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“You can call me Susan if it makes you happy” - Your Week 7 Bills Preview - Bills "at" Jaguars

10/23/2015

The Scizz

Greetings and Salutations Berls fans! After a three week hiatus from the Bills previews I have returned more confused than ever! What is this team? To me right now, they seem like another 8 – 8 team that will show a glimmer of hope here and there, juuuuuuuust enough to keep us invested, yet ultimately breaking our hearts. Same old song.
It’s been an early season of “What If’s?” all around. What if Buffalo had all their weapons like Sammy, Shady, and Los Williams for every game? What if Tyrod was able to go last week? What if the offensive line could learn how to play football? What if defensive “genius” Rex Ryan sent his front four to destroy the QB more often? (Which any human with even a minuscule knowledge of football knows should be happening by the way.) Hell, what if Fred Jackson was never relea….GOTCHA!

What this all leads back to is that the one game I was the most confident about winning this season, now seems like it has the potential of a disappointment akin to last year’s loss to the Raiders. How has this happened? I have no real answers, but what I can say is that I don’t give a fuck how they do it, but they need to win Sunday morning in London. Maybe they need to sign Bullet Tooth Tony to start shooting players in the knee caps during warm ups. I’m just spit balling here.

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I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call 'very, very small'. So small, it could not possibly have made off with the whole leg. - A Week 6 Recap - Bills vs. Bengals

10/20/2015

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The Barrister

Anything. Write any fucking thing about this team

Most words about this squad, right now, bum me out. Not because the team isn't fun or pretty good or promising. The team is all those things. Yet it is impossible to love with any semblance of sincerity. It is entirely too racked with frustrating moments and massive disappointments. It is a franchise, in no small measure, that will bite your fucking leg off as you sleep, leaving you to wake with an unshakable disbelief that no fucking way is it possible that they've duped us once again.

To be a sports fan is to be a sucker. A patsy. A fool unable to see or feel the hand in your back pocket as you are distracted by some shiny promise purposefully set in front of you so you don't notice what's happening behind. Incidentally, this is what I learned from the 10 minutes of the classic Will Smith film Focus I watched the other night. Figured snagging one metaphor for the pointless existence of my life as a fan was enough of that awful awful fucking movie.

Of course, sometimes it's not that at all. Apologist texted me sometime Sunday night / yesterday morning (unable to check my phone which is FUCKING SIX INCHES FROM ME HASHTAG LAZINESS HASHTAG FAT) and said "just write the Bills recap like you're talking about the Mets." Man, is that a difficult ask. Conflating the most joyous part of my sports-watching life with the most milquetoast is not an exercise I want to get to. Nevertheless, the suggestion illustrates a crucial point - sometimes we aren't asked to be patsies, we aren't asked to fork over our money and time and devotion in exchange for absolutely no return into our existential personal cash register of feelings. Sometimes we give all those things and get back something substantial, a series of unforgettable moments paired with actual, real, visible success. Sometimes we get a return on our investment that isn't the result of our rationalization; isn't a construction of our eager need to turn force a shit sandwich down our throats so that we might be able to salvage some pride. Sometimes teams give you enough actual victories that you aren't lining up to the lunch counter at Eataly or some such nonsense place for a helping of moral ones.

Obviously, we can't tell at the outset whether we'll be rewarded for our enthusiasm and optimism or whether we'll be left to make what we can out of an awful sports product.

The Bills, our Bills, make it pretty easy to bet on the inevitability of failure. Luckily, it's all second nature at this point, so I'm not about to let these assholes strip away the fun this year ... I've gotten pretty good at making do.

Let's recap this turd burger and then talk about beer and stuff:

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Guys I Blacked Out There For a Minute, What the Shit Just Happened - Bills/Bears - A Week 1 Recap Boner

9/7/2014

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The Barrister

I just woke up. I remember something about Hoboken, a vagrant with a speech impediment and a Bills hat signed by Andre Reed, laughing at the bar as I came to terms with the supposed inevitability of a Bills loss, some masters of Dutch treats, Strongbow on tap, and friendship. The internet tells me that the Bills won a football game, but let's be real y'all ... that kind of nonsense fucks with our narrative and we all know that shit can't happen. Our narrative is sacrosanct. Our narrative is untouchable. It is rationally-developed and rock solid. Immovable. A thing with which one cannot, by definition, fuck.

Well, shit on a shingle, friends. Apparently pigs do fly.

"Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks" - Saint Doug

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Pivot.

