Smarten Up! - Ball Don't Lie

12/6/2012

Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at [email protected], tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane.

The Continental

Alright, I'm just going to come out and say it. If the lockout ends this week it was absolutely due to CrapTastiCast 38 with Jeremy White. Because yeah, that was a thing that totally happened in my life. But really I kind of don't care about the NHL happenings because guess what the fuck is happening December 21, 2012: ZUBAZ NIGHT ... that's right! The Rochester Americans are doing $30 tickets PLUS your own pair of Zubaz. What a bargain So yeah, catch me there. I might have to wear these around Williamsburg and Soho every weekend to see if someone takes my picture for their Street Style Blog.

I wish I could be as cool as @JustinBassett, the self-proclaimed Hugo Boss of fanswear. He's right.

what is your last night on death row meal? @jambrones

Go big or go home, but in this case "go big then go into a hole in the ground." Here is my list, obviously my goal is to just eat until I kill myself: appetizers: artichokes french, grilled shrimp. Main: porterhouse with garlic butter on it, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots (best side dish ever, only way I'll eat cooked carrots). Dessert: baklava and french vanilla ice cream. Come on, I just ate supper and now I have a full on food boner. Thanks man.

Underrated holiday side dish.

If you were to drink a bottle of liquor and commit felonies while crossing state lines, what kind of liquor would it be? bonus question: WHAT FELONIES? @runthedive

I don't make a habit of drinking tequila so that's out right away. My mother's parting words to me when I went to college were: "Don't drink tequila. It might seem like a great idea but it never is, please let me have learned this lesson for you." I trust her, she's a smart lady.

Gin's my favorite liquor, most people say that it makes them mean, but I'm already pretty mean so you can't really tell. Besides I don't think I could pound a whole bottle of gin, but I'm up for the challenge. Vodka I also do well with, thanks Eastern European genetics, so that leaves whiskey as the precursor for bad decisions. This is also the most likely because I pretty much exclusively do Jameo shots. I'm fun.

As for the felony, this is more difficult, I really think something crazy would have to happen for me to do something worse than petty larceny, because I'm a huge pussy when it comes to rule breaking. However, you have to factor me in drinking a bottle of Jameo ,so shit's going to be twisted. In that case, my money is on aggravated assault and/or arson. Wait ...is "bomb-making" a felony? And let's just add felony possession (guns and drugs) for good measure.

#tequila

How come I can't bring myself to root for the Bills losing out? @justinbassett

I never can either really, and I'm pretty much the biggest Negative Nancy ever. Is it because I think within our Grinch hearts (that are three sizes too small) there is still an itty-bitty BILLieving beat inside? Well, no, because we can both admit the best three words to describe the last decade in Bills football are as follows, and I quote: STINK, STANK, STUNK. No really you guys, I want to billieve. But knowing that Ralph is still alive, that we can't get a better coach than Chan, that Russ Brandon is an asshole, and pretty much everything else, I just can't bother with this team sometimes.

I keep coming back, probably because I find it impossible to abstain from things I've promised to stay away from: drinking on weeknights, old flames, cigarettes... I'm a stubborn bitch and not very smart. The thing is football isn't real life, my misanthropy is better channeled to real issues. I can't be bothered to root against the Bills. I need something to hold on to.

Besides, if they lose out, they'll just throw away the fucking draft pick anyways. See? Who cares. Ugh.

The New York State Senate is literally. The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened. Continental, what is literally the worst thing that's ever happened? - Scuba Steve

For your first point, accurate. Your second point is pretty difficult, I mean genocide is probably literally the worst thing that's ever happened (and keeps happening, thanks humanity). I could pick wide right or no goal or something too and call it a day, but everyone here has lived that and already know. I'm going to have to go with getting your wisdom teeth removed.

Procedure-wise this was an okay endeavor for me, even though I had all four removed on Valentine's Day with only Novocaine -- no laughing gas, no general anesthesia, I'm tough. I even got 20 strong Vic's, tasty! What I did three months after the course of antibiotics had finished was C. diff. Yeah, not just for old people in hospitals apparently. I shit 25+ times per day (no really), I couldn't eat food my stomach hurt so much, and eventually I got so dehydrated I had to go to the emergency room. Then I had to wait three days to see my doctor! I spent 6 days not eating anything and I looked awesome, though I guess I would have looked better if my skin wasn't so sallow. My DocBro at Mt Sinai knew it was C. diff right away and hooked me up with better antibiotics and then I shit less and started eating food.

Shitting 30 times for 6 days straight is LITERALLY the worst thing. If you don't believe me toss some old salad at a nursing home somewhere and see for yourself. Move over Atkin's diet and pd90x, there's a new diet in town.

If I had short hair I would have been a ringer for cokedout Pete Doherty

Which cast is more of a hot mess? RHONJ or RHOA? Those two are clearly the trashiest of the trash, no? @samanthajoy124

I will take this opportunity to power rank all of the Real Housewives franchises, since I preach the good news of Andy Cohen and Bravo television.

