The Barrister
That may have been overstated.
It's Saturday night, the Bills still haven't named a starting QB for tomorrow, and in about eleven hours they're playing the sole remaining undefeated team in the National Football League. Some miracle ass shit will have to go down for events to combine into a Buffalo victory, so that's what we're going to hope for. An against all odds win pulled from the depths of asses throughout Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bring lube.
If this is going to happen, it will be equal parts ridiculous, painful and beautiful.
From where I sit, on a throne of bedazzled hyperbole, the Chiefs have to lose. Articles about how stupid lucky they are to be 8-0 have been frequent this week, the consensus being that Kansas City has had an incredibly easy schedule etc etc... the kinds of rationalizations that play ever-so-well into the psyche of a Buffalo Bills fan base eager to count their chickens before natural selection even establishes what a chicken the fuck is. America wants the Bills to win to right some assumed wrong in the football universe. So, whadya say, Bills? Get it.
Mind you, again, none of this is really possible. Miracles, man. They give no shits.
That may have been overstated.
It's Saturday night, the Bills still haven't named a starting QB for tomorrow, and in about eleven hours they're playing the sole remaining undefeated team in the National Football League. Some miracle ass shit will have to go down for events to combine into a Buffalo victory, so that's what we're going to hope for. An against all odds win pulled from the depths of asses throughout Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bring lube.
If this is going to happen, it will be equal parts ridiculous, painful and beautiful.
From where I sit, on a throne of bedazzled hyperbole, the Chiefs have to lose. Articles about how stupid lucky they are to be 8-0 have been frequent this week, the consensus being that Kansas City has had an incredibly easy schedule etc etc... the kinds of rationalizations that play ever-so-well into the psyche of a Buffalo Bills fan base eager to count their chickens before natural selection even establishes what a chicken the fuck is. America wants the Bills to win to right some assumed wrong in the football universe. So, whadya say, Bills? Get it.
Mind you, again, none of this is really possible. Miracles, man. They give no shits.
Three Things To Be Excited About:
- C.J. Spiller should play and thank the gods for that. He is the guy. Without him, this team doesn't get to the next level, doesn't have a true, reliable big play threat, and doesn't maintain a consistent running game for 4 quarters every week. He is my heart. Welcome back, sir.
- It can't be worse than last week. Drew Brees is not the quarterback of the Chiefs and, instead, the Chiefs are led by Alex Smith, a guy who just doesn't scare you in the same way. Smith is a good quarterback, don't get me wrong. The dude just wins. But he has also played on good teams, is incredibly well-coached, and is smart enough to know his own limitations. Basically everything you want in a quarterback who isn't Drew Brees. Still, the Bills defense is well-coached, they have a ton of ever-burgeoning talent, and tomorrow they can do damage to a quarterback who won't be killing them at a moment's notice. I very well could be wrong about this, but it's all relative to the shit-yo-pants inducing factor that we had cooking last week. Yikes.
- The Bills don't have to win for me to feel good about the game. This was the case for a ton of fans last week, and it's the case for me this week. Luckiest 8-0 team? Shut up. They. Are. Fucking. 8-0. Jesus, modern American sports analysis is as weak as my colon after Chinese food when it tries to deconstruct how a team/player/coach is not all that great when the team/player/coach has shown by the only worthwhile metric - wins, why do I have to say this? - that they are pretty much that great. Bills win? Dope. Bills lose with a fourth option QB who might be named Jeff Tuel oh fire on my taint I am scared Jeff Tuel BLOWSSSSSSSSSS....? I can get over it. Just put up a decent effort for the fans in attendance and make sure my wife can't look at the score and start arguing that I could be better managing my time by raking our lawn for the fifth time this fall. For the love of my blisters, please.
Three Things to be Absolutely Terrified About:
- Um. I... fuck.
2. I was thinking, but, uh....
3. Because sometimes, yeah, it, fuck...
I don't even care to know whether Matt Flynn is a real option for tomorrow. The prospect of this utterly useless football player under center is enough to keep me up all night. The defense is good enough, the offense needs to be better, and that ain't fucking happening with Jeff Tuel out there sullying Flutie's number with his terrible play, scared face and sharting butt cheeks. The only thing Jeff Tuel could do out there that would be an improvement in his production would be to take a fucking nap. Unbelievable how bad this guy is. I'd rather have Naaman Roosevelt playing QB, but he's too busy selling black market kicks.
Playlist song addition that you may not know about:
Handclaps and Guitars by Chiddy Bang
I discovered this now defunct group sometime this summer and fell in love pretty much instantly. This song rules. Toss it on your playlist, give it a few listens, and agree with me because I'm right. Oh, and Chiddy broke the Guinness record for longest freestyle rap (9 hours plus) which is bonkers.
I discovered this now defunct group sometime this summer and fell in love pretty much instantly. This song rules. Toss it on your playlist, give it a few listens, and agree with me because I'm right. Oh, and Chiddy broke the Guinness record for longest freestyle rap (9 hours plus) which is bonkers.
Playlist song addition that you definitely know about but should be on every playlist ever:
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis
Fuck you this is great. Huey Lewis, incidentally, is a massive asshole, but I'd forgive him for pretty much everything so long as he doesn't travel back in time to ensure that his former self doesn't record this song. Grab your air guitar, whatever can act as a microphone, and rock the fuck out to rock-and-roll that would be so lame if it didn't kick so much ass.
