The Barrister


That was... less than it could have been.

That's all I can manage to say about this team, except we all know that's not true because I'm about to ramble on for a thousand words or so and it's going to be great.

In past years at the Deeg, Yachtsman took care of these recaps. They were fucking great. One of my favorites was when the Bills beat the Pats in 2011. It was a booze-fueled moment of jubilation.

This is not that post. 


On to the recap of sadness!!!

During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....

The Scizz

First and foremost, go here and buy a shirt for #SupportSally if you haven't already. In fact, even if you have go buy another one. The support we have seen from Buffalo and the blog/twitter/facebook universe has been incredible. Keep it up. On to the foosball.

Where do you even begin with this offseason? My mood towards this team has changed so many times I can't even remember if I was excited after the draft or was certain of a 2 - 14 season. The good? The Bills are rid of the football herpes known as Chan Gailey & Buddy Nix. They hired young, motivated coaches in Doug Marrone, Nate Hackett, and Mike Pettine. They confidently reached at the draft for a future QB1 in E.J. Manuel. The bad? Potential shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore is out 6-8 weeks for an already thin CB squad, Jarius Byrd appears to hate the idea of being anywhere near Buffalo, and although E.J. Manuel appears to be healthy, the QB situation over the last couple weeks looks like something out of shitty ABC family T.V. movie. 

But you know what? I'm sitting on the Yachtsman's couch in Buffalo right now, we're going to the game Sunday, and dammit all football is back. So similar to what my fictional idol Peter Venkman says in a time of fear, uncertainty, and almost certain death, "I love this team! I'm excited to be a fan! Let's do it!" 

After the jump I ramble some more

The Barrister

I don’t think my liver was really ready for that delightful mess of a game.

Defensive dominance? A special teams touchdown? Thrilling, last-minute interceptions? A 50/50 split of running and passing plays? Apologist buying round after round of preemptive victory shots, chased down by Lagunitas IPAs?

So. Much. Win.

As a new dad, and a Bills fan, I haven’t gotten many days or nights like that recently, and I’m not entirely sure I could handle it if one of my teams actually started to get good for once. I know the team is bad, and we’ll get to that, but fuck what a fun night. 

Which isn’t to say it wasn’t ugly.  After all, winning ugly – very ugly, mostly – appears to be the best we can reasonably expect from this enigma of a squad.  But, after putting together one of their most complete games of the year in Foxboro this past week, only to fall short when it mattered, the Bills took an early lead at home and cherished it like the rare commodity that it is. They ran the ball often relative to their track record, relied on their best player to get them the points they needed – albeit via field goals – and made sure not to disappoint a home crowd itching to get that primetime monkey off its back.

It honestly shouldn’t have worked, seeing as they’re a garbage team coached by a garbage Chan and owned by a garbage taint, but it’s not like the Universe doesn’t owe us a game like that every once in a while.  And even with the playoffs a supremely unlikely scenario for these Bills, a win is a win is a boy this team is not very good please god where is hockey?

Screw it.... On to the milquetoast takes!

_ “It’s not polite to say ‘shit’ Daddy.”

–Jambaby, during Bills/Patriots game

@jambrones, Guest Contributor

On Sundays, I usually go gallivanting with my comrades on a masochistic Buffalo Bills adventure.  But this week, I hunkered down with my 6 year old 1st Grader, aptly named “Jambaby”  by The Continental, for an afternoon of simplicity, surprise and nostalgia.  I was reminded of my earliest memory of the Buffalo Bills: the goalposts coming down in 1980 after beating Miami for the first time in 10 years.  I too, was 6.  This past Sunday vs. the New England Patriots, full circle?   Well, we all know how that went. Ugh. 

Here’s a #kidcommentary breakdown.

The Deeg


What a busy week it has been at DGWU Sports! Between news of the NHL Lockout and our battles with the various personalities at WGR for refusing, as is their custom, to engage with viewpoints other than (a) their own, or (b) those of the mouthbreathers who call into WGR and make it their mission to express their vehement disdain for everything in the world, there was a LOT to discuss when we gathered Wednesday night. More shots were fired and kindling put onto the world of Buffalo sports media so that we can continue to watch it burn. Heh. Sports.

Oh, and there are those Buffalo Bills, too, which is actually where we started in segment one as we recapped the shit show that was Sunday with the Deeg. Bills @ Cardinals was by no means an enjoyable time, but recapping the fun times we had and the trainwreck of a game ended up being pretty fun/depressing/rage-inducing.

