During the 2012 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will hit your eye holes every Thursday night/Friday morning. If you've been a follower of the Deeg for a while, you may remember that last season featured previews inspired by "The Big Lebowski." This year, as voted by our loyal/psychotic/confused readers, "Super Troopers" has been chosen as the ongoing cinematic theme. After a quick rundown of the game, the rest of the post has been inspired by his idol, Drew Magary, and his weekly previews on Deadspin, and will provide you with some solid predictions (false) and other incredible insight you can only get here (so false). So sit back and enjoy the (shit)show.
The Scizz
The title of this post is aimed at several people. First off, Ryan Fitzpatrick. I hate to agree with Jeremy White, but his break down of how Fitz continued to miss or flat out not throw to wide open receivers while playing the Pats was an accurate portrayal of the inconsistent mass of bearded man he has always been. I understand everybody loves the guy, myself included, but when will those who are still clinging to his 12 touchdowns realize that the guy will never be better than average. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I've said it countless times on this site that Fitz is just not consistent enough to be the leader of a team that needs to focus on minimizing mistakes. He needs a hose beating.
Next up, the linebackers and secondary. Sure, the defensive line shat the bed Sunday for the 2nd time this season, but christ almighty, when they don't show up it shows how absolutely terrible the rest of the defense is. The secondary is filled with inexperienced, underachieving, and injury prone players. The linebackers are still garbage. HOT GARBAGE. I started to buy in juuuuuuuuust a little bit last week, but then they reminded me why I think they are the worst corp in the entire AFC, if not NFL. They all get the hose
Finally, anybody who is still complaining about Brian Moorman gets the hose. He's a punter. Shaun Powell did fine. Get over it. And if you think that whole swapping punters had ANYTHING to do with that monstrosity of a game on Sunday, you get beat with a hose covered in herpes and poison ivy, because you my friend, are special kind of idiot. i bet you draft kickers in the 6th round of your fantasy football draft.
The rest of the preview this week will be a little shorter in some spots because I'm lacking time and patience to sit down to write even somewhat coherent thoughts this week. Deal with it. Onto the Niners.....
The title of this post is aimed at several people. First off, Ryan Fitzpatrick. I hate to agree with Jeremy White, but his break down of how Fitz continued to miss or flat out not throw to wide open receivers while playing the Pats was an accurate portrayal of the inconsistent mass of bearded man he has always been. I understand everybody loves the guy, myself included, but when will those who are still clinging to his 12 touchdowns realize that the guy will never be better than average. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I've said it countless times on this site that Fitz is just not consistent enough to be the leader of a team that needs to focus on minimizing mistakes. He needs a hose beating.
Next up, the linebackers and secondary. Sure, the defensive line shat the bed Sunday for the 2nd time this season, but christ almighty, when they don't show up it shows how absolutely terrible the rest of the defense is. The secondary is filled with inexperienced, underachieving, and injury prone players. The linebackers are still garbage. HOT GARBAGE. I started to buy in juuuuuuuuust a little bit last week, but then they reminded me why I think they are the worst corp in the entire AFC, if not NFL. They all get the hose
Finally, anybody who is still complaining about Brian Moorman gets the hose. He's a punter. Shaun Powell did fine. Get over it. And if you think that whole swapping punters had ANYTHING to do with that monstrosity of a game on Sunday, you get beat with a hose covered in herpes and poison ivy, because you my friend, are special kind of idiot. i bet you draft kickers in the 6th round of your fantasy football draft.
The rest of the preview this week will be a little shorter in some spots because I'm lacking time and patience to sit down to write even somewhat coherent thoughts this week. Deal with it. Onto the Niners.....
Last week sucked hard. REAL HARD. Yet, I'm strangely optimistic this week. I have no clue why, but I've adjusted to this odd NFL where anything can happen. Alex Smith is the least explosive quarterback in the league, but if you put his game managing skills with Fitz's talent, you'd have an All-Pro. Smith can control a game and put the Niners in the right position, and he minimizes mistakes, much like Trent Dilfer did for the Ravens when he was surrounded by talent. But Smith still lacks skill and doesn't scare me in the slightest. Of course this now means he will set records Sunday, so good for meeeeeeeee!
