Dear God Why Us Sports
"You are a complete embarrassment to anyone legitimately trying to blog.
You're gonna ruin it for everyone else. Keep it up." - Mike Harrington, TBN
  • Blog
  • The Deeg Podcast Industries
  • Mission Statement
  • Contributors

Too Many Mooks - A 2014-15 Sabres Primer

11/11/2014

0 Comments

 
The Commander

Greetings all!! I haven't blogged anything in a very long time, and for that I apologize. You see, when last we left me...I was happy, living in beautiful, warm California...enjoying life as much as I ever had. Funny thing that happens when you're with someone in the medical profession, they have to do internships and residencies for like 15 years after they pay six figures for the privilege of getting their degree. So you end up moving all over the country (and maybe even Canada!) while they're basically paid less than minimum wage and you never ever see them. This sort of vagabond lifestyle leads you to such exotic locales as my current home: Long Island. 

So here we are, cold, miserable, and I haven't left my house in like 6 days. What better time to fire up the old blogging URL and wax poetic about our favorite hockey team, the Sabres. 

First off, you need to go watch this or else the theme is going to be lost on you. If you haven't seen it, you can probably still follow along...but you should watch that video anyway because it's all sorts of brilliant and funny. 

And with that I present...


Your 2014-2015 Buffalo Sabres!!

Picture
This diminutive right winger is the captain of the team. He willingly (no seriously) signed with the Sabres over the summer as a free agent from Montreal. He hails from Rochester, NY, making him sort of a local guy which is cool. He once scored 40 goals (in a season!) for New Jersey. If you get 10% of that out of him this year considering how completely lost he's looked, consider it a good signing. In all honesty, he's here to help groom the younger players and teach them how to be solid professionals. I don't know, I want to say meaner shit about him, but like he really seems like a good dude who cares and wants to be here.
Picture
Your leading scorer from last year's team returns with a brand new 5 year contract. Seems like the random position generator now has him playing wing where it's going to be harder for him to skate all over the place stickhandling around people and then passing the puck to a wide open space than it was when he was a center. I'm sure he'll still find a way while whichever players are on the ice with him are yelling for the puck. He's kind of like the discount store version of Maxim Afinogenov. 
Picture
I seriously can't believe they re-signed this fucking guy. If they didn't give him a 3 year (!!!!!!!!!!!) contract, he probably would have been on a PTO in the Coyotes organization or something. 
Picture
The #2 overall draft pick in the 2014 NHL Draft was here for like 7 minutes of total ice time, playing with useless shit garbage and was eventually returned to his junior team. 
Picture
I really like Matt Moulson. He's another guy who willingly signed here as a free agent, even after being on the same horrible team last year. He does a lot of cool shit in the community and he wants to be invested in the resurgence of the hockey team. Sadly, his contract is only 5 years long. I'm not going to fault him for his lack of goal scoring, as he's been saddled with puckhog Ennis for most of the year so far. I don't even think he knows what the puck even looks like anymore. 
Picture
If only you played hockey as good as you looked. There's so many candid pictures of this guy on the internet that even I got a little wet looking at them all. 
Picture
DID YOU KNOW THAT HE'S FROM BUFFALO????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

Who gives a flying fuck? He'll be hurt or suspended by Thanksgiving and you can go read one of 37 fluff pieces about his 95th comeback while you unwrap Christmas gifts. 
Picture
"Backchecking?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

If this guy was Russian, Paul Hamilton would have a "Cody Hodgson Sucks" hate piece every week. Because he's Canadian, people are just starting to turn on him. It'll all be forgiven if he drops a few goals anytime soon. 
Picture
Yep, still here. I don't know either. 

Honestly, I find him to be one of the most likeable Sabres. He doesn't really give bullshit answers to questions and he legit gives a fuck about them being a shitshow. I am also pretty sure he realizes the coach is a complete farce. I really hope they trade him to a contender and he gets a Cup. I will 100% be happy for him when he's dumping goals into the net on Crosby's wing in April. 
Picture
IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE A STEW...

If Jerry Sullivan knew Chris Stewart was black, Jerry Sullivan would write about how lazy and uninspiring this guy was at least 2 or 3 times a month. Pretty sure Jerry Sullivan doesn't even know who he is though. You probably shouldn't bother finding out more about him either, he's destined to be traded anytime between now and the trade deadline. 
Picture
The Best. Period. End of Story. 

