FINALLY, The Scizz has COME BACK to DGWU Sports!
Second of all, the Barrister has been begging me to write something for over a year now and I like to make my little buddy happy (full disclosure he is larger than me and could crush me Of Mice and Men Style). So here I am Barrister, writing a flaming pile of crap on a shitty work laptop. You asked for it.
And finally, dare I say I miss it a little. Twitter and the blogosphere can really become exhausting, but in small doses I’ve been much better at handling the ins and outs of miserable pricks who complain about everything, fat assholes who always think they know more than you, and political jibber jabber that makes my eyes bleed. Also, I just used the term “jibber jabber”.
This year instead of picking one movie to use a quote for the title of each week’s preview, I’m going to ask twitter which one to use and take the best one. Try to keep it on theme week to week you creeps.
So let’s get started, shall we?
2. Offensive Weapons! When the Bills traded for Shady McCoy I was shocked just like the rest of you. The team was in dire need of a starting tailback with the aging Fred Jackson and guaranteed departure of C.J. Spiller, but to think they could pull the trigger on the deal with just giving up Kiko Alonso was absolutely crazy. Nothing against Kiko, but I’d make that deal 10 times over to upgrade at RB. On top of that, the Bills go out and add Percy Harvin and by gawd a legit Number 1 Tight End in Charles Clay and oh crap things just got a lot more fun. I’m going to ignore that whole no quarterback thing for now because I’m not just riding on the Tyrod Taylor bandwagon, I’m attaching rockets to it and flying down Hertel doing 143 like motherfucking Sheldon Richardson.
3. The Defense! Ohhhhh that defense. I never expected Jerry Hughes to re-sign, so that whole situation just makes me giddy. The front four is a force to be reckoned with and should be terrorizing QB’s for years to come thanks to the Dareus extension. It amazes me that I have friends who are Jets fans that somehow think they have a better D-line than the Bills. I’m the least homerish sports fan I know and even I know that’s just insane. Anyway, with strong young linebackers like Preston Brown and Nigel Bradham, Manny Lawson returning to his natural position, an approaching shutdown corner in Stephon Gilmore, and great depth almost everywhere, how can you NOT get excited about this group?
Top three reasons to be terrified about week 1:
2. The Offensive weapons? Shady had an off year, has been hurt all pre-season, and throws underground orgy parties. Percy Harvin has been unwanted everywhere he has gone. Sammy Watkins looks to be only the 3rd best WR from last year’s draft. Our Tight End’s name is “Charles” and the new starting QB has been backing up the not-so-elite Joe Flacco. Hold me.
3. The Defense? What if the D-line underwhelms? With all those shiny new contracts and guaranteed money they shit the bed? Preston Brown over Kiko can’t possibly work out two years in a row!?!? And I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m very concerned about Leodis McKelvin being injured. This is so Buffalo of me right now.
Alcoholic Beverage of the week:
The Naaman Roosevelt Memorial player of the week:
Every week I will give this award to a player who was unceremoniously cut from the Bills, and while most people with a basic high school education couldn’t care less, a few insane fans lost their shit over it. This week’s award goes to…..
No, this week’s award goes to the namesake of the trophy, Naaman Roosevelt himself. If you’re unsure of who he is, just know he went to high school at St. Joe’s and college at UB so you can most likely figure out why people got worked out about him being cut. Although he did spend some time on the roster and practice squad, last year he was cut for the final time and a handful of Merfia mouthbreathers lost their ever loving minds over it. I actually once wrote about one lady who claimed, because of the release, that she would no longer by season tickets. Read that again. A team that at that point had not made the playoffs in 14 years and the release of a guy named Naaman is what set her over the top. You can’t make this shit up. Also I believe she has a Bills tattoo so it all makes perfect sense.
Naaman know works for some Canadian company named the Saskatchewan Roughriders I dunno. Never heard of it. Still waiting for his rap album In the Naaman of the Father to drop one of these years.
Fantasy Football Diamond in the rough and Fugazi of the week:
In a new feature for the previews, my buddy Dane aka Speedz Keyno will feature some fantasy football takes, well, let's have him explain:
Diamonds in the Rough are guys who have warts and may not be expected to produce all season, but who have a favorable matchup or gameflow this week... Sometimes ya got to dig for it!
Fugazis? What's a fugazi? It looks nice and shiny - like something you want to spend some money on... But it's a fake, a fraud. You buy that, you're a real dunceski.
Diamond in the Rough and Fugazi
Diamond in the rough 1 – Bishop Sankey. This is likely the one time I will ever call Bishop Sankey a diamond in the rough. It’s certainly not on talent - dear God no - but with David Cobb on IR and Terrance West not ready after being acquired from Cleveland, there are literally no other options for Wisenhunt and Mariota and a path to more touches than 2048 on the subway (told you I was a NY guy). Tampa gave up the 8th most points to RB’s last year and I expect him to catch a few balls too.
100+ Combined Yards, TD
Diamond in the rough 2 – Greg Olsen. Sensing a theme here? Exactly whom is Cam throwing the ball to in Jacksonville? Olsen may get more shine than anytime since he was part of the 7th floor crew getting weird with his 3rd leg. Oh G-Reg (NSFW). Regardless, he’s gonna be the #2 TE all season and it starts this week with over a dozen targets. Unless you believe in Ted Ginn and Corey/Philly/Corey Brown of course.
8 Rec, 96 Yards, TD
Fugazi 1 – Alshon Jeffrey. Reports out of Chicago say Alshon is trending towards playing, but this may be more of a decoy situation than anything else. We saw this with Calvin Johnson a few times last year, and calf injuries can get aggravated during a game easier than a mob boss losing a bet. Eddie Royal will be the Chicago receiver to start this week in the opener.
