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"And that was the second time I got crabs." - Week 14 - Rams/Bills

12/7/2012

It stinks like Harrington in here.

The Scizz

A meaningless Bills game in December?? That means Christmas is almost here!!!!!

Last week our beloved (in September - November) Buffalo Bills took it to the even more-so dysfunctional Jacksonville Jaguars in front of a crowd of 147 at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Seriously, my Albanian friend Tom's wedding to a Lebanese girl had more people at it (also, a belly dancer, but that's a conversation for different day). The Bills played well in almost every facet of the game, and I had a pretty nice time drinking a few beers and watching it without a care in the world. Until, of course as I mentioned last week, when I realized the win just pushes them further towards mediocrity and the 15th pick overall. Ugh, why can't they just "Billose" and let me get on with my life? (I just copyrighted that so back the fuck off.)

I think the Continental handled that question well in her mailbag yesterday, but honestly I still don't know what to do anymore. Just like Office Mac explaining his second rendezvous with crabs, we've been here before haven't we? I sort of care about the games, but when all my non-Buffalo friends have teams with solid playoff aspirations, it just stings too much to still be that die-hard fan that mouth-breathers with Bills tattoos think you should be. The Bills are not fuckin' Rudy here folks, they're Giovanni Ribisi in The Other Sister; trying to take pride in what they do but failing miserably at it while making the people watching feel uncomfortable.

I'm keeping it short this week because I literally have an hour to knock this out and I probably won't edit it either. Join me on this illiterate journey, won't you?

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"I'll take six schlitzes... F*** it, whatever's free." - Week 13 - Jaguars/Bills

11/30/2012

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The Scizz

I'm back! Rising like a lost New York City pigeon from the ashes (or maybe sewage) of Hoboken, New Jersey to jump back on this awesome Bills bandwagon! What's that? The Bills are still a joke? Sooooo they didn't prove the intelligent fans wrong and make the kool-aid drinking mouthbreathers out to be the strong-willed geniuses they thought they were? Huh. Well ya look at that. Reality prevails! Although I guess I'll never be able to enjoy the day the Bills are actually good because of all my negativity. What a drag.

Moving on....

Has it really been since the week 8 bye that I've written a god damn Bills preview? Oops. Sorry about that, folks. Luckily my pals here picked up the slack while I was flooded/without power/without water/commuting 4 hours daily/having numerous panic attacks/getting drunk with family/not working out/stressing out over everything and just being a general head case. Yeah, it's been a rough month. JUST LIKE THE BUFFALO BILLS!!! See how it all comes back together? I feel like a regular Billy Simmons over here! /shoots self in face with crossbow

Since I've been gone the Bills had a mostly embarrassing loss to a far superior Houston Texans, snatched defeat from the jaws of victory (again) against the Patriots, had a fairly exciting win over the Dolphins on primetime television (following which a fan was found dead close the the stadium... yikes) and then the Colts did the best they could to let the Bills win but still gave us yet another loss to stain the Bills' record, mostly due to the inane playing call of Chan Gailey, whose arrogance at this point reminds me of that 29 year old ex-frat boy who now bartends for a living while still drawing unemployment yet always acts superior to those around him and continues doing dumb shit while all of his friends have chosen to grow up (and this is coming from a guy who has a podcast called "The CrapTastiCast"). Chan KNOWS his play-calling and schemes don't work, yet week after week he continues to do the same thing with little to no adjustments. At least I'd say Wanny has the defense playing slightly better, but the offense? A complete joke that actually has some talent which teams with better records would kill for (I'm looking at you Pittsburgh).

Over it. 4 - 7 sucks, and of course the Bils will string three more wins together to keep the Bills mid-draft, allow Chan to keep his job, and keep "Billievers" crying out that this team was only "a few mistakes and plays away from the playoffs!" I know it's going to happen, you know it's going to happen, so what should we do??

Step One: Get drunk on whatever you can find.

After that, I have no fucking clue.

I'd say that I want the team to lose out in order to get the best draft pick possible, but I've never truly been able to do that. Deep down I want this team to win week in and week out, so I'll keep cheering, and when they win one of these god-forsaken games, I'll be thrilled for all of 10 seconds before I realize it just knocked us down another three spots on the draft board.

The saga continues, Wu-Tang, Wu-tang.

Now join me for some shitty analysis of this trash-bag football game against the Jacksonvillains. Yup. Said it. Totally regret it.

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If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now. - Bills/Texans - Week 9

11/3/2012

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no chance this is the actual screenshot of that line, mind you

The Barrister

Ah the bye week. The time to appreciate a break from the often frustrating squad we've been saddled with for these many years, to watch football with few rooting interests, and to perhaps forget about football altogether when life takes precedence as it so often does, whether in big ways or small.