I AM worried about the Niners flurry of RB's and new found weapon Colin Kaepernick. If the Buffalo D-Line doesn't step up and close holes, as well as pressure Smith early and often, this game will be over before it started. Hopefully the defense comes out hot after being made Ms. Brady's bitch last week. Seriously, the size of the vibrator in Mario Williams ass right now must be gigantic. Why did I write that? this is why I'm shortening it up this week.
I AM worried about the Niners flurry of RB's and new found weapon Colin Kaepernick. If the Buffalo D-Line doesn't step up and close holes, as well as pressure Smith early and often, this game will be over before it started. Hopefully the defense comes out hot after being made Ms. Brady's bitch last week. Seriously, the size of the vibrator in Mario Williams ass right now must be gigantic. Why did I write that? this is why I'm shortening it up this week.
Shitty Analysis:
These are already going to start repeating themselves because as I've said many times before, I'm a moron and thinking too much gives me a headache. Unless I'm thinking about whether to drink 4 or 5 scotches when I'm out. That shit's easy.
1. Get back to the ground game and stick with it. Last week it never got going at all and both C.J. and Fred weren't exactly pictures of health, so I understand why it was a fucking disgusting display of a running attack over the course of the game, but this week the Bills have to look like they did in week two and three with the ground game. No more excuses. Freddie and Spiller are both one more week removed from injuries, so dear God let them explode for big gains like we all know they can. Otherwise, inconsistent Fitz gets to lead us to the promise land of 2-3.
2. Control the clock. Which pretty much connects right back to establish a running attack, but I don't care. I'm tired and trying to get this done so you jackoffs have something shitty to read Friday morning. A slow methodical devastation at the hands of Alex Smith is something I can't deal with Sunday.
3. Don't let Patrick Willis murder everybody. He's good. I still kind of hate the 49ers for snatching him up right before we took current MVP candidate Marshawn Lynch, who of course, ran himself (while running over others) out of town.
These are already going to start repeating themselves because as I've said many times before, I'm a moron and thinking too much gives me a headache. Unless I'm thinking about whether to drink 4 or 5 scotches when I'm out. That shit's easy.
1. Get back to the ground game and stick with it. Last week it never got going at all and both C.J. and Fred weren't exactly pictures of health, so I understand why it was a fucking disgusting display of a running attack over the course of the game, but this week the Bills have to look like they did in week two and three with the ground game. No more excuses. Freddie and Spiller are both one more week removed from injuries, so dear God let them explode for big gains like we all know they can. Otherwise, inconsistent Fitz gets to lead us to the promise land of 2-3.
2. Control the clock. Which pretty much connects right back to establish a running attack, but I don't care. I'm tired and trying to get this done so you jackoffs have something shitty to read Friday morning. A slow methodical devastation at the hands of Alex Smith is something I can't deal with Sunday.
3. Don't let Patrick Willis murder everybody. He's good. I still kind of hate the 49ers for snatching him up right before we took current MVP candidate Marshawn Lynch, who of course, ran himself (while running over others) out of town.
$12.95 on e-bay. Seriously. Playlist Additions to fire you up for this week:
Ride the Lightning by Metallica. If you don't know why then I can't help you.
So Seductive by Tony Yayo. True Story. When I first moved to New York City many years ago, I was doing some freelancing, but also worked as a manager of a record store in Queens. One night, on the eve of the release of Tony Yayo's debut album, he rolled into the store with a huge posse and asked to buy every copy of his album that we had. The store needed a few to put out the next day, but I sold him 180 copies of his own CD. I then got his autograph and took a picture with him on my old flip phone. Neeeeeeeeeew Yooooooooooooork! Also, this song is shitty lyrically and in almost every other way, but when I was 24 I couldn't get enough of the beat. Fuck that, I still love it.
Dance to the Music by Sly and the Family Stone. Trying to stay Positive. This is a happy song. (Click the link and watch the video, people. This one is tremendous.)
