Smarten Up! - The Sounds of Silence - Dear God Why Us Sports

Smarten Up! - The Sounds of Silence

11/1/2012

Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here), The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is a Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at deargodwhyussports@gmail.com, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane.

The Continental

What a week. As the hurricane loomed over us Sunday, I - as on most Sundays - decided to go to my local, terrified of what was to come, though in this case my fear was not related to a Bills game... thank you bye week. Last year I spent Irene with a friend's family, but this year I was on my own and woefully under-prepared, not to mention riddled with documented anxiety issues. So what better way to manage fears by drinking 20 beers? I made it home late Sunday night and didn't leave my home in central Queens until Tuesday night to go back to the bar. Luckily, I couldn't have been safer; I had power and everything the whole time, no flooding, no trees fallen on my block, nothing. The Barrister took the Wee Baby Dubs and Lady Dubs to Massachusetts safely, The Yachtsman watched loads of Friends in Brooklyn, and The Apologist played video games. The Scizz, however, was in Hoboken, which was severely affected by flooding and fires and I can only imagine what else. Fortunately he and his lady made it through and The Yachtsman rescued them, and now he is back to tweeting hilarious and offensive shit. Awesome.

I am so grateful that my friends, and the DGWU crew made it through this storm safely. This was no fucking joke.

Okay, time for some fucking jokes.

I'm clean shaven for the first time since July. Should I do the whole no-shave thing, Movember, or be a normal fucking person? - @fgif

Shave. Movember is the pink penalty flag of prostate cancer awareness, lame at best, more like hollow-hearted. Plus mustaches are even dumber than beards, and beards are fucking dumb. A lot of dumb women are into dumb men with dumb beards though, so i guess I can't completely discourage having a beard, because at least some women will fuck you. In the end, facial hair isn't my wheelhouse, and I have a quite the array of wheelhouses bro.

The "If I could have I probably would have" wheelhouse.

Is a single-button charcoal suit too fashion-forward for a wedding? - @justinbassett

You should be fine unless the wedding is extremely formal, but then you probably would have just chosen a black suit or tux and would be fine. It might be too fashion forward if you are attending a WNY wedding, but that's to be expected from a New Yorker. Every time I go back home I get loads of comments about my clothes... granted I did dress like a 60 year old lesbian gym teacher during the majority of my high school years, so being at all fashionable is quite the departure. But, at my grandmother's funeral I got compliments for my outfit by nearly everyone attendee AND got hit on by the funeral director, and let's be real - I'm like okay looking.

Never discount a good outfit bro. Bitches love a good outfit, or at least I do. Good outfits are part of most of my wheelhouses.

Aubrey Plaza is hot me.

Can I still claim to never miss a home game if I skip the Toronto game? - @justinbassett with a second question

Short answer: yes. Longer answer: fuck yes. You're not expecting to go to London to watch whatever poor teams drew the short end of the stick to play at Wembley. Don't worry about Toronto, I mean for now. The Toronto Bills are another story. Ugh.

It will happen.

What kind of swamp bathin', cousin fuckin' logic is used by NASCAR fans to choose which driver to root for? - @boner_shorts

NASCAR is gross and makes no sense to me. Any other form of racing any of my bumfuck classmates were interested in made no sense to me. However one extremely well made and interesting documentary I saw tackled racing with elegant and compelling subjects, unlike my classmates who would hang out around Lancaster speedway. Racing Dreams, which came out in 2009, carries a 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatos and is on Netflix Instant. It's directed by the guy that made Street Fight, a documentary about Cory Booker's 2002 campaign for mayor of Newark that was also extremely well done.

As for the real answer to your question, I mean, we all choose our own hobbies. Mine obviously include somewhat obscure but critically acclaimed documentaries. Some people choose to use their internet personas for evil instead of good, for instance, others choose to be the living incarnation of any character from Talladega Nights. When I asked Barrister about this, since he's apparently been to a few NASCAR races with the Deeg's resident racing expert, The Scizz, he mused that it seemed the choices were largely arbitrary and circumstantial, the choice to follow a driver being guided by a weird combination of sponsorship and whether the guy actually does well that first time you take the plunge and decide to cheer for him. Apparently, that's what made Barrister latch on to Matt Kenseth after he saw him win live at Dover in 2011 while Kenseth drove the Crown Royal car. Makes sense.

