Category: NHL

The DGWUS CrapTastCast - Episode 37: Rollbacks. America. Reality., feat. guest Colin Bruckel from The Hosers.

10/19/2012

Checking out Jeremy White's twitter feed. Considering just quitting.

The Deeg

What a busy week it has been at DGWU Sports! Between news of the NHL Lockout and our battles with the various personalities at WGR for refusing, as is their custom, to engage with viewpoints other than (a) their own, or (b) those of the mouthbreathers who call into WGR and make it their mission to express their vehement disdain for everything in the world, there was a LOT to discuss when we gathered Wednesday night. More shots were fired and kindling put onto the world of Buffalo sports media so that we can continue to watch it burn. Heh. Sports.

Oh, and there are those Buffalo Bills, too, which is actually where we started in segment one as we recapped the shit show that was Sunday with the Deeg. Bills @ Cardinals was by no means an enjoyable time, but recapping the fun times we had and the trainwreck of a game ended up being pretty fun/depressing/rage-inducing.

In segment two we welcomed Colin Bruckel, one of the founders of TheHosers.com, a site we have linked to for a while and which provides stellar insight about the legal issues surrounding professional hockey and, in particular, the CBA. Colin's assessment of the current CBA negotiations was as interesting and well-presented as any I've heard, and it is an understatement to say that we were lucky to have him on. I would note, however, that since our discussion took place before the NHLPA presented its own offers to the league (and before Bettman rejected them immediately), you'll want to keep an eye on his site for more hot legal takes. Or you could continue being ignorant and just keep listening to the superficialities of sports talk radio.

Segment three brings it back to our wheelhouse of inappropriateness and ill-conceived sports takes as we talk the USMNT's win on Tuesday, the NBA's new policy restricting pre-game celebrations, Apologist's suicidal ideations following the Orioles' elimination from the playoffs, and our predictions for the Bills/Titans game this weekend. I must add that we had intended to talk more about (read: make fun of) Shawne Merriman's return to Buffalo, but had to toss that to the back burner so we'd have time to talk about the more pressing issues of gloating about our intellectual superiority over talk radio hosts. It's a burden, really. In any event, I'm hopeful that Merriman's second tenure in the 716 will give us plenty of opportunities to point and laugh.

Musical interludes this week are provided by Broken Bells, Gov't Mule & REO Speedwagon, as well as - of course - The Jambrones.

Download here and stream below, or check out our Libsyn page or iTunes button below where you can get all of our archived podcasts and subscribe for future hot, aural takes.

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A Rebuttal to The Niagara Falls Reporter

7/24/2012

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Bigot.

The Outlander

I had hoped I wasn’t going to have to address this, but I suppose I will.

Last week’s Niagara Falls Reporter piece by former alleged stalker and current bigot Lenny Palumbo managed to rightfully stir up enough voices around the internet locally and nationally to shout down and condemn the rantings of an angry white man who longs for the days where he could oppress others to placate his insecure and disturbed soul. It appeared to me that Palumbo and perhaps the Reporter itself was hoping for this type of reaction in the way the author tactlessly shoehorned anti-gay rhetoric into a meandering bitchfest about the Sabres - or at least the past roster - being pussies. Their latest issue has confirmed these suspicions as Palumbo doubles down on the hate and publisher Frank Parlato puts on his ten-gallon hat and climaxes to the image of a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag while reciting the first amendment at the top of his lungs. (Editor's Note: This is true, we have video) As a fellow proponent of the Constitution, I feel I’ll take a crack at exacting my right to free speech as well.

Lenny Palumbo is a piece of shit. He is weak, hateful, little man. As a man I am ashamed to share my gender with him and as a Western New Yorker I am ashamed to share my region with him. However, there is no changing these people. One thing about this region that so many hateful souls like Palumbo love is that they can completely wall themselves off from the world and live in their own version of 1950 where homosexuals are synonymous with “deviants” and minorities have to call every white man that addresses them “sir.”

(I will not stoop to Lenny’s level here and make assumptions that he is a racist. I will say that many of the people I have come across that hate gays also have no problem voicing their deep hate for anyone with a different skin tone than them.)

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Absence makes the heart... OH CRAP THE SEASON IS LOST

7/23/2012

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One of the many things I missed while I was out.

