The Commander, guest contributor (until further notice)
Greetings friends. I sincerely hope everyone is enjoying the fabulous offseasons from both of our favorite Buffalo sports teams. I’m sure one of us can do something with the Sabres around draft time, perhaps making up some bullshit about how the guy we picked at #8 is a bunch of cool buzzwords that actually translate to “Joel Savage”. Or we can talk about how Tarvaris Jackson has been the best QB at the Bills OTAs, but that sounds sort of depressing considering that we drafted a 4th round rated QB with pick #16 overall, doesn’t it?
Fortunately, there’s a bunch of good non-Buffalo sports things going on. I managed to not get my Buffalo Curse all over the Sacramento Kings and they’re staying here, there’s some basketball playoffs going on right now (I’m not good at basketball yet so I can’t really say much more than that), the baseball mans are hitting the baseballs all over the place, and of course the NHL Playoffs have reached the Conference Finals stage. Which is why I would like to present:
The 2013 DGWU NHL CONFERENCE FINALS PRIMER!
Let’s take a look at the 4 teams remaining and help you decide who you should root for.
Eastern Conference:
Pittsburgh Penguins
Why you should root for the Penguins:
I like Pittsburgh. It reminds me of what Buffalo might be like if our teams were any good. Good blue collar rust belt people. I’m currently shacking up with a Pittsburgh girl, despite her threats to not bring my Buffaluck into our happy home, I root for the Penguins a lot. YOU should root for the Penguins if you are a front running dickbag, because they’re the best team out of the 4. If you really want to be that asshole amongst your friends that likes Sidney Crosby and can be really insufferable about how good they are, it can be a lot of fun.
Why you shouldn’t root for the Penguins:
Because the league gifted them the best player in the world in a fixed lottery.
Because the Sabres are currently employing the rejects from their front office.
Because it’s like rooting for a real-life Yahoo Fantasy Team.
Because you’re that clever guy who thinks turning “Sidney Crosby” into “Cindy Criesby” or "Pittsburgh" into "Shitsburgh" is the fucking pinnacle of hilarity. SEE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE A GIRLS NAME LOL!!
Buffalo Factor:
The Penguins ties to the Buffalo area include defenseman Brooks Orpik, who hails from Amherst and was passed over by the Sabres in the first round of the 2000 draft for some Russian guy who played like 15 minutes of hockey after being picked. Orpik is pretty much everything we’ve missed on our blueline since the halcyon days of Jay McKee and Rhett Warrener.
I like Pittsburgh. It reminds me of what Buffalo might be like if our teams were any good. Good blue collar rust belt people. I’m currently shacking up with a Pittsburgh girl, despite her threats to not bring my Buffaluck into our happy home, I root for the Penguins a lot. YOU should root for the Penguins if you are a front running dickbag, because they’re the best team out of the 4. If you really want to be that asshole amongst your friends that likes Sidney Crosby and can be really insufferable about how good they are, it can be a lot of fun.
Why you shouldn’t root for the Penguins:
Because the league gifted them the best player in the world in a fixed lottery.
Because the Sabres are currently employing the rejects from their front office.
Because it’s like rooting for a real-life Yahoo Fantasy Team.
Because you’re that clever guy who thinks turning “Sidney Crosby” into “Cindy Criesby” or "Pittsburgh" into "Shitsburgh" is the fucking pinnacle of hilarity. SEE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE A GIRLS NAME LOL!!
Buffalo Factor:
The Penguins ties to the Buffalo area include defenseman Brooks Orpik, who hails from Amherst and was passed over by the Sabres in the first round of the 2000 draft for some Russian guy who played like 15 minutes of hockey after being picked. Orpik is pretty much everything we’ve missed on our blueline since the halcyon days of Jay McKee and Rhett Warrener.
Boston Bruins
TD Garden circa 2008
Why You Should Root For the Bruins:
Well, ummm…they’re in Tragedy Mode. So I guess if you don’t root for them, you could be seen as an insensitive asshole #bostonstrong!
Why You Shouldn’t Root For the Bruins:
Because every single Boston sports fan is a spoiled rotten, insufferable jackass of the highest order. Every single one of their teams has won a title since the turn of the century and they still think every single one of those teams suck and are never happy with them. They’re also horrible racists and have dickbag accents. They should never ever be allowed to enjoy anything.
Buffalo Factor:
Former Sabre Daniel Paille, has turned into a reliable 3rd liner and PKer who has a knack for scoring a big goal every now and then. You may remember him sitting in the press box after a 20 goal season because Lindy Ruff is a shitdick who preferred to play Tim Kennedy and Matt Ellis over him. We did however get a 3rd round pick for him that turned into Kevin Sundher, who at least check still played hockey and is actually under contract with the Sabres still!
Western Conference:
Well, ummm…they’re in Tragedy Mode. So I guess if you don’t root for them, you could be seen as an insensitive asshole #bostonstrong!
Why You Shouldn’t Root For the Bruins:
Because every single Boston sports fan is a spoiled rotten, insufferable jackass of the highest order. Every single one of their teams has won a title since the turn of the century and they still think every single one of those teams suck and are never happy with them. They’re also horrible racists and have dickbag accents. They should never ever be allowed to enjoy anything.