This week was certainly no different.

But now that we're back to thinking about this underachieving and tragically coached Bills team, as it matches up against a hilariously superior Houston Texans squad, it's tough to find much of anything to be positive about. Perhaps the only real reason to be excited about this game is as a welcome opportunity to step away from the enormous and ongoing impact of a crazy as shit storm. Seems a good enough reason to me.

Scizz is taking a much needed break after his hell-ish week, and I'm luckily drunk enough to think I can fill his shoes, having sucked down a few Buffalo Lagers. Those lagers, unsurprisingly, assisting me in my belief that the Bills actually have a shot to win this game, or - put more accurately - my willingness to at least latch onto the infinitesimally small shot the Bills' actually have to win and cheer with a detached relationship with rational thought.

I would describe this as the "beers equal delightful sports fantasyland" paradigm. It's a working title.

Moving on to our feature presentation...

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"Who wants a mustache ride?!?" - Week 8 - Bye Week Bonanza!

10/26/2012

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The Buffalo Bills are off this week, but that doesn't mean I can't be an idiot! Enjoy some poorly constructed ramblings and do something fun this weekend that involves alcohol and/or narcotics!

You win. You always do.

The Scizz

I'm going to keep this pretty short this week because I have a gajillion tasks to accomplish before I head to State College this weekend for Ohio State/Penn State, but more on that later. (In Jim Gaffigan voice: GASP! He must support child rapists because that's what all PSU fans do! For shame.)

The Buffalo Bills suck. There is no way around it. Sure, 3-4 isn't the worst position this team has been in over the past 12 years of playoff drought, but I have almost no confidence left in this team. They have been blown out three times (once when they had a commanding first half lead), lost another that was 100% in their control to win, and won another that by all means should have been a loss. The latter two falling mostly on a shitty coaching staff that appears to have no clue how the 2012 NFL works. In short, this is not good. I could go on more about last week's debacle, but the Apologist did a pretty solid job already. I will say that immediately after the game, I wasn't even that upset. As soon as Fitz threw that god-awful pick, I knew the team was doomed. I guess after all of these terrible years, I have become mostly numb to the stupidity I see from Buffalo week in and week out. The only time I even got remotely ragey about the Bills this week was after I saw a Stevie Johnson jersey on the Subway, and started thinking about those two awesome touchdown strikes Fitzpatrick had, and then pictured that interception again.

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

For better analysis, check out Michael Necci's wrap-up over at Buffalo Wins, which I can't link to because my apparently my employer feels that site is inappropriate. Odd. (Sidenote: I mentioned on twitter this week that I want to poach this guy for DGWU and name him "The General." Then I remembered he is a Lakers fan and pictured Dwight Howard being beheaded French Revolution style while I cheer on and Necci cries in terror. Jesus, I'm a terrible person.)

Anyway, this week should be about enjoying yourself and not thinking about this shit-stain team and the agony they cause. That's my goal for this week's Bye Week Bonanza. YOU'RE WELCOME.

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"Desperation is a stinky cologne" - Week 7 - Titans/Bills

10/19/2012

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The Scizz

That game made my eyes bleed.

I honestly feel that's all I really need to say about last week. Yes, a win is a win, but good God that was ugly. How terrible is it that we are so desperate for a winning team, that we are attempting to convince ourselves that this team still has a shot at the playoffs. It's asinine. I want it just as much as anyone else, but stop telling me I'm supposed to just be happy about last week and move on. No way, not with that attempt at football I saw on Sunday from Ryan Fitzpatrick. Nooooooooope!

Let me give you a little bit of my own personal point/counterpoint I experienced in my head Monday morning. This is what happens when optimistic Scizz meets Ragestorm Scizz. I’ve been studying the same crazy homeless man on the L train for the past three weeks and think I have this whole arguing with yourself thing down pat. I think you can figure out which personality is which.

Phew! That was a close one. Nice to finally get a big road win.

KOLB AND SKELTON ARE PILES OF SHIT!! THIS TEAM IS GAAAAAAAARBAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!

Whatever, it was nice to see an improvement of the running game. Sure, Chan should have probably handed the ball off at least another 8 – 12 times, but the ground game was established well enough to even let the Bills’ shitty quarterback make a few key passes in the 4th quarter.

BUT WHY DOES IT MATTER WHEN THE QUARTERBACK IS SO SHITTY HE ALMOST SINGLE HANDIDLY COST BUFFALO THE GAME??!!!!?!?!?!?