In segment two we welcomed Colin Bruckel, one of the founders of TheHosers.com, a site we have linked to for a while and which provides stellar insight about the legal issues surrounding professional hockey and, in particular, the CBA. Colin's assessment of the current CBA negotiations was as interesting and well-presented as any I've heard, and it is an understatement to say that we were lucky to have him on. I would note, however, that since our discussion took place before the NHLPA presented its own offers to the league (and before Bettman rejected them immediately), you'll want to keep an eye on his site for more hot legal takes. Or you could continue being ignorant and just keep listening to the superficialities of sports talk radio.

Segment three brings it back to our wheelhouse of inappropriateness and ill-conceived sports takes as we talk the USMNT's win on Tuesday, the NBA's new policy restricting pre-game celebrations, Apologist's suicidal ideations following the Orioles' elimination from the playoffs, and our predictions for the Bills/Titans game this weekend. I must add that we had intended to talk more about (read: make fun of) Shawne Merriman's return to Buffalo, but had to toss that to the back burner so we'd have time to talk about the more pressing issues of gloating about our intellectual superiority over talk radio hosts. It's a burden, really. In any event, I'm hopeful that Merriman's second tenure in the 716 will give us plenty of opportunities to point and laugh. 

Musical interludes this week are provided by Broken Bells, Gov't Mule & REO Speedwagon, as well as - of course - The Jambrones. 

Download here and stream below, or check out our Libsyn page or iTunes button below where you can get all of our archived podcasts and subscribe for future hot, aural takes.

The Barrister

While Yachtsman was busy putting a silly little hobbit in his place yesterday, Joe Pinzone had me on his Talkamania podcast and we talked a whole bunch about the Bills, Fitz, Mario, the shitty defense and our obsession with football players justifying the money someone else pays them.

For serious, it ran a little long, but that'll happen. 

Sunday was bad. Really bad. But we're doing it again this weekend and the catharsis of chatting about these not-so-lovable losers is the best way to get me through the weekday doldrums and start to feel ok about sitting down for another potential ass-kicking. 

Maybe I really am insane. Maybe the silly little hobbit was right. ... Nah, fuck it. Everything about everything I do is unassailable. All. Day. Long.

While you're listening to these spoken word hot takes, be sure to check out the litany of content over at Buffalo Wins.

The Deeg


Still smarting from Sunday's Week 1 debacle? Still want to wallow a little more, while simultaneously having your favorite blowhards serenade your ear holes with ill-formed arguments, rage storms and jokes about strippers?

Of course you do.

The Deeg was in attendance at MetLife this weekend. While the Bills couldn't be bothered to bring their A Game, we showed up to fucking play. And play we did.

That was creepy.

With a short pregame segment and a doggie bag full of hot takes from our ultimate, postgame trip back to the five boroughs, we discuss our terrible squad, undersized jerseys, canine cunnilingus, needle dick Jets fans, dick-hatted state troopers, and the presumptive end of the Ryan Fitzbeardy Era at One Bills Drive.

Recorded on an iPhone, what we lack in technical quality, we make up in faceless internet potshots.

Musical interludes by Buffalo hip hop duo Kinda Like Dreamin, the Violent Femmes and Queen.

Download here or here, (iTunes link pending) and stream below.

The Scizz

Ah yes! You smell that in the air? That is the faint glimmer of optimism that secretes from the pores of DGWU every September. True, we bitched and moan all summer about the franchise, specifically our inept front office and our senile, Foghorn Leghorn owner, but that is all chicken wing grease under the frier, baby! We are just a few short days away from the return of our beloved Buffalo Bills!

The football excitement has hit all of us here at DGWU. The Barrister is fired up to actually watch all of each game this year after missing most of the second halves due to "prior commitments", which I can only assume has something to do with a Turkish bathhouse. The Apologist has recently posted thoughts on these final days to kick-off, in which the love of football starts running into your veins and fighting it only makes you want it more. And of course that soccer-loving dingleberry, the Yachtsman, is even hosting the DGWU crew on Sunday with his newly acquired NFL Sunday Ticket. He may deny it, but I brought up some young Buffalo players this past weekend and I saw his eyes light up. As cynical as all of us are, we still LOVE this team. Everything I wrote here still rings true, though as I mentioned in that post, I will still cheer for this team to the bitter end. I may not get as angry when they lose as I use to, and I may not "freak out" if I can't find a certain item of Bills clothing before game-time, but I sure as hell know that when that first kick-off flies through the air, I will be a screaming idiot hoping for a 16-0 season. Which reminds me, go fuck yourself WGR.

