Let's face it. We're all fed up with the Bills. I can't remember the last time I talked to any kind of Bills fan who was still interested in the remainder of the regular season.
So when drawing my Dudespiration (do somethin') for this week's preview, I thought of one of my top five moments when the Dude lands in the office of the Malibu Police Chief
("A real reactionary").
Because honestly, I want to say this to the Bills right now...
If nothing else, this game led me to this poster. Awesome.
There was a time this season when it seemed absurd to think that a Week 14 match-up against the San Diego Changers would be meaningless. That time is not today. Nor really any day in the last five weeks.
We all know the situation. Chances are if you've followed DGWUS' coverage of the Bills season, the slide in performance has come with a slide in our already limited attention spans. But with the team's infirmary overrun with wounds (FOURTEEN players on the injured reserve list? Seriously?!) and the play on the field looking equally gruesome, it's hard to imagine anyone getting very excited for a game on the west coast against a 5-7 team getting ready to fire their head coach.
And so in keeping with the Scizz's Lebowski theme this season, the most relevant Dude moment to me was this classic scene from the Coen brothers' film...
This is my week 13 Buffalo Bills preview. It's not really a preview, rather, it's a rage and sadness storm. Also, it probably makes little to any sense. Meh.
If you are a fan of the Big Lebowski, then you will be familiar with the scene above. If you are a HUGE fan of the Big Lebowski, then you will be very familiar with the title of the post. You see, when Lebowski plays on cable, John Goodman's favorite line of "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"
is brilliantly translated to "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"
Almost as good as the famous Scarface translation into "Where'd you get that beauty scar, tough guy? Eating pineapple?"
. But, I'll let you check that out for yourself
What does this have to do with the Buffalo Bills? Well, when the Bills started this season, they were tough underdogs who worked hard, played harder, and seemed like they were ready to take on the world. They were Walter's original line. Since week 7, the Bills have become that weak direct to TV translation. They are plagued with constant injuries, show little to no heart (although I'll admit there was a couple sparks last week), and have powerful ability to look like a NAIA college football team.
This is going to be a short one. My mind has been elsewhere, and in all honesty, the idea of football and all organized sports has been totally put on the back burner this week (although I did watch both Sabres games).
Last week's loss to the Jets sucked. That's all I can muster. If you want more, check out my recap
, or head over to Buffalo Wins
to hear Joe and I talk about it on his podcast.
On to the week 10 preview against Big D, or as some assholes would have you believe, "America's team". Really? America's team? FUCK. THAT. NOISE. The Dallas Cowboys are one of the most hated franchises in all of sports. How the hell could anyone ever say they are the team that represents the U.S.?
Then again, the team, much like the Jets, has spent the last 20 years employing d-bags like Jimmie Johnson, Tony Romo, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and because he went to Alabama, I assume Felix Jones. Therefore, since I think as a nation we are mostly d-bags, maybe they ARE America's team. Yup, profound generalizations about an entire nation and organization. Everyone else is doing it this week, so I figured I'd jump in.
As the Yachtsman told me on Tuesday night, if the Bills win this game, they will prove they are the real deal, but if they get trounced, it's lights out (Merriman reference!). Seems pretty simple, but I tend to agree. Last week displayed how Buffalo can still be easily out-played and out-coached. As much as the Cincy and Giants losses hurt, this one was the first devastating loss of the year. It was the first time the Bills looked like the team we all thought we would see this year. They have to respond. They have to mimic the Jets and Giants, two teams that have looked to be in deep trouble this year, but then turned it around with some big, impressive wins. The Bills need this in order to prove to themselves that they are a team capable of a playoff run, and to prove to us that this is not the same old Buffalo Bills.
But the Cowboys need this too. At 4 - 4, they desperately need to jump back into the division/wild card hunt. Their loss to the Eagles was an embarrassment, and the Giants have bounced back to become a major contender in the NFC. We are dealing with two teams that are out to prove something. And as Mr. Lebowski told the Dude, the bums will always lose. Let's see which team plays the role of "the bums" this week, and which one plays the role of Lebowski's Little Urban Achievers. Wait, was that racist? Ah fuck it, I can't tell anymore.
