The Commander
Greetings all!! I haven't blogged anything in a very long time, and for that I apologize. You see, when last we left me...I was happy, living in beautiful, warm California...enjoying life as much as I ever had. Funny thing that happens when you're with someone in the medical profession, they have to do internships and residencies for like 15 years after they pay six figures for the privilege of getting their degree. So you end up moving all over the country (and maybe even Canada!) while they're basically paid less than minimum wage and you never ever see them. This sort of vagabond lifestyle leads you to such exotic locales as my current home: Long Island.
So here we are, cold, miserable, and I haven't left my house in like 6 days. What better time to fire up the old blogging URL and wax poetic about our favorite hockey team, the Sabres.
First off, you need to go watch this or else the theme is going to be lost on you. If you haven't seen it, you can probably still follow along...but you should watch that video anyway because it's all sorts of brilliant and funny.
And with that I present...
Greetings all!! I haven't blogged anything in a very long time, and for that I apologize. You see, when last we left me...I was happy, living in beautiful, warm California...enjoying life as much as I ever had. Funny thing that happens when you're with someone in the medical profession, they have to do internships and residencies for like 15 years after they pay six figures for the privilege of getting their degree. So you end up moving all over the country (and maybe even Canada!) while they're basically paid less than minimum wage and you never ever see them. This sort of vagabond lifestyle leads you to such exotic locales as my current home: Long Island.
So here we are, cold, miserable, and I haven't left my house in like 6 days. What better time to fire up the old blogging URL and wax poetic about our favorite hockey team, the Sabres.
First off, you need to go watch this or else the theme is going to be lost on you. If you haven't seen it, you can probably still follow along...but you should watch that video anyway because it's all sorts of brilliant and funny.
And with that I present...
Your 2014-2015 Buffalo Sabres!!
This diminutive right winger is the captain of the team. He willingly (no seriously) signed with the Sabres over the summer as a free agent from Montreal. He hails from Rochester, NY, making him sort of a local guy which is cool. He once scored 40 goals (in a season!) for New Jersey. If you get 10% of that out of him this year considering how completely lost he's looked, consider it a good signing. In all honesty, he's here to help groom the younger players and teach them how to be solid professionals. I don't know, I want to say meaner shit about him, but like he really seems like a good dude who cares and wants to be here.
Your leading scorer from last year's team returns with a brand new 5 year contract. Seems like the random position generator now has him playing wing where it's going to be harder for him to skate all over the place stickhandling around people and then passing the puck to a wide open space than it was when he was a center. I'm sure he'll still find a way while whichever players are on the ice with him are yelling for the puck. He's kind of like the discount store version of Maxim Afinogenov.
I seriously can't believe they re-signed this fucking guy. If they didn't give him a 3 year (!!!!!!!!!!!) contract, he probably would have been on a PTO in the Coyotes organization or something.
The #2 overall draft pick in the 2014 NHL Draft was here for like 7 minutes of total ice time, playing with useless shit garbage and was eventually returned to his junior team.
I really like Matt Moulson. He's another guy who willingly signed here as a free agent, even after being on the same horrible team last year. He does a lot of cool shit in the community and he wants to be invested in the resurgence of the hockey team. Sadly, his contract is only 5 years long. I'm not going to fault him for his lack of goal scoring, as he's been saddled with puckhog Ennis for most of the year so far. I don't even think he knows what the puck even looks like anymore.
If only you played hockey as good as you looked. There's so many candid pictures of this guy on the internet that even I got a little wet looking at them all.
DID YOU KNOW THAT HE'S FROM BUFFALO????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
Who gives a flying fuck? He'll be hurt or suspended by Thanksgiving and you can go read one of 37 fluff pieces about his 95th comeback while you unwrap Christmas gifts.
Who gives a flying fuck? He'll be hurt or suspended by Thanksgiving and you can go read one of 37 fluff pieces about his 95th comeback while you unwrap Christmas gifts.