We fucking love you Brian Flynn. 
Picture
This guy was as boring and mediocre as humanly possible until the Sabres ran his "Get to Know" video during one of the games. It was revealed in said video that he likes to "go home after the games and read Fox News". This in of itself is incredibly dull and boring, but if you picture him sitting around the locker room bitching about Obamacare and turning to Drew Stafford with a "...and I don't buy that was a real birth certificate," he becomes incredibly more interesting. 
Picture
This guy...I don't know. I feel like I should like him because he's as good of a player you'll find on the Sabres. That being said, I fucking loathe him because he's become the new poster boy for "YOU KNOW HE JUST WORKS REAL HARD AND". That stuff, as previously discussed in this space, makes me very uncomfortable. I'm going to sit on the Zemgus fence until those highlight reel goals happen more than once every 6-8 weeks. 
Picture
I mean, he's not the worst defenseman on the team anymore? 
Picture
Picture
These two chucklefucks make Weber look like a perennial Norris candidate. Yet, in each game's box score, you'll look and say "He played 24 minutes?? The fuck?"

Also, just interchange them and call them BenMez...they're the exact same dude. 
Picture
He's really quietly good for a 19 year old kid. So much so that a fun Sabres mini-game is watching him look completely confused when one of the "veterans" fucks up one of his passes. He just kind of stands there like "man, I can't believe this shit." If he was on a team that was decent, with a coach that's not literally retarded, he'd have lots of goals and points right now. 
Picture
I'm 100% sure that he was a Rochester signing that Ted Nolan fell in love with because he just seems like the type of guy Ted Nolan gets boners over. 

That being said, he runs a rescue program for stray dogs, so he and I are cool. 
Picture
Forever known as "guy who picked Buffalo over Toronto". They should build him a statue for that fact alone. He's a great guy for the younger defensemen to learn from. Anyone who's already blocked more shots than 40% of the goalies in the league is a guy you want around your team. 
Picture
It feels like he's been here for like 20 years already. Probably feels even longer to him. 
Picture
You have to root for Zadorov. He's literally the perfect player to me. Check this out:

1) Russian
2) Does the HIT PEOPLE GOOD thing everyone gets boners over
3) has an attitude
4) is a legitimate KHL flight risk
5) was scratched for players not anywhere near as good as he is as a fucking 19 year old

You can't really pick a side with him, it's fantastic. God bless you Nikita. 

He's going to be the one to tell Paul Hamilton to go fuck himself one day. I truly believe in this. 
Picture
Some of these guys have been around so long that I'm out of things to say about them. I outsourced Jhonas to my Twitter followers:


@essbeeay he's swedish

— Mike Gatas (@mjgatas) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay No filter in postgame.

— Ryan Nagelhout (@goosesroost) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay strong taste in gear

— Chris Ostrander (@2ITB_Buffalo) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay Weird coffee cramping thing is kinda cute. Old pic of him sitting on the net in Portland is superb.

— Scott Michalak (@ScottyMCSS) November 11, 2014

@2ITB_Buffalo @essbeeay Strong Twitter game plus supports You Can Play.

— Wasp (@CriminallyVu1ga) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay coffee connoisseur

— Sabre Tett (@SabreAnalyst) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay Tidy.

— The DefenseCline (@TheDefenseman) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay he's not Tom Draper?

— cre (@therealschwemm) November 11, 2014

@essbeeay Hair game on point always. Also: http://t.co/L1eaGlyABD

— steph (@carrotbazooka) November 11, 2014
And perhaps most importantly....

@essbeeay He hasn't shot up the dressing room yet.

— Daniel R (@PleadsDS) November 11, 2014
Picture
Our goaltending tandem is really fucking cute. They're also fairly good. Neuvirth has become the #1 and he's earned it. He's been pretty great considering the amount of shots he sees and the "defense" that plays in front of him. The knock on him in Washington was that he's fairly brittle, so hopefully he can hold up another few months or so. 
Picture
"I like the way The Commander battled to put something up on the blog today. Good things happen when he works hard. We just need to see that fire and that compete on a consistent level."

You can literally pick some random words - add "battle, compete, work, effort" into them and write a post game Ted Nolan press conference. It's so fucking predictable that I am starting to think he's trolling everyone because he knows this is it for him in the NHL. And it is...we all know the ultimate goal here is to win like 5 games and get a McDavid/Eichel...Ted's a patsy. Ted's completely shot as an NHL coach when this is over. I mean, this team can't break out of it's own zone, doesn't play any sort of organized system, and literally can't pass the puck. Ted don't care, Ted is cashing his paycheck, making nice with the media guys, floating out some cliches and laughing his ass off. 

If I didn't hate him so much, I'd almost admire the few fucks he has to give. 

