Dear God Why Us Sports
"You are a complete embarrassment to anyone legitimately trying to blog.
You're gonna ruin it for everyone else. Keep it up." - Mike Harrington, TBN
  • Blog
  • The Deeg Podcast Industries
  • Mission Statement
  • Contributors

Sabres Social Media > Sabres Hockey Team? Plus: DEATH POOL DRAFT BREAKDOWN

2/5/2014

5 Comments

 
The Outlander

It seems it’s been awhile. I wish I had a good excuse but I don’t. I got a new laptop, I have literally all hours of the day to write these days, and with a new GM, tank watch, a thrilling EPL season, the ridiculously overwrought freakout about Pettine’s departure and the my hatred for John Scott, there really isn’t a shortage of topics. What there has been is a shortage of interest. When one is unemployed, whether the Sabres get to 29th or 30th place really loses its status on the list of concerns. Of course, it’s times like this where sports serve one of their best roles, one of distraction. Really, if one is going to be unemployed, being so while your baseball team is in the playoffs and the Olympics are some eight time zones away are about as good of times as one could imagine. But first, some sports takes need to be voiced.

I don’t follow the twitter accounts of other NHL teams, for a couple reasons. First, I don’t watch other teams play hockey unless it relates to me as a Sabres fan. For many years this meant “hey, this team is on the bubble too,” or “this could be an ECF opponent,” or “let’s see how the west is doing JUST IN CASE.” So no, I don’t care what the Kings, or the Sharks, or Blue Jackets, or the Panthers twitter is saying. It’s irrelevant to me and occasionally annoying because it’s usually a subtle way of someone saying “I’m a better hockey fan than you because SEE!?!?” Maybe you are, but I’m a Sabres fan. Shut up and go away. However, there is a narrative I have learned from these people, many friends, who do follow some or even all the NHL teams on social media: we suck at it.

Picture
As usual, higher billing given to the shittier player
I’m not a social media expert. I know what I find annoying, I know what I like, and naturally I gravitate towards people who like and don’t like similar things as me. Here’s what I also know. John Scott sucks at hockey, period. Mike Weber sucks at hockey, period. Cody McCormick probably still sucks at hockey, period. Marcus Foligno is a great idea, but when you’re relegated to the fourth line on this team, probably less great as a hockey player. The Buffalo Sabres are a hockey team in the NHL, one that presumably tries to win every time they’re on the ice (shut the hell up about the merits of that, I’ll be with you in a minute). They’re really bad at that, the worst in the league, even. So why in the living fuck do the Sabres social media people insist on talking about these worthless players?

Well, we know why. The Sabres social media and fan outreach folks are doing what Buzzfeed, Upworthy, Huff Post since it got terrible, and most other outlets on television and the internet do. They reach out to the lowest common denominator, or as Richard Nixon called them, the Silent Majority. Of course the Silent Majority are comprised largely of a brainless clump of folks who just love Storage Wars and Springsteen and god and guns and think bullying is just a part of growing up and why can’t we have a white history month too!? They’re also TBN’s wheelhouse, whiner line callers, and the idiots on that “we love Steve Ott GO SABRES” commercial. They’re the ones who favorite Marcus Foligno pictures and buy “BIG JOHN” shirtsies. So what do the Sabres tweet about? John Scott practice goals and Marcus Foligno’s uncle.  The nuanced fans, the fans who know the game best, who love the team for the team, not for some big doofus whose appeal is that HE’S SO BAD BUT HE’S BIG AND TRYING SO IT’S CUTE RIGHT, these are the fans forgotten in this whole thing.

Maybe if the team was able to give a wink to the sheer hilarity of their ineptitude, to the predicament we all as fans find ourselves in together, the online interaction could be a bright spot. But some people are just so desperate for positive reinforcement, they’ll cater it from whomever offers it, even if that so happens to be teenage girls and middle aged dads who only discovered the team through those very same teenage daughters. These are the same people that claim America’s health care is the best in the world, that we’re the shining light on a hill, that our military causes are always just and the casualties always necessary. The one’s who get bent out of shape about a commercial featuring different languages, that claim god must exist because golly-gee that sunset is so purdy. These people live in a world of denial, just as anyone who pushes John Scott to the fans is in denial about the state of him or of the team he plays for.

How to fix it? I don’t know, I’m an unemployed JD, not a fucking social media manager. I know it’s more than tailoring to a different audience, it’s changing your entire goddamn outlook. You shouldn’t be Kenneth on 30 Rock all the time. Some things suck, it happens, and regarding this team, almost everything regarding the current situation sucks more than anything has sucked before, to steal from the Beavis and Butthead movie. But I know the one thing that doesn’t suck- the prospects, the future- is never fucking discussed. This may be because the puck bunnies and grit-obsessed cementheads don’t know or care who JT Compher or Jake McCabe are, but when they play on national television, I shouldn’t be stumbling upon their game by fucking accident. The Amerks are hot, but I know that only through the Amerks social media and the feeds of my friends that have the opportunity to follow them closer than I. The Sabres are telling us to like the very things that are part of the reason the team is so shitty, not the reasons the team won’t be so shitty quite soon. I know that’s a strategy the intelligent minority doesn’t appreciate. Not discussing the prospects or the fact that the future lasts longer than "GOOD SEATS STILL AVAILABLE" simply creates dumber fans and the perpetual cycle of whiner line callers, TBN sheep, Cody McCormick truthers will continue on forever. Which is sad for anyone who enjoys watching and discussing this team, but is at least a boon for pushing merch RIGHT NOW. Not hard to see where the priorities lie.

