on the ground shows that the offensive line can get the job done. The Bears did us a solid by living up to their reputation and being pretty terrible against the run, but this is a Bills offensive line with a rookie right tackle and a lot of uncertainty as the season approached. Can't help but be optimistic about this phase of Buffalo's game every week.
THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE SO MUCH:
1. The officiating.
Well, maybe not the officiating so much as the NFL's rule book and asinine regulations regarding the myriad ways that a defensive back is not allowed to actually play football while trying to prevent catches. It's fucking maddening. I will never not feel like a petty turd when I complain about officiating, but I am pretty used to that feeling and the NFL is a godforsaken joke. That we watch such an unbelievably illogical sport with such deep devotion is an indictment of our character and our unshakeable desire for just one before we die.
2. Jay Cutler's stupid fucking face.
It was fun at the end, but up until the end I wanted to open up the Ark of the Covenant on Cutler's grill piece, and then after the elation of the win subsided I wanted to upperdeck his upper lip. In other words, the only thing that stops me from wanting to viciously sully Cutler's visage is watching the Bills viciously steal a game in his barn.
3. Feeling bad about cheering for Bears injuries. I can't help it, man. Jeffery and Marshall being sidelined after a week of hearing about how they're the best receiver tandem in the league was really great and helped the Bills win. Their pain, as it turned out, really worked out well for us and I really enjoyed that aspect of them getting hurt. I eagerly embrace the reality of our beloved bloodsport.
MUSIC FOR MY MOOD RIGHT NOW:
2. Corey Graham.
Bruh. It's like you got held on that one play, your arm tugged down by the Bears receiver, and you took all the rage at not getting a call and focused it into fucking shit up all over the place. And not in the way that Leodis usually fucks shit up, either. Your interception was perfect, your coverage was gnarly as hell, and you were an all-around delight to the senses. Man of the Match for me.
3. That running game.
It is something we've come to depend on and today we weren't disappointed. Perhaps the only gripe is that Spiller still inexplicably insists on avoiding the holes in the line, but he still had 53 yards and his TD catch was a wonderful curbstomp following the Graham pick set up great field position. The 193 yards - ONE HUNDRED NINETY THREE OH MY LOINS - on the ground shows that the offensive line can get the job done. The Bears did us a solid by living up to their reputation and being pretty terrible against the run, but this is a Bills offensive line with a rookie right tackle and a lot of uncertainty as the season approached. Can't help but be optimistic about this phase of Buffalo's game every week.
THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE SO MUCH:
1. The officiating.
Well, maybe not the officiating so much as the NFL's rule book and asinine regulations regarding the myriad ways that a defensive back is not allowed to actually play football while trying to prevent catches. It's fucking maddening. I will never not feel like a petty turd when I complain about officiating, but I am pretty used to that feeling and the NFL is a godforsaken joke. That we watch such an unbelievably illogical sport with such deep devotion is an indictment of our character and our unshakeable desire for just one before we die.
2. Jay Cutler's stupid fucking face.
It was fun at the end, but up until the end I wanted to open up the Ark of the Covenant on Cutler's grill piece, and then after the elation of the win subsided I wanted to upperdeck his upper lip. In other words, the only thing that stops me from wanting to viciously sully Cutler's visage is watching the Bills viciously steal a game in his barn.
3. Feeling bad about cheering for Bears injuries. I can't help it, man. Jeffery and Marshall being sidelined after a week of hearing about how they're the best receiver tandem in the league was really great and helped the Bills win. Their pain, as it turned out, really worked out well for us and I really enjoyed that aspect of them getting hurt. I eagerly embrace the reality of our beloved bloodsport.
MUSIC FOR MY MOOD RIGHT NOW:
We got some aquatic mammal motherfuckers to squish next week, kids. Get fucking loud and stay that way.
Smooches.
Smooches.
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