And that's it, that's your 2014-15 Sabres roster in a nutshell. A carefully collected group of guys with their eye on the ultimate prize. Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel. And godspeed to them...we all need this. 

Press the button Smarftoof....press the god damned button.

Picture
- You can follow me on Twitter at @essbeeay




No I didn't forget anyone
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Follow DGWUSports on Twitter

    Recent Posts

    "I guess we have ourselves a reckoning." - Bills vs. Steelers Preview, Week 14

    "I got a nose for white supremacy, and he smells like bleach." Monday Night Football is back, folks.


    Dear God Why Us? In this Economy?

    DGWU Sports #CrapTastiCast Episode 49

    Us

    The Apologist
    @SamiquaLrhubarB

    The Barrister

    The Outlander
    @MattyRenn

    The Commander
    @essbeeay

    DEEG EMERITUS:

    The Yachtsman
    @Y_vo

    Guest Contributors


    And Them

    Black & Blue & Gold
    Buffalo Sabres Nation
    Die By The Blade
    Buffalo Wins
    Nick Mendola
    The Goose's Roost
    Bills Daily
    Sabres Prospects
    Shutdown Pair
    Sal Sports

    Email us!


    Past Drivel

    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    January 2020
    August 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    August 2018
    April 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    March 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    February 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    April 2010
    October 2009
    September 2009
    August 2009
    July 2009
    June 2009
    May 2009
    April 2009


