The Barrister


jesus titty fucking christ I hate a lot of shit.

Sometime earlier this week, I was in some sort of stupid daze where I was happy about things. It must have been Easter and Jesus rising and the wonderment of reincarnation magic smiling upon my heart. 

Fuck Easter, by the way.

It's Wednesday now, so this is the shit you get. An ornery dude in his early 30s blogging on a pretty shitty website since everyone stopped writing on it, complaining about a bunch of shit that you, at best, have a cursory interest in because sports.

Let's get on with it.

I fucking hate Major League Baseball.

Actually, that's not fair. I like the sport. I enjoy watching with friends. I fucking hate that baseball has an interminably long season that people weirdly care about during the first few weeks - enough to rag on a guy for HANGING OUT WITH HIS BABY AND WIFE WHO JUST BIRTHED HIM/HER/IT - and then they tell you it's because they like summer and being outside and drinking and all, but then they watch at a bar and make you turn off playoff hockey and that sort of defeats their argument about the joy of summer. Have a fucking barbecue. The MLB season's length is arguably one of the stupidest things in sports, right next to our weird treatment of athletes who used performance enhancing drugs in an era when everyone used them, thereby giving them essentially no competitive advantage. No big surprise that Bud Selig and his Merry Band of Miscreants manage to get so much wrong. 

Listen ...  OF COURSE I'd like baseball more if I followed a team that was good, but the Mets are not so let's move past that. In the midst of my hate for the team I love, it becomes abundantly clear that the league could cut 50 games off the schedule and still end up with basically the same product except without TV and ad revenue and I suppose that those things are what it's all about. Still defending it?

I'm going to a baseball game this Friday and it's so bad that I am compelled to go to a two hour open bar before the game so I can be sure to (a) not remember a fucking thing about the endless nine innings I observe and/or (2) get kicked out for calling a security guard a fat taint and/or (iii.) take a nap sometime between the fourth and seventh innings. Baseball is fun because of getting drunk, being an asshole with your friends, and naps. That's what we're working with here. 

Go Mets.


I fucking hate the NHL.

This is another sport I love that is ruined by the corporate fuckup of league decisions and the absolute assbags who work there. You know, in hindsight it should have been a warning sign that Pat Lafontaine worked for the NHL since it is pretty apparent that the league is routinely run in a way that can at best be described as "lacking clearly defined standards which tend to alter the competitive and fairness aspects of the sport" and can at worst be described as "OH DEAR LORD YOU DICKS ARE AWFUL IDIOTS AND RUIN EVERYTHING FUCK OFF AND DIE".

It's the playoffs now. And while NHL HQ's marketing blitz likes to tell us that things get all awesome and shit "Because it's the Cup" and "History will be made," it's becoming crystal clear that the real theme of the playoffs has become "Hey you! Yeah you! Feel free to be as violent as you want! We'll probably let it slide if you're important to your team!!" Shit, we don't even really get fights in the playoffs, but that hasn't stopped players from committing those acts that pose markedly high risks of harm, and it certainly hasn't stopped the NHL from allowing many of those acts to go unpunished, particularly when those committing the acts are stars, or a member of the Boston Bruins... those assholes get away with all sorts of shit always. This is all justified under the umbrella of "not wanting to stifle the natural competition of the tournament" or some such nonsense. Because, of course, risking injures that might injure a player or ruin his ability to use his brain is nothing in comparison to losing the assailant to a suspension for any drastic period of time. 

The NHL sucks at understanding the simple concepts of justice in it's system of player discipline. The people employed by the league are seemingly more likely to make a decision regarding player discipline based on gut instinct rather than based on a logical assessment of conduct and the assessment of a penalty that serves as an effective deterrent. Worst of all, making the situation endlessly confusing for fans and players alike, the NHL truly lacks any sense of applying even-handed player discipline as it leaves some egregious acts unpunished and others receiving unquestioned bans. Player reputations play too strong a role in the determination of punishments for truly egregious acts, leaving Zdeno Chara unscathed for ball tapping an opponent and Brent Seabrook's suspension lasting only three games, while the bad guys of the league - the guys who are barely missed by their teams or its fans - are treated as "examples." It's no fucking wonder that Blues fans make light of Backes' injury when the NHL can't be bothered to find a suspension that meaningfully punished Seabrook for causing Backes' brain to get violently thrown about in his skull.  Besides, I'm sure Seabrook will really learn his lesson when Matt Cooke is suspended for the rest of the playoffs.

Fuck the NHL and it's enormous clown shoes.

I fucking hate Donald Trump. 

