Woooooooo!! Sabres are winning the Stanley Cup! Pass the Tallboys! - An Optimistic Overreaction to the Belated Opener

1/21/2013

The Barrister

Let's be real here. That was fucking delightful.

The lockout is over, we've had top-level professional hockey for two straight days, and the Buffalo Sabres beat the piss out of the shitheads from Broad Street. What do we have to be sullen about?

/looks at rafters to see meaningless divisional banners and a slew of Bandits championships /kills self

There's certainly plenty of history to support a pessimistic tone today because, well, #becauseitsbuffalo, but sports are fun and yesterday was tons of it. Is it a sign of things to come? Are we destined for the playoffs after a disappointing end to last season? I don't know and neither do you. Shit like games and goals and saves all still have to actually happen. Let's enjoy it, ok?

No? The Sabres are inevitably going to disappoint us and cause me to retreat to my son's nursery for a week's worth of tears? Well screw you man.

For the time being we have the luxury of being all optimism all the time, at least until Yachtsman jumps on here with his "fuck all the things" tone, so join me after the jump for generally delusional and premature observations on Buffalo's early version of HOCKEYPUCKSTIME. (and a gracious tip of the hat to our buddy Frank for that one)

Everything about the picture gets me randy.

Each and every game story about yesterday's win should rightly focus on Thomas Vanek. The guy looked remarkably sharp yesterday, his hands were as deft as they've ever been and he carried the team on his back once again. Participating on each of the Sabres goals, he proved right away why he's the most important player on the team. His nickname, Atlas, which was given to him by sometime-friend of the Deeg, sometime-Nemesis, The Gooses Roost, keeps getting more and more appropriate with each season, each game. The next fan to call Vanek "lazy" gets a kick in the spleen. Fuck that noise.
Drew Stafford, right guys? .... <crickets>.... Ok, so I admit that I was premature in my praise of Stafford when he signed his new contact in 2011. He was a good counterpoint to my hatred of Tim Connolly and had been playing well under his small contract up until that point. Mostly because I was stupid enough to praise him publicly here, I wanted to believe he could be a 25g-35a guy. And then, last year he was .... bad. He ended with an illusory count of 20g-30a after a late-season surge. But, the team needed that late surge - and more in the end - because of the early and mid-season failures of guys like Stafford. Decent stats aside, he was an utter disappointment last year. So when he decided to fight dirty cock-faced ginger Scott Hartnell yesterday (and basically get his ass kicked) as retribution for Hartnell's unpenalized boarding of Tyler Ennis, my heart soared. Stafford is an endearing guy off the ice - his workout video last year remains one of the better products of the Sabres PR department - but is one of the more frustrating guys on the it. He scores meaningless goals in bunches, but his fight yesterday - while the score was knotted at 2-2 - might just have been his best moment as a Sabre since 2007. ... For the record, I drink a lot, etc., so there's no chance that last claim is at all accurate.

still. not. clutch.

Philly looked tired as hell at times and is now 0-2 after losing to the Penguins on Saturday. They remain a shitty team on the back end and their goaltending is a mess. I predict they don't make the playoffs and their shitheel fans piss on the Liberty Bell in protest. A man can dream, assholes.
I hope Grigorenko makes the team after these first five games if for no other reason that I can't stand the insufferable whining of Buffalo fans who think they know better than Darcy and Lindy. I don't even care that those two guys are unstoppable forces of mediocrity. We're all awful.
Grigo did look good yesterday. So keep him up, Darcy, you piece of shit! #credibility
On defense, Myers made up for a pretty poor game with his goal. I was also pretty drunk so wasn't really watching when the Sabres were on defense. My only memory of something on the defensive end was Miller making a huge stop causing me to, after seeing the bar basically silent reaction from the bar, incredulously chide my fellow fans for not going ape-shit for our good fortune at having such a gem between the pipes. I still might be drunk now, for the record, but I do love me some Ryan Miller.
Speaking of the bar, me and a few other members of the NYC bloggerati were out at Kelly's Sports Bar for the HOCKEYPUCKSTIME yesterday. What a fucking shithole Kelly's is. New York City could do well to have a genuine hockey bar - and, no, "The Flying Puck" doesn't count as it is genuinely terrible - but for the time being we're basically stuck with the black hole of suck that resides on Avenue A. Kelly's was backed to the gills yesterday as a generally hipster contingency of Buffalo expats gathered elbow to elbow and cheered on our boys in blue & gold. It was a hell of a time of high fives and bummed cigarettes and I can't wait to get back soon despite myself.
My favorite part of Kelly's yesterday was a tie between: (a) The Continental bailing after the first period in a shameful mix of hangover, claustrophobia and, I'm guessing, hatred of the Buffalo expat bro population, (b) grabbing pre-emptive victory shots at The Library across the street so people could use their bathroom, (c) Apologist's friend getting yelled at by Kelly's owner who wore a steady and completely understandable look of shame on his face, and (d) the new flatscreen at Kellly's devoted exclusively to the advertising that you see in most NYC bars but is entirely inappropriate for this kind of turd establishment. "Contact our Events Staff to celebrate your birthday, wedding or bachelor party." ... "Join our darts and billiards teams!" ... "Beware the warped floor boards and overflowing pools of piss on your way to the bathroom!" ... ok, that last one was on point, I guess.

