Category:

Things I want....

7/23/2015

The Barrister

LeSean McCoy to run a bajillion yards for the Buffalo Bills Football Club and win trophies and get the fuck after it for the City I love and miss and want only good things for.

LeSean McCoy to get through this weekend without having to learn a hard lesson about the limits of confidentiality agreements and their scant utility in preventing women from turning State's evidence when some sexual assault goes down at a private party.

Ronald Darby to tell the truth about any such sexual assault, though I know this is unlikely. Don't go changing, hoss.

This is potentially the rapiest shit I have ever seen in Buffalo sports, and that's even including the fact that the Bills now employ a guy that covered up an actual rape that already happened, not to mention the fact that the Sabres are covered by Mike Harrington and his rapey ass face.

Fuck. Stay safe, Shady. Hopefully this is just some clean consensual coitus in the works and nothing that's going to keep you off the turf on Sundays.

Go Bills.

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"We're on a mission from God" - Bills/Chiefs - Week 9

11/2/2013

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The Barrister

That may have been overstated.

It's Saturday night, the Bills still haven't named a starting QB for tomorrow, and in about eleven hours they're playing the sole remaining undefeated team in the National Football League. Some miracle ass shit will have to go down for events to combine into a Buffalo victory, so that's what we're going to hope for. An against all odds win pulled from the depths of asses throughout Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bring lube.

If this is going to happen, it will be equal parts ridiculous, painful and beautiful.

From where I sit, on a throne of bedazzled hyperbole, the Chiefs have to lose. Articles about how stupid lucky they are to be 8-0 have been frequent this week, the consensus being that Kansas City has had an incredibly easy schedule etc etc... the kinds of rationalizations that play ever-so-well into the psyche of a Buffalo Bills fan base eager to count their chickens before natural selection even establishes what a chicken the fuck is. America wants the Bills to win to right some assumed wrong in the football universe. So, whadya say, Bills? Get it.

Mind you, again, none of this is really possible. Miracles, man. They give no shits.

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What the shit was that glorious victory? Let's hash it out - Week 7 Recappythinger - Bills/Dolphins

10/21/2013

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This was WAY too easy to find, god bless you internet and god bless us, everyone!

The Barrister

Well I'll be fucking damned. I slept off some Pabst and the wonderful emotion of a road, divisional win and, yep, I'm a touch hungover but still fucking amped at what we all saw yesterday. Well, not quite all of us. Some of us turned it off sometime late third early fourth quarter because, well, there really is no reason to believe that this team will win a close game. Those of us in this category are stupid, jaded assholes since, these days, there's also really no reason to believe they'll lose a close game either. Predictions are thrown out the window with Jerry Sullivan's racist testicles - legit, they're a three (three??) person hate group as per the Southern Poverty Law Center, read a book or something - and we have yet another game to show that this team can not only hang with the league's supposed best, but are capable of surprising some of those squads along the way.

Going into New Orleans next week, even if there is no reasonable hope that the Bills can pull a win out of their collective asses, this team has firmly established itself as a squad able to put together a decent game of football every week, regardless of their opponent, and keep their fans glued to the TV wondering which way the result might go.

This is fun as hell.

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"I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! Let's do it!" - Patriots/Bills - Week 1

9/6/2013

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During the 2013 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will ruin your entire weekend. The last two seasons saw him using quotes from The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers to convey his feelings for this crapfire of a franchise. This year he'll be choosing quotes from many of his favorite films to get the point across. As always, it's 25% football, 70% useless garbage, and 5% luchador gambling picks. Here we go.....

The Scizz

First and foremost, go here and buy a shirt for #SupportSally if you haven't already. In fact, even if you have go buy another one. The support we have seen from Buffalo and the blog/twitter/facebook universe has been incredible. Keep it up. On to the foosball.

Where do you even begin with this offseason? My mood towards this team has changed so many times I can't even remember if I was excited after the draft or was certain of a 2 - 14 season. The good? The Bills are rid of the football herpes known as Chan Gailey & Buddy Nix. They hired young, motivated coaches in Doug Marrone, Nate Hackett, and Mike Pettine. They confidently reached at the draft for a future QB1 in E.J. Manuel. The bad? Potential shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore is out 6-8 weeks for an already thin CB squad, Jarius Byrd appears to hate the idea of being anywhere near Buffalo, and although E.J. Manuel appears to be healthy, the QB situation over the last couple weeks looks like something out of shitty ABC family T.V. movie.

