The Scizz
I'm back! Rising like a lost New York City pigeon from the ashes (or maybe sewage) of Hoboken, New Jersey to jump back on this awesome Bills bandwagon! What's that? The Bills are still a joke? Sooooo they didn't prove the intelligent fans wrong and make the kool-aid drinking mouthbreathers out to be the strong-willed geniuses they thought they were? Huh. Well ya look at that. Reality prevails! Although I guess I'll never be able to enjoy the day the Bills are actually good because of all my negativity. What a drag.
Moving on....
Has it really been since the week 8 bye that I've written a god damn Bills preview? Oops. Sorry about that, folks. Luckily my pals here picked up the slack while I was flooded/without power/without water/commuting 4 hours daily/having numerous panic attacks/getting drunk with family/not working out/stressing out over everything and just being a general head case. Yeah, it's been a rough month. JUST LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS!!! See how it all comes back together? I feel like a regular Billy Simmons over here! /shoots self in face with crossbow
Since I've been gone the Bills had a mostly embarrassing loss to a far superior Houston Texans, snatched defeat from the jaws of victory (again) against the Patriots, had a fairly exciting win over the Dolphins on primetime television (following which a fan was found dead close the the stadium... yikes) and then the Colts did the best they could to let the Bills win but still gave us yet another loss to stain the Bills' record, mostly due to the inane playing call of Chan Gailey, whose arrogance at this point reminds me of that 29 year old ex-frat boy who now bartends for a living while still drawing unemployment yet always acts superior to those around him and continues doing dumb shit while all of his friends have chosen to grow up (and this is coming from a guy who has a podcast called "The CrapTastiCast"). Chan KNOWS his play-calling and schemes don't work, yet week after week he continues to do the same thing with little to no adjustments. At least I'd say Wanny has the defense playing slightly better, but the offense? A complete joke that actually has some talent which teams with better records would kill for (I'm looking at you Pittsburgh).
Over it. 4 - 7 sucks, and of course the Bils will string three more wins together to keep the Bills mid-draft, allow Chan to keep his job, and keep "Billievers" crying out that this team was only "a few mistakes and plays away from the playoffs!" I know it's going to happen, you know it's going to happen, so what should we do??
Step One: Get drunk on whatever you can find.
After that, I have no fucking clue.
I'd say that I want the team to lose out in order to get the best draft pick possible, but I've never truly been able to do that. Deep down I want this team to win week in and week out, so I'll keep cheering, and when they win one of these god-forsaken games, I'll be thrilled for all of 10 seconds before I realize it just knocked us down another three spots on the draft board.
The saga continues, Wu-Tang, Wu-tang.
I'm back! Rising like a lost New York City pigeon from the ashes (or maybe sewage) of Hoboken, New Jersey to jump back on this awesome Bills bandwagon! What's that? The Bills are still a joke? Sooooo they didn't prove the intelligent fans wrong and make the kool-aid drinking mouthbreathers out to be the strong-willed geniuses they thought they were? Huh. Well ya look at that. Reality prevails! Although I guess I'll never be able to enjoy the day the Bills are actually good because of all my negativity. What a drag.
Moving on....
Has it really been since the week 8 bye that I've written a god damn Bills preview? Oops. Sorry about that, folks. Luckily my pals here picked up the slack while I was flooded/without power/without water/commuting 4 hours daily/having numerous panic attacks/getting drunk with family/not working out/stressing out over everything and just being a general head case. Yeah, it's been a rough month. JUST LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS!!! See how it all comes back together? I feel like a regular Billy Simmons over here! /shoots self in face with crossbow
Since I've been gone the Bills had a mostly embarrassing loss to a far superior Houston Texans, snatched defeat from the jaws of victory (again) against the Patriots, had a fairly exciting win over the Dolphins on primetime television (following which a fan was found dead close the the stadium... yikes) and then the Colts did the best they could to let the Bills win but still gave us yet another loss to stain the Bills' record, mostly due to the inane playing call of Chan Gailey, whose arrogance at this point reminds me of that 29 year old ex-frat boy who now bartends for a living while still drawing unemployment yet always acts superior to those around him and continues doing dumb shit while all of his friends have chosen to grow up (and this is coming from a guy who has a podcast called "The CrapTastiCast"). Chan KNOWS his play-calling and schemes don't work, yet week after week he continues to do the same thing with little to no adjustments. At least I'd say Wanny has the defense playing slightly better, but the offense? A complete joke that actually has some talent which teams with better records would kill for (I'm looking at you Pittsburgh).