FUCK. I really don't know what got over me earlier this week when I had a momentary lapse into "you know what? Trump might not be that bad! At least he would keep the Bills in Buffalo!" Fuck me, and fuck Trump. 

Yes, his politics are abhorrent to me, but more to the point the way he goes about his politics are the most truly fucking bothersome thing about this man. He doesn't just hate President Obama - he bandies about that hatred as a badge of honor and makes a concerted effort to find the most absurd criticisms upon which to latch. President Obama isn't American and his Presidency is unconstitutional? Check. President Obama walks in an un-Presidential manner? Check. This asshole picks on everybody, all the while courting our fan base - fans based out of the City of Good fucking Neighbors - in his looming bid to purchase our football team. Just the other day, he called Arianna Huffington ugly - really, guy, you are fucking hideous - and then retweeted the comment from a fan about her not having a green card. 

GOOD ONE, SIR. YOU REALLY SHOWED HER.

This is the dude trying to buy our football team. Our "I don't care who he is and whether he's a good guy as long as the Bills stay and win a Super Bowl" refrain is all well and good. I, too, do not really care so long as both of those hypothetical, really impossible to comprehend things happen. But for fuck's sake, is this the guy who is likely to get us there? Does the universe truly reward us in such a roundabout way, still leaving a terrible taste in our mouth and, actually pining for the days of Ralph "Odious Taint" Wilson? This - a purchase by Donald Trump, the lovable douchebag who has invaded our social consciousness with a stunning brand of buffoonery masked as corporate acumen - is what we've been dreaming for. 

Fuck that. We should be able to do better, and if not, let's at least not pretend to be happy about it.


I fucking hate Jose Mourinho. 

I don't really have anything more to add except that he can blow me. Fuck that guy.

And in closing...

I fucking hate fat people who fail to realize their girth and mistake a small subway seat between two people for a square footage of area that can fit their fat ass, the comfort and personal space of their fellow riders be damned all to fucking hell (and yes, that includes me which is why I fucking stand most commutes like a gentlemen). I fucking hate the assholes who ride the commuter trains back into New Jersey with luggage and/or stroller and/or kids of any age while the rest of us are just trying to go about our normal lives. I fucking hate all the tourists that jam up my subway station between 5pm and 7pm every evening, christ the metrocard swiper is not that fucking complicated fuck. I fucking hate Fred Wilpon and Robert Kraft and Nancy Grace and Piers Morgan and Ann Coulter and creationists and birthers and the failure of law enforcement to properly investigate Jameis Winston allegedly raping someone and Episcopalians who left after Gene Robinson was elected and everything on the WB and that FiOS can't fucking fix by HD NBC Sports so I have to watch standard definition like a chump and that David Moyes was sacked and Vincent Tan and Jerry Jones and Rex Ryan and that Michael Vick lives while those dogs remain dead and every fan at MetLife Stadium and my bitch tits and that Nassau Coliseum will no longer be a place upon which I can urinate and that my teams are shit except for Liverpool they're fucking boss and Yankee fans. 

Christ almighty I hate Yankee fans.

The Commander, guest contributor (until further notice)

Greetings friends. I sincerely hope everyone is enjoying the fabulous offseasons from both of our favorite Buffalo sports teams. I’m sure one of us can do something with the Sabres around draft time, perhaps making up some bullshit about how the guy we picked at #8 is a bunch of cool buzzwords that actually translate to “Joel Savage”.  Or we can talk about how Tarvaris Jackson has been the best QB at the Bills OTAs, but that sounds sort of depressing considering that we drafted a 4th round rated QB with pick #16 overall, doesn’t it?

Fortunately, there’s a bunch of good non-Buffalo sports things going on. I managed to not get my Buffalo Curse all over the Sacramento Kings and they’re staying here, there’s some basketball playoffs going on right now (I’m not good at basketball yet so I can’t really say much more than that), the baseball mans are hitting the baseballs all over the place, and of course the NHL Playoffs have reached the Conference Finals stage. Which is why I would like to present:


The 2013 DGWU NHL CONFERENCE FINALS PRIMER!

Let’s take a look at the 4 teams remaining and help you decide who you should root for.

The Barrister

While certainly not the one we would have wanted, a big drought ended in the NHL last night as the Kings hoisted the Stanley Cup and celebrated a Championship. A few months back, friend of the Deeg, @CriminallyVu1gar (sometimes NSFW, fyi), suggested that his playoff allegiances were somewhat shaped by a general feeling that any long-suffering fan base should not see their team succeed before we Sabres fans see ours do the same. I believe his words were "why would I want your shitdick franchise to win a Cup before our shitdick franchise?"