Of course the nuanced fans aren’t free from the grips of being yammering tools now and again. Let me say this again: yes, the Sabres losses are good for the draft, I want to be at the top of the draft, I fucking get it, and you’re not wrong. What is stupid, what is really, extremely grating and off-putting, is anyone cheering losses. “Well, one step closer to Ekblad,” is another thing from “Gotta hope [Team X] comes back in the third!” when the Sabres are winning. Fuck you, no I don’t have to hope for that. The draft is the reward for being shitty, and in case you haven’t noticed, this team can’t win! What, you’re concerned for a five game win streak coming out of their ass? Have you SEEN them playing this season? How they have 15 wins is remarkable and half of them can be explained simply by “they scored a goal they had no business scoring.” I can root for them to win tonight because they probably won’t and they probably won’t tomorrow. Because can you imagine what this team is going to look like after Miller and Moulson are gone?  Jesus, go back to being a fan for a couple months, it won’t hurt you or make you an idiot, I promise. And if it does make you an idiot, well at least the Sabres store has BIG JOHN shirts in stock.
Picture
This time of the year is a goddamn black hole for sports. I care about exactly 1.5 college basketball teams (Bonas and half of Syracuse), football is over and draft conversations are insufferable, baseball isn’t here yet and while the Premier League, Champions League and FA Cup are all in full swing, those games are not on as often,  or covered as much around here, as one would like. Believe me, I could do a weekly blurb about my annoyance or overconfidence regarding Manchester City, but since Liverpool dominates our readership by a lot, that seems rather unnecessary. I will say, if you are just starting to get into Euro footy, look into catching an International Champions Cup match this summer. I know I’ll be heading to Pittsburgh to see City take on AC Milan and drink a lot outdoors on a summer day that seems decades away as I watch yet another storm accumulating snow on my balcony. That’s what also makes the impeding start of baseball seem foreign while the Winter Olympics seem right on time. So much early morning hockey and bobsled, I can’t wait.

Meanwhile it appears our local columnists and other media persionalities of varying influence are filling the void by making themselves national embarrassments, which is normally fine since we've been in on this joke long before, but for the fact it really makes us look bad too. I mean there's many reasons we should look bad, not confined to the silent majority referred to above, but also including the ones who cried over the departure of a one-year coordinator for a 6-10 team
, and the asshole on twitter with the Andrew Peters avatar. No, things like WGR sending a reporter to the introductory press conference for the Cleveland Browns coach is pretty sad, a morning show guy saying he doesn't care and it doesn't matter who the Sabres General Manager is, is pretty sad, and just generally being a terrible white male is pretty sad too. But that's all been covered, and frankly who has the time to dedicate to calling out the woefully inept print and radio guys? I suppose we could copy and paste old posts, but that's Bucky's thing, not ours.

So how should we pass the time?

Death Pool? Death Pool.
Odds are, at least if you’re an adult, you don’t need me to tell you the world is a scary place. As a kid I was fascinated with natural disasters (not the wrestling duo); I made a rudimentary scrapbook about the 1989 San Francisco earthquake and watched every documentary, read every book covering any volcanic eruption, train derailment, blizzard, earthquake and plane crashes that I could find (thank goodness this was pre-internet). Perhaps unsurprisingly this makes for an anxiety-riddled adulthood with a lot of drinking in airport bars before traveling.

As an adult I’m afraid of pretty much everything. Heights, flying, mass shootings, distracted drivers, train derailments, the supervolcano under Yellowstone, random cardiac arrest, gamma ray bursts, avalanches, bridge collapses, swine flu, you name it. I once smelled a skunk coming home from work and refuse to jog after dark because I’m sure I’ll cross paths with it. Of course, worrying about these things is just a waste of one’s time since pretty much all of them can’t be prevented and if you believe everything that happens is just randomness and chance with no meaning or purpose like me, and you ever want to leave the house again, you have to at least subdue those concerns. Sports are one, embracing and mocking the fear of death is the other. What you get when you combine these two is what is simply known as the Death Pool.

For several years now, six of my friends from high school have done a death pool draft. I’ve always been aware of it, and having played fantasy baseball with a few of these guys and attending Super Bo- err, “BIG GAME” parties with them, I could only assume it was taken seriously. However, I’ve never done a death pool, and having not written in awhile and being all sports-ed out this winter, I asked one of my buddies to pull back the curtain and give me access to the draft, the formatting, with the promise that I would write about it. Now, this was about a month ago so I certainly dragged my feet on my part of the bargain, but after looking over the teams I realized “holy shit, a lot of these people could kick the bucket any minute!” Plus, in a world where one can’t go to a fucking mall or a college campus without worrying that someone with an automatic rifle is going to gun you down, what better way to shake off the anxiety of life by poking fun/analyzing the death chances of celebrities!?

Basically, these six guys get around every year near the holidays for a six round draft of celebrities of any type. Five of the rounds are a free for all, while the last round is a “wild card” round where all the players taken have to fit with a certain theme. Each team is allowed one keeper from the previous year’s “team.” Previous “winners” include Michael Jackson, Liz Taylor, Dennis Hopper and Whitney Houston. For 2013, no one selected dropped, so the pool carries over to 2014. Also, first death wins; it doesn’t matter if your whole slate dies during the year, whoever loses a player first wins the whole thing. Despite the fact that I couldn’t even tell you the jobs of some of these guys, I let them pick their own aliases (a couple of which were lame and I changed, sorry dudes). The draft had a snake format, so below I’ve listed the first round draft order along with their keeper.
PictureStrongest Keeper on the Board
1)  Big Country: George H.W. Bush. Strong keeper choice. Given the picture that the Texans posted recently of the 41st President with notorious snake in the grass and colossal waste of everyone’s time Bill O’Brien,  this guy could go tomorrow. Then again he could go skydiving tomorrow as well.

2)  Rat Tail: Bobby Brown. This is a weak keeper in my opinion. Really I’d pick not him but Whitney’s daughter to go first, of course I have very rudimentary knowledge of my celebrity culture, not to mention that previous winners were always celebrities, two of whom dropped out of semi-nowhere.

3)  Marty McFly: Muhammad Ali
. I don’t know much about his current state aside from alive. What I do know is that I’ve heard him speak maybe three words on camera in the last twenty-five years and he was a husk of himself lighting the Olympic flame in 1996.