Over it. 4 - 7 sucks, and of course the Bils will string three more wins together to keep the Bills mid-draft, allow Chan to keep his job, and keep "Billievers" crying out that this team was only "a few mistakes and plays away from the playoffs!" I know it's going to happen, you know it's going to happen, so what should we do??
Step One: Get drunk on whatever you can find.
After that, I have no fucking clue.
I'd say that I want the team to lose out in order to get the best draft pick possible, but I've never truly been able to do that. Deep down I want this team to win week in and week out, so I'll keep cheering, and when they win one of these god-forsaken games, I'll be thrilled for all of 10 seconds before I realize it just knocked us down another three spots on the draft board.
The saga continues, Wu-Tang, Wu-tang.
Now join me for some shitty analysis of this trash-bag football game against the Jacksonvillains. Yup. Said it. Totally regret it.
Keep me in the fucking game, CHAN!
Shitty Analysis:
Let's be as negative as possible. Instead of naming the three things this team needs to do to win this week, let's look at the three ways this team could very likely fail to win. This should be fun!
1. Keep Spiller to under 20 touches and on the sidelines during key plays. This formula keeps on working, so why change it? He is only one of the most explosive, game changing players in the league, so Gailey should probably keep benching him in the red zone and giving a few carries to Tashard Choice while the opposing defensive coordinators giggle like school girls on their sweet sixteen.
2. Make it obvious you are passing when it makes absolutely no sense. 2 and 7? Empty backfield with Dorin Dickerson as a wideout. 3rd and 1? No tight ends and only McIntyre in the backfield. THEY WILL BE SO CONFUSED JUST KIDDING THEY KNOW WHAT'S COMING OOOOOOOH 4TH DOWN.
3. Mike Mularkey will run at least three trick plays, two of which will go for big plays, if not touchdowns. We'll stop one in order to get Berls Mafia all hyped up, but the other two will probably be a reverse on a punt return for a TD and a triple flea-flicker for an 80 yard touchdown to some WR playing his first game. The Tealuminati take this round.
Let's be as negative as possible. Instead of naming the three things this team needs to do to win this week, let's look at the three ways this team could very likely fail to win. This should be fun!
1. Keep Spiller to under 20 touches and on the sidelines during key plays. This formula keeps on working, so why change it? He is only one of the most explosive, game changing players in the league, so Gailey should probably keep benching him in the red zone and giving a few carries to Tashard Choice while the opposing defensive coordinators giggle like school girls on their sweet sixteen.
2. Make it obvious you are passing when it makes absolutely no sense. 2 and 7? Empty backfield with Dorin Dickerson as a wideout. 3rd and 1? No tight ends and only McIntyre in the backfield. THEY WILL BE SO CONFUSED JUST KIDDING THEY KNOW WHAT'S COMING OOOOOOOH 4TH DOWN.
3. Mike Mularkey will run at least three trick plays, two of which will go for big plays, if not touchdowns. We'll stop one in order to get Berls Mafia all hyped up, but the other two will probably be a reverse on a punt return for a TD and a triple flea-flicker for an 80 yard touchdown to some WR playing his first game. The Tealuminati take this round.
There is no getting fired up this week, so here is a comedy album to download to make you laugh after the game.
Kyle Kinane - Death of the Party. If you aren't familiar with Mr. Kinane, immediately follow him on twitter and listen to as much of his comedy as possible. His bit about remembering the first shit he ever took in a bar never gets old. Once while listening to it on the drive home to Buffalo with Yachtsman and Apologist, we almost had to pull over because Yachter was laughing so hard and we could've died. Kinane also is one of the creators of "Porch Pizzas" which most normal people won't find funny, but may be be one of my favorite things of all time.
Random Buffalo Bill of the week:
First of all, I let me start by saying I love the Apologist. He has become one of my dearest friends over the past few years. He opened his home to me during the hurricane, has always been up for beers and shots, and even joined my fiancee and I for Thanksgiving at her family's place last week. He has also really stepped up his writing game while I've been on the blogosphere IR. However, when I read his last Bills preview, I did notice that he decided to place Travis Brown in the "random Buffalo Bill of the week" category, thus further proving that most of the writers for this site don't even read the stuff on this site. We are true professionals.
This week I picked Sheldon Jackson. A former 7th round pick and Cornhusker who played a mix of running back and tight end for the Bills from 1999-2001. He caught two touchdowns in his career, which I didn't believe could possibly be regular season until I confirmed on three different websites. That's the most research I've done on one of these previews since I found out Jon Nies modeled his penis.
He also liked to get his nails done before games, which current Bills player Shawne Merriman also likes to do, if only to strangle a small Asian woman afterwards.