12/2/2013

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The Barrister

I don’t know if this is going to be my last Bills post of the season. Last night, full of such familiar rage after such a familiar loss, I couldn't imagine concocting any more takes on a team that has so thoroughly shat on my heart now that the rest of the games matter only in some vague developmental-yet-still-really-meaningless-because-fuck-it-all-they-are-still-objectively terrible way. Having just finished this post, I'm still not sure.

5 Comments

Erik James tosses bullets, the defense makes little Geno look like the football equivalent of Gigli, and our Buffalo Bills do what they want for 60 minutes – a Bills/Jets Week 11 Recap

11/19/2013

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The Barrister

In the wake of such a joyous victory, it’s probably no surprise that it’s taken a little longer to get a recap up. Words are simply insufficient to express the happiness with which I take every step throughout the Tri-State knowing that my beloved squad has vanquished such an annoying and petulant team from the nether regions of Douchebagistan, New Jersey.

Either that, or the Apologist offered to do the recap and then got burnt out by over-thinking it and now I am diligently picking up his fucking predictable slack.

Hashtag friendship.

That really was a great game. The first of its kind this year: a convincing win by the Bills; the result never really in doubt beyond half time. Sure, many fans, including a few in my living room, expected the game to fall apart when the Jets finally put a touchdown on the board, but those efforts by Gangrene, excuse me Gang_Green, were woefully insufficient compared to the kind of day Buffalo was having. Fucking unreal, totally unexpected, and still has me tingling from head to toe a day and half later.

Bullet points await!!

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“That creep can roll, man. / Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude. / Yeah… / No. He's a sex offender. With a record.” - Bills/Steelers - Week 10

11/8/2013

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GET IT!? CUZ BIG BEN IS RAPEY!! #class

The Apologist

I can’t help thinking this is the most confident Bills fans have been with a losing record since #12 lined up under center. We’re all leery about feeling this way, but the fact of the matter is, against all logic and evidence, this season truly does feel different.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the entire league feels different. Peyton Manning & Wes Welker are teammates… in Denver. Rex Ryan has turned a buttfumble into a contract extension. The Patriots are beatable. The Chiefs are undefeated. The Raiders have a better record than the Giants AND the Steelers. And, hey, wait a second. So do we!

The Bills have remained competitive and even exciting with a depleted secondary, their best offensive weapon slowed by injury, and three different starting quarterbacks in the last five games. You have to tip your hat to Doug Marrone and his coaching staff. Sure, there have been questionable decisions made and somehow, 9 games in, he’s yet to win a challenge. But the attitude on the field feels different. Take the pick-6 on the goalline from last weekend. I’m not going to excuse it, but I will say that I love the guts of telling your untested, undrafted quarterback to make a hard throw in that situation. Sure, it walks the fine line between brave and foolish, but let’s be honest with each other. It was easier to get over a gutsy call on the 3rd & goal, than it would’ve been to watch another “try not to lose” approach we’ve seen over the last decade (3 straight runs for no gain and a field goal = Dick Jauron’s wet dream). And more importantly than all that is that he’s got the players believing in his plan. All you have to do is look at that same play. Tuel & Graham chased Sean Smith the entire length of the field knowing full well neither would catch him and all they were really accomplishing was tiring themselves out for the ensuing drive. But they weren’t going to give up on the play. No excuses. No quit. That’s the attitude Marrone has instilled so far. (His reaction to the play: “Situationally do you question the play call? No … Do you question the execution of it? Yes.”)

It’s far too soon to say whether or not this will translate to future success, but you can’t help feeling like little by little, the culture and expectation of failure that has been the foundation of this franchise for almost two decades is finally being chipped away and a new one is being built.

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I'll recap this shit a day or two late, whatever, it's going to be just fine. - A Bills/Bengals Joint

10/15/2013

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some things are inevitable

The Barrister

And so it fucking goes, like the sands of time through my asshole, these are the things we spend time doing on a Sunday afternoon, then rationalize away on Sunday night and into Monday morning.

"They really played pretty well and pushed a likely playoff team to the brink" or some such tweet, sent into the ether of our shared understanding that this still feels pretty shitty, however we opt to sugarcoat it. Hoping for motherfucking better days has never worked out quite as well as we've hoped, but still... admitting that the present, assured reality is a waste doesn't feel too good either.

Welp.

We buck the fuck up, as always, and raise a glass to the Bills in Week 6 ... pretty ok, great for a few brief seconds separated by really bad at times, but way more fun than any of us feared, and achieving that all for another week of football.

#blessed

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Whatever it was, it's fallen apart. Suddenly. Drastically.

