Dear God Why Us Sports
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You're gonna ruin it for everyone else. Keep it up." - Mike Harrington, TBN
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Yachtsman Yelling, Or Everyone Pour Out A Little Smirnoff Ice, Derek Roy Is Dead.

7/3/2012

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IF I WANT TO POST A PICTURE OF SHARON, LOIS, & BRAM ON MY MOTHERFUCKIN BLOG I WILL POST A PICTURE OF SHARON, LOIS, & MOTHERFUCKIN BRAM.
The Yachtsman

Ah yes, July. The time when I can't sleep because it's taint hot and I actually post. In the spirit of the Buffalo News, I'm going to mail this one in hardcore. As a matter of fact I'm writing this whilst sitting in my undies, just like Bucky Gleason (minus the frequent bachelor trips to Prague).
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"I can hear them...they're saying something about being a GM for a day!...I don't know they sound overweight and middle aged!"
BASEBALL:

- What the fuck is with the All-Star game? At one time, it was the world's most unassailably awesome time. Even as most recently as the late 90s. Then came Bud "The Drooling Speech Impediment soon-to-be Dementia'd Colostomy Bag" Selig. Obviously, the idea that the All-Star game decides home field advantage in the playoffs is as Ho-Tarded as Jeff Wilpon, but that's not even the worst part. The fact that every team must be represented is abhorrent. THE ENTIRE GAME OF BASEBALL IS BASED ON PEOPLE BEING BETTER THAN OTHERS FOR THE SAKE OF WINNING. Who the shit does anyone want to see play baseball from the Kansas City Royals? I view this as similar to participation trophies in sports.....one day the Chinese will mow us down with bootleg M16s because we were all taught that it's okay as long as we tried our best. LOSERS CRY ABOUT THEIR BEST. NOBODY GETS ORANGE SLICES AFTER A LOSS.

- Remember the movie Mr. Baseball? There was a creepy scene where Tom Selleck and some smokeshow Japanese chick take a bath together. I saw that in the theater with my next door neighbor (lay off we were the same age, Sanduskies) when I was in very early middle school. That seemed wildly inappropriate at the time and that hasn't changed. You know what else is wildly inappropriate? Shitty segues into off color R.A. Dickey jokes. I'll digress and say that he's pitching wonderfully. So much so that I'm taking email bets on how many times the Bookshelf gets solo-loaded in his office writing briefs and decides to soliloquy about the magic of Dickey's knuckler. We're at 1 and counting, I'm taking the over on 5.

* sidenote: whenever Barrister says he's "up late watching the Mets" I always wonder if that's just code for he's in his underwear with a belt tied around his neck and the Met game happens to be on. These are things I wonder at 3:46 AM.
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Wildly Inappropriate.
FOOTBALL

- I'll tell you what, I'm shit your pants excited for the Football season to start. Crisp fall days, horrifyingly unhealthy fried foods, blacking out before Football Night in America even starts.....AMERICA IN ITS FINEST MOMENT, KINFOLK. There is nothing quite like those first few weeks of Pro Football. College football has you primed because Conference Play is just starting, then you hit the ground running with the big week 1 marquee matchups.....all of a sudden it's 8 PM on Week 1 Sunday and you've spent $147.32 on a four hour bar tab, you're out $200 to the shady Italian kid at work who's Uncle takes bets, and you've done the entire "sober - drunk - sober - hung over" spectrum twice because you started drinking at 10 AM....GOD I LOVE FOOTBALL.

- The Bills are clearly the most compelling team in the 716 these days (cue some A-hole "yeah but the Bandits.." SHUT YOUR FACE AND TAKE YOUR TRAITOROUS FRENCH AND INDIAN SPORT BACK TO QUEBEC). Not only am I excited to bring back my freshman year of college self back for 16 Sunday afternoons this fall ("GIMME A PIECE OF FRIED CHICKEN I'LL THROW IT AT THE NEXT CAB"), but I'm also genuinely excited to see what kind of product Channel Changer's gonna put on the field. 

Obviously our D-line is going to be phenomenal in Madden, but we'll have to wait and see if they're really the answer everyone hopes they are. 