4)  Dean Keaton: Judge Wapner. I know, I thought he was dead a long time ago too. This is the second best keeper on the list behind the last guy. He’s been retired since I was around eight, and was born during the Woodrow Wilson administration. Could he stay put another year? How the fuck should I know, I thought he died in the nineties or something.

5)  Balls Deep: Keith Richards. Keith Richards isn’t going to die. Ever. This is like making Ville Leino one of the Moe’s hot players of the game. You just know your odds of getting half off your burrito the next day dropped by a third. This is also a prime example of the gamblers fallacy at work. I’m guessing my friend “Tony” here justified his pick by saying “well, he should have died every year since 1975 so it has to happen eventually!” Wrong. The Super Bowl coin toss landed on heads for some 15 years in a row, and is a “favorite” on this week’s prop bets because people can’t do math. This is like that.

6)  Brown Bear: Ralph Wilson. Every decent person in Pakistan ends up getting murdered before they make it to 50, yet this piece of shit is still “alive.” This is easily one of the three most hated people in the draft, and one whose death would most help this area. Questionably I will be rooting for Brown Bear based on this choice alone, and if you find that not cool, you’re reading a draft recap on a fucking death draft, go read Bleacher Report if you want to feel better about yourself.


PictureAging Commie's are always strong choices
Round 1:

1)  BC: Nancy Reagan. Strong pick. She’s really old and frail. Of course she’s got access to top notch healthcare and there’s a chance the Koch brothers will single-handedly pay to keep her alive so they can drag her to one of the 2016 GOP debates and prop her up so some gremlin like Rand Paul or Ted Cruz can get their pictures taken with her.

2)  RT: Courtney Love. I feel like if you accidentally rubbed up against her you’d need to be scrubbed down with a firehouse and one of those brushes they use to clean elephants. Apparently she isn’t dead yet, but I think this is a strong pick. Of course, I would have thought it was a stronger pick in 1998.

3)  MM: Fidel Castro. Love this pick. I mean, he’s so old that even his younger brother is too old to run Cuba anymore. No one’s seen him in what, a year? Like Ralph Wilson, he issues the occasional statement here or there which no one can really use to confirm his existence because if he was really healthy and lucid they’d be issuing pictures of him simply for propaganda. It’s why we didn’t see any pictures of Margaret Thatcher for the last five years; no one wanted to acknowledge that the monster was spending her days pruning hedges without the slightest clue who the fuck she was.

4)  DK: Jimmy Carter. Not a terrible pick, but a bit of a reach given your one year window. Sure, the thirty-ninth President is up there in years, but he has a fairly healthy schedule, no major health scares and seems to have always kept a healthy lifestyle.

5)  BD: Kim Jong Un. I would have had him as third most-hated on the draft board below Ralph, but executing your ex-girlfriend and uncle PLUS HIS ENTIRE FAMILY is pretty cold stuff. Not to mention executing some three dozen nationals who were found to be starring in porn that was being sold on the black market in China. However, I have to respect the leader of any country that landed on the Sun. In all seriousness though, who the hell is going to fuck with this guy? He’s under thirty, his country might as well be on fucking Neptune for all its connection to reality, and his citizens think he is literally a God. All we know is his uncle seemed to want to get rid of him and that didn’t exactly get as far as Operation Valkyre. Poor pick for a despot.

6)  BB: Yogi Berra. Not bad, but isn’t he still doing commercials and interviews and shit? Of course, he was born in the goddamn Coolidge administration so even if you’re getting out of the house for promotional activities, you can’t avoid the grim reaper forever.

Round 2

1)   BB: John Madden.
Not as old as one would think given his jabbering nonsense that we’ve sat through the last twenty or so years. Plus, this guy seems pretty risk adverse. I mean, hating flying to the point that you drive on a bus for decades? I mean I HATE flying to the point that I usually dropped some sixty bucks at airport bars before every flight, but I’d never sacrifice the chance to see Europe again, or travel any of the myriad of places I’d like to see. I’m guessing Madden is the type that bubble wraps every sharp corner in the house just in case he falls. Plus, perhaps he just retired because he didn’t feel like doing it anymore? I’d much rather have that than some idiot like Mccarver hanging on for an extra decade solely to destroy his once strong career as a broadcaster. Plus, Madden sucked enough, could we really deal with him right now? No.

2)  BD: Carrot Top. I like this pick. Seems like someone about to go all Lyle Alzado/Len Bias on us.

3)  DK: Bob Barker. One of the many people in the draft that made me say “Fuck I better get on this post before someone dies and the whole thing is moot.” Also, if you asked me before the draft if Barker was dead or alive, I’d have probably said dead with sixty percent confidence. That’s got to be the sign of a good pick.

4)  MM: Queen Elizabeth. I’m not sure about this. With such a cushy lifestyle, the Queen’s almost 88 years have to be more like seventy. I mean, this isn’t like the Tudors when the Queen actually did anything. What does she do aside from wave, play with her dogs, and look like the most miserable person to ever be goddamn royalty? I don’t like this pick, the only way she goes is if Charles gets fed up of waiting to be king and just offs her himself, gets back to the real 17th and 18th century brand of succession.

5)  RT: Lamar Odom. This is just, I don’t know, this is a terrible pick. So he’s a crazy attention-seeking drug addict? How many of them were available in the draft that were in way worse shape financially and physically? A lot I’m guessing. The wild card here is always self-harm and I suppose Odom could be strong choice for that, but otherwise, I’m at a loss for making this pick at all, let alone in the second round. Then again, Rat Tail may be up on the tabloids more than me and know something I don’t, which is possible.