With that being said, I look forward to enjoying this week's game with the Scizette's family in Jersey; Giants fans who HATE the Cowboys. Always fun when fans of two teams can get together and share their hate for another sports franchise altogether. This is how family bonds are made. That, and heavy consumption of stuffing and whiskey on Thanksgiving. More on that another day.
Not sure what this has to do with anything, but how could I not post it?
A few more thoughts before I wrap this up:
-The Bills lost Kyle Williams for good this week, so that sucks. It's your D now Mr. Dareus, time to step up.
-Buffalo also lost Mr. Consistency (most of the time?), Rian Lindell, and signed kicker Dave Rayner, who coincidentally, served me at Boson Market last Wednesday afternoon!
-The offensive line still looked solid last week. I expect nothing less in week 10, especially with Levitre and Hairston totally healthy. I never expected to ever type that last sentence.
-Fred Jackson needs another big game. Duh. 20-25 carries and MORE FUCKING SCREEN PASSES, CHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
-Stop throwing deep to Donald Jones. You have Stevie Johnson, and two enormous targets in David Nelson and Scott Chandler. I love DoJo, but the guy is way to small to be the deep threat that Fitz hopes he is.
-Demarco Murray is the real deal. There is a chance this kid could go nuts on the Defense. Then again, there is a chance that Lee Smith has a breakout game and catches four touchdowns. I'm an idiot.
-I just deleted a whole paragraph making disparaging remarks about a certain moron who writes for the Buffalo News. Take your pick. I'm going to save that expose for another day.
-Jerry Jones is a fucking asshole. Seriously, how could anyone like a billionaire owner who overspends for ridiculous things and causes the fans to put the franchise up on a pedestal wait a minute forget I ever said anything moving on.
With that, I'd normally say follow me on twitter, but due to the stupidity of humans, and my own mental health, I am taking a sabbatical from the tweet machine. Follow the Deeg though, those guys are alright.
Go Bills, and enjoy this clip of Chris Cox doing his amazing Jerry Jones impression
on Sklarbro Country. Oh, and my new favorite musical artist, J.D. Mcpherson. How does that voice come out of that guy? I love it.
I started with a cheap shot foot joke at Rex Ryan this week. So what? I don't want to be original. I want to be a mean spirited guy that makes fun of other's shortcomings, so I say fuck him and his clogged arteries. I WANT VICTORY!!!
In my week 9 Bills preview, I have decided to very simply break down all the things I LOVE about the Bills so far this year and HATE about the Jets. After last week's performance, the Bills deserve no animosity from me, however, that could all change this week BECAUSE IF THEY LOSE TO THE JETS I WILL DISOWN THEM AS A FRANCHISE AND MOVE TO CANADA! NOTHING LESS WILL BE ACCEPTED AAAAAAHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAGE STOOOOOOOOOOORM I HATE THE JETS!!!!
Before I blow a gasket, let me count the ways I adore the 2011 Buffalo Bills:
1. Fred Jackson is arguably the best running back in the NFL this season and should be a legitimate early MVP contender. Of course Aaron Rodgers, Calvin Johnson, and Patrick Willis are getting all of the attention, as well they should be, but blowhards on the radio and ESPN are talking up Eli FUCKING Manning as an early candidate. Just stop. Seriously.
Jackson has already rushed for 721 yards, with 1074 yards from scrimmage in ONLY SEVEN GAMES! Toss in a 5.5 yards per carry average and 6 TD's and that's pretty fucking incredible. The only other RB's that even touch him this year are AP (Vikings suck), and Matt Forte (Mike Martz). As mentioned on this week's CrapTastiCast
, Freddie is by far the best RB this team has had since Thurman, and the organization needs to lock him up NOW! If the team makes the playoffs, hence lifting my ban of purchasing Bills merchandise, #22 is an easy purchase....after he extends his contract.
2. Marcell Dareus is going to be a beast for years to come. Yachtsman touched on this earlier
in the week, so I won't exhaust it, but JESUS H. CHRIST did you see him move out there last Sunday? I don't give a shit if it was the Redskins or any other team, franchise players dominate bad teams. That's what he did, and I want to kiss him on the mouth. Picture that....go ahead, do it. You know you want to.
3. The collective of random players making big plays is mind blowing. Fitzy and Stevie Johnson have become quite the impressive combo, but how about Scott Chandler and his 6 Touchdowns? How did Chan and Buddy find this guy? CHANDLAARS!!!!