"Backchecking?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
If this guy was Russian, Paul Hamilton would have a "Cody Hodgson Sucks" hate piece every week. Because he's Canadian, people are just starting to turn on him. It'll all be forgiven if he drops a few goals anytime soon.
If this guy was Russian, Paul Hamilton would have a "Cody Hodgson Sucks" hate piece every week. Because he's Canadian, people are just starting to turn on him. It'll all be forgiven if he drops a few goals anytime soon.
Yep, still here. I don't know either.
Honestly, I find him to be one of the most likeable Sabres. He doesn't really give bullshit answers to questions and he legit gives a fuck about them being a shitshow. I am also pretty sure he realizes the coach is a complete farce. I really hope they trade him to a contender and he gets a Cup. I will 100% be happy for him when he's dumping goals into the net on Crosby's wing in April.
Honestly, I find him to be one of the most likeable Sabres. He doesn't really give bullshit answers to questions and he legit gives a fuck about them being a shitshow. I am also pretty sure he realizes the coach is a complete farce. I really hope they trade him to a contender and he gets a Cup. I will 100% be happy for him when he's dumping goals into the net on Crosby's wing in April.
IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE A STEW...
If Jerry Sullivan knew Chris Stewart was black, Jerry Sullivan would write about how lazy and uninspiring this guy was at least 2 or 3 times a month. Pretty sure Jerry Sullivan doesn't even know who he is though. You probably shouldn't bother finding out more about him either, he's destined to be traded anytime between now and the trade deadline.
If Jerry Sullivan knew Chris Stewart was black, Jerry Sullivan would write about how lazy and uninspiring this guy was at least 2 or 3 times a month. Pretty sure Jerry Sullivan doesn't even know who he is though. You probably shouldn't bother finding out more about him either, he's destined to be traded anytime between now and the trade deadline.
The Best. Period. End of Story.
We fucking love you Brian Flynn.
We fucking love you Brian Flynn.
This guy was as boring and mediocre as humanly possible until the Sabres ran his "Get to Know" video during one of the games. It was revealed in said video that he likes to "go home after the games and read Fox News". This in of itself is incredibly dull and boring, but if you picture him sitting around the locker room bitching about Obamacare and turning to Drew Stafford with a "...and I don't buy that was a real birth certificate," he becomes incredibly more interesting.
This guy...I don't know. I feel like I should like him because he's as good of a player you'll find on the Sabres. That being said, I fucking loathe him because he's become the new poster boy for "YOU KNOW HE JUST WORKS REAL HARD AND". That stuff, as previously discussed in this space, makes me very uncomfortable. I'm going to sit on the Zemgus fence until those highlight reel goals happen more than once every 6-8 weeks.
I mean, he's not the worst defenseman on the team anymore?
 |  |
These two chucklefucks make Weber look like a perennial Norris candidate. Yet, in each game's box score, you'll look and say "He played 24 minutes?? The fuck?"
Also, just interchange them and call them BenMez...they're the exact same dude.
Also, just interchange them and call them BenMez...they're the exact same dude.
He's really quietly good for a 19 year old kid. So much so that a fun Sabres mini-game is watching him look completely confused when one of the "veterans" fucks up one of his passes. He just kind of stands there like "man, I can't believe this shit." If he was on a team that was decent, with a coach that's not literally retarded, he'd have lots of goals and points right now.
I'm 100% sure that he was a Rochester signing that Ted Nolan fell in love with because he just seems like the type of guy Ted Nolan gets boners over.
That being said, he runs a rescue program for stray dogs, so he and I are cool.
That being said, he runs a rescue program for stray dogs, so he and I are cool.
Forever known as "guy who picked Buffalo over Toronto". They should build him a statue for that fact alone. He's a great guy for the younger defensemen to learn from. Anyone who's already blocked more shots than 40% of the goalies in the league is a guy you want around your team.
It feels like he's been here for like 20 years already. Probably feels even longer to him.