    Tags

    All
    2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs
    Aaron Hernandez
    Aaron Williams
    Adventures In Douchebaggery
    Amar'e Stoudemire
    Analytics
    Andre Reed
    Apostles Of Bob
    Arizona Cardinals
    Arsenal FC
    Arsene Wenger
    Assbaggery
    Auto Racing
    Bad Idea Night
    Baltimore Orioles
    Baltimore Ravens
    Baseball
    Basketball
    Beards
    #becauseitsbuffalo
    Beer
    Big Lebowski
    Bigots
    Big Thoughts
    Bills Mafia
    Bills Previews
    Black Sabbath
    Blue Collar
    Boat Shoes
    Boner_Shorts
    Boobie Dixon
    Booze
    Boston Bruins
    Boston Celtics
    Boston Red Sox
    Boston Sucks
    Brian Moorman
    BroneCast
    Bucky Gleason
    Buddy Nix
    Buffalo Bills
    Buffalo For Real
    Buffalo Sabres
    BuffaloWins
    Buffao Sabres
    Canada Sucks
    Carmelo Anthony
    Cats
    CFL
    Chan Gailey
    Chelsea FC
    Chelsea Licks Taint
    Chicago Blackhawks
    Chicago Cubs
    Chris Hairston
    Christian Ehrhoff
    Christmas
    Circling The Wagons
    Citi Field
    C.J. Spiller
    CK Anal
    Clint Dempsey
    Clownpenis.fart
    CM Punk
    Cody Hodgson
    Cody Mccormick
    Colin Kaepernick
    College Basketball
    College Football
    Cordy Glenn
    Craig Schaller
    CrapTastiCast
    Criminallyvu1ga
    Daft Punk
    Dallas Cowboys
    Daniel Briere
    Daniel Murphy
    Daniel Sturridge
    Dan Snyder
    Dan Wheldon
    Darcy Regier
    David Wright
    Dax McCarty
    Defensemen
    De La Soul
    Derek Roy Sucks
    Detroit Sucks
    DGWU Crew
    DGWU Legal Bureau
    Dick Jauron
    Dominik Hasek
    Donald Sterling
    Donald Trump
    Don Cherry
    Doug Flutie
    Doug Marrone
    Doug Whaley
    DRAFT GOOD!
    Drew Stafford
    Drugs
    Drunk
    E.J. Manuel
    El Greasico
    Emeritus My Balls
    Epic Fail
    Epic Meltdowns
    Epic Rants
    EPL
    Eric Wood
    Examples Of Awful Journalism
    Expats
    Faceless Internet Potshots
    FA Cup
    Fandom
    Fantasy Football
    F.C. Buffalo
    FJM
    Football
    Former Bills
    Former Knicks
    Former Sabres
    Fred Jackson
    Fred Wilpon
    Free Agency
    French Revolution
    Fuck ESPN
    Game Previews
    Game Recaps
    Gangs Are For Pussies
    Gary Bettman
    Gold Cup
    Golf
    Greg Roman
    Guest Contributors
    Hall Of Fame
    Happiness
    Hard Work
    Haterade
    High Character!
    Hillsborough
    Hockey
    Hockey Hall Of Fame
    Hulk Hogan
    Hungover
    IIHF World Championships
    Ike Davis
    Indignation
    Infinite Sadness
    Jack Eichel
    Jairus Byrd
    @jambrones
    James Dolan
    Jason Pominville
    Jeremy White
    Jerry Jones
    Jerry Sullivan
    Jhonas Enroth
    Jim Boeheim
    Jochen Hecht
    Joe Pinz1
    Johan Santana
    Johnny White
    John Scott
    Jon Vogl
    Jordan Leopold
    Jose Reyes
    Josh Beckett
    Jurgen Klopp
    Justin Rogers
    Kawika Mitchell
    Kelly's NYC
    Kelvin Sheppard
    Kevin Durant
    Kevin Youkilis
    Khal Drogo
    Kim Martin
    Kim Pegula
    King Kenny
    Kirk Nieuwenhuis
    Kobe Bryant
    Kraig Urbik
    Kyle Orton
    Kyle Williams
    L.A. Lakers
    Larry Quinn
    Lebron James
    Lee Evans
    Legumes On Your Penis
    Lenny Palumbo
    Leodis McKelvin
    LeSean McCoy
    Lindy Ruff
    Links
    Liveblog
    Liverpool FC
    Long Island
    Los Angeles Kings
    Luis Suarez
    Luke Adam
    Lunchpail
    Mailbag
    Manchester City
    Manchester Fc
    Manchester United
    Maple Leafs
    Marcell Dareus
    Marcus Easley
    Marcus Foligno
    Marcus Stroud
    Mario Williams
    Marshawn Lynch
    Martin Skrtel
    Marv Levy
    Matt Ellis
    Matthew Barnaby
    Matt Moulson
    McFadden's NYC
    Mean
    @Mechaphil
    Media Access
    Media Hit Jobs
    Megsie
    Memories
    Messi
    Metal
    Metallica
    Mets
    Miami Dolphins
    Miami Heat
    Michael Jasper
    Michael Jordan
    Michael Phelps
    Michael Vick
    Michael Vick Is A Fuck
    Mike D'Antoni
    Mike Grier
    Mike Harrington
    Mike Richards Is A Loser
    Mike Schopp
    Mikhail Grigorenko
    Miller
    MLB
    MLS
    Monday Night Football
    Mondee
    Montreal Canadiens
    Moon Bills
    Morality In Sport
    Motorsports
    Mouth Breathers
    Movie Trailers
    Moxy Früvous
    Murderers
    NASCAR
    Nathan Gerbe
    NBA
    Nba Draft
    Near Death Experiences
    Nerd Alert
    New England Patriots
    New Jersey Devils
    New York
    New York City
    New York Islanders
    New York Jets
    New York Knicks
    New York Mets
    New York Rangers
    New York Red Bulls
    New York Yankees
    NFL
    NFL Draft
    Nfl Free Agency
    Nfl Lockout
    NFLPA
    NHL
    Nhl Draft
    Nhl Free Agency
    Nhl Lockout
    NHL Playoffs