Throw in David Nelson, Naaman Roosevelt, George Wilson, Kirk Morrison, Bryan Scott, and I could keep going. Gotta love the Goonies.
4. The offensive line is the most ridiculously over-achieving group of players I have ever seen. Even with Demetrius Bell resting, the group has created a fortress of solitude around the Amish Rifle, the likes of which no one has seen in Buffalo since 1994.
Can you name all the starters? Here they are: Andy Levitre, Jim Richter, Mike Ludders
, Fred Dukes
, and a marble pillar. The more you know.
Now onto the Jets hate. Fuck 'em.
1. The fans (for the most part) are cut from the mold of satan's asshole. Besides a few close friends who know football, it is next to impossible to have intelligent conversations with these monsters. Every time I travel to the Meadowlands or watch football in New York, I get Johnny Pepperoni and big Sal telling me how great the Jets are, and how the Bills and everybody else in the NFL suck, despite them only knowing that Mark Sanchez is their QB, Rex Ryan is the coach, and bunch of black guys they would normally hate are the rest of the team. Yes, I'm calling many of them racist. Head to the Meadowlands, you'll see.
Remember how much these guys loved Eric Mangini? The Mangenius? Remember all of the shit talking these fuckheads did when he was the coach? Another rage storm approaching....
The worst part is that this fat fuck Rex Ryan has bumped up their sense of accomplishment. I don't mind fans being confident in their team, BUT ONLY IF THEY CAN BACK IT UP!!!! If you can't name the starting defense or even know the name of your coordinators, then get the fuck away from me and go back to watching Soprano's re-runs and talking about how you could beat up Ronnie from Jersey Shore. Uh oh.....RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOORM!!!!!!!!!
This Deeg interlude brought to you by a crying, steroid fueled d-bag
Alright, I"m better now. I swear. Deeeeeeeeeeeep breath, and here we go:
2. Darrelle Revis is so fucking good it makes me angry. I'm not sure how to justify this, but the guy is the game changing coverage corner that I have always wanted the Bills to find. Having him on the field gives the Jets an insane boost, no matter who they are playing. I WANT HIM ON MY TEAM GOD DAMMIT! Oh wait, we have Leodis. Joy.
3. Mark Sanchez is slightly better than Trent Dilfer. He is not a star QB. He is a good looking asshole who knows how and when to say the right things, but as a player he does "just enough". The reason that Baltimore won a Super Bowl in 2001 was their defense and running game, and that's how the Jets manage to succeed (although the running game has struggled the last couple of seasons). Trent Dilfer's job was to not screw up; same as the role Sanchez has taken. Sure, he has shown flashes of star power, but overall the guy is mediocre. This isn't a bad thing for the Jets, but the fans, media, and his teammates need to stop treating him like super star. He's no Browning Nagle.
4. I hate Rex Ryan. I hate his fat face. I hate his dumb foot fetish. I hate his loudmouth predictions that nobody holds him accountable for. I hate his doofy smile. I hate his brother. I hate the fact he gave up on his team and talked shit about them
, yet when THEY turned it around, he took all of the credit. I hate that he is a known horse rapist. I hate that he laughed when Steve Jobs passed away. I hate that he drinks Cosmopolitans. I hate that he runs a dog fighting ring. And finally, I hate that he never even considered coaching the Bills.
But that no longer matters because Chan is the man!
Until a blowout loss tomorrow, and then of course I move to Canada and start my new Toronto sports themed blog, Dear Lord, what aboot us, eh?
(Or enter your own bad Canadian joke here)
It really did tie the room together.
Welcome to your week 8 Bills preview. In honor of the most delightfully racist mascot in all of professional sports (except maybe the Canadiens), I pay tribute to the Dude's inability to understand the non-PC issue with the term "chinaman". Although the prick did piss on his rug.
This week the the Bills travel to Toronto to "host" the Washington Redskins, as they attempt to piss on Buffalo's metaphorical rug. Or not really because Buffalo's rug would be the Ralph, wouldn't it? And doesn't the Ralph already smell like piss from the years of grown men urinating in sinks during halftime? Huh? What was I talking about?
Oh right, football.