The Barrister

Cue the milquetoast opener:

Well gosh darnit, fans of the Deeg, I know you've been eagerly awaiting content from the Kings of Fresh Takes and like the degenerates we are, we've opted to tend to our real world lives instead of bloviating about the latest in bread and circus sports entertainment. Why the lull? Well, personally, my answer to that question has three parts: (1) it's July and I've been getting viciously hamzoed more often than I should admit (hooray anonymous internet monikers!!); (2) I've been traveling a lot over the past 10 days, aforementionedly (not a word?) drunk for 70% of it (not true... not not true either), and I've simply been too drunk and/or hungover and/or distracted to sit down for a little chat; and (3) the only bright spots in my sports world are a surging team in a still ignored league (for now) and an utterly unproven team in the best league in America (for now). Forgive me if I don't jump for joy at the prospect of dwelling on shit that makes me contemplate a swift union between my fist and Fred Wilpon's balls.

But more on those Mets in a few. I can't lead of this trainwreck with that much heartache.

Can't you tell this is going to be FUN??? I'm bored and drunk on a train and you all get the fruits of my labor!

Wait... we need music.

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Sweet, Sweet Relief

7/5/2012

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It's a celebration, bitches.

The Barrister

With Yachtsman covering the bases yesterday with his mouth diarrhea gem of a post, you'd think I would consider the Deeg's coverage of Derek Roy's departure from the Sabres complete. Nay, good sirs and ladies, for I am hungover at work and can't possibly be trusted with actual responsibilities but want to feel like I accomplished something today. Count yourselves lucky, trust me.

Besides, this is really the only topic I can blab on about, since I can't possibly write about Dickey after Yachtsman threw down the gauntlet on that topic. I'm nothing if not spiteful, even if it does necessitate rehashing a topic that has certainly received enough attention this week. (Sidebar: Yachtsman's joke about me asphyxiating myself while watching Mets' games was both hilarious and accurate in its own way. I'll leave it to you to decide which way that is.)

One of my favorite things to do lately is watch the fans of Sabreland trip over themselves in a fury of anger and resentment at Darcy Regier, fueling a prevailing wisdom that tells us that he's simply incapable of making this team better. So when free agency approached and people stomped their feet about the need for a big splash and their assumption that such would not come, it set the stage for another moment of shock as Darcy inevitably did something. Maybe not the big splash we had hoped for - and that we still hope for - but a move that is terribly satisfying to all but the most homer of Buffalo sports fans. With Derek Roy shipped out, we learned - yet again - to chill the fuck out and let things take their course, and to never trust anything Paul Hamilton says, even if it affirms our belief that Derek Roy is an overvalued hack just like, well, Paul Hamilton.

Entrenched analysts with zero credibility! #becauseitsbuffalo

Roy being traded to Dallas, and the Sabres picking up two - TWO! - players in return is yet another reminder that Darcy Regier is, when he wants to be, a straight up wizard in the player market. Does he drug opposing GMs? Did he replace 2011-12 game tape with archived footage of the point-per-game Derek Roy from 2010-11? Is Darcy actually competent - gasp! - when backed by ownership with the desire and bank roll to make a legitimate bid for a Stanley Cup? Moments like Monday, when our shared desire for change suddenly came to light, prove that Darcy might not be the ineffectual villain we sometimes make him out to be. As a basement-dwelling, venomous blogger, this is a sad realization, as it's certainly more fun and satisfying to throw everyone under the bus as I commiserate over failed season after failed season. So sad that many of our brethren are, after receiving the Roy trade they've so long pined for, right back at the work bench, writing off Darcy's career in Buffalo and calling this move - as is any move post-July 1, 2007 - too little, too late. For me, though, things are not so black and white.

Neither, to be fair, was it black and white that Roy needed to go. As much as we like to rag on him for his white suits and Kangol hats and mandles and propensity for sexual assault (maybe?), the guy was also a key cog in the successful times of the past decade, such as they were. There was a time, probably about a year ago, when I thought we were seeing Derek Roy turn a new leaf. His production in 2010-11 was impressive, even accounting for his limited availability due to injuries, and - unlike the skewed stats of some others on the team who had brief stretches of absurd production in the midst of utter mediocrity (*cough* *stafford* *cough*) - Roy was showing us something night in and night out. History of diving and half-assing it down the ice aside, I was hopeful. Shocker, I know, for the Viceroy of Hyperbole, but it honestly seemed like anything was possible in this new town of Pegulaville, even an apparent prima donna finally earning his fucking paycheck.

Your guess is as good as mine as to where that brief glimpse of quality went. Last year we had what was arguably the worst version of Roy. He wasn't just bad. We was invisible. With an "A" on his chest, he seemed to wilt as the team's #1 center following an off-season where so much hype surrounded whether we even had a #1 center. Speculation - my favorite! - is that he grew tired of Lindy Ruff and maybe tanked his play to ensure that long-rumored trade. If that's true - and who the fuck knows if it is or if Roy had just had enough of the poon down at SoHo - he may be a great player after all, but he's also the worst kind of shit head. Good fucking riddance.

