THE TAKING OF THE BUFFALO METRO RAIL

The Scizz

Tuesday, May 26th 8:37 AM , Buffalo Metropolitan Transportation Center

Walter Garbinski enters transit headquarters for what he assumes will be another slow day.  As he sits at his post, monitoring the Buffalo Metro Rail, he notices the train has made an unscheduled stop between Fountain Plaza and Lafayette Square.

Garbinski:  Attention, Buffalo Metro, why have you stopped?  

BANG!!!

Garbinski:  What was that??  I repeat to the operator of the Buffalo Metro, why have you stopped?

Mr. Blue:  The conductor has been replaced.  You are now speaking with Mr. Blue.  Who am I speaking with?

Garbinski:  This is Walter Garbinski, Metro Rail Line Coordinator.  Who is this?

Mr. Blue:  You will refer to me as Mr. Blue.  Listen carefully.  Myself, as well as Mr. Grey and Mr. Green have taken over the Buffalo Metro Rail.  We are armed, dangerous, and have taken every passenger on this train hostage.  The city of Buffalo must pay us one million dollars per passenger, or they will each pay the ultimate price.  Understand?

Garbinski:  Uh... so they will have to live in downtown Niagara Falls?

Mr. Blue:  Exact... wait, what?  No!  We will kill them!

Garbisnki:  Obviously you have never been to downtown Niagara Falls.  And what's with the Reservoir Dogs rip-off?  Is Steve Buscemi there?

Mr. Blue:  No!  He was Mr. Pink, you idiot!  FUCK!  Did you hear me???  WE ARE GOING TO KILL EVERY PASSENGER ON THIS TRAIN UNLESS YOU PAY US ONE MILLION DOLLARS FOR EACH ONE!

Garbinski:  For each one of YOU?  Or each passenger?

Mr. Blue:  FOR EACH PASSENGER, YOU DUMBASS!!  You think we would do all of this for three million dollars???

Garbinski:  Alright, alright. Calm yourself down, Mr. Blue Balls.  How many passengers are there on the train?

Mr. Blue:  One moment, Walter.  Come in Mr. Grey, how many passengers have we counted?

Mr. Grey:  Um.  Just two, sir.

Mr. Blue:  Just 2??  Have you checked the other cars???

Mr. Grey:  Other cars?  There are only two cars on this whole line, sir.  The one you are in only had the operator... who you already shot.  And there are two in this other car.  A homeless guy who appears to be pissing on himself.  And some guy wearing an old, faded #11 Rob Johnson Bills jersey.  And no, they are not the same person.

Mr. Blue:  WHAT???  WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL OF THE PASSENGERS???

Garbinski:  Apparently, Mr. Blue, you are not familiar with our Metro system.  That's just slightly above our daily train average of 1.8 riders.

Mr. Blue:  FUCK!  See, Mr. Green?  I told you we should have done this in Cleveland!  We were expecting at least 250 million out of this heist!

Mr. Grey:  Mr. Green left, sir.

Mr. Blue:  What do you mean he left?

Mr. Grey:  He left.  The homeless guy smells like polish sausage covered in shit, and this guy in the jersey won't shut the fuck up.  So he left.

Mr. Blue:  FUCK-TASTIC!  I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!

Garbinski:  Uh... are you guys done?

Mr. Blue:  I  WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!  GOT IT, WALTER?

Garbinski:  Will you stop yelling at me?!?  I have been spending this whole time getting you a counter offer.  We'll give you 80.

Mr. Blue:  80 million?  I suppose we can still make a deal after all, Walter.

Garbinski:  HAHAHAHAHA! 80 million?  For a homeless guy and some douche wearing a Rob Johnson jersey?  No way.  80 bucks.  Take it or leave it.  By the way, have I mentioned that your name is making me thirsty?

Mr. Blue:  80 dollars?  Did you hear me say we will kill these two men??

Mr. Grey:  Sir.  I'm sorry to interrupt.  But I thought you might wanna know that the guy in the jersey actually IS Rob Johnson.

Rob Johnson:  What up, brah?  You holdin' the whiz kid, Cali supahstah hostage for the big dolla's?  Yo, you know what your doin' brah.  They love me here in the 'Lo brah.  I'm a supahstah!  Wanna see my Super Bowl ring brah?  Robbie Jo-Jo in the house fo sho!!!

BANG!

Mr. Blue:  What was that???

Mr. Grey:  Sorry, sir, I couldn't take it.  Have you actually seen this douchebag in person?  It was either him or me.

Mr. Blue:  DAMNIT! DAMNIT! DAMNIT!  NOW WE ONLY HAVE ONE HOSTAGE!!!

Garbinski:  No, it's cool, guys. You did us a favor.  He has been riding the train like that for the last seven months scaring people.  We'll give you 80 bucks, a coupon for lunch at Jim's Steakout, and two tickets to the Bisons game tonight, for the homeless guy and to let us start running the train again.

Mr. Blue:  This is fucking ridiculous.  Listen Garbinski, we want at least 100 dollars, coupons for Mighty Taco, and two tickets to the Bills opening home game.  Got it??

Mr. Grey:  Mr. Blue, is this a bad time to mention that the homeless guy is actually Vincent Gallo?

Mr. Blue:  WE'LL TAKE IT!  WE'LL TAKE THE DEAL!!!

Line goes dead. No answer.

Mr. Blue:  HELLO?  HELLO, GARBINSKI?  Hello?  Fuck.



(DGWUS Super Special Fun Fact:  Despite making fun of the Buffalo Metro Rail, it actually had 6,860,000 riders last year.)