The Bills are still pretty banged up at receiver after failing to make a deal for Brandon Lloyd or Reggie Wayne at the trade deadline, and defensive stalwart Kyle Williams looks to still be weeks away from a return. Furthermore, roideriffic Shawne Merriman's season is over, and most likely his joke of a career in Buffalo. Back to long days of drinking Grey Goose and beating the fuck out of 90 pound internet models for him! You can hear us bitch about it more on this week's CrapTastiCast
In positive news, Demetrius Bell, aka Karl Malone Jr. will return to anchor the O-line, and the Amish Rifle himself enters the game with a brand spankin' new contract worth $59 million over 6 years. Daaaaaaaaayum! That is one expensive beard! Here's hoping it translates into a big game from the bearded wonder, and not a disaster, like the careers of other recent overpriced QB contracts. I'm looking at you Derek Anderson and Charlie Tavaris Whitehurst Jackson. With a huge pay raise in tow, look for Fitzy to come out firing on all cylinders, especially after a bye week and time to think about the atrocious picks he threw against the Giants two weeks ago. I for one would love to see Freddie Jackson to get 25-30 carries, and for Spiller to get 10-15, but we all know Chan wants to rack up at least 40 points, so let the heart attacks begin!
I SEE THE LIGHT! Oh wait, that's just the headlights of Marshawn's car.
As for the Redskins, their top wideout, starting TE, and go-to RB are out for the game. Santana Moss is nursing a broken interior cruciminary fibula bone, Chris Cooley is banging his hot wife
, and Tim Hightower was put on season ending IR for a burst eardrum and nagging nosebleeds. Sexy Rexy will NOT be gunning repetitive throws into Buffalo's secondary, and instead, assumed Mormon (insert sister-wives joke here) John Beck gets his second straight start after a decent showing in week 7 against the Cowboys.
That all seems to look wonderful for the Bills, except for the fact that Buffalo tends to play shitty against underdeveloped players that nobody has heard of. I see John Beck throwing for 400 yards, Roy Helu running for 150 and 3 TD's, and of course Art Monk will make his triumphant return to the 'Skins to put up 11 catches for 172 yards, all while taunting Andre Reed with his Hall of Fame jacket on. Not to mention, Brian Orakpo will be the first player to light up the Bills line by tripling the season sack total from two to six. He still remembers getting passed up for Aaron Maybin.
Alright, maybe I'm overreacting a taaaaaaaad bit. I just know Buffalo has played shitty in Toronto the past couple seasons, and it stirs up a rage storm inside of me every time it's called a home game. Fuck that! At least George Wilson finally stood up and called out the idea that this is some sort of advantage for his team. About time somebody spoke up. God knows that shitface Trent Edwards was always sucking up to the wasteland that is Canada. Stupid Canada, with their clean air, free health care, and incredible gun control laws. HA! Pussies!
Now excuse me while I breathe in enough toxins to kill a moose, look at a bill from Empire for $1300 for an emergency room visit seven years ago, and then get hit by a stray bullet on my way home from writing this. AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
Man in black? Is that you?
Ah the bye week. In the past several years, it has become one of my favorite times of the year. One week of the NFL where I can focus on my fantasy team(s) above all else. One week where I don't have to be concerned about the Bills getting blown out by 40. One week where my heart can rest from the ridiculous emotions the Bills have sent firing through me. One week where I can rest my liver from the pounding it takes while trying to drown said emotions.
This year I expected to be a little more antsy over the bye week, but alas, I'm pretty psyched about it. With a full Friday and Saturday of wedding plans in Connecticut (for friend of DGWU, D-Roc, whom you may remember from Ep. 14 of the CrapTastiCast), this Sunday is going to turn out to be a nice little resting period for the gal and I. No screaming at the secondary for getting torched by mediocre wide receivers. No near vomiting from all the close games that Fitz and the crew have put us through. And best of all, no new injuries to seven more starters.
So what else is there to do? Well I'm glad you stopped by, because the Scizz has got your back. Here is a fantabulous rundown of some activities to keep you busy this weekend, listed from top to bottom according to priority.
Paging the spirit of Bob Corkum. Bob Corkum are you there?
1. Stop back in to DGWU for the epic return of the CrapTastiCast. After a two-month hiatus due to constant traveling, high level stress at real jobs, technical errors because of celebratory beer spillage, and outright laziness, we all got together this week and recorded episode 15! It takes place in darkess at Megsie's apartment with a full menu of craft beer and incoherent ramblings from each of us. Remember how we hit our stride after a few episodes? Yeah, that's gone. But, it still was a lot of fun and we are sure you will enjoy it.