Not our problem no more.

The obvious downside, to the extent I'm forced to concede any downside at losing a guy who seemingly exists only to take idiotic penalties and show off his sweet dangles, bro, is that we just lost our best center. This, as we know, is sad on multiple levels, not the lest of which is that our "best" center licked donkey balls like it was going out style. (Sidebar: donkey ball licking NEVER goes out of style. Just ask Aps. BURN!). Left to fill Roy's underachieving skates, then, are a bunch of centers who are young and/or unproven and/or apparently talent-less and/or already scared of Lindy. Not the greatest back-up plan. Though, if you want to be positive about a roster of players who missed the Stanley Cup playoffs again or who played on an Amerks team that got straight-up owned in the first round of the Calder Cup playoffs, I can accept that. I do hope, though, that you think before you open your mouth, because there's a fair chance you're a moron.

Of course, Roy's departure wasn't just about getting rid of our favorite whipping boy. Steve Ott, the returning player in the Roy trade, adds a lot of good things to the roster. He's a decent point producer for a player who fills the role of "grinder" - certainly better than Paul Gaustad for the same price, basically - and if you credit his WGR interview from Tuesday morning, he's pumped to be coming to Buffalo. (Suck on THAT, Dallas, what with your championships and gorgeous cheerleaders and oil money and... FUCK). Of course, no one has any clue whether Ott will perform well in Buffalo or whether we'll have another severe drop-off in play like some of the other recent acquisitions post-Pegula. If nothing else, though, even if he's not the answer to the Sabres dysfunctional roster and even if he never contributes half as much as Roy did, I'd prefer to have someone who actually wants to play as a Sabre than one who consistently demonstrated that he could just as easily quit in favor a long-overdue career as a hand model.

As for the other new faces on the roster (for now) - Adam Pardy, John Scott and, just this afternoon, Kevin Porter - the untrustworthy prevailing wisdom is that none of them are really fit to be a consistent presence on an NHL team. Porter, from what I've read in the 15 minutes since the news of his signing broke, won the Hobey Baker back in 2008 and has had only marginal success since he entered the league. John Scott, to his credit, is rumored to eat children and make Boston Bruins pee their pants, so I can't really see any downside at $600,000. And Adam Pardy, well ... he's pretty big and pretty tall and probably plays defense better than Mike Weber, so I'm ok with that as well. Worst case, they all get to have their pictures taken in the Andrew Peters Memorial Pressbox, right? (Sidebar: "Memorial" in reference to Peters' upside, which perished sometime in 2006; happily, Andy Bear the man is still alive and well).

Fact is, the Sabres probably aren't done, especially since so many people probably suspect that they are, and no matter if they're done or not, the roster is still filled with so many head cases that are being ruined by Lindy Ruff that none of it will matter and the team will flame out to another 10th place finish come April, 2013.

Or, that's at least what we'll keep telling ourselves, right?

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Adventures in Journalism!

5/29/2012

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Professional Blowhard

The Barrister

It sure has been a while since I dusted off my gloves and took the media to task for its latest absurdity in the sports world. Sometimes, these venomous hit jobs are directed at The Network - an easy enough target, what with the willingness to sit on apparent evidence of child molestation at Syracuse, only to run the story without even giving the authorities the opportunity to vet that evidence and find that, in sum, it was demonstrably false. And sometimes, these hit jobs are directed at Buffalo sports media - also an easy target, what with the spelling errors, the apparent desire to merely yuk it up with a failing, entrenched hockey coach and the pathetic derision of a blogger community which has arguably provided better and more insightful sports analysis over the past couple years. (Not here at the Deeg, of course. We are more than happy to be the slime scraped out of the bottom of the barrel, presented as food for your more carnal cravings. It's what we do.)

One of the things I've noticed about Buffalo sports fans is that they can tend to believe that their town is getting jobbed at every opportunity. It's certainly no surprise, given the history, but it can leave people with a lingering sense that, in essence, whatever we get in Buffalo is a class below what everyone else gets in other cities. Sports teams? Inferior from top to bottom. Local theater and music? Undeveloped and of poor quality. Government? Corrupt and ineffective in a way unseen throughout America. Schools? Underfunded and forgotten. Cheerleaders? Sixes instead of tens. (This one may be right).