6)  BC: Larry King. So old, but someone who still has the energy and lucidity to get divorced has to have more time ahead, right? I mean, if I was that age, I’d be happy to have the company of anyone that could stand me and resign myself that grim death came with the daily cost of living. Meanwhile he’s raising kids, doing stupid infomercials, the occasional actual interview, the guy is a freak of nature. He certainly could go, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he outlasts everyone on Big Country’s team.
Picture
Honestly this was going to be a picture of Carrot Top but they were all too frightening. Seriously, google him, it's terrible
Round 3

1)   BC: Aretha Franklin. Totally thought she was dead until I saw the draft. Of course she recently said something about none of the current crop of divas being worthy of the title, which I didn’t know was a title to be taken with pride.

2)   RT: Ric Flair. ANOTHER one I thought was already dead. Personally, I’d rather we lose the Bruins Ric Flair goal celebration than the actual wrestler, plus this seems to be a gut pick. With so many dead wrestlers from the era, Flair has to be going soon, right? Plus, the guy is broke, a raging lunatic who could die in pretty much any manner and wouldn’t elicit surprise. Industrial meat grinder accident straight out of “The Jungle?” That sounds about right.

3)  MM: Pope Benedict. He was old when he was named Pope, he’s old now. But as touched on before, this is a world that seems to reward the most corrupt and evil among us with longer time on earth.  So I’d say for all his Nazi sympathizing, pedophilia defending, gay bashing, women hating antics, he’ll be sitting in that nice palace of his ensconced in velvet into the 2020’s.

4)  DK: TRADED to MM for MM’s fourth round pick: MM had his guy on the board and wanted the pick, so a trade was hastily made so Marty could grab both out of work despots, the former pope and Dick Cheney. While this war criminal is likely confined to this continent in order to avoid getting dragged in front of The Hague, he’s been made approximately 40% cyborg from his years of heart surgeries that only the best blood money can buy. I actually look forward to his death to see all the coverage skew respectful, refer to him as a “dutiful public servant” or some shit, brushing over the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people by calling him “tenacious” and “hard-nosed.” Even the UK was able to acknowledge that Thatcher’s legacy was muddied at best, tyrannical and oppressive at worst, but there’s no way our media will even go that far. Really it’ll be more like the Sabres twitter account offering up hot takes about John Scott because his shittiness is supposed to be endearing, cute as opposed to what it really is, a fucking embarrassment to the organization and all of its fans. Whoops, we covered that already, didn't we?

5)   BD: Lil' Wayne.  I only see two schools of thought behind this pick. First, Balls knows something I don’t about Mr. Wayne’s drug and/or criminal history that would make him susceptible to death in any number of ways. Second, he just hates Lil Wayne. My guess is a little bit of both. I mean, Lil Wayne’s existence is pretty irritating, and with six picks and a keeper, one can take a luxury in the same way I like drafting at least one or two Red Sox players for fantasy baseball.

6)   BB: Verne Troyer.
I hate reality tv, which shouldn’t really be news to anyone who reads this or knows me in the slightest. I’ve softened a lot on my stubbornness and intolerance over the years, but I will still state unequivocally that if you enjoy any original show on TLC, History or A&E, you deserve to be treated as lesser than one who does not. That said, Mini Me getting shitfaced, naked, and urinating in the house on celebrity Real World or whatever the fuck it was, was one of those things that I remember watching quite vividly in high school or college. I mean, midgets have a tough go of things health-wise to begin with, so when they’re a train wreck on top of it that has to increase their chances of death by like four or five times. This is a smart pick.

PictureFourth round reach? Or easy money?
Round 4

1)   BB: Brian Wilson. Told he could choose between the pitcher or the Beach Boy, he went with the Beach Boy, which is probably the best call but only by a little bit. Pitcher Brian Wilson certainly blurs the line from “oh he’s just an eccentric closer” and “wait I think something’s seriously wrong with this guy.” I don’t know shit about the Beach Boys, and little about music in general. Seriously, I have one friend who will occasionally drop a band on me, but other than that every single band I have found in the past five years I’ve come across due to Pandora, iTunes Radio, or the only non-shitty music stations, which are ALWAYS located in Canada because the Buffalo stations either play crap for high schoolers or crap for our parents. Seriously, enough with AC/DC and Guns N’ Roses, they sucked then, they suck now. The Buffalo Edge station used to play shit like The Sheila Divine and it was fucking terrific and now they play Hells Bells fifteen times a day because every listener is like my stepdad’s racist brother with the motorcycle. Get a good fucking radio station, Buffalo. Anyways, I don’t have any analysis on this choice.

2)   BD: Nick Nolte.
  My only question here is why pick Nolte when you have Gary Busey on the board? They’re the same person, except one is crazier and far more likely to end up getting mauled to death by Coyotes while on an acid trip in the desert. I guess the only thing is maybe Busey is still making money off his crazy? I don’t know, this just seems like drafting Kenneth Davis when Thurman is on the board.

3)   DK: Clint Eastwood.
I have to think this pick isn’t made without Eastwood’s stellar appearance at the 2012 RNC. I can’t remember the last time someone with that kind of credibility and respect revealed himself to be your crazy great-uncle. I hope this doesn’t happen, not just because it’s hard to hate Clint Eastwood, but the last thing we need is a bunch of “death of men being men” articles popping up everywhere some hack gets paid to ramble about the pussification of America to their readership of angry white guys.

4)   DK: (From MM): Louie Anderson. Interesting pick. Also, surprisingly not dead already. This is what I like about death pools, how do these guys even know to pick these guys? The research has to be at least respectable, as I haven’t heard about Louie Anderson is half a decade at least, yet here he is. I just shrug and say “yeah, I could see that happening,” which is probably all you want in the fourth round.