But you know what? I'm sitting on the Yachtsman's couch in Buffalo right now, we're going to the game Sunday, and dammit all football is back. So similar to what my fictional idol Peter Venkman says in a time of fear, uncertainty, and almost certain death, "I love this team! I'm excited to be a fan! Let's do it!"

After the jump I ramble some more

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If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now. - Bills/Texans - Week 9

11/3/2012

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no chance this is the actual screenshot of that line, mind you

The Barrister

Ah the bye week. The time to appreciate a break from the often frustrating squad we've been saddled with for these many years, to watch football with few rooting interests, and to perhaps forget about football altogether when life takes precedence as it so often does, whether in big ways or small.

This week was certainly no different.

But now that we're back to thinking about this underachieving and tragically coached Bills team, as it matches up against a hilariously superior Houston Texans squad, it's tough to find much of anything to be positive about. Perhaps the only real reason to be excited about this game is as a welcome opportunity to step away from the enormous and ongoing impact of a crazy as shit storm. Seems a good enough reason to me.

Scizz is taking a much needed break after his hell-ish week, and I'm luckily drunk enough to think I can fill his shoes, having sucked down a few Buffalo Lagers. Those lagers, unsurprisingly, assisting me in my belief that the Bills actually have a shot to win this game, or - put more accurately - my willingness to at least latch onto the infinitesimally small shot the Bills' actually have to win and cheer with a detached relationship with rational thought.

I would describe this as the "beers equal delightful sports fantasyland" paradigm. It's a working title.

Moving on to our feature presentation...

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Well, that was an utter waste of time and money.

8/20/2012

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i miss steroids.

The Barrister, feat. Scizz, Outlander and the Apologist

Shawne Merriman. No longer a Buffalo Bill.

Coming off a long and tiring weekend of prep for the birth of my child, I was considering penning a piece on fatherhood and sports and my anxiety level and my fear of becoming a shell of my former self once the sleep deprivation hits. I may still get into that at some point before or soon after Baby Barrister makes his way into the world, but not today.

Ripping on a has-been/maybe-never-would-have-been-without-the-juice and the similarly has-been/maybe-never-would-have-been-without-the-Juice-or-Jimbo team that employed him is way more fun. See what I did there? It’s only Monday and I’m already bringing the awesome.

Science made Merriman a great player. And science probably should have told One Bills Drive that Merriman couldn’t be a great player after being robbed of his special sauce and the behemoth abilities it brought him. Steroids help with recovery time, avoiding injuries, getting unreasonably huge. Without them, Merriman showed himself to be incapable of keeping up with the game. His “Lights Out” dances seem delightfully quaint now, like a high school player celebrating his dominance against a ten year old kid half his size. You didn’t earn it, Shawne, and you couldn’t hack it when the playing field was leveled. The Bills, for their part, look not just a little bit like they're wiping a $3 million egg off their face. Ugh.

Did I say “delightfully quaint?” ... I meant “utterly pathetic.”

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Long Road to the Practice Squad - Undrafted FA Aaron Corp (Already Cut!)

5/16/2012

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The Scizz

Earlier this week, I was about to post my second installment of the in-depth profiles of the Buffalo Bills un-drafted free agents, when I received a text from the Bills saying they released the subject of the post, Richmond QB Aaron Corp. I was going to scrap the whole thing and put up a detailed look into another player, but since we have no real accountability on this god-forsaken blog, I decided to put up the Corp one anyways. Besides, undrafted FA's are known to be brought back periodically to the practice squad if injuries erupt on the team. And, with Vince Young and his crazy ass ways on the roster, the Bills need access to all the back-up QB's possible. So here is the second entry in "Long Road to the Practice Squad", QB Aaron Corp! Kudos to @Boner_Shorts for the new title idea.

(Note: 98% of this profile is completely fabricated and in no way accurate. If you didn't pick up on that, then Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer.)

Me throw pretty one day

Position: Quarterback

College: Richmond

High School: Academy for the Mediocre (Kansas City, Mo)

Strengths: Big arm, pocket presence, not afraid of failure, great knowledge of Richmond restaurant scene, played at USC

Weaknesses: Playing Quarterback, easily startled, terrified of success, Played at Richmond

Reason for Transfer from USC to Richmond: Refused to take money, hookers, and blow from boosters. Also, an overwhelming desire to be average.