KIDDING I'M DONE WITH THE APOLOGIST-ESQUE ANALYSES THEY'LL BREAK THE CURRENT NFL SINGLE SEASON RECORD FOR SACKS. I'VE ALREADY PUT THE $67.25 I OWE SCIZZ DOWN ON IT AT BWIN.COM.

The offense, however.....well just know that Stevie Johnson will probably go down with a clavicle fracture or an ACL tear in camp because Bookshelf went and bought himself a #13 jersey on E-bay. If that happens we can all get in my car on our way to break his arms.

Also, the sheer ferocity of Ryan Fitzpatrick's unkempt Movember Beard.
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Me and the girls getting ready for football.
HOCKEY

- I'm not gonna lie, Hockey Heaven sort of blows, dudes and dudettes. When the only reason we've had to cheer since Frackmeister Pegs took over is the attrition of the likes of Connolly and Roy, well.......that makes us a steaming pile of dissatisfied hate manure. Here's hoping that Lindy Ruff, Darcy Regier, and all their unfunny fake twitter doppelgangers figure out a way to disappear over the next 4-6 months. That way we can ACTUALLY build this team in the image of a winner instead of forcing Ted Black to come out and announce a new coat of paint in the bathrooms every four weeks because we can't win a meaningful game. (For real though the empty suit putting lipstick on a pig routine is old, Teddy......make the fucking playoffs if you're going to come out like Caesar returning from Gaul every six months.....then I'll eat my words) /faints and hits head on laptop due to run-on sentences.

- Also, HAHAHAHAHA DEREK ROY IS GONE. To use a well established barb premise because I'm over tired, when one looks up a picture of a dillhole in the dictionary, a picture of Derek Roy comes up. HA! FINALLY! HE'S GONE! NO MORE MAN-SANDALS! NO MORE RUNNING TRAIN ON POOR UNSUSPECTING UB COEDS IN THE BATHROOM AT SOHO! NO MORE WRISTBAND AND TEQUILA SUNRISES IN A PLASTIC CUP PICTURES POPPING UP ALL OVER THE INTERNET IN LATE APRIL EVERY YEAR! ENJOY DALLAS, YOU PUCK HOG!
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at least we traded one of them......OH NO HE DIDN'T YES HE DID.
In closing, I bid you all a wonderful Fourth of July. I hope most of you don't have mishaps with fireworks so I can read your tweets/blogs as we approach the sinking ship that is the Buffalo Sports 2012-2013 season. Others (you know who you are you milquetoast nincompoops) can go REDACTED in a fire.

ALSO, I'll be having a Bloggers Summit at my apartment.....however only my ego is invited.


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RSVP!
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Like Ma Bell

6/13/2012

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I started writing this a month ago. I haven't had the heart to finish until now. I can see Scizz having a screaming fit over content placement right now but fuck it we started this website so we could write about what we want when we want. You understand.

The Yachtsman


"Strictly Hand Held Is The Style I Go
Never Rock The Mic With The Panty Hose
I Strap On My Ear Goggles And I'm Ready To Go
'Cause At The Boards Is The Man They Call The Mario"- MCA 
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FUCK.

That's all I could think when the news that Adam Yauch passed started streaming through my various interweb machines last month. FUCK FUCK FUCK. 

Rewind to 1994: I'm a weird, gawky 6th grader having a shitty time at the meanest middle school in the history of the planet, Elmwood Franklin. I was in the middle of the grunge explosion, trying to look older wearing flannel, caught between my Dad's old school rock and roll, my older cousin's Metal influence, hip hop on MTV, and the weird punk the kids used to play in Upton Hall at Buffalo State where my mother taught.....trying to forge some sort of an identity on the brink of adolescence with whatever underdeveloped musical sensibilities I had. (I wonder if kids today identify as deeply with music as we did back then....are there the "Bieber Kids" and "Katy Perry Kids" like there were metal heads, grunge kids, and goths etc. like when I was growing up? I fucking hope not. /modern music rage). I remember flipping on MTV one night and having my ears/eyes/mind absolutely fucking blown away by some dudes named The Beastie Boys' video for the song "Sabotage". That devastating opening riff, the siren on the roof of the car cruising through the streets of LA, and three dudes rolling around wearing hilarious outfits and shitty wigs? I turned the volume bar on the TV up to the end of the word VOLUME (serious Dad rule violation but I didn't give a fuck) and started involuntarily thrashing around my TV room like an animal. From that moment, I was hooked. I bought Paul's Boutique, Check Your Head, & License to Ill within two weeks (thanks to generous monetary contributions from my Uncle Frank and advances on my allowance). When Ill Communication FINALLY dropped, I played the CD until it broke. 