Random Buffalo Bill of the week:
Rick Strom. Yeaaaaah, this guy was a quarterback on the Buffalo Bills in 1994. I remembered him as the back-up QB for the Steelers on Tecmo Bowl. The original ya'll. That is all I gots because I'm bored with this section.
Ride the Lightning by Metallica. If you don't know why then I can't help you.
So Seductive by Tony Yayo. True Story. When I first moved to New York City many years ago, I was doing some freelancing, but also worked as a manager of a record store in Queens. One night, on the eve of the release of Tony Yayo's debut album, he rolled into the store with a huge posse and asked to buy every copy of his album that we had. The store needed a few to put out the next day, but I sold him 180 copies of his own CD. I then got his autograph and took a picture with him on my old flip phone. Neeeeeeeeeew Yooooooooooooork! Also, this song is shitty lyrically and in almost every other way, but when I was 24 I couldn't get enough of the beat. Fuck that, I still love it.
Dance to the Music by Sly and the Family Stone. Trying to stay Positive. This is a happy song. (Click the link and watch the video, people. This one is tremendous.)
Random Buffalo Bill of the week:
Rick Strom. Yeaaaaah, this guy was a quarterback on the Buffalo Bills in 1994. I remembered him as the back-up QB for the Steelers on Tecmo Bowl. The original ya'll. That is all I gots because I'm bored with this section.
Legendary Drunken Hook-up of the week:
The year after I graduated College, a big group of guys I went to school with decided to take a road trip out to Montreal. It was a weird mix, as three of my best friends were going, two guys I was pretty cool with, and a couple of their random friends that I knew as just acquaintences. The two guys that planned the whole thing did so with their girlfriends. Brilliant, right? Two couples and seven other total assholes whose only concerns were to be drunk 24/7, go to as many strip clubs as possible (where touching is 100% legal), and of course gamble away our newly required post-college paychecks.
We got two rooms TOTAL at a tiny little motel in downtown Montreal. The couples stayed in one room, while the rest of us crammed in the other (Sidenote 1: I almost came to blows with one of the guys who planned it about eight times on the trip. Nobody liked his girlfriend and I made it known very early on. Sidenote 2: I woke up the first morning in a double bed with one of the guys I barely knew and my friend Justin sprawled out on the foot of the bed like dog. He was fully clothed for winter, leather jacket and all. This man is now a police officer.)
Anyways, we went out every night, got hammered, and stumbled home. Rinse and repeat. However on the last night, we all managed to get separated while at some weird dance club where the percentage of clientele and staff that spoke any English was incredibly tiny. We found this hilarious and continued being jerk-off Americans. I ended up having a drunken dance-off with some guy that could actually dance and throwing back way too many shots. A couple other guys returned to strip clubs for more boob touching, while another couple guys cut their losses and headed home. My friend, we'll call Ray, was the true champion.
Pretty early in the night he completely disappeared, and since Ray had always refused to buy a cell phone, we had no way of contacting him, but figured he was fine since, as a professional drunk, he always managed to make it home somehow. Everyone but Ray returned to the hotel by 5am, and just as we all laid down to attempt a few hours of sleep, he flies through the door like a bat out of hell, laughing hysterically. He then goes on to explain to us that while at the weird dance club, he randomly started grinding on some girl who then took a quick shining to him. The rubbing of genitals through clothing and pounding of alcohol continued for a solid 60 minutes without them saying anymore than one or two words to each other. When Ray finally goes to make his big move and bring her home, he realizes she speaks almost no English whatsoever. He takes this as a challenge. Somehow they manage to communicate enough with each other to go to another bar together, and then end up at some house party several miles away, all the time barely speaking and just making out. Finally, after the party, she brings him back to her place and he closes the deal. Upon finishing the job and realizing how drunk they both are, and how awkward a French-English hook up goodbye will be in the morning, he decides to flee while she's in the bathroom. How he managed to remember where we were even staying is beyond me, but the asshole pulled it off.