This is a good point, Scizz. I noticed you tweeted at one point that nobody else was to blame for the team’s deficiencies except Fitz. I have to agree it was comical that he was under/over throwing all of his receivers to the point that every wideout through his arms up in disgust at least once. Maybe Chan has finally realized the QB issue and made the play calling suit their style more? They definitely didn’t abandon the run.

THERE WAS STILL 5 WIDE SETS ON SECOND AND SEVEN. THIS INJUSTICE MUST NOT BE OVER LOOKED!!! OH YEAH, AND LET’S HAVE GIANT WASTE OF FUCKING MONEY BRAD SMITH THROW A DEEP BALL ON WHAT COULD BE CONSIDERED ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PLAYS OF THE GAME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

You’re right. That play call was ridiculous, but it’s nice to see a coach have the guts to take chances like that. Years ago we hated milquetoast Jauron, now we chastise Chan for doing the opposite. Anyways, how about that defensive line? Mario Williams looked like an animal, and even the great white joke, Chris Kelsay got a safety.

First of all, FUCK CHRIS KELSAY!!!! NOTHING HE EVER DOES IS GOOD! HE GETS NO RESPECT!!!!!! AND MARIO NEEDS MORE THAN TWO GOOD GAMES AGAINST SHITTY O-LINES TO GET MY RESPECT!

Yeah, it was nice to see Williams put together another great game, but not enough credit is given to Kyle Williams and Dareus for plugging up the middle.

FUCK THAT!!!! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE DOUCHEBAG FANS WHO KEPT TWEETING “Ooooo still mad at the Mario contract, haterz? Looks like he proved all ya’ll wrong!” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 16 GAME SEASON MEANS CONSISTENCY AGAINST ALL FOES. NOT JUST O-LINES THAT LET IN 22 SACKS OVER THREE WEEKS! FUCKING TWATS!

Agreed. Those people are twats. At least he is playing well against those shitty teams. Remember Fitzpatrick is playing shitty against almost everyone and the linebackers and secondary (minus Byrd) are a constant liability.

WHY DID YOU REMIND ME OF THAT! SDKFHEFHNMFSMDFBEFJKQHENFJQWEFHEJK3FBMNDBCKJDHFJKEBJFBEJFRH3JK!!^*$#@!!!!!

Ok, calm down. At least Nick Barnett had two sacks !

GAAAAAAH BILLS MAFIA LEEEEGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEND!! HAAAAAAAAAATE HAAAAAAAAAA /head explodes.

Let's move onto some analysis, shall we?

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"Mother of God." - Week 6 - Bills/Cardinals

10/12/2012

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The Scizz

I really wanted to write “Mother of God, the Buffalo Bills suck”, hit publish, and call it a day. That was the plan yesterday when I got douched on at my real job and handed a bunch of new work, but alas, it is super early Friday morning, and here I am trying to piece something together. Thanks go out to the Yachtsman who was going to take a crack at this today in my place (who am I kidding, he would have done a much better job), but since he was out last night with the Apologist celebrating the Orioles pushing a game 5 with the Yankees, I’m assuming he is still in drunken slumber.

Let’s talk about the Bills! /immediately regrets decision to write this.

Last week was an absolute atrocity. I talked with Joe Pinzone about it Monday afternoon on his Talkamania podcast (link), and could barely put together a single coherent thought. Not that that’s anything new, but this time I actually realized it. I suddenly had an awful stutter because I couldn't get the hate out fast enough. Every aspect of that game was so disgusting it became hard to identify specific problems with the Bills because EVERYTHING IS BROKEN!!!!!

-Fitzpatrick continues to prove he should not be a starting NFL quarterback.

-The offensive line, once this team’s biggest strength is, as predicted by the old Gods, falling apart with numerous injuries.

-The defensive line, which was supposed to BE the team’s biggest strength has no-showed three out of five game.

-The linebackers and secondary are still a bucket of AIDS.

-Even the clutch players like Spiller, Freddie, and Chandler are hurting this team by running the ball into the ground or not holding onto the damn ball at all.

This is exhausting.

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"There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose." - Week 5 - 49ers/Bills

10/5/2012

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During the 2012 Buffalo Bills season, the Scizz will be writing weekly game previews that will hit your eye holes every Thursday night/Friday morning. If you've been a follower of the Deeg for a while, you may remember that last season featured previews inspired by "The Big Lebowski." This year, as voted by our loyal/psychotic/confused readers, "Super Troopers" has been chosen as the ongoing cinematic theme. After a quick rundown of the game, the rest of the post has been inspired by his idol, Drew Magary, and his weekly previews on Deadspin, and will provide you with some solid predictions (false) and other incredible insight you can only get here (so false). So sit back and enjoy the (shit)show.