The Beastie Boys represented an incredible amalgamation of every style of music I had ever liked or even heard up to that point: Hip Hop, Punk, Metal, Rock, Jazz, Soul, Reggae.....fucking everything you could ever think of, topped off with some weird Buddhist chants and intense activism. They were the one band that I always felt was really one of my own....it was intense, raw, fun, and not everyone liked them. I remember playing "Sabotage" on the 8th grade class stereo and getting dirty looks from half of my classmates. I relished it and hit repeat. Nobody fucked with the Beasties. 

I know this is incredibly late and probably irrelevant in today's WHATCANYOUDOFORMENOWNEWTOPIC culture, but after waiting a month and change to write this, I finally have the heart to sit down and mourn on the page (which is what we do oh-so-well here at the Deeg). Adam Yauch was the centerpiece of a band that made me feel as close to music as I've ever felt. I know so many people who were touched by his/their music, it's so sad that stupid fucking cancer robbed us again of someone so daring, talented, and inspiring. So I know it's been a while since the tastemakers in popular culture stopped their MCA-hand wringing, but take another moment to sit back and reflect on what a gift it was to grow up (if you're our age) in the same time/space continuum as the Beastie Boys. They made our lives better. And here's hoping some 11 year old disenfranchised kid is stumbling upon Check Your Head right now and is having his or her mind blown.
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Also, motherfucker played a tight bass.



"Good Times Gone And You Missed Them
What's Gone Wrong In Your System
Things They Bounce Just Like A Spalding
What'd You Think Did You Miss Your Calling
It's So Free This Kind Of Feeling
It's Like Life It's So Appealing
When You've Got So Much To Say
It's Called Gratitude, And Rhat's Right

Good Times Gone But You Feed It
Hate's Grown Strong You Feel You Need It
Just One Thing Do You Know
What You Think That The World Owes You
What's Gonna Set You Free
Look Inside And You'll See
When You've Got So Much To Say
It's Called Gratitude, And That's Right"- Beastie Boys 
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The Apostles of Bob: Episode 4 - Two Weeks in the Making

3/25/2012

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It's been a loooooong time comin'....


The Scizz & The Yachstman

The title says it all. Two weeks ago, Yachtsman and I went out in Manhattan and decided we would record a new episode of Apostles. Segment one was recorded live from the back of a cab, but due to our "should-of-seen-it-coming" drunkenness, we never recorded anything else that night. We were about to scrap the whole thing until five days later, we listened to the tragedy that was segment one, and decided it was too ridiculous to not release. We talk a little about the Knicks, PRE D'Antoni firing, but mostly attempt to chat with our cab driver, Jose Bravo, as well examine the shambled life of Mr. Boat Shoes himself.

A week later, while Yachter and Aps were outside smoking heat sticks prior to CrapTastiCast 25, the Barrister and Scizz sat down and recorded segment two, mostly focusing on the firing of Mike D'Antoni as the coach of the Knicks, and who his possible replacement could be.

Finally, this week the Yachtsman and I reunited in a moving vehicle to talk about the streaking Knicks, their interim coach Mike Woodson, trade deadline moves, and our unabashed love for the Black Mamba himself, Kobe Bryant. So yes, a lot happened over those two weeks, but we still think you'll enjoy. 

Classic hip-hop musical breaks are put on hold this week in favor of Van Halen, who we both went to see last month at MSG. Our love for Eddie and David Lee Roth was rekindled, and now we can't get enough, and pass the love onto you. Follow us on twitter @Y_vo and @TheScizz and be sure to check out all of our archived podcasts at the Deeg Industries link on the top of the page.

 Apostles, out.

apostlesofbob4.mp3
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The Legal Limit, Episode 2 - Sabres, Bounties and Panhandlers

3/9/2012

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Our New Theme Song!!
The Apologist and The Barrister (feat. Megsie & the Yachtsman)

Well folks, we've never claimed to be timely in our posting of audio opinion material here at the Deeg, and this is no different. If you want timeliness of our opinions, start paying us money and we'll get right on that.