I guess that begs the question - do we really choose our sports allegiances? Are we like Lady Gaga says - "Born this Way"? The NASCAR-ers who are largely homophobic gunslingers would probably say yes, that Jesus Christ Superstar our one and true Lord our God made them this way. Really, the answer closest to the truth is why we're all Bills fans (probably). Both nature (by the virtue of being born in WNY or to WNY parents, perhaps) and nurture (what the fuck else are you supposed to watch on Sundays, NFL Season ticket and Deadspin didn't exist in our formative years?).

As for me, I apparently spend more time thinking about which came first - the chicken or the egg - rather than who came first - Jeff Gordon or Kyle Bush - in the Nextel Series. (That last sentence exemplifies my ignorance. I did not look any of those racing things up... are those real people? Is Nextel even a phone company anymore? Do chickens EVEN HAVE EGGS??)

Never part of any of my wheelhouses, ever.

Who would win in a tag team fight? Peter Pan/Captain Hook, Skywalker/Darth Vader, James Bond/random whore he fucks in each movie - @falafelmywaffle

Skywalker/Vader, hands down. Daddy issues aside, you can't compete with a mo'fuckin lightsaber. Also Captain Hook is a crook. However, the dark horse winner in this contest, though only tangentially related, is clearly Adele's Skyfall song, as that song is sexier than Javier Bardem, which is no small feet because he is terrifyingly hot.

Even with the hair, still my wheelhouse.

Are you there Deegers? It's me, The Continental.

Is it more pathetic that I can't drive or that I can't do 8th grade math? What are the most pathetic traits/quirks/habits you find in women?

Additionally I implore you to donate to the relief effort, I know money's tight but if you eligible I sincerely encourage you to donate blood.

Seriously, to everyone, many thanks for the well wishes.

20 Comments

Not Rusty

11/01/2012 13:42

Are skinny Polacks in your wheelhouse?

Ironman92

11/01/2012 14:32

I wanted to get a pink hair extension (free!) for Breast Cancer Awareness. Fortunately, my friends, including The Continental Breakfast, talked me out of it. Because they looked like hatless fezzes and were fantastically gross.

dandy link

11/01/2012 16:01

You can't just up and condemn all beards, that's bullshit generalizing. Stupid beards include the chinstrap, the chin curtain, the hollywoodian, the doorknocker, a neard, and the reade. Acceptable types of beards include the van dyke, a goatee, a full beard, the zz top, the imperiale, and the greatest beard of all, Lemmy's Stacheburns.

runthedive

11/01/2012 23:05

Agreed. You ever see someone who has a shitty chin? Yeah, they can use a beard to jazz that thing right up. Or there's people like me, who haven't used a razor in over two years. When I'm cleanshaven, I look like I'm 14, not 27.

TL;DR - Unless you're into kids, beards rule.

BRB, doing this: http://s1125.beta.photobucket.com/user/A-P-P-Baby/media/gifs/explosions.gif.html?filters%5bterm%5d=recent&filters%5bprimary%5d=images

dandy link

11/01/2012 16:05

Also, I can't take Javier Bardem seriously as a sex symbol since No Country for Old Men, where he was clearly punching holes in people's foreheads with a stand in for his phallus.

The Continental

11/01/2012 16:26

He goes full frontal in Biutiful, it's beautiful.

CriminallyVu1gar link

11/01/2012 16:58

For the record, my name is Alex. I don't have any problem saying that, but I don't think many people know me as such so I tend to use my Twitter handle.

Most Pathetic Traits/Quirks/Habits in women? Hoo boy. First of all for the raging feminists looking to pick a fight, my answer should be interpreted as "I hate the women that do this," not "All women do this and I hate them for it."

Dancing.
I realize as a non-straight guy I'm supposed to love it, but I'd rather put clothespins on my balls. (Not hyperbole. My record is 52.) I had an ex-gf who LOVED to dance. Her favorite movie was Dirty Dancing, and her second favorite was Dirty Dancing 2 (seriously). Pick a dancing movie made between 2005 and 2009 and I've seen it. (Luckily I have an irresistible penis so if it was a DVD, I could get us to the banging halfway through to kill some time.) We would go to dances and parties and she would (again not hyperbole) want to spend the entire time, beginning to end, dancing. No peeing, no stopping to rest, just dancing. It was ridiculous, but at least it helped curb my jealousy. No, go grind on random guys, I'm going to get some punch.

Non-descriptive horseshit on online dating profiles.
"I like to have fun." (no shit) "I like to go out, but I also like to stay in." (Fantastic, but I already have a dog.)