2 Rec, 28 Yards (Does not Finish)
Fugazi 2 – Marshawn Lynch. I know you can’t take much from the preseason and Beast Mode feels good enough to wear Kam Chancellor’s number at practice (and not get fined), but the Seahawks offensive line may be more of a question mark than anyone cares to admit. Combine that with a matchup against a real good defensive line (this team has Nick Fairley on their 2nd unit) in a road divisional game, and trying to feed Marshawn the ball to make up for the end of the last game they played may not be the best gameplan…this week. Props to “The League” for covering it in their opening.
73 Combined Yards
Buffalo Bills Player / Pro Wrestler of the Week:
Another new feature! After ordering the WWE network last summer to keep myself occupied during my off weeks from work, it has now taken me down a giant wormhole of professional wrestling that has me listening to not one, but TWO wrestling podcasts every week, watching random streams of Japanese wrestling, and also going to my first live indie wrestling show in Queens a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure as I resume work this obsession will die down, but for now I thought this would be fun.
Bills Player: Robert Woods
Don’t sleep on Robert Woods yo. Despite Sammy Watkins being the big play threat and Percy Harvin joining the team, Robert Woods should be able to still put up some solid numbers in his 3rd season, especially after really impressing me as a go to guy for Kyle Orton last year. I won’t be shocked to see him in the end zone this week.
Speaking of guys who fly under the radar but can steal the show from the bigger names, Ziggler is a guy I’ve learned to love in pro wrestling over the last year. The guy consistently puts on great matches but is rarely in the main event. Also his name is Dolph and he used to boink Amy Schumer.
That’s right! Because nobody demanded it, El Greasico is back with obscene tirades against Buffalo sports, the media, and even us. Nobody is safe. This season, I will be sending a topic to the greasy one and ask for his response. What follows is his unedited response. Please forgive me, but he begged, and honestly I’m terrified of him. I apologize for anything written from here on out. God Speed!
This week’s topic is a doozy (because I have nothing to say about it):
[Do-do-do-do-do-do-do] YOU CANT C ME...because I'm a Mexican midget. I'm Lil Greasico And yes, I'm a midget. Not a fucking little person you dumb fucking liberal twats. A little person is a short person or a kid. I AM MIDGET DAMMIT!!
So, The 2015 Barfs season is here and I decided to hack into Scizzyballs Twitter to see what was going on (Password: Shawn Michaels assless chaps) and found out we are talking about Tim Graham going against Matthew Coller. Who the fuck are these fucking gringos and why are we talking about them? First off, both guys suck giant Mexican balls and I'm not gonna figure out what this argument is because they are always the same.
So, whose side am I on?
The side that doesn't give two shits about this.
You fucking smelly hipster bloggers can only talk about this because you can't talk about actual sports. Look at this fucking site? When was the last time someone talked about either team? ITS ALL ABOUT FIRING OR FUCKING JOE MORGAN pieces or fucking Barfister's feelings...ALL 20,000 WORDS! They fucking did a podcast with 3 people and talked for 2 hours about this argument and sources. TWO FUCKING HOURS! WHAT FUCKING IDIOT WOULD LISTEN TO THAT?
No wonder Fatsmendust, Scizzyballs, and Apoladick left this 2-bit fucking site when they finally found girlfriends who would fuck them on a weekly basis.
And that Buffalowins illiterate asshole thinks he's fucking Dickspin because he worked in media for 5 minutes getting Art Wander his toupee and has bullshit takes that no one cares about. You can all rot in fucking hell. You can't talk sports, and in order to be cool or expand your shit brand, you talk about all these bullshit media issues in hopes that you can get on a Trending buffalo podcast with Alan Bendmeovernko, Fat smith and Crap Riter and have a giant circle jerk about how awesome it is to be a liberal blogger who makes less than the 500lbs whores I fuck in Mexico. Seriously, fuck you.
Oh, and don't get me started on the way you cockroaches took sides in this. Here's a sample of tweets to these pendejos:
"Oh, Mr. Graham. You are an inspiration to me as a writer. Buffalo is lucky. I can't wait to make 7 bucks an hour for the rest of my life covering the Toledo Hens for the paper. You rock and fuck Dickface coller."
[Graham retweets it while fondling himself after looking at the photos of Nunslife magazine and ironing Sully's white hood]
"Oh, Matthew. I love Corsi! I love advanced stats. You bragged about playing baseball for some school I never heard of. You are the future. Fuck Flatface Graham"
[Coller retweets this from his 2nd job at the Meat packing plant rocky worked at]
Oh, and let's not forget you fucktards begging to get drinks with either of these guys so you can blow smoke up their asses and talk shit about Harrington's envy of Subway Jarred getting fucked in jail.
Here's a secret: The Buffalo press club DOESN'T LIKE YOU!!
IYAYAYYAAYYAYAYAAYYA [Snorts cocaine off of Buffalo wins mom's ass]
They go home after work and laugh at all of you because you are all ugly!! They just pretend to be your friend so you can take their sides over bullshit like this. Then, after you suck them off after taking their side, you'll buy them drinks or beg them to come to winefest so they can get on this action...
Oh, predictions...Bills lose, 53-5. Fuck all of you for wasting your time on Sex Ryan. I hope he jumps out of a plane after the Bills get crushed and lands on everyone who gave a fuck about Coller vs Graham.
Ouch. That was really, really awful. But on tooooo…..
THE FINAL PREDICTION!
The Buffalo defense breaks down and Tyrod saves the day!
Buffalo 37 – 34
Follow me @Tha_Scizz