10/7/2013

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The Barrister

It's hard to avoid the feeling as a Bills fans that we're watching, year after year, a series of experiments that inevitably go wrong. Combinations of personnel and plays and intangibles amongst players and coaches, mixed together with a seeming haphazard flair, accompanied by varying hints of optimism from fans and franchise alike. Never a true sense of "this is what it takes to win and we have it, let's all have fun," but instead "we think this might be the one, please trust us?" Frustration levels vary depending on what kind of fan you want to be from week to week or minute to minute, and what kind of team we happen to have in front of us every Sunday.

The Flutie years had fan optimism high, but franchise confidence was suddenly low and we got something else instead. Losman had fans and franchise on more similar planes, followed by Edwards and other guys I don't care to remember, and then a Harvard guy who looked to our layman eyes like a shit sandwich but who had been molded into a winner, briefly, by a coach with a charming, deceptive drawl.

We're duped because it's nearly impossible for us couch-dwellers, and seemingly for the "football guys" employed by Ralph "wears a gold-plated diaper" Wilson, to know the difference between Kurt Warner and Ryan Fitzpatrick until one of them is winning a goddamned Super Bowl. We're duped because believing we have Warner and not Fitz is a hell of a lot more fun than the other way around.

And then there is this season, with this coach and this QB, and it was both different and the same for each of us watching it all unfold. The franchise seemed both progressive and consistent with it's prior, terrible versions... a new system with new rules and new aggression; an old system with phenomenal players left behind, uncompensated by the franchise they've sweat and bled for, with fans like myself bounding across social media, rationalizing the decision to let uncommon Buffalo Bills talent walk away from the Sisyphean challenge of getting this fucking thing right.

And then there is this season, with the promises and renewed sense of purpose; the stunning efforts and sharp growing pains; the rising legend of new powers on defense; the quarterback who has left games with more of our love and hope, the benefit of the doubt held firmly in his poised grasp.

And then there is this season, with growing hope following a great win against Baltimore, followed suddenly and cruelly by a moment so predictable, we couldn't believe it...

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“What do you say we cut the chitchat… A-HOLE!” - Bills/Browns - Week 5

10/3/2013

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During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....

As much as my wife is going to be disappointed in me using a quote from The Rock and not Con Air, this line seemed very appropriate to me. For some reason, Buffalo and Cleveland have this weird sadness bond that join them together. We have "No Goal", they have "The Decision". We have two continuously failing franchises, they have three continuously failing franchises. They have the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame, we have....we have....uh.....the Skyway? Ah fuck it, you get the point. Both cities have had their fair share of the sadz, but I don't always understand why we are all buddy-buddy. In fact, I say fuck Cleveland. Fuck them in their Bernie Kosar loving asses. I'm not exactly sure why I'm deciding to hate them so much right now, but I'm going with a mixture of the obese assholes in the Dogg Pound (Daz Dillinger you are not), the awful outcome of the last several Bills/Browns game, and of course, Ted Mosby. Dear God how I hate Ted Mosby.

Short week, short preview. Jump on the Cleveland hate wagon with me, won't you?

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I think I have Kennel Cough and I'm dying.

9/26/2013

1 Comment

Hey there gang, The Commander here...been a little while. I figured I’d stop playing GTA5 for a few minutes and drop some HOT SPORTS TAKES so that I don’t get fired. I think my SO brought Parvo home from school, so I’ve been downing DayQuil and Cold-EEZE like they were M&M’s. So I apologize in advance if this jumps around a lot, and it probably will. Think of this like me ripping off Bill Simmons or Larry King and just tossing some random shit out there. I’ve got a Sabres preview for you next week, and a few other things I’ve been working on for the NHL season, so stay tuned for that.

I’m primarily a hockey guy, so I’ve been hibernating for the summer, watching my lawn die because it hasn’t rained near me since April or something. Having a lawn in California is surprisingly rare. Most of the houses on our street have rock gardens and shit. I completely understand why now. One day I’m going to flick a cigarette butt somewhere and burn down about 15 homes.

My bad...

I hope everyone’s enjoying the EJ Manuel experience so far. I’m holding off judgment on him as a player because Nate Hackett calls an offense like a 15 year old calls a game of Madden. The fact that there’s so little play action and there seems to be two total running plays in the playbook makes me think they aren’t doing all they can to make him successful. The tools are there for sure though. At the very least, I don’t get the “OH FUCK NOOOOOOOOO!” feeling whenever he drops back to pass, which in terms of Bills quarterbacks is a massive improvement. The poor kid isn’t even going to be able to take a piss without having 50 armchair assholes critiquing it, so sit back and hope for the best.