You have to root for Zadorov. He's literally the perfect player to me. Check this out:
1) Russian
2) Does the HIT PEOPLE GOOD thing everyone gets boners over
3) has an attitude
4) is a legitimate KHL flight risk
5) was scratched for players not anywhere near as good as he is as a fucking 19 year old
You can't really pick a side with him, it's fantastic. God bless you Nikita.
He's going to be the one to tell Paul Hamilton to go fuck himself one day. I truly believe in this.
1) Russian
2) Does the HIT PEOPLE GOOD thing everyone gets boners over
3) has an attitude
4) is a legitimate KHL flight risk
5) was scratched for players not anywhere near as good as he is as a fucking 19 year old
You can't really pick a side with him, it's fantastic. God bless you Nikita.
He's going to be the one to tell Paul Hamilton to go fuck himself one day. I truly believe in this.
Some of these guys have been around so long that I'm out of things to say about them. I outsourced Jhonas to my Twitter followers:
@essbeeay he's swedish
— Mike Gatas (@mjgatas) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay No filter in postgame.
— Ryan Nagelhout (@goosesroost) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay strong taste in gear
— Chris Ostrander (@2ITB_Buffalo) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay Weird coffee cramping thing is kinda cute. Old pic of him sitting on the net in Portland is superb.
— Scott Michalak (@ScottyMCSS) November 11, 2014 @2ITB_Buffalo @essbeeay Strong Twitter game plus supports You Can Play.
— Wasp (@CriminallyVu1ga) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay coffee connoisseur
— Sabre Tett (@SabreAnalyst) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay Tidy.
— The DefenseCline (@TheDefenseman) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay he's not Tom Draper?
— cre (@therealschwemm) November 11, 2014 @essbeeay Hair game on point always. Also: http://t.co/L1eaGlyABD
— steph (@carrotbazooka) November 11, 2014 And perhaps most importantly....
@essbeeay He hasn't shot up the dressing room yet.
— Daniel R (@PleadsDS) November 11, 2014 
Our goaltending tandem is really fucking cute. They're also fairly good. Neuvirth has become the #1 and he's earned it. He's been pretty great considering the amount of shots he sees and the "defense" that plays in front of him. The knock on him in Washington was that he's fairly brittle, so hopefully he can hold up another few months or so.
"I like the way The Commander battled to put something up on the blog today. Good things happen when he works hard. We just need to see that fire and that compete on a consistent level."
You can literally pick some random words - add "battle, compete, work, effort" into them and write a post game Ted Nolan press conference. It's so fucking predictable that I am starting to think he's trolling everyone because he knows this is it for him in the NHL. And it is...we all know the ultimate goal here is to win like 5 games and get a McDavid/Eichel...Ted's a patsy. Ted's completely shot as an NHL coach when this is over. I mean, this team can't break out of it's own zone, doesn't play any sort of organized system, and literally can't pass the puck. Ted don't care, Ted is cashing his paycheck, making nice with the media guys, floating out some cliches and laughing his ass off.
If I didn't hate him so much, I'd almost admire the few fucks he has to give.
And that's it, that's your 2014-15 Sabres roster in a nutshell. A carefully collected group of guys with their eye on the ultimate prize. Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel. And godspeed to them...we all need this.
Press the button Smarftoof....press the god damned button.
You can literally pick some random words - add "battle, compete, work, effort" into them and write a post game Ted Nolan press conference. It's so fucking predictable that I am starting to think he's trolling everyone because he knows this is it for him in the NHL. And it is...we all know the ultimate goal here is to win like 5 games and get a McDavid/Eichel...Ted's a patsy. Ted's completely shot as an NHL coach when this is over. I mean, this team can't break out of it's own zone, doesn't play any sort of organized system, and literally can't pass the puck. Ted don't care, Ted is cashing his paycheck, making nice with the media guys, floating out some cliches and laughing his ass off.
If I didn't hate him so much, I'd almost admire the few fucks he has to give.
And that's it, that's your 2014-15 Sabres roster in a nutshell. A carefully collected group of guys with their eye on the ultimate prize. Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel. And godspeed to them...we all need this.
Press the button Smarftoof....press the god damned button.
RSS Feed