5)   RT: Rob Ford. On a scale of 1-10, how insane would the Rob Ford story be if it ends with him dead in 2014? The craziest political story of the modern age? The past scandals, Watergate, Lewinsky, these were things that were at least understandable. Nixon was a paranoid hatemonger so of course he orchestrated a break-in of democratic headquarters.  Clinton was the most powerful man in the world with the libido and restraint of a college freshman living away from home for the first time, so of course that happened. A crack addict alcoholic who orders the beating of his own brother-in-law, threatens reporters, associates with gang members, wears football jerseys as part of his daily routine, has to be pushing four bills and happens to be the elected leader of one of the largest cities on the continent? Then dies from what I speculate would be a) a heart attack, b) suicide or c) a criminal hit? The movie would be in production before he was in the ground. And I would watch/read every single piece that came out about it until the end of time. I like this pick because it would certainly cause the most “!!!!!!!!!!” tweets out of anyone on this list.

6)   BC: Don Shula. Old, but not that old. I have a feeling Shula’s stock here may have risen simply due to staying out of the public eye, much like Madden. We don’t hear much about Shula anymore but hell, retired people aren’t exciting or worth reporting on. Shula could be spending his days playing shuffleboard, working on his tan and ignoring calls from Mercury Morris for all we know.  This pick could go either way, just as picking any guy in his mid-eighties could go either way.

Round 5

1)   BC: Ozzy Osbourne. Reasoned, well thought out choice. Probably would have been more likely to happen while the show was on the air, but the guy’s brain scan has to resemble some combination of advanced CTE and a drug addict. Basically what swiss cheese looks like in cartoons. Unlike Keith Richards who can at least put together a coherent sentence, Ozzy has the intellectual abilities of a half empty water bottle with a bunch of cigarette butts in it. Great late round value pick.

2)   RT: Joan Rivers. Definitely one of the most grating people to be selected. Old, yet not too frail to stay away from a camera. Really, this is probably Rat Tail’s best bet on his squad, and that’s not a good sign.

3)   MM: Yoko Ono: Marty’s entire draft until this point had been public figures in the political/religious realm so he shook things up with the last pick before the wild card round. I don’t have any analysis here. She’s old, I guess, I hear about her once in a while, seems fine.

4)   DK: Betty White: I don’t know if she’ll ever die. She seems like one of those little old ladies you see on the news or in the paper on a slow news day when someone goes in to do a feature on her turning 109 or something. Those features always make me sad by the way because they’re invariably in some sad nursing home staring at tiny cake surrounded by like four “friends” who are really just nursing home neighbors. No thanks. But anyways, Betty seems to be churning out enough work and appearances to show her health to be in great shape regardless of age.

5)   BD: Justin Beiber. Now, when I looked over the results after the draft about a month ago I assumed this was just wishful thinking, a wasted pick, or most likely both, but given recent developments this pick looks great, albeit still a reach, a calculated one with high upside. He’s got the coin to stay out of jail, is facing charges in two countries, and has plenty of time to continue this downward spiral and raise the stakes. If there’s any time to actually use weed as a gateway drug, now’s the time. An affinity for drinking and driving? Always helpful, of course it’s usually the drunk driver that lives and his passengers or other driver that don’t make it. Would this be the best twitter day ever? Well no, Rob Ford’s already got that covered, but this would certainly be close. Great late pick.

6)   BB: Hugh Hefner. Like his keeper, Ralph Wilson, at a certain point you just got to pick someone and say “they got to die eventually.” Sure, on paper this works, but there have to be better candidates here than Hef. This guy has more to live for and has kept the least grueling lifestyle for the last five or six decades. Picture yourself being hit by a car and someone screaming at you to stay with them. What are you thinking about? Your tiny apartment? Your tiny paycheck? That person you love but who moved on? This guy is thinking about the collection of playmates waiting to bang him in his mansion! If anyone’s going to will themselves out of cardiac arrest someday, it’s him.
PictureAs annoying a fall presence as Matthew Berry
Wild Card Round (This year’s theme was “people who are known by their nicknames.”)

1)   BB: OJ Simpson. Great pick. Somehow the only person who gets fatter in prison, rumors of multiple diseases and declining health, plus the ever-present threat of getting shanked make this a strong choice.

2)   BD: William “The Refridgerator” Perry. Surprisingly not dead! Yes, he’s only 51, but I got Sports Illustrated throughout college and one of their annual “Where are they now” issues had a feature on Perry and it was one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. Depression, failing health, financial trouble, family issues, he couldn’t even travel to a reunion of the 1985 team. He’s a guy you want to root for to overcome the hard times he’s fallen on, but this is death pool and there is no room for sympathy in death pool.

3)   DK: Jack Nicklaus. I don’t get this and can only assume it was a panic pick made against the clock. He’s in great shape, still makes appearances and interviews, and I am sure will stay alive at least long enough to make sure Tiger Woods will never reach his mark of most majors in a career- something I know I’ll also be watching golf in enjoyment over for the next couple decades.

4)   MM: Mercury Morris. Really just figured Mercury was his real name but apparently it’s not. Far too annoying to die. The Dolphins celebrating their unbeaten season when the sport was completely different has become annoying enough it almost makes one with the Patriots had finished 19-0. Almost. Nothing would ever be as insufferable as the Patriots going 19-0, ever. Patriots talk is annoying enough every December and January and would be exponentially more insufferable if the Giants pulled the upset. When looked at that angle, really Mercury Morris is just fine. Keep doing your stupid ass champagne popping, which I am sure he will be doing well into the next decade or two.

5)   RT: The Situation.
I don’t know his real name and I don’t care enough to find out what it is. I know Jersey Shore was the worst hit show ever, especially as something that landed in the Zeitgeist during my time at Penn State. The amount of long island/jersey bros that emerged around our Central Pennsylvania campus was staggering. The only benefit was that while they waited outside in the snow to get into the two or three clubs, we were already four or five three dollar pitchers of Killian’s deep. While I am skeptical about this team, it’s definitely an easy one to root for.