If you have yet to familiarize yourself with the little podcast we do here, check out the CrapTastiCast archives to prepare yourself.
May I suggest episodes 3, 7, and 13 as some of our best non-guest adventures.
2. NASCAR, BITCHES! With no Bills game, I'll be able to focus on one of my favorite races of the year; the Fall Talladega race. Tune in to ESPN Sunday afternoon to see why Will Ferrell and Adam McKay chose this track as their muse for Ricky Bobby. With only five races left in the Chase for the Sprint Cup, just 35 points separate first from eighth place. Carl Edwards holds a slim lead over Kevin Harvick and last week's winner Matt Kenseth. Five-time defending champ Jimmie Johnson sits in eighth place, so please join with me in hoping he blows an engine by lap 14 so that NASCAR can finally have a new title holder.
3. Sabres Hockey. Do I really need to write anything else? Go back and look at the Barrister's giddiness
over his last few posts if you need any more reason.
4. Go to the movies and watch Johnny English Reborn. I love Rowan Atkinson and I love Mr. Bean. I don't care if this makes it seem like I'm nine, the dude makes me laugh.
5. Piss of your girlfriend/wife (or boyfriend/husband!) by watching every other NFL game on Sunday, while keeping your computer open to stat-tracker from 1pm until 12am. This should be completely understandable. Just know that when football season ends, you may have to sit and watch a full day's worth of that Sex and the City box set you bought her for Christmas (or Aqua Teen Hunger Force for the dudes).
6. I know I said this could be a rest from activities that destroy your body, but then again, why not get intoxicated and watch The Big Lebowski. Then these stupid Bills preview posts will make more sense with a fresh viewing on your mind. And if you have never seen it, LEAVE THIS SITE NOW YOU GOD-FORSAKEN SPIRIT!!!!! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!!
7. Catch up on the blogosphere. If you're like me, then the sheer amount of content on Bills and Sabres blogs has been somewhat overwhelming over the past few weeks. I have often found myself way behind on posts from some of my "go to" blogs. Take a look at our archives first, of course, then check out our blogroll for all the sites we here at DGWU love. Or in some cases love/hate. I'm talking to YOU, Tim Connolly supporters!
8. Finally, if you have nothing else to do, watch stupid baseball and punch yourself in the face.
Enjoy the weekend and I'll see you next week for my Week 8, Bills-Redskins preview. Let us all hope and pray that Sexy Rexy will be playing, just for the high comedy that comes with watching him attempt to play football.
I have recently fell back in love with the wit and music stylings of Mr. Ben Folds, so enjoy this fantastic video from 1997 when I was an awkward, high school nerdathlete. Oh, and kudos to you if you "got" the caption under the the lead-in picture to this post. Gotta love that Lebowski/Jacob connection.
The healthiest preparation before Bills games.
Welcome to my Week 6 Buffalo Bills preview. My apologies for not providing you, the dear readers, with a Lebowski quote themed Bills preview for last week's game against the Fuggles. I actually wrote almost half the post in a car en-route to Montreal for a bachelor party, and fully planned on finishing and posting it at some point while I was there, I really did. However, after arriving on the scene, what followed was a 27 hour bender the likes I have not been a part of in years. Which of course, was my first reason for this week's Big Lebowski quote. Naturlly.I have three other connections to this week's title...
1. I feel like we all need a strict drug regimen to keep our minds straight while dealing with these Bills. Dear lord. With the exception of the opener against the Chiefs, every week has driven us to the brink of insanity. Two huge comeback wins, one 14 point lead blown to lose the game on the last play, and of course last week's odd domination/almost last minute choke. Tack on all the injuries to the secondary, offensive line, and now receivers, and this team will kill at least 37 people this season due to strokes or heart attacks. I would suggest that getting really drunk would help you deal with it, however, I have tried that nearly every week and I still freak out with a terrifying rapid heart beat. Drugs it is.
*DGWU does not support the use of illegal drugs. Except meth, which has given us the birth of Intervention, Breaking Bad, and obviously Hoarders.