Excessive Amounts of Makeup in Situations that Don't Require it
I like makeup. I like girls wearing it, I like the thought of me wearing it (even though I would probably look stupid.) I also like no makeup, but that's beside the point. What I don't like is the girls that have to get dolled up to go play rec. softball, or go to the dog park, or any other situation where wearing makeup isn't the least bit attractive and instead makes you look like a ridiculous shallow bitch.

Foregoing any sense of individuality in a group
My dancing ex was unbelievably guilty of this. At some point in time she was a unique individual with her own personality, but over time grew to be completely indistinguishable from any of her friends. You like to dance, drink cosmos, and listen to top 40s music and that's all you can think of to define yourself? Hooray, you're boring. (I dated this girl for over three years, so really, I'm the idiot.)

Thinking that growing up means anything specific
Women seem to throw the word "immature" at people they hate like it's candy and they're riding the lead float in the bitch parade. Adulthood doesn't mean throwing your childhood likes and hobbies to the side, it means being in charge of your own life, whatever you choose to make that mean. It pisses me off when a girl calls someone immature just because they have a different sense of what is enjoyable.

Mentioning Drama.
If you have to complain about it on Facebook, you probably cause your fair share.

Calling yourself a feminist and then slut shaming
Sleeping around doesn't make you a bad feminist or a weak woman. Trying to deny a woman her right to act as she pleases makes you a bad feminist, even if you're a woman yourself.

I'm done. Off to watch porn and hold women to completely unrealistic standards of beauty.

Justin

11/01/2012 22:06

tl;dr

Justin

11/01/2012 22:05

I set the record for Continental questions answered in one week. YOUR MOVE, OTHER READERS.

daKunt

11/02/2012 10:41

to CriminallyVulgar: Many of these traits you describe are the traits of INSECURE women. Wearing makeup all the time? insecure. Having no individual style? Insecure. Slut shaming? Insecure (or jealous someone's getting banged more than her). Confident, secure people don't care what others think of them..they go about their lives doing their own thing and appreciate the same in others. Try to find women like that and you may lose some of your dick-rage (I say that with love).

Also - to all the guys out there....watching a man dance is probably the least sexy thing I can think of. If you want me to lose all desire to f*ck you then by all means take it to the dance floor.

The Barrister

11/02/2012 17:23

I am a terrible dancer. Yet, it strangely endears me to my lady, as the absurdity of my girthy moves is a cover for her - you guessed it! - insecurity. I am her crutch, while my crutch is likely a string of gin & tonics or a severely hoppy IPA.

Then again, I fall into a category of white men with at least some rhythm, born out a resilient devotion to singing in choirs despite being called a fag. And a chubby fag at that. At least it seems to have gotten me a wife.

Frank link

11/02/2012 18:03

My mom was a dance instructor for 20 some years. It's not exactly lucrative, so instead of daycare or a sitter, she usually just signed me up for her classes to keep an eye on me. For years, I was known as the skinny dancing fag. If telling a girl in a bar that I know what a fucking plié or Russian are AND that I know how to do them ever stops getting me laid, maybe I'll let those sticks and stones get to me.

CriminallyVu1gar link

11/02/2012 23:16

I'm gay, I gave up on your horrible gender.

Okay, that's not true. Like I said, most of those were from my ex and her gaggle of horrible friends, 4 years ago. I have since learned my lesson.

daKunt

11/03/2012 14:13

wow, who would think there would be so many songbirds and fred astaires on a sports blog. color me impressed, gents.

Frank link

11/02/2012 11:28

First off, Alex fucking killed this. Every single word.

I think you'll find that most people would have had to google the means to finding the answers to the mathematical quandaries Pinzone had the other night. That simplistic, learned-it-back-then (before penises, vaginas, beer, and documentaries were cool) information is often left behind for more important things... like how to bring penises and vaginas together while consuming beer and remembering asinine shit learned in documentaries. That said, the math thing is admissible. It happens with age. Not knowing how to drive at this point in your life, though? Well that's just not right. You're a mentally and physically capable huma... oh, wait. You're a chick, forgot about that. Moving on.

Most pathetic traits/quirks/habits in women? Eeesh.

Since Alex touched on the generalities, for the most part, I'll go with two specifics that I've run into in recent years. This is such an open-ended topic that if I didn't limit myself, I'd go on demeaning the lesser sex for days.