The Sabres are back at it tonight as the league breaks us in early with the compressed schedule. The last time we played Toronto, we split a home-and-home late in the season when we needed to win both to keep our playoff hopes viable. The Leafs have since waived Tim "I'm made of glass and like to pee on ladies" Connolly, sending him down to the Marlies where he apparently scored in his home debut. This is both hilarious and tragic - for me, mind you - since now I need a new whipping boy to berate when Buffalo plays Toronto. Phil Kessel is an early favorite, if you're curious ... which you aren't.

20 Comments

Dan link

01/22/2013 10:43

Stafford's fight elevated him to Paul Gaustad Two Point Oh. In that he didn't hesitate and get berated for two weeks for not responding, but he still got his ass kicked. He had hands of solid rock when it came to puck handling, but couldn't manage to hit the fifth hottest player in hockey in the face (no, seriously: http://www.crossingbroad.com/2013/01/scott-hartnell-is-the-fifth-hottest-player-in-hockey-scientific-survey-says.html) to save his life.

Downside of Paul Gaustad Two Point Oh is the $4 mil cap hit for what is essentially Paul Gaustad. Wonder if they can get a first for Drew too.

Josh

01/22/2013 19:20

I'm so sick of hearing people say things like this. Look at his meaningless "bunches" of goals, as you put it, (I assume you mean all those hat tricks he had two seasons ago). The two against Boston resulted in Buffalo wins (one saved a regulation loss), and a third against the Islanders got us to overtime, and saved a regulation loss. Take those three "meaningless" hat tricks away, and--guess what--Buffalo misses the playoffs that season. Not to mention he didn't go more than three games that year without recording a point.
And another thing--I didn't see anyone else on the Sabres making a late season surge to make the playoffs last year. Just his line of Foligno and Ennis. Take a guess who tallied the most goals of the three during their stretch together. By the end of the year, all the other "great" players on the Sabres like Vanek and Pominville, who I never hear anyone bad mouth, were doing absolutely nothing when the season was on the line.

Dan link

01/22/2013 20:11

Wait...you *never* hear anyone badmouth Vanek or Pominville? Do you bury your head in sand or something? Nobody on this team takes more shit than Vanek, and since being named captain Pominville is scapegoat number 2.

The Barrister

01/22/2013 20:36

A.) Look below us. Dan said he was kidding. You got served. By your fucking self.
B.) Talking about two seasons ago ignores last season which is dumb since all we can do is talk about the most recent shitstain Sabres team we had.
C.) Down the stretch last year, say during the last 10 games... Vanek had 3 goals and 7 assists, and Pominville had five goals and four assists. And whereas Drew's 10 pts represented 20% of his year's total, Vanek's 10 points were 16% of his total, and Pominville's 9 pts were 12% of his total. I mean, you probably wanted to use the google before looking like a stupid asshole.
D.) Lawyered.

Josh

01/22/2013 23:19

Dan, I would generally say that Vanek and Pominville are among the most loved players on the Sabres, whereas Drew Stafford is becoming the new Connolly.

Barrister, in reference to last season, I was talking about Stafford's time on a line with Ennis and Foligno, when he tallied 17 points, not 10. Go look at his game log. Notice how you had nothing to say about his hat tricks and clutch scoring other than to imply that two seasons ago is irrelevant. For what reason? I'm not sure.