One thing you don’t realize when you’re finally taking that big step and moving in with your SO, if they get sick you are absolutely fucking doomed. You’re going to get sick too. You share fucking everything…plates, cups, beds, furniture. Even if you pretend cooties still exist and girls are icky like you’re back in 3rd grade, you are absolutely going to catch whatever it is they have. My head hit the pillow the first day she was sick cursing her entire family and everything she stands for.

What are people going to do when they realize Zemgus Girgensons is European?? Are heads going to explode like that Scanners scene?

This is so Larry King so far that there should be an ad for Welch’s Grape Juice in it. I almost hate myself.

This is the dude who runs the Sabres social media footprint. Really explains everything about that organization doesn’t it?? I’m sure he’s a nice guy. I stopped following him on Twitter because he was Tweeting love letters at Sarah Palin. That photograph haunts my dreams. I’m sure it was taken after bodies were buried in the woods behind him. He has a very "I own Old Navy Fleece's in ALL THE FUCKING DIFFERENT COLORS BABY, YOLO!!!" feel about him.

Also he sucks at his job.

Did you guys know that Steve Ott is a bad hockey player?? Good hitter, good on faceoffs – sure. Positionally the guy is a fucking train-wreck. He leaves his guy to take stupid runs at people constantly. Also he had the worst possession numbers for a forward in the NHL last year. Oh and he takes dumb penalties too. I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD DON’T YOU DARE PUT THE “C” ON THIS FUCKSTICK’S CHEST RON.

I’d buy everyone on the Bills a mini-fridge and some time at the shooting range if they were all as good as Mario Williams is. Don’t listen to the racist media shitdicks who have an agenda to push…watch how many times a game the dude is blatantly held or double teamed because HE’S THAT FUCKING GOOD.

Do yourself a favor and DO NOT drop $60 on EA’s latest NHL effort. I buy the thing every year. I make up reasons to love it every year. I fanboy for the fucking game every year. So for me to say this, there’s REALLY gotta be some shit wrong with it. Basically, only about 30% of my online games even get a connection, and when they do it’s a coin flip to see if the connection lasts for 3 periods. Also, if you use one of the features in the game (custom soundtracks), it locks up your entire Xbox. Excellent work EA. It’s not even a $60 roster update because the rosters are from before free agency.

Do yourself a favor and ABSOLUTELY drop $60 on Grand Theft Auto V. The story is fantastic, the game is beautiful, the missions are fun and the characters are well written. I’ve gotten my $60 out of it already, and oh by the way they’re adding online multi-player on October 1st. That’s right, you can get a group of friends and rob banks, people, hookers and all kinds of shit. $60 is going to seem like a bargain by Xmas.

When you’re reading about all this FIGHTING IS BAD IN THE NHL AND BAN FIGHTING BECAUSE HEAD INJURIES, you should know that a long time ago fighting in the NHL was cool and served a purpose. This was before the 2006 Playoffs so many people probably aren’t aware of it. John Scott has a role on this team, and I’ll get into that more in my preview.

You should be excited about the long-term prospects of the Sabres. These kids who are coming up are legit and this team will be good again sooner rather than later. Even if Grigorenko busts out like many already think he has (because you’re stupid) – there’s plenty to like about the core of this team 3 years from now.

And mostly because Lindy Ruff isn’t around to fuck it up.

- You can follow me on Twitter at @essbeeay

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“You can call me Susan if it makes you happy” - Your Week 7 Bills Preview - Bills "at" Jaguars

I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call 'very, very small'. So small, it could not possibly have made off with the whole leg. - A Week 6 Recap - Bills vs. Bengals

Guys I Blacked Out There For a Minute, What the Shit Just Happened - Bills/Bears - A Week 1 Recap Boner

Pivot.

Erik James tosses bullets, the defense makes little Geno look like the football equivalent of Gigli, and our Buffalo Bills do what they want for 60 minutes – a Bills/Jets Week 11 Recap

“That creep can roll, man. / Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude. / Yeah… / No. He's a sex offender. With a record.” - Bills/Steelers - Week 10

I'll recap this shit a day or two late, whatever, it's going to be just fine. - A Bills/Bengals Joint

Whatever it was, it's fallen apart. Suddenly. Drastically.

“What do you say we cut the chitchat… A-HOLE!” - Bills/Browns - Week 5

I think I have Kennel Cough and I'm dying.

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