Why is it that - without exception - every single fucking woman that I have in my apartment chooses to leave the toilet lid up? Is there some sort of universal understanding that I represent nothing more than a barbaric savage. Let's be real - I have class. It's not like your coming home with the guy who bought you a bucket of Coors Lights with hopes that he's going to 'lucky.' No, I'm the guy who's ordering Jameson and whichever scotch these shithole bars I frequent will pour me while myriad choads vying for an opportunity sauce you up with light beer. Then, I establish dominance and take you home because, let's face it, I'm insanely attractive and you've just got to find out. The least you can do is to put the lid down (and get the fuck out before I wake up). What? Breakfast? I'm good, horseface.

Texting. Fucking. Smiley. Faces.

If you have a hangdown and a pair of knockarounds, you are not allowed to join a colon and a parenthesis, or a hyphen, or a semicolon, or whatever other innane bullshit people use to make faces in messages nowadays. It's just not right. Every single girl who is in my phone suffers from this dumbasshiticantconveyfeelingssoihavetosmileorfrownorwinkeveryfuckingmessageitis. I've seen so many of the fucking things over the years that I can actually gauge the hidden messages behind them.

SMILE (no, I'm not doing it) - "I 'like' you! I'd like to have sex today, but you're going to have to work for it.. well, okay. I'll just give it to you, then."

FROWN (fat fucking chance) - "Let's cuddle." It's always 'let's cuddle.'

WINK (no goddamn way) - "I'm going to blow you. I'm feeling extra whorish right now so you won't even really have to work for it. YOLO." Guys, if you get a wink face in any text from anyone ever, they want to S your D with such tenacity that your grandfather will blow his old tyme load. Then bang you like a porn star. It's in the bible. Prove me wrong.

Now, I know a lot of guys would have attacked things like Pinterest and America's Next Top Model (is that still a thing? I dated a girl who used to Netflix reruns of that shit because she thought it would make her more attractive. Really. Broad even called me 'Tyra' in bed once. Kinda hot.) but why would you get yourself worked up over that? It's keeping them busy so you're free to watch sports, get day drunk, and stare at other, more attractive women whom you didn't accidentally drop the 'L bomb' on.

Q: Dear Continental, if you order five beers and you drink three of them, what percentage of beers are left?

A: Fuck if you know, it's 11am and you pounded a flask on the way to the bar because why the fuck not?

The Continental

11/02/2012 13:12

I absolutely fall into the emoticon trap, mostly because it falls into the number one most pathetic thing about me (and most women, but especially me) complete inability and unwillingness to risk the chance of rejection.

Maybe some day I'll grow up, but for now I'm content dating assholes. Which is probably why I get this text message/variants of once every other weekend between 1-5am: "My friend and I are up late and doing coke, want to come over?" (No, I don't respond.) At least my "Let's hang out :)" texts offer at least the pretense of subtlety. Well, now I'm not proud of any of this, oops.

The Scizz

11/02/2012 11:34

I would like to point out that every male member of DGWU in the tri-state area currently has a beard. Irony.

I actually got yelled at last week when I mentioned getting rid of the beer. My chick digs it.

Outlander

11/02/2012 11:50

One terrible trait came to mind from my ex-fiance. Aside from being a terrible human being (this will eventually be addressed in some random deeg post), she had a bizzare affection for pigs and thus refused to eat any pig products, This meant every family function/tailgating/camping trip/BBQ we ever went to I had to bring some fucked up turkey product or something that tasted like cardboard, as well as getting admonished for squeezing three delicious sausage patties into one monster-piggy-burger which- I will admit- I would gourge on mostly for the sake of trolling. I mean, vegetarian is one thing, but only pork products? That was irritating to no end.

Over-clinginess (I'm affectionate for a dude but draping yourself on me when I'm sitting on the edge of my seat during a sabres game- dirty pool) and overt jealousy are pretty repugnant as well. Just because you wanna bang me doesn't mean everyone with a vagina wants to bang me. At least, I don't think so.

daKunt

11/02/2012 13:22

@ The Continental: I highly recommend learning to drive. It is a good skill to have like swimming and opening wine bottles. The small town of Ohio where I grew up had a large Italian immigrant population. It was not unusual for the pope-loving, immigrant dbag husbands to NOT want their wives to drive (I'll take you wherever you want to go) and then when the hubby dies these women are at the mercy of whoever they can get to taxi them around (how Saudi of them!) Living in NYC one can get away with not driving but if you ever LEAVE NYC learning how to drive is a necessity. Do yourself a favor and put it on your to-do list before you are 30.

The Continental

11/02/2012 13:30

My grandmother (first gen Italian) can't drive! Great point. She is probably the person in my family I am most like, because she truly is a raging nutbag cunt, but not in like a charming way. Only a matter of time before I'm her.

Smarten Up! - The Sounds of Silence

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