6)   BC: Ickey Woods. I get all the late 80’s Bengals players accused of drug use or filing for bankruptcy mixed up so I actually hit Wikipedia for Ickey. Apparently he’s the head coach of the Cincinnati Sizzle, a team in something called the “Women’s Football Alliance,” which isn’t made up or a parent’s group trying to eliminate football from high school sports. If you move to Cincinnati and still find yourself there 26 years later, I question your financial security and ambition. I also question your ability to not want to kill yourself. In 2004 a bunch of friends and I took in a concert with a bunch of bands off Drive Thru Records that took place in Cincinnati. We stayed across the river in Covington, Kentucky and before we found our hotel we found a covered up body in the street. I’ve applied to jobs everywhere and would really work anywhere in this country for the right price, but if I were to take a job in Cincinnati I would be VERY sad about it. I bet Ickey is sad too, and that makes this a fine Mr. Irrelevant choice.

Final Team Power Rankings:

1)   MM: Yes, none of the prior winners came from the field of general corrupt assbaggery, but leading off with Castro, the Queen, the former Pope, Dick Cheney, while keeping Muhammad Ali, you have a stacked lineup of the leading candidates. While there are other “players” more liable to kick the bucket sooner, this is the team with the most top to bottom depth. Perhaps not ideal in a “first death takes all” league, but hedging ones bets is never a bad idea.

2)   DK: Keeping Judge Wapner, then drafting Jimmy Carter and Bob Barker creates a top three that contained two guys I thought were already dead. This is a very good sign. These three guys alone motivated me to get this post up sooner rather than later.

3)   RT: To be objective, this team is pretty terrible. Would probably find itself at the bottom in rankings that were comprised by someone other than myself. But, there is obviously a plan here, and that plan is drugs, with other reckless behavior thrown in. This is a team that is easy to cheer for. Outside of Ric Flair (and given his personal history that’s debatable) there isn’t a single person on his roster that the world would miss. Most would elicit jokes that only the biggest tightass would find unacceptable. Some would break twitter. This team is the Butler of the field.

4)   BC: Middle of the pack team. Nothing that jumps off the page but some smart, practical picks. Keeping Bush 41 is smart, Nancy Reagan was a good start, King, Franklin, Shula reasonable choices. This could easily win, but no one’s making a draft day movie and hiring Kevin Costner to play you.

5)   BB: Such a promising start. Like the Bills future, this team really begins and ends with the demise of Ralph Wilson. Berra and Wilson are decent possibilities but the rest is kind of weak when looking at the team as a whole. And considering Wilson was a keeper, this really was a poor draft. Maybe one of the packs of feral dogs that rule Detroit can knock out the power to Ralph’s iron lung and give him, and the city of Buffalo a win.

6)   BD: All over the board, this one. I may be wrong but Richards seems like the wrong keeper and a gambler’s fallacy, then going with the under-30 ruler of a nuclear nation that doesn't tolerate dissent to put it lightly, and following it up with some D-list celebrities and wishing on a star with Biebs. His wild card pick in the Fridge may really be his best- and for all intents and purposes his only- hope.

Picture
So there it is, that’s how you death pool. In this neverending and brutal- even by Buffalo standards- winter, with the cratering of the hockey team moving at the pace of two blimps running into each other, with the fans, the twitter account, the jersies all at varying levels of insufferability, a death pool is a good way to remember that some people have it worse than us. Sure, there lives were all WAY more influential, wealthy and probably more fun than ours, but who cares, they’ll all be rotting in the ground while we’re still here…hoping the Sabres can grab one of the Wild Card spots in the 2018 playoffs.

5 Comments
Marty McFly
2/5/2014 05:13:54 am

I just want the record to show, my team was dubbed "the Axis of Evil" and no one is more evil than that fucking twat Yoko. That is why she made my team. For the record, I don't think Ali is evil, I just had to keep someone.

Reply
JW
2/11/2014 12:39:02 am

I am a well known death pool expert. Ask anyone.

I don't like the "first wins" philosophy. That would have ended my last pool in early January when some old singer died. Might I also recommend ...

-a "Money Ball" pick which is worth MORE points but must be someone under 40 who is not know to be terminal.
-or a "Karma" pick. Someone OVER 90 who will NOT die. Makes things more positive. (I've struggled with guilt in death pools, so I have been thinking of creating an over 90 LIFE pool)

Nice post! Thank you.

Reply
lesley link
6/19/2014 05:24:04 pm

is this all in real or just imaginary?

Reply
iOS App Development link
12/24/2016 04:58:28 am

All the contents you mentioned in post is too good and can be very useful.

Reply
The Significance of Instagram as a Marketing Tool link
12/25/2016 12:09:17 am

I truly like you're composing style, incredible data, thankyou for posting.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Follow DGWUSports on Twitter

    Recent Posts

    "I guess we have ourselves a reckoning." - Bills vs. Steelers Preview, Week 14

    "I got a nose for white supremacy, and he smells like bleach." Monday Night Football is back, folks.


    Dear God Why Us? In this Economy?

    DGWU Sports #CrapTastiCast Episode 49

    Us

    The Apologist
    @SamiquaLrhubarB

    The Barrister

    The Outlander
    @MattyRenn

    The Commander
    @essbeeay

    DEEG EMERITUS:

    The Yachtsman
    @Y_vo

    Guest Contributors


    And Them

    Black & Blue & Gold
    Buffalo Sabres Nation
    Die By The Blade
    Buffalo Wins
    Nick Mendola
    The Goose's Roost
    Bills Daily
    Sabres Prospects
    Shutdown Pair
    Sal Sports

    Email us!