Some of this is true. In many ways, other cities do have it better. In a lot of ways, though, Buffalo has the exact same problems as other cities, but has convinced itself that the grass is greener in New York City, in Boston, in D.C., in Philly. I've found this to be especially true when it comes to how we digest our local sports media in Western New York. There always seems to be a lingering sense that Bucky and Harrington and Hamilton and Sully are on a lower tier than the guys who cover sports in the big markets. With the internet, though, we can verify that this is simply not true, and never was this more apparent to me than during the post-game presser following last Friday's Rangers-Devils Game 6.

Dear God, it was brutal.

So, in keeping with the overlap between "media hit piece" and "mailing it in," here is the transcript of the questions asked to Rangers coach John Tortorella following Game 6. My thoughts are in italics.

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Infinite Sadness - Early Summer Laments

5/25/2012

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Sad. And adorable.

The Barrister & The Scizz

It was a rainy, misty, shitty day in New York City on Thursday. The perfect setting for our second installment of Infinite Sadness, one of the peripheral cogs in the Deeg Podcast Industries. Scizz, still sitting in the solitude of his sobriety, and I, still sitting in my own sweat and overworked misery, got together via Skype to discuss some of the more recent sports news that makes us infinitely sad.

While the arc of our conversation is often tangential, we touch on the NHL playoffs and how it's been to watch hockey suddenly get big in the big market of NYC, and then have a reflective discussion on how unsurprised we are to see that the Buffalo Sabres have not invited us and our stockpile of dick jokes to attend next month's Blogger Summit. Hint: It's Scizz's fault. Second Hint: It's also Alex Sulzer's fault.

This was a ton of fun to make, as always, and includes musical interludes from Incubus, Ben Folds Five and Biggie Smalls. Enjoy by streaming or downloading below.

Cheers.

infinite_sadness_-_early_summer_laments.mp3
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The DGWU Sports CrapTastiCast - Episode 28: To the 5 Boroughs

5/9/2012

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The Barrister

This week, the CrapTastiCast pays tribute to Adam Yauch as The Scizz and I, along with friend of the Deeg Joe Pinzone, record the first virtual CrapTastiCast via Skype. We obviously miss having Apologist and Yachtsman along for the ride on the SS Disaster, but that won't stop us from bringing you another set of poorly thought-out analysis and ill-timed humor. Consistency.

We spend a lot of time discussing Fred Jackson and the future of the Bills backfield following his contract extension on Monday afternoon, as we all feel pretty good about the way One Bills Drive has been doing business this offseason. In segment three, we have a typically belated discussion of the Bills draft choices, including the intellectual superiority of Twitter and Tank Carder's wake surfing dog. And finally, in segment four, we talk playoffs - both NHL and NBA - and pick the teams we want to win and the teams we think will win the respective championships this spring.

As always, we lack focus and love tangents - even if Scizz isn't drinking this month (Weird, right??) - but do our best to keep on topic. All musical interludes are courtesy of the Beastie Boys, of course. Stream and download the MP3 with the trusty links below. (Or directly from our Libsyn site right here.)

Cheers.

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Sabres Start Free Agency With A Bang... Before It's Even Started

6/30/2011

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The Apologist

Let me get this out of the way right from the start. More than any of the members on our illustrious crew, I’m not smart enough to assess what Robyn Regehr and Christian Ehrhoff mean to this team on the ice, but I certainly know what it means for this franchise. The change that Pegula spoke of is not an illusion. And maybe, just maybe, Darcy Regier really has been shackled for all these years.

Management made it no secret heading into this off season that defenders and centers were their primary focus. But talk has become cheaper than a taco truck for Buffalo recently. These two moves by the Sabres, trades that heaped a considerable yet logical amount of new debt onto the payroll, show that rather than addressing needs by picking up bargain journeyman or overspending irrationally, the Sabres are ready to take drastic but calculated measures in their quest for a Cup. Regehr & Ehrhoff alone won’t get us there, but it’s a great start. Fans were already excited for July 1st. Now they’re planning parties.

The happiest teammate in all this must be ‘Captain America’, Ryan Miller. I’m sure he of all people has been annoyed at how little has been done to ensure that he is properly protected. Drafting Myers and McNabb is great, but to truly assist Miller and the rest of the team’s run at glory, the Sabres’ front office needed to make moves like these.

But not only have these moves improved the Sabres for next season, they also help the Sabres’ chances at signing the free agent of their (and our) dreams. Before the free agent period has even started, Pegula & Co. have made major, bona fide deals, announcing to the NHL (and more importantly, Brad Richards) once and for all that when Terry said he wanted to build a Stanley Cup winner, he meant just that. The leash seems to be off Regier and he has not wasted any time. So if you were a free agent looking for a team on the rise, perhaps Buffalo is worth just as much of a look as anywhere else.

