Did you actually think I was going to come out of my exile to talk about the lease? Fuck that noise. Christ, with the NHL CBA there’s enough idiocy taking place in my sports world between douchebags in suits, and there’s no need to address what local politicians and taints like Russ Brandon will present to the public as some wonderful holiday gift. First off, if the NHL didn’t have its head so far up its ass, we would have forgotten about the Bills a month ago. The powers that be have just enough idiots yammering in their ear how important the Bills are to this community when as I’ve said, they’ve become nothing but a weight dragging our region’s resurgence down. Did anyone think they were going to move in May? No. So don’t present the certification of that fact like you’re signing the fucking START treaty. Now look, I’ve gone and broken my promise and talked about the lease.
One of the better things of the next few weeks is that if you randomly turn your television to ESPN, there is a high probability of you catching a football game. Football that doesn’t involve the Bills is the best. I watched Old Dominion and Georgia Southern in the FCS playoffs a couple weeks ago and loved it. I kept watching this kid from ODU make throws that Ryan Fitzpatrick couldn’t make throwing against air. Fitz sucks at football, but he makes watching other people play football immensely more enjoyable. So for what’s left of 2012, I steer you towards the slate of annual bowl games with stupid sponsors, played in half-full stadiums.
Also, I know very little about these teams and my insight will likely have nothing to do with players or predictions. Part two will come next week, and I’m also not addressing the national championship until we’re closer to game time (hint, both teams should be set adrift from the Greenland ice Sheet). Read on at your own peril.
Ball State v. University of Central Florida: The best named bowl is being played at Tropicana Field, not only the worst venue on the slate of bowl games, but the worst sports venue in the history of mankind. This game would be more appealing to the eye if it took place in Chernobyl, or a West African diamond mine. Personally, I think it should be played in the shadow of a slaughterhouse straight out of “The Jungle.”
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl December 22nd, Noon ESPN
East Carolina v. Louisiana-Lafayette: Bowl games with a defacto home team bother me. It seems it does not affect the directors of bowl games in the same way, as there are several teams that are located close to where they are playing. In this case it is Louisiana-Lafayette, who I think were one of the teams that Adam Sandler’s team played in The Waterboy. The fact my mom shuttled me and several friends to and from the theater to watch that movie is a source of deep embarrassment.
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl, December 22nd, 3:30pm ESPN
Washington v. Boise State: I like both of these teams to the point where I wish this were a night game (I’ll be at an alumni function watching the Bonnies curbstomp NC State). Washington’s win over Stanford was incredibly entertaining and despite slipping this year without Kellen Moore, the Broncos are still fun to watch even away from their blue turf. Wait, that got too close to real analysis, moving on.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, December 24th, 8pm ESPN
Fresno State v. Southern Methodist University: This bowl also sucks for ambiance considering the stadium is usually half-full and neither team’s fans had the two grand kicking around to fly to Hawaii for a goddamn football game. Also fuck Hawaii, what is it about beaches that makes every adult on the planet moist in their underpants? You stick me at Sherkston on a hot August day and I’m FINE. The amount of money spent on Florida, the Caribbean, Hawaii and every other tourist trap with the same beaches, bars and stupid shirts is why our civilization is crumbling. It gets warm everywhere in the world, maybe you can go somewhere whose culture goes beyond your resort and isn’t spun into some shitty cliché that hands you a lei at the airport. I will never go there.
Western Kentucky v. Central Michigan: My thoughts on these two schools are as follows: Western Kentucky has the best mascot in college football. Seriously, between that and the Syracuse Orange, there’s a passion deep within my loins. As for Central Michigan, I used their stadium for my created St. Bonaventure team in NCAA. As for Little Caesars, their pizza used to be my reward for suffering through the bi-weekly shopping trip to Kmart with my mom. Don’t remember it being too bad. #Analysis
Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman Bowl, December 27th, 3pm ESPN
San Jose State v. Bowling Green
If you have an informed opinion on this game it’s highly likely we would not be good conversation partners. This is a game I will NOT be DVR’ing from the office.