Now I can move on to my very brief and totally unorthodox Buffalo Bills preview. I am not going to call it a "season preview" because that would be unfair to all the great blogs that did fantastic season previews, and I am not going to call it a "game preview" because the only game-specific item that is truly newsworthy is Matt Cassel's banged up ribs. Therefore, these are just a few ridiculous tidbits I would like to see come true this 2011 season for the Buffalo Bills In particular order:

1. Marcell Dareus needs his nickname changed to "Biggie Smalls". It may possibly be because I started work back in Brooklyn this week. It could also be that three straight Biggie songs came on my iPod during a run last night while getting a high five from someone who saw my Bills hat. But, really it is because the guy is HUGE but still moves with the agility of a smaller guy, say a free safety or Aaron Maybin circa 2007. I like his current nickname, "Crimson Elephant". It is a cool handle that suits Dareus just fine. But imagine you are sitting in the Ralph, and every time he records a sack or makes a big play, this comes on the JumboTron:

YES! I'm picturing the crowd singing along to "Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see" right now. I love it and this needs to happen. I'm making a phone call. I'm awesome.

2. Marcus Easley, Donald Jones, or David Nelson blow up for at least 50 catches and 6 TD's. This one has potential, so stop laughing and here me out. Last year NOBODY expected Stevie Johnson to blow up like he did, and contrary to the idea that Lee Evans getting double teamed is what freed him up, go back and watch the second half of the year when Evans was either hurt or being covered by the opposing team's nickel back the entire game. Johnson has made himself a legitimate threat to other defenses, and who's to say that teams won't double team the shit out of him this season. Open door for one of the young fellas above. I'm not sure which one will be the break out star, but don't be surprised when one of them becomes a great fantasy football pick-up.

I should also mention that with the Amish Rifle throwing the ball, ANYBODY could see their numbers shoot up. Love him or hate him, Fitzy is the new Sexy Rexy. "Fuck it, I'm throwing long".

3. Terrence McGee will have a bounce back year and reestablish himself as the team's top corner. Crazier things have happened, and with all the off-season chatter about his nagging injuries and rising age, I could see him running wild this year. Chances are slim, but I have always like McGee and I would love to see him return to old form. Speaking of old form....

4. The Bills sign free agent Pat Williams to back-up Kyle Williams the rest of the year. That is all. And yes, you can insert your own Ted Washington joke here.

5. Finally, I pray that C.J. Spiller does something for this squad. Outside of week 3 against New England, Spiller was non-existent. If this organization truly wants me to believe in Buddy Nix and Chan Gailey, then last year's first round pick needs to be bust-free. After Buffalo traded my boy Marshawn (by the way, that chick deserved it, she wasn't watching where she was going), I was pretty upset, but if anyone can make me forget about him, then it's C.J. The kid has talent and is ridiculously explosive, it all comes down to how you use it. Let's pray he is more Chris Johnson, and less Rashaan Salaam.

Enjoy the game on Sunday everybody. The DGWU crew is heading to the Yachtsman's man-cave in Brooklyn as I attempt to speed home from Happy Valley Sunday morning after PSU-Bama. If you are new to NYC and have no place to watch, head to McFadden's on 42nd and 2nd to enjoy one of the reasons I stayed a "New" New Yorker. Look for a really tall guy named Matt and tell him the Scizz sent ya. Oh...and get really drunk and make bad decisions too. That's usually the best part. HEY HEY HEY HEY!!!!! LET'S GO BUFFALO!!!

And follow all of Dear God Why Us Sports:

The Barrister

It's been quiet here of late.  The Scizz, typically dependable for frequent musings on the trashy side of sports and entertainment, was on vacation last week and into this one.  He's truly blessed with good luck, as he'll get the chance to be hit by Irene twice as a result of these travels.  Good job, buddy.  Serves you right for your hiatus.  

I, too, have been quiet, as I was forced into submission - finally - by the needs of my first trial this past week. I had the urge to write Tuesday night, inspired by the bizarre events of that afternoon... dramatically giving my closing argument only to feel the earth shake below us minutes later, leaving me with a lingering sense of wonder at how we, as people, choose to live our lives when confronted with a daily threat of diaster - both by acts of man and God (if you believe in that sort of thing...which I do sometimes, depening on the day).  Without going into the entirety of those thoughts I was having after the quake while waiting for the jury to render its verdict, I do think it bears mentioning that it is truly something special that we so routinely choose to seek out shared moments of joy and hope through sport, even when a life of self-preservation above all else might be the smarter move.  Smart we are not, but committed to seeking joy we always are. 