I don’t mean to belittle Buffalo when I say that. But we all know that when headline free agents have hit the market the past few years, we rarely bother holding our breath. By noon tomorrow, people may pass out. Rumors are already starting to trickle out on Twitter that Regier is ready to open the bidding with a 5-year, $50 million offer for Brad Richards, the jewel of 2011 free agency.

A little while back on our one-night-bender, I mean, NYC Sabres Summit, the DGWUS crew took an informal poll asking what Richards could mean for the team. Scizz & Yachter thought Richards could equal a Cup right away, while the Barrister & I believed more talent was needed to break through. But today, it’s hard to argue that signing a top-level center tomorrow wouldn’t be enough to throw our hat in with the other Stanley Cup contenders for next season.

Ok, so maybe it’s a little early to start booking hotel rooms near HSBC Arena next June, but this is about as exciting as Buffalo Sabres hockey can get outside of a rink.

In Terry We Trust.

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Realignment.

6/28/2011

3 Comments

The Yachtsman

DISCLAIMER: I TYPED A BOAT LOAD OF TEAM NAMES HERE AND SOME MAY HAVE BEEN LOST BECAUSE WE ARE TOO POOR/LAZY TO AFFORD AN EDITOR/PROOFREAD. PLEASE BEAR WITH ME/US. THANK YOU/THEM. I'LL STOP WITH THE SLASHES NOW/FAIL.

Of the many horrors Commissioner No Goal has brought upon the NHL in the last twenty years, the creation of the Eastern and Western Conferences sits steadfastly in the top 5...sandwiched somewhere betwixt The Phoenix Coyotes and the Versus Television Contract.

Hockey In The Desert.......totally worth saving!

I understand the need for Eastern and Western Conferences. With 23 American teams and 7 Canadian teams across four time zones, a geographic split among teams is unavoidable. However, now that No Goal's redistribution strategy is blowing up in his face, I think it's time to examine a) where the teams should be placed b) the nomenclature of said new structure and c) where we should have teams and their placement (not your typical realignment post...fooled you reader).

This picture eerily reminds me of Scizzer. I'll post whatever the hell I goddamn please, thanks.

First, we'll start with the Western Conference and its three divisions - The Pacific, The Northwest, and The Central. I would eliminate the three divisions and split the conference into two superdivisions along geographical lines. I'd rename the Conference the Clarence S. Campbell Conference, and the divisions would be the Gretzky Division and the Norris Division (sorry Conn Smythe, you already have the second most famous trophy named after you, relax). In fairness to everyone else, I would finally rename the Norris Trophy for the Best Defenseman to the Orr Trophy...because it's stupid to have a division AND an EOY trophy at the same time. DIGRESSING.....anyway, they would be comprised as follows:

Norris Division:
- Vancouver
- Edmonton
- Calgary
- Winnipeg
- Detroit
- Minnesota
- Chicago

Gretzky Division:
- San Jose
- Los Angeles
- Anaheim
- Colorado
- Phoenix
- Dallas
- St. Louis

As you can see, I've moved Columbus and Nashville into the eastern super-conference in the interests of keeping hockey viable in those parts (happy, 3rdManIn?!). The idea that most roadies for Columbus fans entail 10 PM starts is as ridiculous as putting two hockey teams in the State of Florida. So, forthwith...the Eastern Conference.

Ah old time east coast hockey...where they played on sawdust basketball courts in chicken coops, apparently. Tradition!

Appropriately, I've renamed the Eastern Conference the Prince of Wales Conference, as it should always be named. Seriously, why did you pander so hard to the image of the illiterate American, NHL? Did you think the average fan would be so confused by fancy names he or she would immediately click off the television? What the shit did you think was going to happen once said average fan ran into your obfuscated disciplinary policies and the thankfully ousted two-line pass?! ANYWHENCE. I digress. In keeping with the Campbell Conference mega-division idea, I've created two 8 team divisions, appropriately named the Beliveau Division (arguably the greatest player ever behind Gretzky, Lemieux, & Orr...and I'm not giving Lemieux shit while he's alive) & the Arbour Division (Al Arbour coached 1500 games, the Isles for 19 seasons, and won 4 straight cups....that is a ridiculous feat considering they are THE NEW YORK ISLANDERS). Without any further ado:

Beliveau Division:
- Montreal
- Ottawa
- Toronto
- Buffalo
- Boston
- Washington
- Carolina
- Columbus

Arbour Division:
- New York Islanders
- New York Rangers
- New Jersey
- Philadelphia
- Pittsburgh
- Nashville
- Tampa Bay
- Florida

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUT SOMEHOW THE SAME....

COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!

Here's where it gets tricky as shit. As you all know, I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to teams and where they're placed. I don't particularly believe in the Southern Strategy, and I certainly don't think Canada should be deprived of professional hockey if it demonstrates it can support it consistently. If anything can be learned from MLS, leagues should put teams where they'll thrive, not where owners and commissioners wish they would thrive. ANYWAY. Should the day come when Scotty Bowman manages to slay No Goal and order is restored to the Universe and a 1/2 hour ESPN Hockey Tonight gloriously boots Around The Horn off the airwaves forever, this is what the conferences should look like (I'm sorry, 3rdManIn):

Campbell Conference

Norris Division:
- Vancouver
- Edmonton
- Calgary
- Winnipeg
- Detroit
- Chicago
- Chicagoland (goodbye forever, Phoenix)

Gretzky Division:
- Minneapolis
- San Jose
- Los Angeles
- Anaheim
- Colorado
- Dallas
- St. Louis

I've eliminated the joke of a franchise currently crapping along in Phoenix and replaced it with a second franchise in North America's 4th largest metropolitan center. I've stayed away from hockey in the desert entirely, because I simply do not agree with the tremendous waste of energy it takes to run an ice hockey arena in 100+ degree heat 250 days a year....Las Vegas is a terrible idea, no matter how badly horny beat writers want to head there on assignment twice a year.

God this picture is just too good. Unfair? Yes. Priceless? Fuck and Yes.

ONWARD. So I've fudged a bit with the Campbell Conference, but I really started to get tricky with the Wales Conference. Here is my ideal version of the Prince of Wales Conference (if we're continuing ideal utopias, I'd also like to eliminate any mentions of Ryan Miller's pallatability, Tim Connolly's viability, and Derek Roy as a 1A...but I just don't have enough time)

Prince of Wales Conference:

Beliveau Division:
- Quebec (goodnight, Tampa...we barely cared)
- Montreal
- Ottawa
- Toronto Maple Leafs
- Toronto Marlboroughs (fuck you forever, Carolina!)
- Buffalo
- Boston
- Washington

Arbour Division:
- New York Islanders
- New York Rangers
- New Jersey
- Philadelphia
- Pittsburgh
- Nashville
- Columbus
- Kansas City (WHOA SEE WHAT I DID THERE!? MORE HOCKEY IN MIZZOU!??? CRAZY TALK. Also, hockey in Miami? Come on now.)

So there you have it. My realistic realignment and my ridiculous realignment (alliteration fail). In a perfect world, one would happen. However, I'll leave you with one last thought before you hit the video....I think the renaming of the Conferences/Divisions is far more important than where exactly each team ends up. Reaching back into hockey's past is what the majority of fans love about the game, from throwback jerseys to the Cup itself....hockey is about looking back AND looking forward. Somebody needs to slap that into No Goal's midget head. But for now...we wait...

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What Is And What Should Never Be

6/6/2011

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Sick Jersey. Sick Do-Cut. Sick Sideburns. Terrible Town.

The Yachtsman

What a lovely couple of weeks we've had in the world of "du Hockey". The Jets are back, the Thrash are out, and Gary Bettman is getting his Southern Strategy forced right back down his throat. I'm super pumped about these recent developments. Hopefully the end game is the return of The Whale.

Mother of Christ Google Images is the greatest thing since vaccinations and drinkable water.

Seriously though, a fairly major wrong has been righted with the return of The Moose (nee Jet). As you all know, I am a fairly elitist Northeastern Hockey Fan. My stripes are evident, and they are as follows:
- If a Canadian Team is in the Stanley Cup Finals, I will root for said team unless they are playing my beloved Buffalo Sabres
- If the area in which your hockey team competes professionally has no snow, you and all of your ilk are undeserving of a hockey team
- Canada is the Rightful Birthplace of Hockey, and the Northeast and the State of Minnesota are where Hockey went to High School & College, respectively (capital letters....clearly I struggle With Them)
- If you have a Southern Accent, no matter how much Hockey knowledge you possess (even if you have more than me), I will always snootily look down upon you with disdain
- Somewhere high in the Canadian Rockies, giant awesome defenseman are forged and I want my entire team's blueline to be stocked with them........always!