    Past Drivel

    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    January 2020
    August 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    August 2018
    April 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    March 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    April 2010
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009
    May 2009
    April 2009


    Tags

    All
    2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs
    Aaron Hernandez
    Aaron Williams
    Adventures In Douchebaggery
    Amar'e Stoudemire
    Analytics
    Andre Reed
    Apostles Of Bob
    Arizona Cardinals
    Arsenal FC
    Arsene Wenger
    Assbaggery
    Auto Racing
    Bad Idea Night
    Baltimore Orioles
    Baltimore Ravens
    Baseball
    Basketball
    Beards
    #becauseitsbuffalo
    Beer
    Big Lebowski
    Bigots
    Big Thoughts
    Bills Mafia
    Bills Previews
    Black Sabbath
    Blue Collar
    Boat Shoes
    Boner_Shorts
    Boobie Dixon
    Booze
    Boston Bruins
    Boston Celtics
    Boston Red Sox
    Boston Sucks
    Brian Moorman
    BroneCast
    Bucky Gleason
    Buddy Nix
    Buffalo Bills
    Buffalo For Real
    Buffalo Sabres
    BuffaloWins
    Buffao Sabres
    Canada Sucks
    Carmelo Anthony
    Cats
    CFL
    Chan Gailey
    Chelsea FC
    Chelsea Licks Taint
    Chicago Blackhawks
    Chicago Cubs
    Chris Hairston
    Christian Ehrhoff
    Christmas
    Circling The Wagons
    Citi Field
    C.J. Spiller
    CK Anal
    Clint Dempsey
    Clownpenis.fart
    CM Punk
    Cody Hodgson
    Cody Mccormick
    Colin Kaepernick
    College Basketball
    College Football
    Cordy Glenn
    Craig Schaller
    CrapTastiCast
    Criminallyvu1ga
    Daft Punk
    Dallas Cowboys
    Daniel Briere
    Daniel Murphy
    Daniel Sturridge
    Dan Snyder
    Dan Wheldon
    Darcy Regier
    David Wright
    Dax McCarty
    Defensemen
    De La Soul
    Derek Roy Sucks
    Detroit Sucks
    DGWU Crew
    DGWU Legal Bureau
    Dick Jauron
    Dominik Hasek
    Donald Sterling
    Donald Trump
    Don Cherry
    Doug Flutie
    Doug Marrone
    Doug Whaley
    DRAFT GOOD!
    Drew Stafford
    Drugs
    Drunk
    E.J. Manuel
    El Greasico
    Emeritus My Balls
    Epic Fail
    Epic Meltdowns
    Epic Rants
    EPL
    Eric Wood
    Examples Of Awful Journalism
    Expats
    Faceless Internet Potshots
    FA Cup
    Fandom
    Fantasy Football
    F.C. Buffalo
    FJM
    Football
    Former Bills
    Former Knicks
    Former Sabres
    Fred Jackson
    Fred Wilpon
    Free Agency
    French Revolution
    Fuck ESPN
    Game Previews
    Game Recaps
    Gangs Are For Pussies
    Gary Bettman
    Gold Cup
    Golf
    Greg Roman
    Guest Contributors
    Hall Of Fame
    Happiness
    Hard Work
    Haterade
    High Character!
    Hillsborough
    Hockey
    Hockey Hall Of Fame
    Hulk Hogan
    Hungover
    IIHF World Championships
    Ike Davis
    Indignation
    Infinite Sadness
    Jack Eichel
    Jairus Byrd
    @jambrones
    James Dolan
    Jason Pominville
    Jeremy White
    Jerry Jones
    Jerry Sullivan
    Jhonas Enroth
    Jim Boeheim
    Jochen Hecht
    Joe Pinz1
    Johan Santana
    Johnny White
    John Scott
    Jon Vogl
    Jordan Leopold
    Jose Reyes
    Josh Beckett
    Jurgen Klopp
    Justin Rogers
    Kawika Mitchell
    Kelly's NYC
    Kelvin Sheppard
    Kevin Durant
    Kevin Youkilis
    Khal Drogo
    Kim Martin
    Kim Pegula
    King Kenny
    Kirk Nieuwenhuis
    Kobe Bryant
    Kraig Urbik
    Kyle Orton
    Kyle Williams
    L.A. Lakers
    Larry Quinn
    Lebron James
    Lee Evans
    Legumes On Your Penis
    Lenny Palumbo
    Leodis McKelvin
    LeSean McCoy
    Lindy Ruff
    Links
    Liveblog
    Liverpool FC
    Long Island
    Los Angeles Kings
    Luis Suarez
    Luke Adam
    Lunchpail
    Mailbag
    Manchester City
    Manchester Fc
    Manchester United
    Maple Leafs
    Marcell Dareus
    Marcus Easley
    Marcus Foligno
    Marcus Stroud
    Mario Williams
    Marshawn Lynch
    Martin Skrtel
    Marv Levy
    Matt Ellis
    Matthew Barnaby
    Matt Moulson
    McFadden's NYC
    Mean
    @Mechaphil
    Media Access
    Media Hit Jobs
    Megsie
    Memories
    Messi
    Metal
    Metallica
    Mets
    Miami Dolphins
    Miami Heat
    Michael Jasper
    Michael Jordan
    Michael Phelps
    Michael Vick
    Michael Vick Is A Fuck
    Mike D'Antoni
    Mike Grier
    Mike Harrington
    Mike Richards Is A Loser
    Mike Schopp
    Mikhail Grigorenko
    Miller
    MLB
    MLS
    Monday Night Football
    Mondee
    Montreal Canadiens
    Moon Bills
    Morality In Sport
    Motorsports
    Mouth Breathers
    Movie Trailers
    Moxy Früvous
    Murderers
    NASCAR
    Nathan Gerbe
    NBA
    Nba Draft
    Near Death Experiences
    Nerd Alert
    New England Patriots
    New Jersey Devils
    New York
    New York City
    New York Islanders
    New York Jets
    New York Knicks
    New York Mets