Monday night (yes, the Monday night that is nearly a week ago at this point), fresh off my week in Boston for another Bar Exam (Bad Decision #1), I was eager to convince Apologist to join be in a Sabres-Jets rendezbooze at Kelly's Sports Bar of Lower East Side fame (Bad Decision #2). Ever willing to please (aHEM!), Aps got his shift covered at work and we were a go for another night of hockey-related bad decision-making.   Along for the ride was Yachter who, while typically unwilling to risk exposure to all sorts of bacteria and viruses at Kelly's, was suddenly down to cheer our Sabres on to that 8th place spot in the East (Bad Decision #3).

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He Goes, I Go.

2/20/2012

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Swag.
El Yachtero

"If the #bills let stevie walk and get no one better than manningham I will, in fact, turn in my fan card and root for someone else"

- @matthew1stewart, of BuffaloWins and some fucking blog I wasn't invited to, on twitter discussing the impending Stevie Johnson "issue" at One Bills Drive.

"A league source told The Buffalo News that Johnson isn’t expecting to receive the franchise tag from the Bills, and despite swapping contract proposals recently the two sides are far apart on negotiations. The franchise tag option hasn’t been discussed during negotiations with Johnson, the source told The News."

- Rodney McKissic on TBN's "BillBoard" blog.


So the latest we have on Stevie Johnson is that there is no latest. But realistically, the fact that there is no latest and we have to wait until the combine to get the latest and by that time the latest will probably not be the greatest, but the worst, I'll just start the assumptions here: Stevie isn't going to be a Buffalo Bill next year. The fans back home don't enjoy the swag, the coach doesn't enjoy the penalties, and the bank doesn't enjoy the expenditure.

Ugh.

Weakest.

Ever.

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The Apostles of Bob: Episode 3 - Enter Jeremy Lin Pun Here

2/20/2012

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The Yachtsman & The Scizz (featuring the Barrister)

With Jeremy Lin dominating the court and the national media, of course the Apostles of Bob had to get together and record a new episode. This past week, the Yachtsman and Scizz got together at the Brooklyn headquarters to get drunk on 18.2% alcohol content beer and discuss b-ball and all things Jeremy Lin. Naturally, everybody and their mother have chimed in on the Linsanity phenomenon, but nobody does it quite like the Deeg.

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Fuck Nascar, let's talk about the real issue at hand: Jeremy Lin, I am teenaged girl for you.

2/16/2012

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The Yachtsman

I know, right? It's me, your favorite irascible naysayer who writes sporadically for the website he founded in the early 1980s with three (now) dead men and The Scizz. Well, I'll tell you...as I've written, screamed, grumbled, and/or sobbed quietly to you Deegers so many times before...it takes a lot these days to get this scribe to loquate (not a word). The Sabres are doing everything in their power to make me not watch/like them, i.e. actually trying, not blowing up the roster, allowing Darcy Regier to have a say in personnel management, reaping the financial benefits of Pennsylvania-earth destroying hydro-fracking, existing, etc. The Bills, of course, aren't much better /softly whispers "power of attorney" into the wind. So what's this all about, why all the hoo-ha, you ask? 

Is it the racist Liverpudlian football squad I'm a bit embarrassed to support these days? Have they mastered the game of Soccernomics and turned Anfield into Fenway U.K.? CAN WE GET 3,000 BREATHLESS WORDS OF FANDOM OUT OF ME FOR THAT!?!?

Nay, little girls. You'll not get a treatise on what it's like to be a fan of this that or the other here. I leave that to the professionals.....okay The Barrister....it's his realm of expertise. 

** sidenote: one of my favorite things in life is to watch The B (on Twitter and here) get so breathlessly worked up about a squad, make excuses on why it's okay to root for a shit sandwich, then come crashing down to earth and get frustrated over his squad shyte-ing all over his dreams yet again. This man is a lawyer, with expertly honed logic skills. To watch him fall apart like a house of cards is pure magic. This is the only part of his life that is not totally awesome and together - fuck me, sports is a bitch. PS I love you man. You know this.**

What's led me to write on this shitty little corner of the internet is the following quote from one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE HYPERBOLE HYPERBOLE BASKETBALL PLAYERS (for reals though I love him) Yao Ming:
"His attitude is so peaceful, but there is strength to him. It is not a violent strength like fire or something aggressive. It is like the ocean, very peaceful, very quiet when you look at it. But you can never underestimate the power that is in there."