Kootenay Ice Captain Brayden McNabb receives the Chynoweth Cup, breaks WHL suit's hand in the process.

With these borderline Hockey racist guidelines in mind, I shall now decree what I believe to be the best and worst places for NHL Hockey (BLANKET STATEMENTS AND OPINIONS ARE MY SPECIALTY. CONTINUE READING FOR MYOPIC IDIOCY & AD HOMINEM ATTACKS ON VARIOUS MUNICIPALITIES):

1.) Portland, Oregon: How the shyte does Portland NOT have a team yet? Are we seriously bandying about Kansas City & Las Vegas before we even consider the Pacific North West? I don't care about "growing the sport", I care about the sport not being embarrassed on National Television by showing empty arenas like Carolina, Atlanta, & Florida (seriously, throw all the stats you want at me....those arenas are empty...always. Watch a game.) Hockey is a sport that appeals to a select few people. You need a combination of shitty weather, plenty of cold, and a population that's just odd enough (read: Canadian) to really support the shit out of the squad and make it successful. From what I've read and heard about Portland, and seen with the Timbers and the Blazers, Portland is the place to be for the NHL. I mean shit the biggest bar downtown is the Spirit of 77, the last time the Blazers won the title (begrudging hat tip to Bill Simmons the Sports Douche for that tidbit). Portland Blades? Portland Ice Loggers? Portland Axe Men? Portland Chainsaws? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

-1.) Sunrise, Florida: What does Sun do to Ice? Melts it. What does the State of Florida do to Professional Sports? Kills it. That simile (not the right word) is outlandishly stretched reasoning enough for me to confidently declare the Florida Panthers to be utterly useless in the NHL. They took a fairly stacked expansion squad to the finals in '96, and now nobody cares about them. Seriously, the only time you hear about the Panthers is when one of their rare good players is leaving in Free Agency/is on the trading block. Never do you hear "watch out for the Panthers!" If you do hear that, you are clearly in the wilderness and are in grave danger. FYI get the shit out of there before you are eaten.

That panther looks confused. Guarantee you someone is holding a giant slab of meat just off camera.

2.) Toronto, Ontario: BBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLASPPPPPPPHEMERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! Grow up, kids. This shit isn't about growing the sport or yankee fan bases anymore. With the new CBA, this is about everyone generating as much revenue as they possibly can and sharing it amongst themselves to make Hockey viable. This isn't a long play for the league, this is the only play. Everyone has to make money.......yesterday. Quickest way to do that is put another squad in Metro Toronto. The Leafs have been ABHORRENT this decade, yet they still have a 17+ year waiting list for the Platinum section and tickets are fucking retarded expensive/impossible to obtain even when they are 600 points out of a playoff spot. If you threw another team into the mix, it would only generate more dough. Corporate boxes would sell out in approximately 7 minutes. Call them the Marlies. And it gives us Buffalo fans yet more Hate Fuel for the Haterade Tank.

-2.) Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina: I know, all you Buffalo Ex-Pats down there....you all love your Good Ole Boy Hockey. Guess what? I hate you. All of you. Your weather is better, your BBQ is better, and your economy is better. Upon that principle alone I should revoke your hockey team. But there are valid reasons for you douchejuices losing your hockey squad: You. Won. Our. Cup. Seriously that shit should have been ours if not for a scarlet fever/typhoid breakout among the Buffalo Sabres Defensive Corps of 05/06. So that was fairly recent. And yet you still face empty arenas. YES ALL OF YOU NAYSAYERS IF YOU HAVE A TEAM YOU SHOULD FOLLOW IT REGARDLESS OF THE RECORD. SHOW UP, CHEER, THEN BLOG HATRED LATER. DON'T JUST NOT SHOW UP AT ALL. Seriously, go eff yourselves, Canes. You let a team 100,000 miles north of you (geography expert) own your arena twice a year. Ridiculous. Go away.

Yes, North Carolinians....I equate you with mongoloid West Virginian banjo players. Only with reference to hockey, though. Everything else you're A-Okay!

3.) Seattle, Washington: Another no-brainer for the league. Another bomb-ass PNW Timber Town, but with even more population and a history of boss music (see: Sub Pop Records, early 90s). Best part? You have a huge populace yearning for a team after the void left by the Sonics (seriously, how the FUCK does the NBA let the Sonics get stolen? Way to go Stern...you are clearly the Lucky Pierre between all the owners). Best part of this situation is that if you place a team in Seattle, you already have a Flames - Oilers / Sabres - Leafs / Rangers - Flyers / Bruins - Canadiens geographic rivalry going with Vancouver. IT WILL BE CALLED THE BATTLE OF PUGET SOUND. OF COURSE. HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN THIS!? I'm convincing myself more and more as I write this. I should have put this at number one above Portland, but I'm far too technologically challenged to figure out how to cut and paste at this late hour (read: lazy). Gary Bettman.....you are the poorest commissioner among the poorest commissioner lineup in pro sports history.