For reference, I posted my comment in reply to the negative comments in the above blog regarding Drew Stafford, not in response to anything Dan wrote. It's placement in this discussion is in err (I suppose you'll latch on to this and direct most of your criticism here). Sorry, I'm not used to these websites, nor wasting my time arguing with retarded Buffalo sports fans who try to mask the weakness of their opinions by being profane and excessively negative to try to look cool.

p.s.- have a nice life being a miserable shit.

The Barrister

01/22/2013 11:52

Not this absolved Drew completely, but Paul Gaustad never scored 20 in a season. Or 32. Or Drew's career low 14, even.

So, yeah. Apples and oranges and what not.

Dan link

01/22/2013 12:56

A.) It was hyperbole and a joke.
B.) Drew still can't do faceoffs.
C.) It was hyperbole and a joke.

Harrington's rubbing off on you.

The Barrister

01/22/2013 14:39

A.) It was barely hyperbole because Drew basically sucks, and it wasn't really funny.
B.) Drew basically sucks, so yes.
C.) It was barely hyperbole because Drew basically sucks, and it wasn't really funny.
D.) Harrington's rubbing off on your mom. In a van. With candy.

This is fun.

Josh

01/22/2013 19:30

Oh, yeah. I was just checking out some of the other crap you post on your blog--laughing at the possible Roy for Jordan Staal trade...as if Jordan Staal is so great. Who do you think has a better season high point total--Jordan Staal or Drew Stafford?

Mikey H. link

01/22/2013 20:43

The answer is 'your mom.'

P.S. She likes malt balls...er...Mike's balls.

Dan link

01/22/2013 20:45

Blocked. Laffs. ROFLMAO.

The Outlander

01/22/2013 20:38

Thanks for reading Josh. By the way, my suggestion was to trade Roy for a six Red Dog big cans a picture of me giving the brain to a room full of party revelers in February 2005. Someone else suggested Staal.

The Outlander

01/22/2013 20:44

My other suggestion is to not comment on your iPhone. But seriously though, my balls.

The Defenseman

01/22/2013 20:40

Everyone shut up.

The Barrister

01/22/2013 20:42

Hey! Who invited the Trending Buffalo dweeb?

The Defen$eman

01/22/2013 20:46

Can't hear you over the sound of me getting seen. [turns to Page Six photo of himself with James Brolin.]

The Barrister

01/22/2013 20:48

That was one of the worst things ever written but I just can't help loving you despite myself.

Scott Michalak link

01/23/2013 10:16

Hi Josh!

Awesome argument. Loved the trump card you used: "retarded." But you could have done better.

Retarded refers to an IQ below 70. You sooooo should have gone with the historical terms "moron" (51-70) or "idiot" (BELOW 30)!

Well, you'll get 'em next time, tiger.

Stay classy.

The Barrister link

01/23/2013 10:16

This went exactly as I hoped it would. Thanks for coming, everyone.

My point being, Josh, that you can't say Messrs. 26 and 29 were absent down the stretch. They had 10 and 9 points, respectively, in the last ten, and Drew only kept pace over those games. We fans loved that late run of success from Drew precisely because it was out of character compared to the player's year.

You're right, though. Stafford does score useful and meaningful goals. But the concentration of his production in sing games, via a relatively frequent hat trick perhaps, is always offset by the stretches where Stafford is noticeably absent from the score sheet and mostly invisible on the ice. People's frustration with him, and it's a frustration I share, is that he's simply inconsistent.

And maybe that's something you get with most guys - the ebbs and flows of production - and maybe we're being too hard. But his bad play is not forgotten and is evident in the drop in his goal total when actually playing more games in 2011-12. The fact that it happened right after he got a raise is just icing on the cake.

In the end, this explanation was only meant to make me seem smart after that noob said I cure as a cover for ignorance. (accurate)

/stomps feet

/consumes fudgesicle

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2353/2299683372_d72b79ccd6_o.jpg

Barrist. Errrr

01/23/2013 10:19

that should have been "production in *single* games"

and also "we're being too hard on *him*"

I DID IT, GUYS!!!

Woooooooo!! Sabres are winning the Stanley Cup! Pass the Tallboys! - An Optimistic Overreaction to the Belated Opener

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