Buffalo Factor:
Former Sabre Daniel Paille, has turned into a reliable 3rd liner and PKer who has a knack for scoring a big goal every now and then. You may remember him sitting in the press box after a 20 goal season because Lindy Ruff is a shitdick who preferred to play Tim Kennedy and Matt Ellis over him. We did however get a 3rd round pick for him that turned into Kevin Sundher, who at least check still played hockey and is actually under contract with the Sabres still!
Western Conference:
Chicago Blackhawks
Clearly it sucks to be Patrick Kane.
Why You Should Root For the Blackhawks:
They’re REALLY fun to watch. Somehow they manage to score more pretty goals than the Penguins do. Just filthy passing plays where everyone from Marian Hossa to Stan Mikita touches the puck before it ends up in the net. They also have the highest Buffalo Factor of the 4 remaining teams.
Why You Shouldn’t Root for the Blackhawks.
Because Jonathan Toews is every bit the whiny little bitch that people think Sidney Crosby is.
Because the Buffalo Factor is polarizing on both sides of the equation.
Because if Corey Crawford gives up like 50 goals in the series, maybe we could trick them into a silly Ryan Miller trade.
Buffalo Factor:
Ah yes…Patrick Kane. Currently the most prominent athlete from any pro sport who hails from the Buffalo area. Pretty easily the best as well. He should be known for being an exciting, young NHL star who is insanely talented and fun to watch. Buuuuuuut, because Buffalo can’t ever have nice things he’s mostly known as being “that drunk retard who shows up on Deadspin a lot and also beat up a cab driver”. By all accounts, Buffalo Youth Hockey’s best ever product is more known for being a total douchebag than for the cool shit he does on the ice. For this a lot of people don’t like him. For me, it’s just another example of #becauseitsbuffalo.
They’re REALLY fun to watch. Somehow they manage to score more pretty goals than the Penguins do. Just filthy passing plays where everyone from Marian Hossa to Stan Mikita touches the puck before it ends up in the net. They also have the highest Buffalo Factor of the 4 remaining teams.
Why You Shouldn’t Root for the Blackhawks.
Because Jonathan Toews is every bit the whiny little bitch that people think Sidney Crosby is.
Because the Buffalo Factor is polarizing on both sides of the equation.
Because if Corey Crawford gives up like 50 goals in the series, maybe we could trick them into a silly Ryan Miller trade.
Buffalo Factor:
Ah yes…Patrick Kane. Currently the most prominent athlete from any pro sport who hails from the Buffalo area. Pretty easily the best as well. He should be known for being an exciting, young NHL star who is insanely talented and fun to watch. Buuuuuuut, because Buffalo can’t ever have nice things he’s mostly known as being “that drunk retard who shows up on Deadspin a lot and also beat up a cab driver”. By all accounts, Buffalo Youth Hockey’s best ever product is more known for being a total douchebag than for the cool shit he does on the ice. For this a lot of people don’t like him. For me, it’s just another example of #becauseitsbuffalo.
Los Angeles Kings
Hockey in California
Why You Should Root For the Kings:
Because you like seeing celebrities at sporting events!
Because California is cool and you should make an effort to live here...don't give me that "It's expensive!!" shit, you already live in New York, it's just as bad there.
You like good goaltending, because Jon Quick is every bit as good as Henrik Lundqvist, he just doesn't get as much press.
Because you want to laugh at the Flyers for trading Mike Richards and Jeff Carter who will have won back to back Cups in LA. Laughing at the Flyers is always great.
Why You Shouldn't Root for the Kings:
Because of that super fucking annoying GO KINGS GO!!! in Cartman's voice that they play in their arena...holy shit is it bad.
Because they won last year.
Because Justin Williams was on the 05-06 Hurricanes, and fuck them forever.
Buffalo Factor:
Not much here. You have Robyn Regehr, who was on the Sabres recently and wasn't very memorable. Kings captain Dustin Brown is from Ithaca if you're stretching a bit.
So there you have it. I'm not going to tell you which choice to make. Each team has won a cup recently, so they're all bandwagony in their own way. The important thing to take away from this is that it really blows when your team isn't in the playoffs to write about.
Because you like seeing celebrities at sporting events!
Because California is cool and you should make an effort to live here...don't give me that "It's expensive!!" shit, you already live in New York, it's just as bad there.
You like good goaltending, because Jon Quick is every bit as good as Henrik Lundqvist, he just doesn't get as much press.
Because you want to laugh at the Flyers for trading Mike Richards and Jeff Carter who will have won back to back Cups in LA. Laughing at the Flyers is always great.
Why You Shouldn't Root for the Kings:
Because of that super fucking annoying GO KINGS GO!!! in Cartman's voice that they play in their arena...holy shit is it bad.
Because they won last year.
Because Justin Williams was on the 05-06 Hurricanes, and fuck them forever.
Buffalo Factor:
Not much here. You have Robyn Regehr, who was on the Sabres recently and wasn't very memorable. Kings captain Dustin Brown is from Ithaca if you're stretching a bit.
So there you have it. I'm not going to tell you which choice to make. Each team has won a cup recently, so they're all bandwagony in their own way. The important thing to take away from this is that it really blows when your team isn't in the playoffs to write about.
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