Using that kind of philosophy as a guide, Sabres fans should have been pulling for the Devils last night. A Devils series win would have ensured that Sabreland wouldn't lose a companion in the "we have nothing to hang our hat on" category. Lacking an end to the sentence "Sure we lost, but at least we won back in ..." is a miserable place to be in, and misery loves company.

Of course, there are likely many fans who don't follow hockey with that kind of absurd neurosis. I am jealous of those people.

When I think about a Sabres Stanley Cup, the pure fantasy of it is always apparent, since it has never happened and, if we're being honest, seems to be as far away as ever after the season the team just had. Yet, even in the fantasy, it's a battle. It's heart-wrenching hockey night after night, with defeat always seemingly balanced on a precipice, ready to pull the team back to reality. Reality being that place where good things never happen and we are drowned in sorrow. The fantasy for our Sabres, guided by what we know to be true about their identity and our identity as fans, is necessarily grounded by the feeling that it simply isn't meant to be and that it will take a series of miracles to bring a championship to Buffalo.  Our apprehensiveness guided by our history of observing failure year after year.

The Cup run is thus a scary thought, in the end, since it would inevitably bring with it loads of frustration and worry.

The Yachtsman

Yes, we missed opportunities. Yes, the Flyers are deeper down the center. Yes we are struggling to make plays in the slot. Yes, the Sabres are going to have to buck almost a century's trend of epic heartbreaking Buffalo losses to win the series on Tuesday in Shittydelphia. Yes, Barry Melrose continues to have a job covering the NHL (defying the odds since ESPN The Deuce!).

After a little tete-a-tete with my January 1st self, I realized we are on an awesomesauce run, and we should (operative word) be enjoying it. Not that it makes it any less worse. And I'm not telling you not to feel the burn of an OT loss in the playoffs to the scummiest scumfucks this side of the 70s. I'm just saying it's a miracle we're here....and I feel way better now than I did after Game 5 vs. Boston last year. The Pegula Era hasn't really begun, we have money to burn, and there's a Brad Richards out there over the rainbow ready to spurn us should Derek Roy not fulfill his destiny on Tuesday night (NO PRESSURE FANCY HAT).

But what would a blog post from The Yachter be without some sort of ill-founded, less-than-factual, swear-laden rant? Right guys? Seriously though. The headshot shit? Gotta end. There's nothing I can really say about it that hasn't already been said (but of course I'll try). First, it was a blatant push head first into the boards. Second, it'll never be a suspension for Richards due to a number of reasons:

1.) He has a C on his chest, which stands for Captain which means Marketable, which means No Balls Bettman wouldn't DREAM of suspending the Captain of a Big Market Squad in a Game 7 for something so petty as driving a player's unprotected face and frontal lobe into the boards at full speed.

2.) He's one of Hockey Canada's Golden Boys. TSN, The Globe, HNIC, The CBC...you won't see word one from one of those outlets calling for a suspension or calling it a dirty hit, even though it clearly was one of the more egregious hits of the playoffs. AND OF A TYPE THE NHL HAS BEEN HEMMING AND HAWWING ABOUT FIXING FOR THE PAST 18 FUCKING MONTHS.

3.) Things don't work that way for Buffalo. If by some miracle of miracles we pull a win out of our collective cursed buttholes in Philly on Tuesday, it won't be because the Hockey Gods gifted us with a suspension of the Flyers' best player. It will come with grit, effort, attention to detail, and every Sabre playing 10-15 pts. higher than his EA Sports NHL 11 Rating. Basically we have to not only defy the odds but the majoriy of the gods & titans too. Minus Hephaesteus though. I hear he's a HUGE Grier fan.

On a serious note.....if you let a Captain (read: role model, face of the franchise in the community, marketable asset, leader) get away with a devastating hit like that, what kind of message are you sending out to younger players and parents? It's okay to drive your opponent headfirst into the boards? Because a 2:00 minute minor is basically saying "it's okay to do that if you absolutely have to, but try and staw away from it". A 5:00 minute major takes that type of hit out of a young player's repertoire for life.

Another added benefit of being consistent with your headshot policy? It keeps guys like Pat LaFontaine, Paul Kariya, Adam Deadmarsh, Eric Lindros, and Tim Connolly on the ice and thus fulfilling the tremendous amounts of potential and talent they were blessed with. (Yeah, if it weren't for Connolly's fear of getting blindsided for his entire career, he ACTUALLY would have been a top 20 center)

SIDENOTED ADDENDUM VIS A VIS POST SCRIPT: Can one of the more coherent readers of this pile of words explain to me why Boarding is even considered a minor penalty these days? There is no moment when Boarding should not be considered a 5 Alive. It's the most dangerous of all minors, and I'm including the high stick. Think back when Ovechkin trashed our darling Danny head first into boards a few years back. An inch here, an inch there.....maybe the Sabres are moving to the next round and Briere is talking about his glory days.....I'M JUST SAYING. Seriously. Boarding. Bad.