Belk Bowl, December 27th, 6:30pm ESPN
Cincinnati v. Duke: The sponsor of this game is the noise you make when you think of the prospect of living in Cincinnati or attending a frat party at Duke. Moving on.
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl, December 27th, 9:45pm ESPN
Baylor v. UCLA: Having never heard of the sponsor, I googled them. Apparently their goal is to “raise academic achievement in a fast-evolving industry.” I hope that industry is developing an orange juice that you can drink after brushing your teeth, or replacing ESPN analysts with Hamsters. Watch this game to laugh at Jim Mora.
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl, December 28th, 2pm ESPN
Ohio v. Louisiana-Monroe: #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION #MACTION
Russell Athletic Bowl, December 28th, 5:30pm ESPN
Rutgers v. Virginia Tech: I spent nearly all season thinking that the Glennon everyone was talking about in the draft wasn’t NC State’s quarterback, but his older, dumber brother who went to Virginia Tech and is apparently on the Vikings. I really need to follow the sport more. Also, can’t wait for Rutgers to join the Big Ten and bring their 15,000 fans per game with them. I’m pretty sure you’re never going to hear about Rutgers again after this game.
Minnesota v. Texas Tech: Not only do I love Minnesota’s colors, unis and new stadium, I’m certain I would let a Syrian prison guard take pliers to my fingernails before I willingly spent fifteen minutes in Tommy Tuberville’s company. That man is like the legionnaires virus wrapped in a sack of skin and a headset.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, December 29th, 11:45am ESPN
Rice v. Air Force: A Saturday game before noon? What is this, the EPL? I fully intend to be sleeping off my Amerks in Buffalo hangover that morning. As for the game I won’t be watching, Air Force rarely throws the ball and has a bowling ball of a running back who is about 5’6. Oh and he’s white so I’m fairly certain Gregg Easterbrook has already sent him BDSM-themed fan fiction.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl, December 29th, 3:15pm ESPN
West Virginia v. Syracuse: Another game I wish was at night and the one game being played at a baseball stadium that shouldn’t be attacked by an aircraft carrier. Smith v. Nassib, pointsgasm. Be prepared to fall in love with Geno Smith, and then devastated when he’s drafted by the Chiefs and the Bills go 18-30 in the Tyler Bray era.
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl, December 29th, 4pm ESPN2
Navy v. Arizona State: Instead of sponsoring a bowl game that tells us to fight hunger, how about Kraft spend their money on actually fighting hunger? The only thing I’m doing to fight hunger during this game is shoveling wings into my mouth while I watch the game between two good teams going on instead of this one.
Valero Alamo Bowl, December 29th, 6:45pm ESPN
Texas v. Oregon State: Corvallis is on that list of college towns I would have loved to have visited in my youth. Country setting, athletically respectable if overlooked, seems the talent would be in the “cute to pretty hot” range, likely low level of pretention. I drank with a few OSU bros before they played in Happy Valley several years back and they said basically the same. As for Texas, I highly recommend catching “Still Standing: The Earl Campbell Story” if it’s being rerun on NBCSN anytime in the near future. Great insight to a running back with some of the most breathtaking runs you’ll catch on film.
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl, December 29th, 10:15pm ESPN
TCU v. Michigan State: Can the city sue this place for creating a false impression that somehow the scraps that this place calls “wings” are endorsed by Buffalo or are made in any fashion close to how we do so? When I found out the founders of this place were from Ohio I could not have been less shocked. They have made a multi-million dollar business out of having wings that are better than the wings you’ll find in middle America, the south, or really anywhere outside upstate New York because no one is capable of mixing frank’s and butter in a bowl. Buffalo Wild Wings should only be consumed if you live outside the area, which raises the question as to why there’s a large franchise on Niagara Falls Boulevard, one with customers on a consistent basis. I can only surmise this is Canadian shoppers worn out after spending 350 dollars at Target.
Happy holidays everyone!