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis
Fuck you this is great. Huey Lewis, incidentally, is a massive asshole, but I'd forgive him for pretty much everything so long as he doesn't travel back in time to ensure that his former self doesn't record this song. Grab your air guitar, whatever can act as a microphone, and rock the fuck out to rock-and-roll that would be so lame if it didn't kick so much ass.
#BillsMafia Tweet of the Week:
Blackout rules are unfair, outdated & alienate dedicated fans. It would be a big step for fed policies to no longer allow #BillsMafia
— Brian Higgins (@RepBrianHiggins) November 1, 2013
You pandering piece of shit. I vote your party, much to my fucking chagrin when your party's leader started dropping goddamned drones on babies' heads, and I still think you're an awful person for this. I'm not even entirely sure why I feel so adamant about my rage, but fuck off. The reasons most fans hate blackouts are the most asinine reasons imaginable ("I hate this team, I'm not buying a ticket!" "Gah why is the game not on my TV?? I know no other way of all of the perfectly available pirated feed market that provides zero risk and free football!!!"). You participating in the debate right now is a douche move revealing that you can't think for yourself. This cannot be a priority for a member of Congress.
Want to make a "big step"? Get President Obama to start keeping his promises and not being such a massive hypocrite. Assholes.
The Steve Tasker Memorial "Ball So Hard" Award.
Marcus Easley.
This fucking guy. He barely made the team, he was thought to be an entirely expendable player on a roster that was overflowing with wide receiver talent in camp, and he's making his mark game after game with some unreal special teams play in kick return coverage. If the punt coverage could be half as effective as Easley is on each kickoff, the Bills would be a markedly improved team. What a fucking baller this guy has turned out to be. I can't find the exact stats, but he's leading the league in stops as a gunner, and NO ONE saw this coming. Simply a treat.
Want to make a "big step"? Get President Obama to start keeping his promises and not being such a massive hypocrite. Assholes.
The Steve Tasker Memorial "Ball So Hard" Award.
Marcus Easley.
This fucking guy. He barely made the team, he was thought to be an entirely expendable player on a roster that was overflowing with wide receiver talent in camp, and he's making his mark game after game with some unreal special teams play in kick return coverage. If the punt coverage could be half as effective as Easley is on each kickoff, the Bills would be a markedly improved team. What a fucking baller this guy has turned out to be. I can't find the exact stats, but he's leading the league in stops as a gunner, and NO ONE saw this coming. Simply a treat.
The Coy Wire Memorial "Get the fuck off my team immediately" Award
Scott Chandler.
Just throwing it out there. He hurts way more than he helps. Nu Bills can and must do better at the position. And, fuck me, that holding call that brought back the TD last week was the pits. Totally par for the course for this guy lately. Would be so much easier if he wasn't such a nice guy. Oh well, please bounce.
Shitty Beer Pick of the Week:
Scott Chandler.
Just throwing it out there. He hurts way more than he helps. Nu Bills can and must do better at the position. And, fuck me, that holding call that brought back the TD last week was the pits. Totally par for the course for this guy lately. Would be so much easier if he wasn't such a nice guy. Oh well, please bounce.
Shitty Beer Pick of the Week:
Cat piss!!
Sam Adams, Boston Lager.
It's shitty and it wins the week in honor of people with terrible taste in beers and baseball teams who have been overserving themselves with it all week. It's the beer that awful morons call "craft," the beer my dad is still clueless enough to think I like despite the fact that I've generally learned all the lessons of my poorly spent youth, and the fucking guy on their fucking commercial putting his face in the hops is the stupidest person ever. One night, Yachtsman told me how stupid Sam Adams is for the claim about shitloads of hops in their beer because it doesn't actually make better beer and Yachts had a few really technical reasons for his opinion, none of which I remember right now because we were drinking, but just taste it. It's awful.
Go Mets.
It's shitty and it wins the week in honor of people with terrible taste in beers and baseball teams who have been overserving themselves with it all week. It's the beer that awful morons call "craft," the beer my dad is still clueless enough to think I like despite the fact that I've generally learned all the lessons of my poorly spent youth, and the fucking guy on their fucking commercial putting his face in the hops is the stupidest person ever. One night, Yachtsman told me how stupid Sam Adams is for the claim about shitloads of hops in their beer because it doesn't actually make better beer and Yachts had a few really technical reasons for his opinion, none of which I remember right now because we were drinking, but just taste it. It's awful.
Go Mets.
Final Prediction:
El Greasico is out this week on account of the herpes his son's babysitter gave him. I don't know what's more surprising - that El Greasico's dick can produce a human child, or that yet another woman would willfully choose to have sexual contact with him. Who knows. The herp may be an improvement. From the sound of his voicemails, it's a decent bet.
As are the Bills. 24-23 over KC.
El Greasico is out this week on account of the herpes his son's babysitter gave him. I don't know what's more surprising - that El Greasico's dick can produce a human child, or that yet another woman would willfully choose to have sexual contact with him. Who knows. The herp may be an improvement. From the sound of his voicemails, it's a decent bet.
As are the Bills. 24-23 over KC.
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