The Yachtsman

I've been moping all over the place for the past several days. I've felt despair, anger, frustration, hate, denial....every bad emotion I've learned to swallow as a tried and true Buffalo fan. The near-medical emergency hangovers (back to back, mind you) didn't help the situation either. I even picked a minor skirmish with KateBits on the twidiot machine (and realized what a moron I sounded like when my phone thankfully crapped out on me. Again, apologies KB....UNITE!) Before I sat down to write a doom & gloom post, I happened to look on the TBN site for the 3rd time today and realized I hadn't checked the Bucky Gleason column.

Well, after reading that (and from Bucky Gleason, of all people) I really feel like a horse's patoot. It's not the end of the series. We've got some mental miscues that we paid for, but we can overcome those. We may be a little short on talent, but who gives a shit. Passion, toughness, and effort have all been with these Sabres tenfold this series. We're home cooking tonight. In the playoffs. Forget the small contingent of quiet fans, the size of the Flyers, the positions in the standings, the 1 game hole....we are Buffalo. We will at the very worst go down swinging harder than you.

Sabres on the motherfucking warpath.

I think my hangover just broke.

I'm off to the game.

Hasek Jersey, with Glory.

Fuck and Yes.

The Yachtsman

Yes, they lost last night.  You could point the finger at a number of causes.  The “core” forwards are playing like they’d rather be out on Chippewa than in an NHL Playoff game.  The young guns are looking more and more overmatched.  Tony Lydman doesn’t understand the concept of NHL Hockey.  Deep down, as fans, we all knew these issues would rear their ugly head at some point this postseason.  Of course, it would be nicer if they'd lie dormant until the second or third round (or never). These and several other points may eventually add up to a sum equaling a loss, but that’s not the issue we have over here at DGWU sports.  The issue I have is how the FUCK is this guy still walking around with a smile on his face?!?

Bruins ROOKIE Defenseman Jonny Fucking Boychuk.  This guy has laid the hammer down all series on several skilled and not so skilled Sabre forwards.  That’s fine.  It’s his job.  The problem is, he’s allowed to do a fantastic job.  I can understand the Sabres being a skill/finesse team, as much as they don’t ever live up to that moniker (skill teams score), but you would at least expect a modicum of revenge for the Vanek hit.  But then to come out and lay the lumber down AGAIN, this time on Matt Ellis…..it’s too much.  Yes, it was a tight game.  Yes it was a tight PLAYOFF game.  Yes, the Sabres needed every advantage they could get.  But COME THE FUCK ON, LINDY.  Let somebody loose out there on him!!  It’s not like you don’t have at least one weapon on the bench who can put in that kind of work.

On the long train ride back from the bar, The Apologist (as he tends to do) made excuses for not unleashing some sort of beast on the Bruins.  They included no unnecessary power plays, the need for 5 on 5 hockey, can’t take key players out of the game.  I understand, but here’s my counterpoint:  THESE GUYS NEED TO WAKE THE FUCK UP.  A well timed douching of Marco Sturm or Patrice Bergeron would have been nice from Kaleta.  Yes, they had that boomtown hit on a Bruin who I couldn’t see by a Sabre I couldn’t see (it was on Versus in a bar, so you can imagine how easy it is to see who did what…..I think Jaffe was talking about his love of haircuts at that point), and that’s an awesome start!  Three or four more like that and maybe we start focusing a little bit better.  Instead, we got the NHL version of a Screech vs. Unnamed Bayside Nerd fight.

I understand we’re never going to be the Flyers….but Jesus, can we at least be the Sabres??  Drew Stafford, Paul Gaustad, even (gasp!) Tyler Myers……USE YOUR SIZE.  We won game 1 because the Sabres decided to hit….and hit hard.  You can’t just do that for one game and sit on your laurels.  It’s a long post-season, and the teams that play golf in April and May are the ones who fall back to January hockey the quickest.  They played out of character for exactly one game.  They need to do that again if they have any shot of coming out of Boston with some hope.  Playing out of character….I’m pretty sure that’s what this was:

Prediction:  if they don’t come out swinging next game, Bruins in Five.  Ugly.  Celebrating on Home Ice. And we all remember how that feels.