- Yao Ming on Jeremy Lin

Of course we all know who Jeremy Lin is by now. He's the guy, you know, not white/black, not from D1/Lottery Pick, EXPANDING ALL OF YOUR BASKETBALL HORIZONS WITH HIS MAGICAL POINT GUARDIAN ABILITIES LIKE THE LUKE SKYWALKER OF JAMES DOLAN'S EVIL EMPIRE. Oh my god....this is turning into a breathless fan post. FUCK. I knew this website was a fucking trap.
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"What's that, Lou? It's a what? Oh SHIT! It's a-"
ANYSHIT. For reals, Jeremy Lin has taken the nation by storm, and rightly so. This story just doesn't happen. Everything nowadays is down to such a pure, adroit, infinitesimal science that anomalies simply don't occur at this high of a level. Yeah, you can throw Tim Tebow at me....but how anomalous is he, really? Rivals Elite 11 QB, Heisman Trophy Winner, SEC/Nat'l. Champion, 2nd Round Pick, Anti-Semite (I don't know that) - compared to Lin he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Josh Hamilton? Okay, but before he started giving rim-jobs in the bathroom for travel size Scope bottles, he was an elite Prospect and had a cup of coffee (w/ Jameson obvs) with the Rays before he went to hell and back (skirting with alcoholism myself I feel the need to joke to cope, so lay off Nancy Grace). Jeremy Lin went to HAHVAHD FACKIN YAHD. That doesn't exactly scream Rookie Symposium Invite to me. He was picked up by Golden State to appeal to their Asian fan base, but when they realized they had Steph Curry, Nate Robinson, and Monta Ellis (in a pinch) ahead of him, he was cut like rose stems (time-sensitive metaphor). Then he went to the Rockets 5 years too late, right guys? /Yao joke. After being dispersed by the Rockets ON CHRISTMAS FUCKING EVE (see what Karma looks like, Daryl Morey? SABREMETRIC BASKETBALL MY TAINT), the severely hemorrhaged brain trust at 1 Penn Plaza picked him and the rest is now history.
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My friend wrote this headline, BTW. Awesome. And no, it's not racist, it's wordplay. He's Asian and Amazing. Deal.
Holy mother of shit I've turned into a breathless Linnite now haven't I? ARE YOU READING BARRISTER! I BLAME YOU. Nevertheless, let's get to some astute basketball analysis, of which I am well qualified what with my 3 years of Elementary basketball followed by 2 years of CYO and not trying out for my high school team because I am a maladroit tit of a basketball player. ANYWHENCE. In a vacuum, Lin:

PLUSSES:

- He's WICKED FAHCKIN CAWNFIDENT. I could cite you several instances against Derek Fisher, John Wall, et. al, but all you need to know about his confidence is pictured above. Chandler kicked out the rebound, he called off the pick, and drained a three in Calderon's face with .05 left. If that's not confidence, The Scizz doesn't have rage issues.

- VLINSIONARY. I'm not good at wordplay. Anyway. His vision is tremendous, as demonstrated by two double doubles in his first 6 career starts (stupid. just fucking stupid). When you run the dribble/drive offense, you....dribble...and...drive...and he's good...at...both? Yes. He is. The Knicks, for the first time since The Rooster left and took Ray Felton with him, have demonstrated SPACING, and it's due to Lin's court vision combined with tremendous movement. Subsequently, D'Antoni's offense has clicked and our beloved Blue N Orange are in the midst of a 6 game linning streak (had to). MOVE THE BALL AND ROTATE. WHAT A FUCKING CONCEPT. It only won D'Antoni a million games in Phoenix.

- TOUGHNESS is a strength that is difficult to quantify and more difficult to identify correctly. Lin oozes (grossest sports word ever) it. He's taken key charges, driven against guys like Bynum & Cousins, and even played with an awful open wound for three games (that band-aid on his chin was gnarls). If you're going to run a dribble/drive 7 Seconds or less offense, having a guy who's willing to sacrifice his elderly walking potential is key. /Lazy Steve Nash comparison.

