Every week (or at least we hope, everyone knows we suck at schedules here) The Continental will answer your questions. Whether it is a Buffalo sports related inquiry, needed advice, or just a generally stupid question you feel like seeing her answer, have at it and we'll see what this young lady is made of! You can e-mail weekly questions to us at firstname.lastname@example.org, tweet us @DGWUSports, or even tweet her directly @hpurricane.
Welcome back for round two. To recap, last week I asked whether or not one should have any qualms nailing someone who has the same name as an immediate family member. The long and short of it is that you are all in solidarity with mankind's quest to lay pipe, and I should feel no shame banging someone who shares my father's name. Thanks for enabling me, scumbags.
Unfortunately, the inspiration for my query was not at my local watering hole for the Tennessee game. However, I did proceed to drink heavily, naturally, and by 4pm I was a shell of my sober/rational self. Should you need verification please consult my twitter timeline. Instead of drinking another bucket of Coor's Light by myself during the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS game, I ended up in Brooklyn. The day pretty much ended with me YELLING at a giant about John Starks, rewatching Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. New York for the fourth time while eating soup out of a plastic container with chopsticks, and smoking hand rolled cigarettes.
My life, ladies and gentlemen.
Question from last weeks comments: What exactly are Burger King pants? - DAKUNT
Excellent question DAKUNT, and now I am slightly tinged with regret that I did not choose "The Cuntinental" as my halfassed attempt to hide my identity. Not like I needed any help being vulgar, but there's a freebie insult for you guys if you hate me.
Ok, so Burger King pants are those shitty fucking $6 pants from Steve & Barry's that all fastfood, gas station, and janitorial employees wear. The Outlander noticed this due to the many WNY Burger Kings he frequents (not as many as Harrington though AMIRIGHT!). But yes, it bears mentioning that in addition to a lack of a depth of character, emotional stability, or backbone, Mike Harrington also lacks a sense of style, as evidenced by his Burger King pants and this photo:
I'm probably a bad person to ask, as I've always liked Canada, my first concert was Barenaked Ladies, and my first kiss was with A Good Canadian Boy. Honestly, seeing the Bills move anywhere else would hurt me deeply, but better Toronto or Hamilton than LA. LA is possibly the worst city I've never been to, and I've never been to Mogadishu. My tolerance of a Bills to Canada move could also just be for my fantasy scenario manifesting itself: the Bills move to Toronto, the Argos move to Buffalo, and when the Buffalo Argonauts beat the Saskatchewan Roughriders for the Grey Cup it will be such a sweet, sweet November day. This would probably happen sooner than a Lombardi, so adjusting our expectations and embracing our Canadian overlords is probably our best bet. I should really be kidding, but sadly i'm not kidding enough.
I agree with @FrackingSabres that it's because you hate white people. It's cool, though. I hate white people too. Let's do some Johnnies games at MSG this year. Any NYC Deeg interest? If anyone is looking for a college basketball team to root for we have God'sgift on our team; you might recognize him from the two years he spent at ECC dominating the NJCAA, but yeah it's his name you'd remember, not his stats.
Ok, so what he needs after this break is a shot of virility ASAP. To deliver the best advice I asked the Bone Man for some more information, and the good news is that I have a feeling your buddy is going to be fine once he gets his sea legs back in the single market. Here is my advice to him: don't sleep with your ex-wife's friends, unless you've always been eyeing each other and you don't mind your ex finding out since she will definitely find out. Someone she just knows is probably a slightly safer bet, ideally some other recently divorced/separated lady looking for a rebound/opportunity to get back on her feet too.
But, I really think he should look beyond the wife's circle/age group and go for some young trim. Nothing will get him back into it like fucking some college broad. Also, younger girls will be into it if he's in good enough shape, has good enough hair, and has at least an alright face. I highly recommend to all my girlfriends that they nail olderbros and nearly everyone I've talked to about this agrees thoroughly.
Incidentally, with this philosophy I've come across some amusing tales - discovering the gentleman you've bedded remembers seeing the Colts play in Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, or that he watched the Mets win the 1986 World Series in while he was in middle school, or that his sex playlist contained "Barry Manilow's Weekend in New England," or that he started having chest pains while fucking in the sauna at the gym. One of these may or may not have happened to me - #plausibledeniability - but all of these are true events repeated with permission from my circle of friends.
So what I'm saying, B-Shortz, is that if he's looking to stuff a turkey come this Thanksgiving, give me his number, I'll be in town. Oh and don't call it "porking" that's definitely not Kosher.
Can I call in sick to work if I have the Losing Disease? - @FrackingSabres
No. One must always save their sick days for hangovers, spontaneous morning-turned-allday-sexromps, and for emergencies: like when your DVR is almost filled up or if there's work sponsored team building activities Oh, and if you're actually sick, that will sneak up on you, so don't plan on having to many sexromps or too many hangovers. Yo, Gatorade me bitch.
Are you there Deegers? It's me, The Continental:
So the best thing that's ever happened in Bill Simmons Sports Guy Mailbag is this reader's question (from a few weeks ago):
Q: I am one step closer to being in the Gordie Howe Sex Club (GHSC). Gordie played during five different decades of the NHL; my goal is to sleep with a woman who was born during five different decades. This past weekend I finally slept with a woman from the 1990s (I had '60s, '70s, '80s). I am really excited now that I have knocked out four different decades. After sharing the news we got to debating whether I should suck it up and go for a woman that was born in 1959 or wait until 2018. I figured I needed to get the Sports Guy opinion. Should I go old or go young?
—Mark J., Los Angeles
So, dear readers, how far are you into the Gordie Howe Sex Club? Also, subquestion, is this the best worst idea or the worst best idea for a club ever? I'll hang up and listen.