This photo is not too far from the actual truth
2. Will somebody get Merriman back on the drugs? Seriously. I read earliest this week that his effin' achilles is bothering him AGAIN! And, I just received a text that says he didn't even travel with the team to Jersey. I hope everyone is with me when I say, pump this dude full of 'roids again and feed him enough cocaine to make Tony Montana blush. Who is in charge of these things? Where is the guy I knew from college whose job it was to keep Jim Kelly's Gatorade bottle full of vodka when he was watching from the sidelines? (Post-career! Post-Career!)
Does anyone have Canseco's s Cell #?
3. Eli Manning always looks confused and paranoid. You think his teammates would have passed some sticky icky onto him by now. Kid needs to caaaaaaalm down and relax sometimes. I usually feel bad for him, even when he is winning. Imagine having incredible pressure to live up to your father's insane expectations and then live in the shadow of your much more talented older brother. I don't give a fuck if he won a Super Bowl trophy! Look at him! Every time he throws the ball he looks like he either just shit his pants or he just remembered that he left a bootleg porn vid in his parent's VCR. (Sidenote: Both feel like punches to the stomach)
Oh I hope it wasn't the one with the she-males.
In other news, this game scares the fuck out of me. The Giants tend to rebound very well after disappointing losses, and could there be a more disappointing loss than last week's debacle against the Charlie Whitehurst led Seahawks? Tom Coughlin may not be considered the greatest coach out there, or the greatest coach named Tom, or even a coach at all, but one thing he does do well is motivate his team after major letdowns. If I wasn't a lazy blogger watching a Hockey game while I type this (GOOOOOOOOOOOAL BY ROOOOOOOOOOOOY!), I would have attempted to looked up a stat for this. I should have asked Black & Blue & Gold
if we could get CriminallyVul1ga
on loan this week.
Keep in mind that these Giants are still 3 - 2 and have looked very good at times this year. Hakeem Nicks is a huge receiving threat, something that has given Buffalo's weak secondary fits this year. Which reminds me! Have you EVER seen such a paradoxical pass coverage in your life? These guys will give up big pass after big pass, which has driven me fucking nuts this season, but have still managed a ridiculous number of interceptions. I don't get it. It has been either all or nothing....and I kinda like it.
What other incredible insider news do I have for you? Well, I could go over all of the injury reports and what-not, but you can read those anywhere. So here are the injuries that will happen THIS week: Giants:
Victor Cruz - High Ankle Sprain, Justin Tuck - Strained Scrotum, Brandon Jacobs - Lodged Bear Claw, Steve Smith - Philadelphia Eagles, Jason Pierre-Paul - Fuckin' FrenchBills:
Naaman Roosevelt - Broken hand (of course), C.J. Spiller - Cracked ego, Terrance McGee - Leg fell off, Kellen Heard - Fall into obscurity, Lee Smith - Torn rotator cuff leading to Tommy John surgery, and of course Freddie Jackson's head will explode from extreme awesomeness. TO THE LINKS!5 reasons to hate the New York Giants: Buffalo Wins
I love leading with these. Joe drops some much loved hate.Should the Bills trade for a Wide Receiver?: WNY Water Cooler
Steve talks about the Buffalo WR trade rumors.Buffalo Barks!: Kenny's 2 Pennies
If you are not watching Kenny's Bills (and 'Cuse) video recaps, you are truly missing out.3 guys who need to show up for the Bills: Buffalo Wins
Title says it all. And I agree with everything Joe wrote here.Breaking down the rest of Buffalo's schedule: Buffalo Lowdown
Brad Andrews plays a little game I use to drive myself crazy with.
Enjoy the game this weekend and GO BILLS!!! I'm feeling high school nostalgic today:
Welcome to my Buffalo Bills, week 4 preview. I will briefly break down this so-called "trap game" against the Bengals, AND provide you with some great Buffalo Bills blog links (not just to everything on the Bills website that Chris Brown writes, or the TBN and WGR crapfest), but first, as the Big Lebowski quote that titles this post foreshadows, I have something to get off my chest.Bengals Head Coach Marvin Lewis Guaranteed a win over our beloved Buffalo Bills this week
. That's right, he thinks his criminally filled, 1 - 2 Bengals are going to be at .500 at the end of the day on Sunday. I'm not going to sit here and start preaching about how the Buffalo Bills are the best team in the NFL and that nobody can compete with them, but what I am going to do is tell Marvin Lewis to shut the fuck up. Guarantee a win in week 4 against a team clearly superior to you? Really? REALLY?
