We did it! Bravely stepping forward, pushing our shared trepidation to the side, we did the thankless task of patiently watching time tick by and bring the delightful reward of the NFL's Draft Weekend. We boldly decried mocks and anxiously refreshed twitter for takes upon takes. We waited for Tim Graham to say something so we could disagree. We stored ragey thoughts in drafts, just in case.
And now? Well, now, we wait some more, except with new faces to ponder and gifs to absorb. So that's, I guess, better. Or something.
After all, the NFL draft, and the Buffalo Bills' participation in it, is little more than a benchmark for the offseason clock, itself only significant as a precursor to the season, itself only significant as a precursor to mathematical elimination and water cooler strife.
Oh, to live in these days.
Even so, the draft looks to be a good one, which is definitely not something Bills fans have thought before, so I'm assured it is true this time.
Bills Pick #1: Shaq Lawson
Immediate need, immediate impact if the scouting reports and overwhelming highlights are to be believed. Where the Bills were picking, it's the kind of pick that qualifies both as "about as much as we could hope for in the First Round" and "oh thank God these assholes didn't do anything crazy." That second thing cannot be overstated.
Not going QB here is great, also. A really weird year for QBs, the smokescreen that One Bills Drive sent up about wanting to go that route early was blessedly just that. At that point in the draft, the only guy left of much quality was Paxton Lynch and it would have been insane to pick him at 19. He's off to Denver where I can only assume he will be financing a legal grow and/or dispensary operation for his housemates from Memphis. God bless him.
Also, Lawson is a Clemson guy and I like Clemson guys, which is unsurprising since the Bills are chock full of Tigers and I am dumb for the Buffalo Bills.
Bills Pick #2: Reggie Ragland
This is where the Bills got a little weird with their valuation of the player - one second round pick and a pair of fourths (this year and next) - but it's hard to argue with who they spent it on (<cough> EJ! <cough>). The pessimist in me looks at medical issues with these first two picks and is bracing himself for inevitable sadness, but that's a thought to let consume me another day. The Bills got some surprisingly available value for Ragland at 41 - one of three Crimson Tide players expected to go in the First Round, all of which had to wait for Friday Night - and grabbed another guy who can fill an immediate vacancy in a defense in desperate need of (at least a decent) reboot.
Bills Pick #3: Adolphus Washington
It happens early every year, but this is the point where I start wondering "should I watch more college football, I mean, who the fuck is this guy?" Unrelated Point of Order: Adolphus is a great fucking name. That will buy this guy at least 20 games in my good graces. Probably more.
Another pick on the defensive side of the ball? Good. They were dreadful last year. Any additions, be they day 1 starters or depth chart additions, are gravy in my black and white and gravy view of the football world.
Also, this guy got picked up for trying to score a hooker in COLUMBUS, OHIO. I'm not sure if I've ever heard a funnier thing that potentially brings a player's draft stock down (actually, I have because Laremy Tunsil is the fucking GOAT), but I'm sure it's the saddest. Imagining the working women of Columbus, I can only assume they're bedecked in #Crew96 workman's helmets and smell of motor oil.
Bills Pick #4: Cardale Jones
Man, this guy cannot throw the ball and will definitely make us ache for Erik Rodriguez Manuel, Jr. almost immediately in the event Cardale ever needs to play. Has there ever been a less impressive National Champion? I mean, aside from Joakim Noah oh god I hope he sees this, what a bitch.
The upside to Jones, apart from the fact that we can reasonably expect almost nothing from the guy football-wise (unless we just want to watch him run straight through linebackers, which we most certainly do), is that he's a hilarious gem of a human, a fact affirmed and explained through the work of Peter Berkes, a man himself more hilarious and gem-y than you or I.
Also, the Bills should draft a QB every. fucking. year. until they make it to the playoffs. That's not hyperbole. Just fucking do it, Doug.
Bills Pick #5: Jonathan Williams
More Buffalo WILLIAMS jokes. The best kinds of jokes. Vomit.
I'm honestly struggling to figure out which is bothering me more - that last name or the fact his parents misspelled Colby. If you want to talk about millenials and the "me generation," the first place to start is with names and thus with stupid fucking parents and their stupid fucking need to birth out and raise special little snowflakes. Stop giving your kids shit ass names crafted out of your shit ass brains. Listen, B, you watch CBS four nights a week, have single-handedly supported QVC with your impulsive tendencies, chain smoke menthols and sell weird nature scene tshirts on your spreadshirt page.
You should not be allowed to make up new names when you can't even be bothered to make up new reasons your doctor can't be trusted and your cholesterol isn't actually a problem.
But, whatever, I'm sure Kolby is a great kid. He's fast and at least he's not a kicker, though with that name you sure tried your best, Ma Dukes.
Bills Pick #7: Kevon Seymour
Kevon? See above. I hate everything. Whatever. This kid is pretty fast, too. And the "Feed me, Seymour" tshirts at 26shirts [dot] com will be a nice addition to our cache of third-party personal sporps branding.
Anyway, that's the draft. The Berls have been graded pretty highly across the internets for last week's effort, so that's cool. Better that than watch our front office be an unqualified disaster over the course of this particular offseason weekend.
Alas, the unqualified disaster will come later this year. Can't wait.