The next day he re-told the story in front of one of the horrified girlfriends on the trip, and remembered that one of the only things he understood from his hook-up all night was something about hating George W. Bush. He said he just nodded in agreement and kept making out with her. He then admitted he would have agreed that Stalin was one Hell of a guy if it meant him hooking up with some hot, random French-Canadian girl. Mission accomplished.
If you have an awesome drunken hook-up story, e-mail us deargodwhyussports@gmail.com or shoot me a tweet.
Best Twitter Bills fan of the week:
@fgif - With the exception of writing for Buffalo Wins, everything about Frank here is awesome. He may even be making a trip out to NYC if we put this crazy AHL bus trip together. #OccupyBridgeport Details to follow.
Worst Twitter Bills fans of the week:
Some guy who said he was actually happy the Bills lost because now they know their weaknesses and can work on them. Really??? The Deeg told you their weaknesses weeks ago. A mediocre QB who makes terrible decisions, LB's who can't start for the Dolphins, an overrated secondary, and a loveable coach who only seems to know what's happening 50% of the time. But of course, they just figured that out this week so everything is ok now. 14-2, here we come!!!!!
The year after I graduated College, a big group of guys I went to school with decided to take a road trip out to Montreal. It was a weird mix, as three of my best friends were going, two guys I was pretty cool with, and a couple of their random friends that I knew as just acquaintences. The two guys that planned the whole thing did so with their girlfriends. Brilliant, right? Two couples and seven other total assholes whose only concerns were to be drunk 24/7, go to as many strip clubs as possible (where touching is 100% legal), and of course gamble away our newly required post-college paychecks.
We got two rooms TOTAL at a tiny little motel in downtown Montreal. The couples stayed in one room, while the rest of us crammed in the other (Sidenote 1: I almost came to blows with one of the guys who planned it about eight times on the trip. Nobody liked his girlfriend and I made it known very early on. Sidenote 2: I woke up the first morning in a double bed with one of the guys I barely knew and my friend Justin sprawled out on the foot of the bed like dog. He was fully clothed for winter, leather jacket and all. This man is now a police officer.)
Anyways, we went out every night, got hammered, and stumbled home. Rinse and repeat. However on the last night, we all managed to get separated while at some weird dance club where the percentage of clientele and staff that spoke any English was incredibly tiny. We found this hilarious and continued being jerk-off Americans. I ended up having a drunken dance-off with some guy that could actually dance and throwing back way too many shots. A couple other guys returned to strip clubs for more boob touching, while another couple guys cut their losses and headed home. My friend, we'll call Ray, was the true champion.
Pretty early in the night he completely disappeared, and since Ray had always refused to buy a cell phone, we had no way of contacting him, but figured he was fine since, as a professional drunk, he always managed to make it home somehow. Everyone but Ray returned to the hotel by 5am, and just as we all laid down to attempt a few hours of sleep, he flies through the door like a bat out of hell, laughing hysterically. He then goes on to explain to us that while at the weird dance club, he randomly started grinding on some girl who then took a quick shining to him. The rubbing of genitals through clothing and pounding of alcohol continued for a solid 60 minutes without them saying anymore than one or two words to each other. When Ray finally goes to make his big move and bring her home, he realizes she speaks almost no English whatsoever. He takes this as a challenge. Somehow they manage to communicate enough with each other to go to another bar together, and then end up at some house party several miles away, all the time barely speaking and just making out. Finally, after the party, she brings him back to her place and he closes the deal. Upon finishing the job and realizing how drunk they both are, and how awkward a French-English hook up goodbye will be in the morning, he decides to flee while she's in the bathroom. How he managed to remember where we were even staying is beyond me, but the asshole pulled it off.
The next day he re-told the story in front of one of the horrified girlfriends on the trip, and remembered that one of the only things he understood from his hook-up all night was something about hating George W. Bush. He said he just nodded in agreement and kept making out with her. He then admitted he would have agreed that Stalin was one Hell of a guy if it meant him hooking up with some hot, random French-Canadian girl. Mission accomplished.
If you have an awesome drunken hook-up story, e-mail us deargodwhyussports@gmail.com or shoot me a tweet.