In any event, the trial is now over and, victory in hand, I have opted to take today off and be productive with non-work-related things, including ending DGWU's lull in content.  And, as New York City and the Atlantic Coast prepare for what may be one of the worst storms to hit this area in the past 50 years, Mother Nature provides a suitable theme to at least focus some of the thoughts going through my head as we enter the weekend.

Of course, I'll be talking about our Buffalo Bills.

I start with the news about Freddie Jackson. CHAN! BUDDY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?? I mean, Jesus H. Christ, I could not be more confused about the decisions coming out of the Buffalo Bills management and coaching staff these days.  The season hasn't even started - a season no one expects to be successful anyway - and Chan, et al. have already gotten a full roster and full fanbase scratching their heads or worse.  Reports this week that Freddie is uphappy and uncertain about his role, about his desire for a trade. Un-fucking-real.

“I feel like a No. 1 back, and I should be treated like one. As far as what’s going on, you would have to ask them. I’m going to come out here and compete. I feel like I have been competing. I feel like I have done everything I can. It’s been like that for two or three years, and nothing has changed.”

Freddie, you're right.  Nothing has changed.  Same old hapless Bills.  Why would any of us excpect talent and productivity to be fairly and objectively evaluated? (Though, to be fair, Freddie's a #1 back on a shit football team. He's being treated like a #1 back on a shit football team, and that's part of the problem...but, I digress).

Listen, I get that CJ Spiller needs touches in preseason.  In fact, I think it's completely appropriate that he gets most of the touches during preseason, because he needs some work.  Everytime I see him run the ball, it's a disaster, and I figure it has to get better with work, right? But, with all that being the case, how is it that Chan hasn't made it abundantly clear to Freddie that he's the #1 RB? How is it that Tim Graham from the Buffalo News has heard that it's Spiller's job to lose? WTFFFFF.  Even if CJ has a great preseason - which has already been shown not to be the case - the changing of the guard can't happen until he shows it during real games, and until that happens Freddie has to be your guy.  He's been one of the only bright spots on this team over the past couple years, not to mention that he's a fan favorite and is one of the hardest working guys on the team.  He has earned everything he's gotten in the league including the respect of everyone in that locker room - I mean, hell, I feel like I'm in crazy town that I even have to write this.  Think back to those off-season, player-run workouts.  Fredie was there, CJ was not.  THAT MATTERS.  If CJ is the future, fine, no argument.  But why put the cart before the horse? Why not, at a mimimum, promise Freddie equal touches going into the season, as so many teams are successfully using multiple backs on individual Sundays these days?

This is turning into a serious morale issue, and it just shouldn't be.  The only thing the Bills ever have to bank on is that they're underdogs who, despite being so overmatched in talent and skill, want it more than their opponent.  With these reports coming out of camp, it looks like Chan might be losing that x-factor as well. 

Contibuting to this is the fact that it comes on the heels of Lee Evans's trade to the Ravens.  Honestly, I didn't mind this deal when it came down a couple weeks ago - Evans was barely productive last year and, while he was an asset in terms of drawing double coverage, I wanted to believe that this reason was not enough to keep him.  However, after seeing the shit with Freddie this week, and after seeing Evans tear up the secondary in the Ravens' latest preseason game, my gut is telling me that Evans wasn't useless, he just wasn't being used.  An under-utilized talent on the field, probably due in large part to the chemistry that Fitzpatrick and Stevie Johnson had developed in their second team roles on the practice squad, it may soon become apparent that the issue with Evans was not his waning effecitiveness on the field, but the Bills' waning effectiveness in getting him the goddamn ball.  If Evans has a decent year - 10 touchdowns, say - it will prove what the rest of the league knows about Buffalo...that this Bills team is an embarassment.  And, as soon as that happens, the players in the locker room will start to feel it, too.  What we all want to be a two or three year project will get extended yet again, and we may not see a playoff team for five years or more.

Like many Bills fans, I was really looking forward to this season.  I liked what Chan Gailey did last year, and I thought the team had a pretty good draft.  Things were looking up.  These days, though, I'm yearning for those days of locked out football when we didn't have to dread another season of embarassment for our team, our fanbase and our City.

Let's Go Buffalo?