-3.) Glendale, Arizona: Many negative things can be written about this area. Crashing economy, shitty attendance, shittier viewership, Janet Gretzky's gambling addiction, $25 Million dollars in losses the "City" of Glendale is on the hook for, that fucking nutbag Governor, actual douchey Arizonans, their logo, their first jerseys, the near-destruction of The Great One's legacy....I could go on and on. Unfortunately, one knock trumps all the previous points by a billion: THE GODDAMN TEAM IS LOCATED IN THE GODDAMN DESERT. NO HOCKEY IN THE DESERT. FINAL ANSWER. YOU LOSE. MOVE ON.

Well this doesn't look like a logical place for ice hockey now does it.

4.) Quebec City, Quebec: We all know the 'Diques rolled during our youths. Their move might have been the worst all time zero-to-hero move ever: build the Sakic/Forsberg/Deadmarsh/Foote squad, lose the team, watch the team win a cup in Denver the following year. Holy Christ if that happens with this Bills squad, I'll be on suicide watch for at least two years. Seriously though, I would love to see the 'Diques back in Quebec. For one, I would finally like someone to explain to me exactly what a Nordique is. I am a native French speaker and I can't tell what the shit those French Canadians are saying. Ever. Also, every 3rd player in the National Hockey league is a French Canadian with a super girly name (my name, for example) and nasty sniping skills. The idea that Florida gets two squads while the province that produces half of Hockey Canada's team gets one is befuddling at best. Besides, any additional Canadian teams is only good for Hockey.

-4.) Columbus, Ohio: Aside from the entire state, Ohioans, the stupid fucking State University, and the idea that this town and her statewide brethren are why we're fighting two endless wars and have national debt up to our eyeballs and rent our collective refrigerator from the Chinese, I don't particularly have a problem with Columbus or Ohio. That being said, all of those reasons plus they have Rick Nash and we don't are reason enough for them not to have a team. THANK YOU FOR VOTING STUPID MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE, ASS HATS. YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE YOUR VOTING RIGHTS REVOKED FOR THREE ELECTION CYCLES. ALSO JOHN BOEHNER TANS AND CRIES. A BUNCH. (Like I said, Ad Hominem)

This combo upsets my communist sensibilities. But not nearly as much as GWB's horrid belt selection.

5.) Hamilton, Ontario: BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLASSSSSSSSSPPPPPHHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMERRRRRRRRR PART TWO! Southern Ontario is growing. Hockey is firmly ensconced in that market as the number one sport by a billion, with not a threat of anything else to distract them (come on, the Bills? Seriously? With a collective 3-157 record for the '00s, I'm not worried about "market share" here). The only thing funnier than watching Jim Balsillie stumble through trying to throw his money around the NHL would be watching the Hamilton Bulldogs get slapped around the Northeast Division by Tyler Myers and Ryan Miller for the next ten years. We need another local rival to slap around, and Hamilton is the perfect 1B to Toronto's 1A. Also, with a team within spitting distance of Buffalo, it increases the chances that someone in Buffalo puts on their smart pants and reboots the Empire Network. Death to MSG and Al Trautweg!

-5.) Uniondale, New York: Holy shit. I realize Nassau County has an agreement in principle with billionaire crybaby Charles Wang to build a new stadium. If I were a Long Islander, I would be FURIOUS at this, considering they'll be throwing Nassau County Tax $$ to Charles Wang, he of the 15-year-contract-to-Rick-DiPietro approval. Also, Nassau County may be the most depressing place on earth. Imagine a shitty Billy Joel song on loop, forever. This is the worst fan experience in sports, by far. Living dangerously close to this area, we at DGWU have all had the unpleasant opportunity to attend a match at this arena, and heavens to betsy it's like stepping on a turd and calling it hockey. Think the old Aud with all of the bad and none of the charm. But worse looking. And more depressing. Actually, think of the Aud when it was being demolished, and you have an idea as to what Nassau Coliseum is like when it's fully operational. Add the shittiest management team in all of hockey and you have the worst hockey market in the Northeast if not the East Coast. I think their average attendance last year was -3,231. Seriously you couldn't pay me to go back there. And apparently you can't pay the actual fans of the team either.