    New York Rangers
    New York Red Bulls
    New York Yankees
    NFL
    NFL Draft
    Nfl Free Agency
    Nfl Lockout
    NFLPA
    NHL
    Nhl Draft
    Nhl Free Agency
    Nhl Lockout
    NHL Playoffs
    Niagara Falls Reporter
    Nick Mendola
    No Limit Soldiers
    NSFW
    Nwo
    NYCBBB
    Nyc Sabre Summit
    Ny Red Bulls
    Oakland Raiders
    Occupy Nassau
    Offseason
    Oklahoma City Thunder
    Olympic Hockey
    Olympic Soccer
    #OneBuffalo
    Open Bar
    Optimism
    Overtime
    Ozzie Guillen
    Ozzy
    Parenthood
    Party Bus
    Pat Lafontaine
    Patrick Kaleta
    Patrick Kane
    Patriots
    Pat Williams
    Paul Gaustad
    Paul Hamilton
    Paul Posluszny
    Philadelphia Flyers
    Phillipe Coutinho
    Pink Elephant
    Pittsburgh Penguins
    Playoff Hockey
    Playoff Hunt 2011
    Playoffs
    Podacst
    Podcast
    Podcasts
    Post Game Reflections
    Post Game Reflections With The Yachtsman
    Post-Game Reflections With The Yachtsman
    Poz
    Pre Game Panicking
    Premiere League
    Premier League
    Premiership
    Press Conferences
    Pretentiousism
    Professional Wrestling
    Pro Football Hall Of Fame
    Pro Wrestling
    Pussies On Skates
    Qb Suckitude
    Rabbi Darkside
    Racing
    Racism
    Racist Assholes
    R.A. Dickey
    Ra Dickey
    Rafael Benitez
    Raffi Torres
    Rage Against The Machine
    Rage Storms
    Ralph Wilson Jr
    Ramblings
    Rants
    Rare Moments Of Lucidity
    Ray Lewis
    Realignment
    Recaps
    Rednecks
    Reggie Corner
    Rex Ryan
    Rian Lindell
    Roadcast
    Roadcasts
    Roadtrips
    Robert Goulet
    Rob Johnson
    Rob Ray
    Rob Van Dam
    Robyn Regehr
    Rochester Amercks
    Roger Goodell
    Ron Rolston
    Roscoe Parrish
    Running Diaries
    Russ Brandon
    Ryan Fitzpatrick
    Ryan Meanra
    Ryan Miller
    Ryan Nassib
    Sabres
    Sabres Alumni
    Sabres Crunk Mix
    Sabres Development Camp
    Sabre Summit
    Sadness
    Saint Bonaventure
    Sally Ride
    Sammy Watkins
    San Antonio Spurs
    Sanctimonious Shit Sandwich
    San Francisco 49ers
    Scizzette
    Scizz Gets Hard
    Scott Chandler
    September 11th
    Shady
    Shanabans7f1abf80bf
    Shaun Powell
    Shaving Buttholes
    Shawne Merriman
    Shawn Merriman
    Shit Sammies
    Sidney Crosby
    Signings
    Site Update
    Smarten Up
    Snowman Erections
    Soccer
    Spencer Johnson
    Standards Of Decency
    Stan Fischler
    Stanley Cup
    Starlin Castro
    Stephon Gilmore
    Steven Gerrard
    Steve Ott
    Stevie Johnson
    Stoke City FC
    Streetcast
    Strippers
    Subway Series
    Suck It Ref
    Summer Lovin
    Summer Movie
    Summer Movie Preview
    Summer Olympics
    Super Punters
    Super Troopers
    #SupportSally
    Swedes
    Swimming
    Syracuse Basketball
    Tailgating
    Tailgating At The Ralph
    Tank Carder
    Tanking
    Taro Tsujimoto
    Tashard Choice
    Tbn
    Team Captains
    Ted Black
    Ted Nolan
    Terrance Mcgee
    Terrance Williams
    Terrell Owens
    Terrence Mcgee
    Terry Collins
    Terry Pegula
    Thad Lewis
    Thanksgiving
    The Adventures Of Walter Garbinski
    The Apologist
    The Aud
    The Barrister
    The Beautiful Game
    The Big Lebowski
    The Buffalo News
    The Casted Foot
    The Cincinnati Bengals Are Criminals
    The City Of Buffalo
    The Commander
    The Continental
    The Dark Knight
    The Deeg
    The Defenseman
    The Grouch
    The Happy Endings Podcast
    The Hit
    The Hosers
    The Jambrones
    The Kids In The Hall
    The Kinsale
    The Legal Limit
    The Outlander
    The Patriots
    The Pink Elephant
    The Ralph
    The Rock
    The Ronin
    The Scizz
    The Scizzette
    The Undertaker
    The Wayans Brothers
    The Wild Card
    The Wire
    The Wizard
    The Yachtsman
    Thierry Henry
    Things That Matter More Than Sports
    Things That Piss Me Off
    Thomas Vanek
    Thrashers
    Tiger Woods
    Tim Connolly
    Tim Graham
    Tim Kennedy
    Tim Murray
    Tim Tebow
    Todd Collins
    Tom Brady
    Tom Golisano
    Tom The Cat
    Toronto
    Tottenham Hotspur
    Trade Rumor
    Trent Edwards
    True Colors
    Twitter
    Tyler Ennis
    Tyler Myers
    Tyler Thigpen
    Tyrod Taylor
    Ugly Models
    Undertaker
    Undrafted Free Agents
    USMNT
    USWNT
    Vacation
    Vajazzling
    Vancouver
    Vanilla Ice
    Video Games
    Ville Leino
    Vince Mcmahon
    Vincent Tan
    Vince Young
    Violence Is Not Funny
    Von Miller
    Vulgarity
    Wall Of Fame
    Warpath
    Washington Capitals
    Washington Redskins
    Waste Of A Post
    Watkins Glen
    WCW
    WECK 1230
    Weed
    Weezer
    Wembley
    West Wing
    WGR
    Where Are They Now?
    Wilco Sucks
    Winnipeg Jets
    World Cup
    Wrestlemania
    Wrestling
    Wtf
    Wu Tang Forever
    WWE
    Yankees
    You Can Play
    Your Mom

this site powered by the inane musings of raving lunatics