Goals: "To make it the NFL and abruptly leave to play 3rd string QB for the Hamilton Tiger-Cats."

On-field accomplishments: Playing at USC

Off-field accomplishment: None

Favorite musical artists: Pete Best and Stuart Sutcliffe

Favorite movies: Spider-Man 3, Beverly Hills Cop 3, The Godfather: Part 3, & John Carter

Off-field activities/hobbies: Playing his Sega Saturn, collecting football cards of career back-ups, turning down 10's in order to date 3's.

Romantic Crush: Ann Veal

"Oh I'm sorry Ann, I didn't see you there"

Favorite Buffalo Bills moment: The entire 2001 season

Favorite Sports Teams: The Hartford Whalers, Los Angeles Rams, & Flint Tropics

Favorite Players: Tood Collins, David Carr, Raghib Ismail

Most embarrassing moment: Five touchdown, 400 yard game against Louisiana Tech. All those questions in the presser afterwards made him uncomfortable.

Most looking forward to....: Getting begged for retweets from members of the Bills Mafia

"Long Road to the Practice Squad" number two is in the books! What book that is, I have no idea and should probably be burned, immediately. Check back next week for another. LEARNING!

Follow me @TheScizz and DM me pics of your left forearm. HOT.

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The Legal Limit, Episode 2 - Sabres, Bounties and Panhandlers

3/9/2012

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Our New Theme Song!!

The Apologist and The Barrister (feat. Megsie & the Yachtsman)

Well folks, we've never claimed to be timely in our posting of audio opinion material here at the Deeg, and this is no different. If you want timeliness of our opinions, start paying us money and we'll get right on that.

Monday night (yes, the Monday night that is nearly a week ago at this point), fresh off my week in Boston for another Bar Exam (Bad Decision #1), I was eager to convince Apologist to join be in a Sabres-Jets rendezbooze at Kelly's Sports Bar of Lower East Side fame (Bad Decision #2). Ever willing to please (aHEM!), Aps got his shift covered at work and we were a go for another night of hockey-related bad decision-making. Along for the ride was Yachter who, while typically unwilling to risk exposure to all sorts of bacteria and viruses at Kelly's, was suddenly down to cheer our Sabres on to that 8th place spot in the East (Bad Decision #3).

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EPIC FAIL - The Buffalo Bills Draft history since 2002 (Part 1 - 2006)

3/11/2011

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Cat = Buffalo GMs / Bird = Super Bowl

The Scizz

Alright, alright. We've had soccer and basketball posts with veiled references to Buffalo this week, but enough is enough. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed both the Yachtsman's and Apologist's posts as much as the next guy, but now it's time for some more direct self-loathing. With the NFL rookie combine wrapping up, I have decided to go directly to one of the main sources that has caused us all so much pain the last several years: the Buffalo Bills' drafts since 2002. Now dissecting and examining every Bills' draft of the last 9 years would make for a very long blog post, as well as send me into a deep depression that may force me to run full speed into a brick wall, so I have decided to make this a series of posts. Let's begin.

Mr. Bad Decison, Tom Donahoe

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State of the Fandom

3/1/2011

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You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday? / Is this a... what day is this?

The Apologist

Yes, I blew it already. It only took a few days for me to fall behind and for that loyal readers (do we have loyal readers yet?), I apologize. To be fair, this has all happened so fast.

It seems like only a week ago that the Yachtsman, Scizz and I were three sheets to the wind in a midtown bar throwing around the idea of "getting the band back together" and relaunching the blog. So of course I said, "SURE! I can get a post up by Monday!"

Oops.

But enough about that. The best way to restart this all seems like to recap where I am as a fan these days. Why? Well, my last post was almost a year and a half ago. Plus, I am one of my favorite topics.

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Things I want....

"We're on a mission from God" - Bills/Chiefs - Week 9

What the shit was that glorious victory? Let's hash it out - Week 7 Recappythinger - Bills/Dolphins

"I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it! Let's do it!" - Patriots/Bills - Week 1

If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now. - Bills/Texans - Week 9

Well, that was an utter waste of time and money.

Long Road to the Practice Squad - Undrafted FA Aaron Corp (Already Cut!)

The Legal Limit, Episode 2 - Sabres, Bounties and Panhandlers

EPIC FAIL - The Buffalo Bills Draft history since 2002 (Part 1 - 2006)

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