7. Real Housewives of DC: Second tier city, seventh tier RH franchise. It did feature a whole episode on the White House gatecrashing Salahi famewhore, surprise, it wasn't renewed for a second season.
6. Real Housewives of NJ: Completely unwatchable. I'm not from Jersey though, Sam, so I have no time to trifle with this shit. I'm sure you wouldn't sit through a "Real Housewives of Clarence" franchise.
5. Real Housewives of Miami: In theory I wanted to like this franchise, but in reality it is shouty and overwhelming, plus I am totally creeped out by Lisa who in her intro says: "My husband's a top plastic surgeon in this town, and I'm his best creation." Yeah, fucking yikes.
4. Real Housewives of Atlanta: I love this franchise lately just because Phaedra (an entertainment attorney) is working on opening a boutique funeral home. Isn't that the most incredible thing you have ever heard of, a boutique funeral parlor in Atlanta, Georgia!
3. Real Housewives of New York: Ramona and LuAnn are still on the show and they're the fucking worst. Plus one of the current housewives is constantly hawking her budget spanx which are actually called "Yummie Tummie." Gross.
2. Real Housewives of Orange County: It's the original, which counts for a lot in my book. Plus no matter how many years, when I come back to it Slade is still involved somehow! Wow, that slimeball has fucked every famewhore in Coto. Game respect game.
1. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Kelsey Grammer's exwife is on it, and always casually talks about "living in New York with Kelsey." Lisa has her accent and her tiny dog Giggy who has probably been to more countries and more money spent on him then I will hope to make in my life. Plus a likely criminal committed suicide during a season filming! The OC just can't compete.

There you go! Now you bros have something else to talk about with your wives. You're welcome.

Are you there Deegers? It's me, The Continental.

Guest question from The Outlander, because I loved it so much: What's the worst thing someone heard you say that they weren't supposed to hear?

I'll chime in once the rest of you do in the comment section. Call me Jay Jacobs, because I'm holding you hostage. Bonus! one of my favorite Christmas song by: The Boy Least Likely To.

4 Comments

Jonathan

12/6/2012 06:34:01 am

Tell me more of this c diff diet? I could tweet while on the can

B-Bomber2019

12/6/2012 12:29:01 pm

Well I don't know if this counts, but I was playing scrabble on my phone once with my girlfriend. I didn't think the game would accept "CUNT" as a word. It did. Oops.

Outlander

12/6/2012 10:56:02 pm

Since this question was inspired by me, I'll tell my story.

So December 2010 I came home from Vermont for a friend's stag party. It was the usual clusterfuck of booze and strippers and afterwards we headed out to a bar in North Tonawanda. So we get there and I'm catching up with one of my old friends who now lives in Rochester and decide to inform him that one of our friends from our younger years has put on some weight. Actually, I said something to the effect of "Hey you seen Ashley recently? I saw her the other night and she looks like fucking Howard Ballard!" I turn to see what other friends were there to laugh at my joke and see said girl not 18 inches away from me, just staring. I don't regret many things I say and by far that is one thing I regret the most, even if I laughed really hard the next day when my friend pulled up a google image of the house and said "this is what she saw if she had to google that."

The Barrister link

12/7/2012 03:20:40 am

Here is my contribution.

My college had an unconventional method of picking graduation speakers from the student body. Instead of having a Valedictorian speak, my college chose via a blind submission process, with students writing proposed speeches ahead of time, and the speech - not the speaker - was chosen.

Or this is how we were told the process worked.

I wrote a real gem of a speech. I think I still have a copy somewhere - maybe even a shorthand draft that I scribbled out while sitting by our college's lake - but haven't actually read it, so who knows if it is actually all that great or if I was convinced it was because I was a borderline burnout who believed in himself a little bit too much.

My speech wasn't chosen in the end, and I remember speaking with the student president - who sat on the panel of speech-choosing-people - and he told me that I was actually his choice, but that the Dean liked another speech, and he felt really bad about it. The guy who was chosen was actually a really good friend of mine and was in my a capella group, so I was actually pretty upbeat about it, despite my disappointment in not being chosen.

Fast-forward a couple weeks to commencement and, well, there's no other way to put this - my friend's speech was TERRIBLE. Guys in my row were vocally incredulous, with "is this guy fucking serious?" being the common refrain. Only one person I spoke to that day actually liked it, and that was the twelve year-old brother of one of my best friends. Other than a twelve year old, everyone else gave it a resounding "that was fucking awful."

At some point that night, as we drank through our last night on campus, I was sitting on a patio at, as chance would have it, the graduation speaker's townhouse. He was not actually home, but we had many mutual friends, including one of his roommates who I was drinking etc with that night. And after a few adult beverages etc (heavy emphasis on the etc), I got a little ragestormy about the shit speech we had to sit through and how it was terrible, and how my speech was considerably better. My friends actually had me fucking recite it, and I got thunderous applause.

And then we realized that the friend/shitty speech writer/commencement ruiner who we thought had been out at another friend's place was actually upstairs in his room right above the patio and had been listening to the whole thing.

Nice guy, actually. It's sad. We haven't spoken since.

Smarten Up! - Ball Don't Lie

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