Best Twitter Bills fan of the week:
@fgif - With the exception of writing for Buffalo Wins, everything about Frank here is awesome. He may even be making a trip out to NYC if we put this crazy AHL bus trip together. #OccupyBridgeport Details to follow.
Worst Twitter Bills fans of the week:
Some guy who said he was actually happy the Bills lost because now they know their weaknesses and can work on them. Really??? The Deeg told you their weaknesses weeks ago. A mediocre QB who makes terrible decisions, LB's who can't start for the Dolphins, an overrated secondary, and a loveable coach who only seems to know what's happening 50% of the time. But of course, they just figured that out this week so everything is ok now. 14-2, here we come!!!!!
Rock beats scissors, DAVE!
Predictions:
Nailed it with Anderson sucking last week, but I'm a fucking idiot for thinking Nick Barnett would do anything. Unless Nicky B averages a sack a game for the rest of the year, I will refrain from saying anything positive about him. Fuck our linebackers.
Top Stat line of the week: Rian Lindell 5/6 FG 33, 37, 46, 47, 53 2/2 XP
It's gonna be one of those games.
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Mario Williams 1 tackle, Zero sacks
The saga continues! Jerry Sullivan FTW!!!
Nailed it with Anderson sucking last week, but I'm a fucking idiot for thinking Nick Barnett would do anything. Unless Nicky B averages a sack a game for the rest of the year, I will refrain from saying anything positive about him. Fuck our linebackers.
Top Stat line of the week: Rian Lindell 5/6 FG 33, 37, 46, 47, 53 2/2 XP
It's gonna be one of those games.
Garbage pale Stat line of the week: Mario Williams 1 tackle, Zero sacks
The saga continues! Jerry Sullivan FTW!!!
Die. Potential 49ers Injuries of the week:
Donte Whitner: BITCH ASS PIECE OF SHIT Syndrome
Randy Moss' Dog: Indigestion
Vernon Davis: Singletary Flashbacks
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
Shaun Powell - Holder's Elbow
Jarius Byrd - Everything apparently
Chad Rinehart - Mandatory Weekly O-Line Injury
Drunkest Deeg member of the week:
No clue who won last week. I wasn't that drunk, and I don't think Yachter was either. Apologist had to work, and although I know he was drinking, there is no way Dubs could come close to the one Deeg member that was witnessing that atrocity live. Outlander takes week four down.
This week it looks like we are all spread out again. I have a wedding planning commitment Sunday evening, so I can't get loaded and I've barely talked to the rest of the Deeg all week since I've been busy as hell with work. Yachtsman will be at a beer festival all day Sunday, so he's the obvious choice. Although, I have an urge to pick Barrister, just because. Eh, sticking with the guy drinking free 9.8% alcohol beers all day. The first rankings will be released after week 6.
Overall Score: God have mercy on my soul.
Bills 29 - 49ers 27
-@TheScizz
I've posted this before, but fuck it.
Donte Whitner: BITCH ASS PIECE OF SHIT Syndrome
Randy Moss' Dog: Indigestion
Vernon Davis: Singletary Flashbacks
Potential Bills Injuries for the week:
Shaun Powell - Holder's Elbow
Jarius Byrd - Everything apparently
Chad Rinehart - Mandatory Weekly O-Line Injury
Drunkest Deeg member of the week:
No clue who won last week. I wasn't that drunk, and I don't think Yachter was either. Apologist had to work, and although I know he was drinking, there is no way Dubs could come close to the one Deeg member that was witnessing that atrocity live. Outlander takes week four down.
This week it looks like we are all spread out again. I have a wedding planning commitment Sunday evening, so I can't get loaded and I've barely talked to the rest of the Deeg all week since I've been busy as hell with work. Yachtsman will be at a beer festival all day Sunday, so he's the obvious choice. Although, I have an urge to pick Barrister, just because. Eh, sticking with the guy drinking free 9.8% alcohol beers all day. The first rankings will be released after week 6.
Overall Score: God have mercy on my soul.
Bills 29 - 49ers 27
-@TheScizz
I've posted this before, but fuck it.
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