NON-PLUSSES:

- HOLD ONTO THE G-D BALL JEREMY. His turnovers are somewhat troubling, but when your PG is only 23, doesn't have a history of playing vs. top-level talent, and is running a dribble/drive offense where he is the key cog, it's understandable. As a matter of fact, I'd rather watch Lin run the offense and worry about turnovers then have defensive stalwart & ball-responsible Toney Douglas clanging ill-advised three balls off the rims of various Eastern Conference hoops night after night.

- CONLINSTENCY. Again with the wordplay. This isn't a negative so much as it's a question mark. Being a fan of teams such as the Bills, Sabres, and Knicks, I am used to a general level of abject failure sprinkled with bouts of flash-in-the-pan. The level of quality Lin has demonstrated HAS to come down for no other reason that my Karmic deficiencies preclude me from cheering for legitimate winners and All-Stars without drastic bandwagon inspired allegiance shifts. So there's that uber-depressing/ego-maniacal/soul-crushing aspect.
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"Donte Whitner Division Champion?? NOOOOOOOOOO!" /too easy
As much as I keep trying, I haven't figured out an effective way to quantify how fucking great this story has been. The Knicks were on the verge of starting another shit storm winter where Bob Raissman and Filip Bondi furiously masturbate themselves so hard with negativity they make Bucky Gleason and Jerry Sullivan look like Brownie Scouts. All I know is that Lin has brought my girlfriend down to the den to watch Knicks games with me, whereas most times we would be watching Real Huswifes (yeah the colonial spelling...suck it Johnathan Edwards) of Salem Witch Trials or something. 
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The Apostles of Bob: Episode 2 - Sucka Free, Hockey Free

1/9/2012

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Welcome to Brooklyn
The Scizz & The Yachtsman

AoB is back by popular demand! And by popular demand, of course, I'm referring to a incredibly miniscule handful of readers/listeners. But seriously, even if you aren't a huge basketball fan, this is a fun podcast to listen to. Fun was had by all and I believe it to be the bee's knees. Moving on....

This past Saturday night, the Yachtsman and myself gathered in his backyard in Brooklyn with some rare beer and even rarer 58 degree January weather to talk NBA hoops.

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The Apostles of Bob: Episode 1

12/19/2011

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Bob
The Scizz

As some of you may have heard through the twitter grapevine (twapevine?), the Yachtsman and myself have decided to start a basketball only, bi-weekly spinoff podcast from the ever-not-so legendary CrapTastiCast. We felt we needed another platform to fairly discuss all the NBA and general b-ball news that give us both joy and aneurysm inducing rage storms. Ok, maybe the rage storms are just for me, but I digress.

The CrapTastiCast is always aimed more towards the Buffalo sports fan in us, but in all fairness, every member of the Deeg loves them some b-ball, and we never get much time to chat about it. Furthermore, the feedback that we have received from some fans of the podcast is pretty clear: "We don't care about the NBA". And this of course is fair, as plenty of Buffalonians never got into the great league that the NBA has become. However, we still love it, AND we know of plenty of other fans of the Deeg who also love the minions of Stern. Wait, was that racist? Shit. Anyways...

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Jerry Time

12/13/2011

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You don't drive a Subaru, do you Jerry?
The Yachtsman

I really like Jerry Sullivan. I may be the only one in the Buffalo blogotwatosphere aside from noted contrarians Beechsack, 3rd Man In, and/or Matt Stewart (of course, knowing them, they'll nay me on that ... contrarians unite!) who does. When looking at Sullivan, I can't look at him in a vacuum, but rather look at him as compared to his columnal colleagues Sal "I can't believe this guy has authored 17 books" Maiorana, Bucky "I am why newspapers are dying" Gleason, and John "Don't let me date your daughter" Vogl. So whenever Sully comes out with a truly great column (like his once a year NBA column that I'm sure he has to fight the News editorial staff to write) I trumpet it to the rooftops ... and by trumpeting I may deign to throw him a retweet or tell one friend.

But, alas, all's fair in poorly written internet blogging. So when Sullivan writes a column like "Bills' questions outnumber answers", I feel the need to give it the old DGWUS send-up.

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