The Scizz

The title of this post is aimed at several people. First off, Ryan Fitzpatrick. I hate to agree with Jeremy White, but his break down of how Fitz continued to miss or flat out not throw to wide open receivers while playing the Pats was an accurate portrayal of the inconsistent mass of bearded man he has always been. I understand everybody loves the guy, myself included, but when will those who are still clinging to his 12 touchdowns realize that the guy will never be better than average. I hope to God I'm wrong, but I've said it countless times on this site that Fitz is just not consistent enough to be the leader of a team that needs to focus on minimizing mistakes. He needs a hose beating.

Next up, the linebackers and secondary. Sure, the defensive line shat the bed Sunday for the 2nd time this season, but christ almighty, when they don't show up it shows how absolutely terrible the rest of the defense is. The secondary is filled with inexperienced, underachieving, and injury prone players. The linebackers are still garbage. HOT GARBAGE. I started to buy in juuuuuuuuust a little bit last week, but then they reminded me why I think they are the worst corp in the entire AFC, if not NFL. They all get the hose

Finally, anybody who is still complaining about Brian Moorman gets the hose. He's a punter. Shaun Powell did fine. Get over it. And if you think that whole swapping punters had ANYTHING to do with that monstrosity of a game on Sunday, you get beat with a hose covered in herpes and poison ivy, because you my friend, are special kind of idiot. i bet you draft kickers in the 6th round of your fantasy football draft.

The rest of the preview this week will be a little shorter in some spots because I'm lacking time and patience to sit down to write even somewhat coherent thoughts this week. Deal with it. Onto the Niners.....

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"I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says 'shenanigans'!" - Week 4 - Bills/Patriots

9/28/2012

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OOOOOOOOOOH!!!

With a 14 - 0 lead over the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, I have never seen a room of Bills fans so deflated and depressed with such a lead. When C.J. Spiller went down with his shoulder injury, time stopped. At first the room got silent, and then there was a barrage of "Oh God No" and "Are you kidding me??" flying everywhere (mostly from me). And of course, in true Buffalo Bills fashion, it looked like it did the same exact thing to all of the offensive skill players on the roster. Luckily the team snapped out of it, and Fitz took this team to an awesome fourth quarter touchdown to seal the game, but more importantly, something else was proven.

This team's offensive line is fucking incredible for the first time since the Super Bowl era.

While it appeared many players were moping around and preoccupied with the Spiller injury, the big grunts up front continued to play the game like they were supposed to, which is dominating the opposing defense by opening up monster holes and giving Fitzpatrick all the time in the world to make plays. Never once did it look like they let up or took any plays off, even though Tashard fucking Choice was now the guy they had to make look good. And make him look good they did. Listen, I'm not going to call Choice complete garbage, he did an admirable job, but this offensive line is the real deal, and whether it is Freddie Jackson, C.J. Spiller, Choice, Johnny White, Shawn Bryson, Greg Bell, Robb Riddick, or the ghost of Wayne Patrick, these beasts are going to open up holes bigger than those belonging to Jenna Haze (mental image!). The big three in the middle of Eric Wood, Andy Levitre, and Kraig Urbik are punishing opposing DT's, Cordy Glenn looks like he could be an elite LT in the NFL, Erik Pears (who is still playing hurt) is quietly dominating on the right side, meanwhile for the first time since I can remember, Chris Hairston and Chad Rinehart have given the Buffalo Bills DEPTH on the offensive line. GOOD DEPTH!!!!! Hell, Hairston looks like he can easily start at either tackle position and Gailey is getting him reps in every game. I love these brutes and there is no fucking way I'm counting Fitz's "fumble" last week as a sack. They're still perfect.

I should probably also mention that this week's Super Troopers quote has little to anything to do with the actual game preview, but it is probably my favorite line of the movie, and when the Bills beat the Pats last season, it was my favorite Buffalo moment since I've legally been allowed to consume alcohol. That's all I got for you this week. I'm writing this on a day off and after a productive morning I'd like to have the rest of the day to do nothing but watch episodes of Storage Wars and Doctor Who while drinking too much coffee and quoting "Porch Pizzas" via text and twitter with the Cruise Ship.

Yet despite last year's happy Bills/Pats moment, this week also always terrifies me because the New England Patriots come to town to most likely dash all of my hopes and dreams for a successful Bills season. As the Cruise Ship has mentioned to me many times, if this team can sweep New England, all is forgiven and the Bills can do anything they want during the other 14 games. I also want that more than anything. To see douche-hoodie and Tom Brady pout on the sidelines not once, but twice in a season would fan-fucking-tastic. But let's not get a head of ourselves tooooo much because the Bills just need to pull this win out first, and it won't be easy. Tom Brady and crew are beyond pissed after dropping two in a row, especially because they blame the replacement refs. Well guess what, ladies? Welcome to every other team in the NFL. This is what happens when 90% of calls don't go your way and bad calls can actually cost you a game. Fuck off.