Andy Dalton and the new Bengals offense has looked fairly solid thus far, but to make a bold statement like that is just mind-numbingly stupid. I HATE when players and coaches guarantee victories. Why? Because everybody does it now. There is no longer any meaning or repercussions to making these absurd promises. Several years ago, the guarantee meant something. It rarely happened, and when it did, it was a player that, nine times out of ten, could back up the talk. Now, it seems like every week, some over-aged wide receiver, back-up linebacker, or Rex Ryan are guaranteeing victories and championships, because the media just ignores it the following week and there is no "real" accountability. So what if they are wrong? They just say "oh well" and move on to their next idiotic plea for attention. However, when they are correct in their guarantee, they look like a like a real team leader that motivated the team to victory. BULLSHIT. Shut the fuck up and do your job. If you win, congrats. If you lose, move on and work harder. Goodell needs to start suspending the douche-nozzles that make these "bold" predictions that don't come true. Otherwise, fat assholes like Rex Ryan will keep guaranteeing a Super Bowl win because his dumb ass bandwagoning fans will believe everything he says. These are your average fans that honestly know little to nothing about the actually franchise. So in closing to this part of the preview, could the Bengals beat the Bills this week? Absolutely. But, guaranteeing that it is definitely going to happen just shows how far Marvin Lewis has fallen. A once highly touted coach is hanging on for dear life, and pulling out every lame trick in the book to hold on to his shitty job.
Join me after the jump for the rest of the week 4 "preview".
The Belichick children
I could sit here and tell you that my doubt of Fitzy’s consistency still lingers. I could tell you that our run defense still has MANY kinks to work out before we contend. And, I could shout at you that Leodis McKelvin is this team’s biggest liability and needs to stop being awful immediately. But you know what? That’s where it ends. This team has brought me more joy in the last two weeks than I can remember. I’m even counting that 5 – 1 start that Trent Edwards had a few years ago. This team showed HEART last week, and when it counted, they stepped up to get the big W….except Leodis, he still sucks balls.
The Buffalo Bills have already exceeded all of our expectations and it is only week 3. The Amish Rifle is THE MAN! Freddie Jackson leads the NFL in rushing. Stevie Johnson and David Nelson are stud wideouts. Hell, even Chris Kelsay is making plays and Scott Chandlaar is channeling everybody's fave ex-Bills Tight End. CAN'T NOBODY HOLD ME DOWN! BRING ON THE WEEK THREE OPPONENT!!! Who is it? Wait.....oh fuck.
DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! I despise Tawmmy Brady and Wes Welkaaaaaaaah so much I just punched myself in the face. Every time Brady drops back, I pray Bryan Scott takes one for the team and does a human missile right at his knee cap. Have you seen this 2011 Pats team play?
As the quote from Walter Sobchak says in the title, these Patriots believe in nothing. They do not believe in destiny. They do not believe in superstitions. They believe in nothing and will destroy all in their path, leaving scattered bodies in their wake and children in tears. This team is not God-like, and they are not the anti-christ. They are soul-less beings that are out to devour our expectations and piss on our graves. They look tremendously like the 2007 Pats Juggernaut of evil and destruction.
BUT....you know what? Nobody REALLY expects the Bills to win this game. Sure, d-bags on ESPN are comparing Fitz to Jim Kelly, and numerous Buffalo based blogs are saying this could be the end of the vomit-inducing 15 - 0 streak, but everybody else is snickering at the thought that Bills fans ACTUALLY think that this Buffalo Bills team can win. So I say fuck it. Let's see what Chan can do with all of his new weapons. Let's see Marcell "Biggie Smalls" Dareus and Shawn Merriman back up their talk and end the 15 - 0 streak. Let's see Action Jackson get 25 carries and run over a weaker than usual Pats D. Let us pray to all that is good, that these heartless monsters of fury are mesmerized by a glistening beard and an ILB that can actually cover Tight Ends. This team will not be afraid, so neither should we.
These are the 2011 Buffalo Bills. And in all honesty, nobody has any fucking clue what they may be capable of. Go Bills.