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"Hold on to your butts" - Your Week 3 Bills Preview. Buffalo at Miami.

9/26/2015

The Scizz

First off, I’ve avoided much of twitter and football all week, so this week will be a very abbreviated version of my preview. But Speedz and Greasico will be dropping their weekly knowledge as is. Now back to the Bills….

Last week sucked. There is no other way around it. The team and fans have now been forced back down to Earth, as Brady has torn apart our heart and souls once again. Part of me is beyond disappointed, but the other part is just happy its over and looking to see what happens this week. If anything, how they play Sunday against the Phins will be a great show of what to really expect from here on out, especially after the Jets dismantling of the Colts. So hold onto your butts and let’s take this ride together.

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"There's No Place Like Home" - Your Week 1 Bills Preview. Indianapolis at Buffalo

9/11/2015

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Stay Calm readers! Your eyes do not deceive you!

FINALLY, The Scizz has COME BACK to DGWU Sports!

That’s right, your not so favorite, foul mouthed asshat of an internet troll has returned to do the 2015 Buffalo Bills game previews. Why you may ask? Well several reasons actually. First of all, the Bills offseason has just simply been too momentous for me not to get involved in the upcoming season. Sure, it could all burn down in a giant tragedy the likes of which nobody has seen since the stupid ass hick Bass Pro Shop fell through on the waterfront, but HEY, we got Rex, and Sammy, and TyGod, and the D-Line, and Shady, and Percy, and AND SOME GUY NAMED MATTHEW MULLIGAN! Get excited.

Second of all, the Barrister has been begging me to write something for over a year now and I like to make my little buddy happy (full disclosure he is larger than me and could crush me Of Mice and Men Style). So here I am Barrister, writing a flaming pile of crap on a shitty work laptop. You asked for it.

And finally, dare I say I miss it a little. Twitter and the blogosphere can really become exhausting, but in small doses I’ve been much better at handling the ins and outs of miserable pricks who complain about everything, fat assholes who always think they know more than you, and political jibber jabber that makes my eyes bleed. Also, I just used the term “jibber jabber”.

This year instead of picking one movie to use a quote for the title of each week’s preview, I’m going to ask twitter which one to use and take the best one. Try to keep it on theme week to week you creeps.

So let’s get started, shall we?

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"Nancy, I'm not a doctor, but it's got no pulse, it's not breathing and it's cold as a Popsicle. Believe me, honey, whatever he is, he's definitely dead!" - Bills/Bengals - Week 6

10/11/2013

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Scizz usually does these. I'm filling in again because the asshole is traveling out to Happy Valley to watch the Nittany Lions get eaten alive by the eminently more powerful Wolverines. We hope he has fun and drinks as much as is humanly possible and doesn't start picking fights with strangers. Oh to dream.

The Barrister

The Buffalo Bills are a car and we fans are a giant, hairy beast that got hit by the car and taken into captivity only to be tricked into loving it there despite the fact that he had complete freedom before being run over and was probably fucking mad hairy beetches in the woods.

Wait, no.

The Buffalo Bills are the hairy beast, living blissfully in the forest until the NFL drives into it, ceasing the beast's existence in the naive world of the woods, replacing said existence with the harsh reality of (1) people knowing it exists, (2) people knowing it's head would look good stuffed and mounted on a wall, and (3) people wanting to shoot it in the kidneys (does Harry have kidneys?) at the earliest possible moment. In this scenario, we are the Hendersons, except the only way we know to protect the beast is with some stupid fucking hashtags like #TheLegendOfKikoAlonso, #RockTheRalph, #LeadTheCharge or some other such bullshit.

And the role of John Lithgow's character in this morality play goes to The Outlander because of the hair thing.

These Bills went from "ok, let's go" to "Jesus H. this is not good, let's go home" in the blink of an EJ Manuel trying to get an extra couple yards and being a big fucking idiot. This subject has not been discussed enough. You make us love you, Erik James, and then you prove to be a stupid kid. I know you're a kid, but I really don't care. That was unavoidably asinine. Step out of bounds, you prick. Because of you I can't justify going to bars for games anymore this season and soon I'll probably have to go shopping with my wife on Sundays since she'll inevitably use her crazy lady mind powers to discover what I already know... this season is a goddamned waste.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

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“What do you say we cut the chitchat… A-HOLE!” - Bills/Browns - Week 5

10/3/2013

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During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....

As much as my wife is going to be disappointed in me using a quote from The Rock and not Con Air, this line seemed very appropriate to me. For some reason, Buffalo and Cleveland have this weird sadness bond that join them together. We have "No Goal", they have "The Decision". We have two continuously failing franchises, they have three continuously failing franchises. They have the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame, we have....we have....uh.....the Skyway? Ah fuck it, you get the point. Both cities have had their fair share of the sadz, but I don't always understand why we are all buddy-buddy. In fact, I say fuck Cleveland. Fuck them in their Bernie Kosar loving asses. I'm not exactly sure why I'm deciding to hate them so much right now, but I'm going with a mixture of the obese assholes in the Dogg Pound (Daz Dillinger you are not), the awful outcome of the last several Bills/Browns game, and of course, Ted Mosby. Dear God how I hate Ted Mosby.

Short week, short preview. Jump on the Cleveland hate wagon with me, won't you?

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"Hold on to your butts" - Your Week 3 Bills Preview. Buffalo at Miami.

"There's No Place Like Home" - Your Week 1 Bills Preview. Indianapolis at Buffalo

"Nancy, I'm not a doctor, but it's got no pulse, it's not breathing and it's cold as a Popsicle. Believe me, honey, whatever he is, he's definitely dead!" - Bills/Bengals - Week 6

“What do you say we cut the chitchat… A-HOLE!” - Bills/Browns - Week 5

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