    Niagara Falls Reporter
    Nick Mendola
    No Limit Soldiers
    NSFW
    Nwo
    NYCBBB
    Nyc Sabre Summit
    Ny Red Bulls
    Oakland Raiders
    Occupy Nassau
    Offseason
    Oklahoma City Thunder
    Olympic Hockey
    Olympic Soccer
    #OneBuffalo
    Open Bar
    Optimism
    Overtime
    Ozzie Guillen
    Ozzy
    Parenthood
    Party Bus
    Pat Lafontaine
    Patrick Kaleta
    Patrick Kane
    Patriots
    Pat Williams
    Paul Gaustad
    Paul Hamilton
    Paul Posluszny
    Philadelphia Flyers
    Phillipe Coutinho
    Pink Elephant
    Pittsburgh Penguins
    Playoff Hockey
    Playoff Hunt 2011
    Playoffs
    Podacst
    Podcast
    Podcasts
    Post Game Reflections
    Post Game Reflections With The Yachtsman
    Post-Game Reflections With The Yachtsman
    Poz
    Pre Game Panicking
    Premiere League
    Premier League
    Premiership
    Press Conferences
    Pretentiousism
    Professional Wrestling
    Pro Football Hall Of Fame
    Pro Wrestling
    Pussies On Skates
    Qb Suckitude
    Rabbi Darkside
    Racing
    Racism
    Racist Assholes
    R.A. Dickey
    Ra Dickey
    Rafael Benitez
    Raffi Torres
    Rage Against The Machine
    Rage Storms
    Ralph Wilson Jr
    Ramblings
    Rants
    Rare Moments Of Lucidity
    Ray Lewis
    Realignment
    Recaps
    Rednecks
    Reggie Corner
    Rex Ryan
    Rian Lindell
    Roadcast
    Roadcasts
    Roadtrips
    Robert Goulet
    Rob Johnson
    Rob Ray
    Rob Van Dam
    Robyn Regehr
    Rochester Amercks
    Roger Goodell
    Ron Rolston
    Roscoe Parrish
    Running Diaries
    Russ Brandon
    Ryan Fitzpatrick
    Ryan Meanra
    Ryan Miller
    Ryan Nassib
    Sabres
    Sabres Alumni
    Sabres Crunk Mix
    Sabres Development Camp
    Sabre Summit
    Sadness
    Saint Bonaventure
    Sally Ride
    Sammy Watkins
    San Antonio Spurs
    Sanctimonious Shit Sandwich
    San Francisco 49ers
    Scizzette
    Scizz Gets Hard
    Scott Chandler
    September 11th
    Shady
    Shanabans7f1abf80bf
    Shaun Powell
    Shaving Buttholes
    Shawne Merriman
    Shawn Merriman
    Shit Sammies
    Sidney Crosby
    Signings
    Site Update
    Smarten Up
    Snowman Erections
    Soccer
    Spencer Johnson
    Standards Of Decency
    Stan Fischler
    Stanley Cup
    Starlin Castro
    Stephon Gilmore
    Steven Gerrard
    Steve Ott
    Stevie Johnson
    Stoke City FC
    Streetcast
    Strippers
    Subway Series
    Suck It Ref
    Summer Lovin
    Summer Movie
    Summer Movie Preview
    Summer Olympics
    Super Punters
    Super Troopers
    #SupportSally
    Swedes
    Swimming
    Syracuse Basketball
    Tailgating
    Tailgating At The Ralph
    Tank Carder
    Tanking
    Taro Tsujimoto
    Tashard Choice
    Tbn
    Team Captains
    Ted Black
    Ted Nolan
    Terrance Mcgee
    Terrance Williams
    Terrell Owens
    Terrence Mcgee
    Terry Collins
    Terry Pegula
    Thad Lewis
    Thanksgiving
    The Adventures Of Walter Garbinski
    The Apologist
    The Aud
    The Barrister
    The Beautiful Game
    The Big Lebowski
    The Buffalo News
    The Casted Foot
    The Cincinnati Bengals Are Criminals
    The City Of Buffalo
    The Commander
    The Continental
    The Dark Knight
    The Deeg
    The Defenseman
    The Grouch
    The Happy Endings Podcast
    The Hit
    The Hosers
    The Jambrones
    The Kids In The Hall
    The Kinsale
    The Legal Limit
    The Outlander
    The Patriots
    The Pink Elephant
    The Ralph
    The Rock
    The Ronin
    The Scizz
    The Scizzette
    The Undertaker
    The Wayans Brothers
    The Wild Card
    The Wire
    The Wizard
    The Yachtsman
    Thierry Henry
    Things That Matter More Than Sports
    Things That Piss Me Off
    Thomas Vanek
    Thrashers
    Tiger Woods
    Tim Connolly
    Tim Graham
    Tim Kennedy
    Tim Murray
    Tim Tebow
    Todd Collins
    Tom Brady
    Tom Golisano
    Tom The Cat
    Toronto
    Tottenham Hotspur
    Trade Rumor
    Trent Edwards
    True Colors
    Twitter
    Tyler Ennis
    Tyler Myers
    Tyler Thigpen
    Tyrod Taylor
    Ugly Models
    Undertaker
    Undrafted Free Agents
    USMNT
    USWNT
    Vacation
    Vajazzling
    Vancouver
    Vanilla Ice
    Video Games
    Ville Leino
    Vince Mcmahon
    Vincent Tan
    Vince Young
    Violence Is Not Funny
    Von Miller
    Vulgarity
    Wall Of Fame
    Warpath
    Washington Capitals
    Washington Redskins
    Waste Of A Post
    Watkins Glen
    WCW
    WECK 1230
    Weed
    Weezer
    Wembley
    West Wing
    WGR
    Where Are They Now?
    Wilco Sucks
    Winnipeg Jets
    World Cup
    Wrestlemania
    Wrestling
    Wtf
    Wu Tang Forever
    WWE
    Yankees
    You Can Play
    Your Mom

this site powered by the inane musings of raving lunatics