The good news for both sides (I think) is that apparently the NFL has struck a deal with regular referees, so we can look forward to numerous late hit calls on the Buffalo defense while Brady runs to them bitching like a little....a.....bitch.

The other good news is that it looks like Tashard Choice may not be alone in the backfield Sunday. Fred Jackson has practiced all week and although he doesn't feel great, there is an outside chance he gets some playing time. Even C.J. Spiller's once believed to be season ending injury (ok maybe just in the room the Deeg were watching) is minor and Spiller is doing everything he can to make it back this week or next. Not bad for two injuries that looked like they could have sidelined these chaps for a career, lets alone several weeks. Anyways, enjoy Tawmmy Brady bitching on the sidelines and then let's get to the rest of this disaster of a preview.

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"Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her." - Bills/Browns - Week 3

9/21/2012

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The Scizz

Well that was pretty cool.

Last week our 2012 Buffalo Bills did exactly what an NFL franchise coming off a devastating week 1 loss should do. They took it out on a far less superior opponent. C.J. Spiller is becoming a superstar, Ryan Fitzpatrick, although not perfect, minimized mistakes, and the defense made plays in all the right places. This looked like the team so many folks on various forms of social media thought they could be. And right here would normally be where I breakdown last week's game in various uneducated forms and then make fun of this week's opponents (Ok, I'm still going to do that later). Instead, I really need to share how awesome my trip to Buffalo/WNY was last week. In all honestly, it was one of the best trips back home I've had in the eight years I've lived out here in NYC. It was epic. And although I constantly make fun of the city of Buffalo and its surroundings, I left with an enhanced appreciation for an area I once called home and will always respect as an awesome place with awesome people. Sure the Bills' big win helped, but even without that, it would have barely tarnished an absolutely amazing visit. Fuck a losing disease, Buffalo is awesome and here's why.

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"I just lost a buck... to myself!" - Chiefs/Bills - Week 2

9/14/2012

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Actual autographed photo being shopped on e-bay.

The Scizz

Well shit. Where to begin? As I correctly predicted last week, I was a total idiot for once again getting my hopes up for a Buffalo Bills football season. But then again, at least I kind of/sort of saw it coming and drank enough alcohol on Sunday to numb the pain.

Of course, Monday was a different story. Still exhausted from the copious amounts of beer/vodka/whiskey (and a random Jager Bomb) that was consumed, I was forced to recount the previous day's outcome. Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like hot garbage. The defensive line is NOT who we thought they were. The secondary is an absolute joke. And of course, the injury bug has already hit big, as Fred-Ex is out for at least three weeks and David Nelson is out for the year, in a position of need where the team was already extremely undermanned. OH THE JOYS OF FOOTBALL!!!

Yet I'm not here to continue to whine and complain about how shitty the team looked in week one. There is enough of that everywhere (with obvious good reason). No, these previews aren't recaps, they are about looking forward and enjoying football, which is the most awesome-est sport in the world. In fact, as I said to the Yachtsman earlier today, I can't fully write this team off yet. I just can't. Because really, who am I betting against? If the Bills continue to suck, then it's just another year where by week 10 I have my Sundays back. Cool. However, If the Bills bounce back and show some of that early season 2011 spark, then maybe, just maaaaaaaaybe these ass clowns can still pull it together and all hope won't be lost. Naturally, as a fan I prefer the latter, but at this point in my life, I'm just going to enjoy football season and hope for the best. Brace yourselves, the Scizz is trying to keep things positive! Check it out after the jump....

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<<Previous

"And that was the second time I got crabs." - Week 14 - Rams/Bills

"I'll take six schlitzes... F*** it, whatever's free." - Week 13 - Jaguars/Bills

If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now. - Bills/Texans - Week 9

"Who wants a mustache ride?!?" - Week 8 - Bye Week Bonanza!

"Desperation is a stinky cologne" - Week 7 - Titans/Bills

"Mother of God." - Week 6 - Bills/Cardinals

"There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose." - Week 5 - 49ers/Bills

"I swear to God, I'll pistol whip the next guy who says 'shenanigans'!" - Week 4 - Bills/Patriots

"Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her." - Bills/Browns - Week 3

"I just lost a buck... to myself!" - Chiefs/Bills - Week 2

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