Best Twitter Bills fan of the week:
@JustinBassett - This fine, young gentleman has really emerged from the Buffalo twitter world over this season. I had the pleasure of braving a snowstorm with Justin for the eventual postponed Red Bulls game a few weeks back, and amongst countless beers I can confirm he is a swell dude. He also reached out to me via twitter during the hurricane to see if I needed anything and still goes to McFaddens on Sundays for Bills games, which even alcoholics like the Deeg can't handle. Good on ya, Justin. I'm impressed.
Worst Twitter Person Ever:
@DarrenRovell - I try to ignore everything about this poor excuse for a man, but occasionally somebody RT's him into my feed. I'm not sure if it's for comedic purposed or not, but from now on that's the quickest way to an unfollow from me. Rovell is like Mike Harrington on a grander scale; Talentless, Arrogant, misinformed, and easily prone to forget about dumb shit he may have claimed even days earlier. Now he is heading to ESPN. Makes perfect sense. All I want for Christmas is Reilly, Simmons, King, Easterbrook, Bayless, Whitlock, and this toolbag stuffed in a van full of rabid raccoons, lit on fire, and then driven into the ocean. Too much? Ah, fuck it.
@JustinBassett - This fine, young gentleman has really emerged from the Buffalo twitter world over this season. I had the pleasure of braving a snowstorm with Justin for the eventual postponed Red Bulls game a few weeks back, and amongst countless beers I can confirm he is a swell dude. He also reached out to me via twitter during the hurricane to see if I needed anything and still goes to McFaddens on Sundays for Bills games, which even alcoholics like the Deeg can't handle. Good on ya, Justin. I'm impressed.
Worst Twitter Person Ever:
@DarrenRovell - I try to ignore everything about this poor excuse for a man, but occasionally somebody RT's him into my feed. I'm not sure if it's for comedic purposed or not, but from now on that's the quickest way to an unfollow from me. Rovell is like Mike Harrington on a grander scale; Talentless, Arrogant, misinformed, and easily prone to forget about dumb shit he may have claimed even days earlier. Now he is heading to ESPN. Makes perfect sense. All I want for Christmas is Reilly, Simmons, King, Easterbrook, Bayless, Whitlock, and this toolbag stuffed in a van full of rabid raccoons, lit on fire, and then driven into the ocean. Too much? Ah, fuck it.
Predictions:
I haven't done this in awhile, and I actually wasn't too bad at it for the most part. Then again, I'm an idiot who writes for this blog instead of doing something productive like cleaning the windows in my apartment, so i guess I have a little time on my hands to make this fairly accurate.
Top Stat line of the week: C.J. Spiller – 15 Carries 102 yards 1 TD, 2 catches 24 yards
Spiller will go strong once again, and while I'm totally fine to 10 - 12 carries from Fred Jackson, any carries given to anyone else on this team will be met with utter disdain and anger from me. Also, why the fuck is Spiller not being used more in the passing game??? We all have to accept that Chan is going to have Fitz air it out waaaay for than he should, so why not have Spiller involved more? Guh, I hate this team.
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Leodis McKelvin - Burned over and over again. At least once for a touchdown and a few more times for big plays.
I know bad coverage isn't really a stat line (although it somehow should be), but rumor has it Leodis is moving back to the slot this week since Justin Rogers has been channeling his best Aaron Williams. Since Leodis has accepted his role as pure return man and back-up corner, he hasn't played so bad, but now put into the role he was always SUPPOSED to play, I'm expecting him to fail miserably. This is what I've become.
Potential Jaguars Injuries of the week:
Chad Henne - Miami flashbacks
Mike Mularkey - Buffalo flashbacks
Maurice Stovall - Catholic Guilt
Kyle Bosworth - Fate
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
Tavaris Jackson - Self-inflicted Amnesia
Ryan Fitzpatrick - Vertigo
Eric Wood - Muffin Top
Drunkest Deeg Member of the Week:
I'm probably going to take shit for this, but I'm scrapping the "DDMOTW" as nobody in the world has come to call it. The last few weeks I've barely interacted with the Deeg, and until we get back on track with our regular drunken escapades, I'm giving up and suspending this part of the preview. Much like the Bills obviously gave up weeks ago.
Instead, I'm going to use this space to urge the rest of DGWU to get the band back together next Sunday as the Bills play the powerhouse known as the St. Louis Rams. We probably won't pay much attention to the game, but there are too many awesome Holiday beers that need consumption, so let's get on it.
Overall Score: Chad Henne 'fo life ya'll!
Jacksonville 27 - Buffalo 13
-@TheScizz
Somebody randomly e-mailed this to me. I'm not sure if it was a joke or not. Enjoy.
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